Sunday, December 24, 2006

NerdMory Word(s): Loot

- noun

1. An abundance of nice things. Usually Christmas presents.

[ Origin: First used in my younger days to describe a particularly good Christmas, but in modern times made popular by Mory ]

- synonyms
1. Fat Loot, Sweet Loot

- usage
1. "No fair! Miranda got more loot this year"

Dad gets it right

In my family, my dad is often the butt of the jokes when it comes to Christmas presents. In his mind it isn't about how much money is spent or buying the perfect thing, but he has, on occasion, attempted to participate in what Christmas has become for my family.

Unfortunately, this is often times met with less than stellar results. He is still ribbed for buying me racing stripes for my car, or the very nice set of motorcycle riding gear that I remember wearing no more than twice. The thing about my dad is that materialistic gift giving isn't exactly his specialty. That doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't give good gifts, just that his best ones aren't purchased at a store.

8 years ago today I was on the road driving from Arkansas to Arizona. Specifically, at about this time I was around the New Mexico border on my way towards Flagstaff and I was getting tired. It was the first holiday season I had ever had a girlfriend for, and it happened to coincide with a family reunion in Arkansas. Due to the way the calendar worked out, we planned on driving back on Christmas eve and Christmas day. The trip from Arkansas is about 24 hours total of driving, and we have always done it in two days.

This was the first year that I was able to share in the driving duties, and that combined with the fact that I had been away from Stacey for so long was motivation enough for me. By Albuquerque I had started an argument with my mother(Who wanted to stop for the night) that I had won by the time I hit Gallup. I'm not sure if I won the argument by actually winning, or by just not stopping, but either way I was determined.

Miranda, who was 14 at the time, also had motivation. Getting home quicker meant getting her loot quicker. She volunteered to sit in the front seat and keep me awake for the drive.

20 minutes later Miranda was sound asleep.

I had driven most of the trip, and after around 22 hours straight of driving I ran out of gas. At this time we were approaching Flagstaff. The road from Flagstaff down to Phoenix is about 2 hours long, but its also a somewhat dangerous set of switchbacks as you come down a mountain. As much as I had wanted to get home I just didn't have it in me and finally relented and agreed to stop off for the night.

It was at this time my dad, who had been resting in the back, told me to pull off and that he'd drive the car down the mountain. It seems like a small gesture, but it was one of the best presents I've ever gotten.

We got home, and I was soon back on the road, in my car, with a renewed energy flowing through me. Stacey's parents lived about a mile from mine, so the trip was short. It was about 4 am at the time. I pulled up to her house and with a quick leap was over her wall and knocking at her window.

She met me out in front of the house where we stayed for about an hour in the cold. At least I'd assume it was cold. I doubt I even noticed. After catching up, and other things that I'll leave to the imagination of the reader I eventually went home and enjoyed a peaceful night's day's rest.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Top 5: Things that rocked about last month

It was recently brought to my attention that a little over a month ago I was quite excited about the upcoming month, which has since passed. The person who brought this to my attention shall remain nameless, but she recommended I write a follow up about the top 5 things that actually rocked about last month and made all 5 points "Kendall".

Still not sure who this anonymous person is? Okay, last hint. Her name rhymes with Bendall.

But enough about that, let's put this train back on the tracks and move on with the topic at hand. In no particular order, the top 5 things that rocked about last month...

1. My Hoodie - The weather has been great. The one most important thing I'd forgotten about was that the return of cold weather means the return of the hoodie.

2. Holidays - Thanksgiving was subdued as it was tethered to a more sad event(My grandmother passed away the following day), but Halloween was a fun time. My costume was great, and riding around in my car with the Batman theme was hilarious. The quantity of scantily clad women was somewhat low, but that was okay.

3. Steve Nash - New franchise record 15 wins in a row and counting. Enough said.

4. Wii - My month has been exceptionally busy, and while I got the new Nintendo on the 19th of November, I'm still less than half way through Zelda. The other nerds have repeatedly made fun of me for not being done, but nothing shuts a nerd up like, "Yeah, I've been busy hanging out with the super hot neighbor twins."

5. Neighbors - Oh yeah, and I guess meeting my neighbors and all that was fun too. As I look back, I haven't written about them much, but I guess it just isn't that exciting for me.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Baby Steps - Jesse Eschews Creepy for "The Right Thing"

Last week as I arrived at work I noticed that a car next to where I normally park had been left with its dome light on. This car just happened to be a blue Honda Civic, which just happens to be the same type of car that Linda, the cute tax girl from floor 7 drives.

The logical assessment of this situation is that fate had intervened in my life. I would go up to the 7th floor, find her, and tell her about her car. She'd thank me and offer to take me to lunch to show her gratitude. Cut to a montage of her and I getting to know each other over the next few months including a first kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel, a trip to the zoo, a snowball fight, and finally culminating with me proposing over a candle lit dinner. There'd probably be some Journey track playing in the background of that scene... I'm not saying that's the only way it could go, but I think we can all agree that it's the most likely outcome.

I got up to my floor and decided to run it by Sean once just to double check.
"So, I think I'll run up there, find her, and tell her that her dome light is on." By this point I had our first two children named.
"Yeah, you could do that. Or you could do what a non-psycho would do and just tell security."
"Oh", that thought hadn't actually crossed my mind.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Top 5: Things that you should be reading instead of this right now

In my extensive pursuit of blogging mediocrity I've oftentimes found myself reading other's writings in hopes that I might somehow emulate what I perceive as their superior story-telling ability. I find it quite interesting to see what the other denizens of the anonymity stricken Internet have to say to the world, and with that in mind I felt it was time to share my top 5 picks for things you should be reading instead of my crap, and more importantly why.

1. Hatte - An Internet acquaintance of mine with a unique sense of humor. I didn't even know he had an online journal until I randomly stumbled across it and proceeded to read it in its entirety from start to finish. It really is more of a journal than anything, and some posts may be simple, or not particularly relevant to the random passerby, but it is all written well, and interesting. That being said, you're doing yourself a grave injustice if you don't read this post.

2. Basketbawful - A humor blog mostly discussing the darker side of the NBA. It should be noted that while the topic is most often Basketball, the discussion is often more important than the topic itself. Take for example this entry.

3. Mandi - Ever dreamed of being a 27 year old girl studying to be a nurse while living in Missoula Montana? No? Well, me neither. But surprisingly enough that makes for a good blog. In fact, Mandi's blog is probably the best example on my list of what I think a blog should be. The blog is the general day-to-day thoughts of someone I(you) don't know, but after reading it start to finish you get some insight in to someone else's world.

4. Tyler Durden - What Would Tyler Durden Do? is a website devoted to reporting news about celebrities and then poking fun at them. I've never been much to pay attention to such things, but the site is probably the most consistently funny thing I've ever read. For the inspiration behind Sean's whiteboard art see this post.

5. Miscellaneous -
Allen - Allen is my doorman at the landmark, and as cheesy as it sounds, he's not just my doorman, but a good friend. I probably average 10 or 15 minutes a day chatting with him and the goings on of our lives. He'd get a full spot to his own on the list, but he's still currently lacking in quantity of posts.

Mikele - Mikele is one of my good friends from High School, and she keeps a blog that mostly pertains to the raising of her children. If you know Mikele and read her blog in "her voice" then you can't help but love the blog. If you don't know Mikele... well, then I'm not sure how much you'll enjoy the pictures/stories about her children, but maybe you should try it and find out.

Tsakiki - An online friend that I met playing, "Final Fantasy Online". The writing is good and the information abundant, but if you don't play Final Fantasy, there's probably not a lot of interest.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

"A Jackass named Jesse" or "How I got the +3"

The week after meeting the twins I came to work with a little extra spring in my step. The sun was a bit brighter, the grass was a bit greener. Upon arriving at work I went next door to Sean's office to brag share.

"So how was your weekend dude?" I asked as if a single ounce of me actually cared.
"Pretty good, I went up to the in-laws cab..."
"Yeah, that sounds great, really fantastic for you, glad to hear it. So Friday night...." I went on to tell him the preceding stories of my weekend that have now gone on to blogging fame.

After relating the stories of my weekend to two co-workers I went back to my daily activities, but the stories, the tales... they spread quicker than STD's at a retirement home that has a Viagra machine where a gumball machine should be. Before I knew it people were high fiving me in the halls. Nerds were shouting, "Twins!!! Alright!". Whiteboard drawings were updated... Co-workers were inviting themselves over for meaningless trips.

"Hey, you mind if I come over and grab that DVD? I mean its cool if I borrow it right?"
"They won't be home tonight, they have plans dude."
"Huh? Oh, your neighbors. I don't care about that... But I just remembered I have... uhm... something to do tonight anyhow. Maybe I can come over tomorrow"

My friend Caleb informed me that the other nerds were set to build a statue in my honor and name a mule after me.

By the following week Bill Gates, Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs had come together and unanimously voted me the new king of all nerds.°

One day Rob stopped by my office. Rob is the head of my division, and while he's a cool guy, he doesn't just "pop in" very often. I quickly closed myspace and tried to appear productive.

"Jesse, Do you have a minute?" he asked.
"Yeah, I was just trying to finish that build for the Dutch, but I've got a second"
"Well, you know the Holiday party is coming up soon"
"We allow each person to bring a guest if they'd like, but in your case we're going to bend the rules and let you bring two."

We both laughed a bit. It wasn't long before Ron, another manager, who happens to be recently single, stopped by and started questioning me and informing me that I had been given the green light on a "+2".

"Yeah, Rob already stopped by. Or is this a thing you guys are going to be doing all day? Did you guys set this up? Should I expect Tim in the next 10 minutes?"

He laughed and continued to give me a hard time. I was going to let it go, but I figured it was time for a little pay back.

"The thing is... well, I feel bad... I mean if I take the twins out all night to our party, then what about their friend Kendall the model? I mean she won't have anything to do all night, and I wouldn't want her to be lonely"

He left and moments later I heard the ring of the floor wide intercom, "Attention, Attention please. Jesse is now allowed to bring 3 people to the company Holiday party"

° Okay, I made that part up. It wasn't unanimous. Linus disagreed, but he's infamous for being a cock block. Screw the Finnish.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

I think I'm in Love Pt. 2

I'm going to be out of town until Monday, and chances are without Internet access. I'm currently working on a blog entry detailing the aftermath of my "Weekend with the Twins", but as it's unlikely to be finished any time soon, I thought I'd share a shorter, more recent story.

I've known Ruth and Rachel for almost 3 weeks now. Out of those 3 weeks there have been probably 3 days total where I didn't see one or the other. That leaves roughly 18 days, and in those 18 days there have probably been 30 moments or incidents where one or both of the girls made me stop and take notice. There have been 30 moments where I got a little weak in the knees, or felt a slight tug on the heart. There have been 30 moments where I felt like a kid in 8th grade with a crush on the cute girl in class.

On Tuesday Rachel commented that she was out of toothpaste and Ruthie said the same. I went next door and grabbed a tube of travel sized toothpaste that I had from my last trip to loan to them. I was also running low, but had enough to last the week.

The next day I went to Target and as I got there I called the girls to see if they wanted me to pick them up some toothpaste, and to ask what kind they preferred. Rachel answered and told me that she had gone on her lunch break and gotten some for all 3 of us.

Any girl who will go get you toothpaste on her lunch break is a keeper as far as I'm concerned. And... I think I'm in love.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Apparently 7 inches means a lot to the ladies...

Note to the Reader: Life's been busy, blogging has been slow. I'm not doing this story justice, but I feel the need to get something out.

Let's take a trip in the way back machine all the way back to my last post. I purposely left off some of the details of the events that took place at the "party" as they didn't exactly pertain to a post discussing how I met Ruth and Rachel. Now that we're writing a post describing how we met Kendall it is time to discuss said events(When I say we I mean me.)

As I said before, the only knowledge of Kendall that I had prior to meeting her was that she only dated guys who were 6'3 or taller. Being 5'5" with my shoes on I found this a bit offensive, and was prepared to write her off as a snob. It's not that I need to have a chance with a girl to accept her... it's the principle of the matter. Short guys need love too. Besides, she's only 6'0.

Well, she came to the mini-party, but I was busy with other things and didn't have much time to sit down and get to know people. There was laundry to be finished, burnt twins to be fixed, and other typical Sunday night errands to be taken care of. When I finally did get a chance to be social they were already mid-conversation so, as per usual, I mostly just observed.

It became immediately clear that Kendall wasn't just sarcastic and funny... she was really sarcastic, and really funny. Despite my best efforts I was quickly won over, and just as I was coming around, it happened.

"Anyone like Tetris?" she asked as she reached in to her bag to reveal a shiny new black DS lite.

For those who haven't figured it out by now, I'm a huge Nintendo fan, and a fan of the DS in particular. I quote myself from my very first blog entry here when asking my mom the "Important" questions about a potential set up:

Is she single? How does she feel about short guys? How tall was she anyhow? Does she like nerds? DS or PSP?

At this point I ran across the hall like a good little nerd, grabbed mine, and before too long we were knee deep in a game of Tetris. Not wanting to be that nerd(As if I had a choice), I decided to start slow, but before too long she started talking trash. By then, I had had enough, and decided to establish my position as Alpha Geek and let it be known.

Later we were discussing other games and which one's we liked when I realized, "I'm discussing Nintendo games with a model or ex-model, or whatever she is... this is weird. I'm living every single one of my friend's fantasies right now."

The next evening she was at the Twin's again, and we were discussing Cartoon Network.
"Do you watch Robot Chicken?" She asked.
"It's the greatest show ever"
"No, that would have been Arrested Development"
"If you were 3 feet shorter I'd marry you right now"

Monday, November 20, 2006

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Sunday(Resolution)

Note to the reader: This is the final chapter of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the two below first if you haven't already. It should also be noted that this story, while exciting for me, doesn't exactly have an "ending". Therefore, a major portion of this entry may or may not have actually happened.

Sunday I woke up and started to reflect upon the previous two days events. They had hit me like a whirlwind. Suddenly I had cute twins walking in and out of my apartment like they owned the place. It was like I was in an episode Friends. I was Chandler and Ruthie was Monica, and Rachel was... well... Monica. I hadn't made friends this fast with someone since third grade with James, but that may be attributed to the fact that he had a Nintendo, and my family was too poor to afford one. I felt like my life was a giant snow globe, and I had a girl on each side shaking the crap out of me, and I was thrilled.

"But how did this happen?" I wondered to myself. "How did I get from working up the nerve to knock on their door to feeling like I had two new best friends?"

I went looking for answers, and trained my sights on faith first. I decided to seek out the advice of a local Rabbi for help, and hopefully some insight in to the girl's religion.

For the following conversation, the part of the Rabbi should be read with Mel Brook's voice in mind. Why you ask? Because: 1) I'm making this up. 2) I just watched Spaceballs and Mel sorta cracks me up.

"I understand you had some questions concerning Judaism." he asked as he motioned for me to sit.
"Well, here's the deal... I'm starting to wonder if I accidentally married my neighbor in some ancient Jewish ceremony that I didn't understand."
He laughed at my ignorance for a moment then reassured me, "It doesn't work like that. Jewish weddings aren't that different. I'm sure you would have known had you taken part in one."
"It's just so weird, because one night I go to the five and diner with them, and the next thing..."
"Woah, wait... five and diner? Did one of them order a hot water?"
"YES! I thought that was weird. Who does that?"
"Well, that's a tradition from the old times, most people have forgotten it. Technically speaking, by letting her order the hot water you've agreed to take her as your wife."
"Wait... I was just making a joke dude... A little ice breaker. We're married?"
"Technically speaking, yes"
"You know... I always thought I'd marry a girl who had a big ass and wasn't fun. This is awesome."

He nodded in approval and proceeded to answer a few more questions. I shook his hand, thanked him and was about to leave when it hit me.
"You wouldn't happen to know which one it was that I married would you?"

After that I visited my mom, and then went to a bar to watch the game with my sister and her people.

"They seem really nice, but I think that Ruth might be a little bossy" Geremy told my sister.
"Oh, then she is perfect for Jesse. You'd better lock that up. You should have brought them today" she said.
"I'm pretty sure they had stuff to do, and I'd assume by now they've had enough Jesse time for the weekend" I informed her.

As if in answer my statement that they were tired of me, a few minutes later my phone buzzed and I picked it up to find a text message from Ruth inviting me to a concert on Tuesday.

I got home later in the night and pulled in at the same time as the twins did. They told me they were having a small get together at their house and that I should come by. I met their friend Mike, who was cool, and seemed to be a slight computer nerd too, and their other friend Kendall. Kendall is a tall, beautiful, ex-model. I had overheard in conversation earlier that you had to be 6'3 or taller to ride that ride so I immediately wrote her off. Short guys need love too. (More on that in a later blog)

I was doing laundry while they were making food. I returned from my white T-Shirt folding to find Ruth laying in an odd spot on the floor. This is nothing out of the ordinary, but the fact that she was in pain was out of the ordinary. Apparently, while I was out, she had had a slight accident with a cookie sheet and burned her stomach. It's my belief, and I'm sure the reader will agree with me here, that the burning of the stomach was just a ploy for my attention. Her gamble paid off, and despite her protests, I took her to the Walgreen's to get some burn ointment. As we walked out she said, "You want to help me put it on?" and lifted up her shirt a little to reveal the burn on her lower stomach. At that point I fainted. She put me in my car and drove us home.

The twins had told me earlier that on "school nights" they had to be in bed by 11, so as soon as the clock struck 11 I pushed everyone out of their condo and went home myself. As I got ready for bed I went to use the restroom, and for the first time in almost a year of living there I closed the bathroom door. You never know when somebody is going to come barging in these days.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Saturday(Rising Action)

Note to the reader: This is part two of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the one below first if you haven't already. Like most 3 part stories, this one is kind of long and boring(Empire Strikes Back excluded). I promise to bring the punny a little more in part 3.

On Saturday I woke up at around 7:50. I had assumed, incorrectly, that Geremy would call me when they were leaving to hike. Geremy had assumed, also incorrectly, that at a few months shy of 30 I was a big enough boy to set my alarm properly. I'm actually normally very punctual, but in this case I had been out until 3 or 4, and then spent the next two hours lying in my bed trying to sleep with a cheesy grin on my face giggling like a school girl(Read: Stressing over every detail of the previous night).

I called Geremy and he told me they were almost to the mountain. At this point I panicked just a small bit. I was the contact for the twins, Allen, and indirectly a guy who lives in my building, and I was more than just a tad tardy. The major issue here was that Harold had to be at work early, so we had to get the hiking on ASAP.

I ran next door to see if the girls were awake, but they seemed to be in even worse shape than I was. I'm assuming they stayed up all night giggling and talking about how cute their neighbor is, which resulted in a fight over me, possibly involving pillows, but if you remember from the above paragraph, my assumptions are quite often wrong. They weren't feeling very decisive or coherent, so eventually I had to take charge and tell them to go back to bed. Allen lives a ways a way so I had to call him and tell him that I had blown it for him too as there wasn't time to wait on him. As always, he was cool. Feeling a bit like a jackass who just back stabbed someone and voted them off the island I headed off for the mountain.

The hike was a great time as usual. This particular trip featured guest appearances by Geremy, Harold, and Josephine. After the hike Geremy and Joe decided to come back to my house to watch G's Carlos Mencia DVD, and grab some lunch.

Ruth had text messaged me while I was on my way home letting me know that she'd be by the pool. As we got to my condo and stepped out on the balcony, which overlooks the pool, we saw Ruth directly below us wearing quite the bathing suit. It's 11 floors away, so the view wasn't that great, but before I could run to grab my binoculars Geremy decided a better idea would be to throw water off the balcony and see if he could hit her. After a few shouts back and forth Ruth left the pool and a minute later walked right in to my condo and sat on the couch.

After the DVD she had to leave to get ready for a party at 2. She had invited us all to go with her. I wasn't sure if it was an invite to be polite, or an invite due to sincere desire for our presence, but she zipped off before too much discussion. My friends left, and I took a shower. I was still unsure if I was going to a party or not, but a bit later I was sitting at my computer and Rachel walked in, told me we were going to be late, and dragged me out the door before I could protest(Not that I would have).

Jay came with us to the "party", which was more of a large lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Jay being there helped me out since he is pretty talkative, and that saves me from making an ass out of myself. There were at least 40 people there, and I spent a good time just observing and paying attention to others.

My post-party plan for the evening was to visit my mom and then go watch the Sun's game with Miranda and Geremy, but as I left my condo I knocked on the neighbor's door to give them a hard time about always being late(There were voices inside the condo, and they were supposed to have left by then). It turned out that only Ruth was home, which I guess makes her the late one. She invited me in, and we ended up talking for probably at least an hour. Somewhere in the middle the topic turned to myspace.

"We should be myspace friends!" she said with this big smile.
"Myspace... yeah... uhm... well... here's the deal... You see, I keep this uhm... blog."
"Well, it's about me sucking with women, but not really... it's uhm... well, it's supposed to be funny"
"Well..." deep breath, "There may be a story about you and your sister that I wrote like a month ago up there."

At this point it probably could have gone a lot of ways, but she seemed excited, and insisted upon reading it. She also insisted upon me sitting there while she read it. It would be a gross understatement to say that I was slightly uneasy while she read a blog entry titled, "I think I'm in love" that I had written about her, a month before really knowing anything about her, all while I sat two feet away.

After a few nervous moments that included a lot of laughing by her, she finished and told me she loved it and couldn't wait to show her mom. My uneasiness gone, I headed out and met up with my family. The Sun's finally won, and I had a good time.

I finally got back to my house around 11 and having gotten less than 3 hours of sleep the night before, along with my very active day, my body had reached a whole new level of exhaustion. My brother called, drunk and at a party, to tell me about some girl who was in to me, but I was too tired to listen. I hung up and laid down. After what I thought was a few moments I heard from the hallway, "Jesse, are you awake?"

I put my pants on, got my bearings and opened my door to find both of my neighbors outside of my door. One was sitting on the floor, and I was really confused. I picked her up and took them to their condo. I'd love to recount for the reader what happened, but to be honest I don't remember. My stomach hurt really bad and I was trying to think of a polite way to leave. In my tiredness, I believe the best I could come up with was interrupting one of them mid-sentence with "I'm tired" and leaving.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Friday(Exposition)

Note to the reader: I had every intention of doing 2 or 3 posts for "reader participation week". So far that's been a bust, and I had such a crazy weekend that I'd like to commit as much as possible to the blog, so we'll either delay, or just skip the other posts. Since I'm constantly told that my entries are "too long" this weekend will be broken in to 3 posts to cover the 3 days.

On Thursday evening I ran in to my neighbor Maria and she told me she was having a little get together at her house late Friday night. I was planning on hiking with the people's early Saturday, so I had planned on stopping by, but not hanging out for long. Jesse from 2 years ago would have just been anti-social and not gone since I wouldn't know anyone who would be there, but today's Jesse has a commitment to being socialer.

On Friday I walked by one of my neighbor twins downstairs. I kept telling myself that if I bumped in to them I should invite them hiking with us since it would be a good way to get to know them, and probably isn't too forward, but as I walked past I kind of choked and let the moment pass. I later found myself alone in my condo, and I'm not sure what got in to me, but I decided I should just get some sack, walk across the hall and invite them. I probably spent a good 5-10 minutes arguing with myself in my head.

"What if they think you're a total spaz. That's going to make those passings in the hallway awkward"
"It's just hiking dude, it's not like you're asking them to marry you, this isn't a big deal"
"Just don't say anything like, 'Hi, you're pretty. I like boobies'"

Finally I pushed all the thoughts aside and went over and knocked. One of the girls answered the door, and I said quite proudly, "Hi, you're pretty. I like boobies"

Okay, I actually just asked if they wanted to go hiking, but it could have very easily gone the other way given my track record. I was expecting a "Hmm, maybe" or something of that nature, but as I finished her face lit up and she said, "I'd love to go hiking." She went to get her sister who also seemed to like the idea. She then told me I'd need to get their numbers so I could wake them in the morning. We exchanged numbers and talked for a bit.

"Are you going to Maria's party?" one of the sisters asked.
"I was considering stopping by"
"Well, we'll stop by and get you before we go."

Maria's door is a good 10 feet away from mine, so I probably could have found it on my own, but when two cute twins offer to swing by and pick you up you nod, smile, and try to say something in response that, in my case, normally comes out something like, "Garsh, that'd be swell." A while later they knocked on my door and I went down with them. At this point I also met their friend Jay who was accompanying them.

Before I knew it I was knee deep in conversation on the balcony trying to figure out which twin I was talking to. Keeping up with them was tough, but I did my best. After a long while of hanging out someone decided they were hungry and they announced they were leaving to go get food. I wasn't quite sure if "They" were leaving or if "We" were leaving, but as they got up Ruth(Who I had figured out was the one I was talking to) looked at me and said something like, "Well, come on," and I was more than happy to follow.

After a meal at the Five and Diner and a trip to walk their brother's dog I found myself on the roof of our building playing the guitar for Ruth as she fell asleep. I think it was 3 or 4 am at that point so I walked them downstairs to their condo and then went across the hall and fell into my bed.

Before everyone(Read: Mom) starts practicing "Hava Nagila" and picking out glasses for me to stomp on, it should be noted that both girls are taken.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Cute Tax Girl from Floor 7

One morning last week, while walking from my car to the elevator at the office, I apparently paused to let a car go in front of me. I didn't commit this event to memory because there was nothing extraordinary about it at the time. The girl who then parked and got out of this car was a good 30 feet behind me, but I held the elevator for her because the parking garage elevators are quite slow.

"Wow, you let me go in front of you and held the elevator for me. That's really nice", she said as she got in the elevator.
"Well, I'm in no rush to get to work anyhow" came out of my mouth while "Holy crap you're a robo-babe! I love you" stayed locked safely in my head.

I kept talking to her during the elevator ride, and then as we walked in to the building. I told her where I work, and she told me where she works (7th floor doing taxes for Price Waterhouse Cooper.) We talked for a while, and it was probably the best conversation I've ever had with a complete stranger.

As we got off the first elevator and headed in I noticed my co-worker Sean about 20 feet ahead of us. He turned around and glanced but didn't say hi and just kept walking. He later told me that he had thought, "That sounds like Jesse" but when he turned around he realized, "No, he's talking to a cute girl, can't be Jesse."

As we hit the elevators to go up to our floors we said our "Goodbye"s and "Nice to meet you"s. She works on the 7th floor, and I work on the 15th, and that means we take separate elevators inside the building(Damn the segregation). As I got into the elevator Sean was waiting and told me that I was "Floating".

"Damn, what got in to you baller?"
"I have no idea. That was crazy. You saw it right? I haven't gotten so delusional that I just imagined myself talking to a cute girl have I?"
"Yeah, what was her name?"
"Dammit... I forgot ask"

I was really pumped from the experience, but tried to concentrate on my work that day. That didn't work, so naturally I spent half the day writing her name on my trapper keeper with hearts around it, putting "Mr. and Mrs. 'Cute Tax Girl from Floor 7'" on my notepad, and drawing what I personally feel is an exceptional likeness depicting her riding a dolphin through the ocean under a rainbow while the sun is setting.

All kidding aside... she seemed pretty cool and I came away with a positive feeling about the experience.

It just so happens that yesterday I ran in to her again in the parking lot.
"Oh, hey" I said, curious if she'd remember me.
"Oh, I remember you," she said, "I didn't catch your name last time."
At the same time, not wanting to miss her name, I held out my hand and introduced myself, "I'm Jesse"
"I'm Linda"

We had another lengthy discussion trading questions back and forth, and again I walked away with a really good feeling.

Note to the reader: The above drawing was actually made by Sean in reference to a joke on another blog. More info on that coming soon. Show of hands from the class... how many people thought I actually drew that picture of a girl from my building?

Reader Participation: Pick My Poison

That's right, it's time for the fifth annual reader participation week here at Sesquipedalis. It's that time of year where the 2 to 3 loyal readers band together to give me a digital kick in the ass and help me create a moment in my life that will become the next story.

Do you want a funny story, a sad story, a depressing story? It's up to you the reader.

Here's how it works. First you read the story above about my new building crush Linda and then respond to this post with what you think I should do. If you've been paying attention to stories such as this one, you'll know that I'm socially retarded enough to take advice from two drunk girls. If that's the case then I'm more than willing to take advice from random people on the Internet.

"But I don't know how to leave a comment", your sad sad nontechnical brain is thinking right now. Normally I'd tell you to get the hell off of my blog, but it is reader participation week, so open those mouths baby birds because momma is about to feed you some knowledge.

Just click on the bottom of this post where it says, "2 comments". If you haven't figured it out, that 2 will change to however many comments there actually are. I've even enabled anonymous posting for those too lazy to sign up for an account.

It's that easy. Give me good advice, give me bad advice, make me look like an idiot, it's up to you. I'll choose one, or go it on my own, but one thing we can all be sure of... I'll probably end up making an ass out of myself. Don't forget to tell a friend! Prizes will be awarded based on random criteria picked at a later date by me.

Here's a few examples from fictitious readers that I just made up to get you started:
"Leave a note on her car confessing undying love"
"Give up, go out with somebody else"
"Buy a ring and propose"
"I don't know, build her a cake or something"

Void where prohibited by law. Not open to residents in the state of New Jersey. We here at Sesquipedalis do not recommend that you try anything listed here on your own. Jesse is a professional at making an ass out of himself, and as such these stunts should not be attempted by anyone hoping to get to first base or further with any real life girl.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Second base with Aunt Sharon

After hiking on Saturday I went home, rested up and then headed to Geremy's to get ready for the Halloween party. Geremy had called to inform me that he had made a few "special modifications" to his Robin costume, which was a bit of a cause for concern. I didn't pay it much attention though because I was still trying to figure out a way to avoid looking like I weighed 350 lbs. in my costume.

I arrived at G's place and went up stairs to find that he had removed the legs and arms from his costume. It actually looked pretty amusing. At this point, he was trying to figure out how to make his "Bat Bulge" look bigger. I threw my costume on and as I came out he tossed me a weird object to use for my bulge. It's hard to describe, but it was similar to a clear bean bag filled with a thick liquid. I inserted it(Outside the undies, inside the costume), and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but it was pretty comfortable.

"So what is this thing anyhow?"
"Oh, that's Aunt Sharon's boob."
"What the hell does that mean? Is that code for something?"
"No, she had her implants replaced and gave me her old ones"
"I've got a removed breast implant from some lady I don't know in my crotch!?!"
"Eh, okay. You ready to go?"

We hopped in the batmobile, and headed off. With the top down, the capes were flowing out the back, and we were blasting the theme to the original Batman TV show the whole night. We made a few stops to show off the look, and then headed to the party.

The party was everything you'd expect. I saw plenty of sexy costumes, cute girls, people passed out, people throwing up, beer pong, half naked girls, half naked guys, and tasteless costumes.

We made a big splash with our costumes and antics:
Batman and Robin

Half way through the night, with at least a few drinks in him, Robin decided that he was tired of following in Batman's footsteps and claimed his independence. Batman found him later dressed in only a cape, mask, and a pair of tighty whities explaining to some poor girl, rather loudly, "Robin is my slave name! I no longer answer to that"

Seeing him in his tighty whities was quite the shock so I yelled at him from across the party ,"I told you not outside of the Batcave!" We had a slight back and forth, and he left to play beer pong.

One intersting thing about having a fake bulge is that women feel it's acceptable to touch it. One poor girl had been touching Geremy's all night and failed to realize he had removed it once he was down to his skivvies.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Tales from the Top: Week 2

Last Saturday we decided to hike Squaw Peak yet again. This time we wanted to be on the mountain by 7:30 since Harold had to be at work early. Geremy also enlisted two more girls, Heidi and Desireé, from his veritable cornucopia of girls that I have no chance with.

I got up, got ready, and then got a call from G telling me that Harold wasn't answering her phone, and that she was Heidi's ride to the mountain, so he wasn't sure what to do. We decided that I'd go pick her up and we'd meet at the mountain which seemed convenient enough. It was a bit of a trek out to her house estate, but it was a nice day so I took the top down and enjoyed the drive. She had woken up at 6:30 too, and it didn't seem fair to leave her out of the festivities just because Harold's lazy ass couldn't get out of bed.

Let's pause for a moment here, for reasons that will soon become apparent, to describe my "type". Most of my life I've thought that having a "type" was a bit silly. My friend Bryan is fond of saying, "If you're in the desert dying of thirst you don't wait for a clean glass." I think you can find something attractive in most people, but in the past 2 years of my post-Stacey journeys I've realized that I do in fact have a "type". That's not to say that someone has to have certain qualities, but to be sure, these qualities are always a recipe for an insta-crush. Let's try to break down the key points here for the reader at home.

1. Energetic - I think I'm fairly energetic when I want to be, so being around energetic people helps bring that out in me.

2. Cute Smile - I'm a sucker for a girl with a cute smile. This may be because I'm physically incapable of smiling on demand(That's a story for another time, and not in any way a joke)

3. Out Going - By out going I mean more out going than I am. That's not too tough. There are agoraphobes in the world who are more out going than I am.

That mostly sums it up. Now back to our regularly scheduled program....

I wasn't really sure what to expect out of Heidi, but I had my fingers crossed for kind of a big, lazy, unattractive girl for two main reasons.

First, I had to spend the next 30 minutes alone in a car with this girl who I didn't know, and if I found her attractive I was sure to have more blogging material than anyone would care to read.

Second, I had to hike up a mountain with her, and if she was slow, it would make me not look so bad.

It's not often that I get what I wish for, and Saturday was no exception. I knocked on the door, and who should answer but a nice, energetic, outgoing girl with a super cute smile. At this point the nervousness started to kick in, but I think I did quite well. It helped that she's one of the warmest/easiest to talk to people I've met in my life. We even had a brief Star Wars discussion on the way back initiated by her. (Every fellow nerd reading my blog just read the last sentence as, "She's perfect")

Don't expect the wedding invitations any time soon though. She also happens to be 19, and given the universal formula for acceptable dating age ranges, that's waaaay out of line. (For those curious, the UFADAR is: Half your age+7. For example I'm 29. Half of 29 is 14.5. Plus 7 gives us a minimum age of 21 and a half)

Even I'm smarter than to disobey the UFADAR, and I was surprisingly able to keep any crush type feelings to a minimum. You can be sure though that if I was 10 years younger I'd be at home right now with my guitar across one leg, and a pad of paper on the other trying to think of words that rhyme with Heidi.

At any rate... I still had hope on the way there that Desireé would be size large and therefore I could avoid being the weakest link, but again no such luck. Desireé was another cute 19 year old, and just as energetic and fit as Heidi.

We eventually made it to the top despite my frequent stops and general wussings. I'm sure if either of the girls has a blog they have an entry titled, "Good Deeds: Helped an old man to the top of a mountain"

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Pay attention when ordering your costume online

About 5 years ago I had the idea to dress up as Batman and Robin with one of my bosses for a certain event. That's a long story, and one I'm sure I'll eventually commit to blogingdom. The joke behind it was that he (6'2ish, 250 lbs) would be Robin, and I (5'5, 130 at the time) would be Batman.

The idea fell through, but I always thought it was amusing. As Halloween approached this year I tossed the idea out to Geremy and since he liked it, we decided to do it. We wanted to make sure we had the older looking costumes as the point was to be as cheesy as possible. I searched online and found the perfect costumes. Unfortunately I must have made a mistake when ordering:

Last Friday they arrived in the mail and I put the chest on:

At this point I was fairly excited. I mean deep down inside every guy wants to be Batman, and the costume was looking pretty good. But then I put on the cape and cowl with patented "Fat Ass" technology.

More actual stories from the weekend coming as soon as I'm motivated enough to type them out....

Friday, October 27, 2006

Una Vez

24 Posts under my belt and I've somehow managed to not write about Erik, or one of his stories. This is a bit mind boggling considering the number of situations that he manages to get himself into.

Since some readers don't know Erik, I figure a proper introduction is in order. We met in 8th grade, but didn't really become friends until junior year in High School. He actually dated a girl I had a crush on, so I didn't have a lot of love for him at first, but we ended up in a programming class together, and the rest is history I guess. We bonded over BASIC programming, love of classic Nintendo, and our mutual failings with members of the opposite sex. The difference with Erik and I is that the ladies love him and he still can't score, but that's a story for another time. Erik's one of the funniest guys I know, but he's even dryer in his delivery than I am, and I think that's often times lost on people. He's a bit quirky too, and I think people don't expect that.

But enough about my man-crush on my best friend. I thought I'd introduce Erik with a classic story that I was reminded of recently.

When we were younger Erik had a job doing banquet set up at the Ritz Carlton. It was a good job for him, and I think he enjoyed it. On one particular night Erik was mopping the floors and he had one of those signs that read, "Be careful, wet floor." Being that we live in Arizona, it also said it in Spanish, "Cuidado Piso Mojado".

One odd trait that Erik and I have in common is that we both like to use Spanish even though neither of us has more than 2 years worth of High School Spanish knowledge. To this day we have numerous things that we say in Spanish for no real reason.

Well, as Erik mopped the floors he told his coworkers, "Cuidado Piso Mojado!" He happily continued to mop and tell everyone who passed by, "Cuidado Piso Mojado". Many of Erik's coworkers were Mexican, and many of them spoke Spanish only. Eventually, one guy who did speak English pulled him aside and let him know that while what he was saying was technically correct, with his white boy accent it was dangerously close to, "Cuidado Pinche Mojado" which roughly translates to "Be careful wetback".

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Top 5: Things that rock about the upcoming month

Unfortunately it's been a somewhat slow week for me. With a boring week comes a boring blog entry. Sure I had a night where I hit on a lesbian, hung out with a Cardinals cheerleader, and saw two people making out who really had no business making out, but that night sort of had that "Been there done that" kind of feel, so I think it's time to mix it up a little.

This is the first and most likely last entry in a series we'll call "Top 5". Today's topic, the upcoming month, and why it rocks.

1. Thanksgiving -
I don't like turkey. I don't like cranberry sauce. In fact, 9 out of 10 traditional Thanksgiving day foods I'm not a huge fan of. The exception of course being stuffing. I'm sure someone will correct me here if I'm wrong, but I believe that Stuffing comes from the Navajo word Stuffay meaning quite literally "Fruit of the gods".

So what is it (aside from the stuffing) that rocks about Turkey day? It's a few things:

First, it's tradition. I'm not a huge fan of tradition either, but when it comes to the holidays, the family gets together, and we all bring our A game. Jokes are flying. People are laughing. Tales are told.

Second, it's a four day weekend to relax and have fun.

Third, I've had a date of one sort or another for the last eight Thanksgivings. Sure the first six were Stacey, and the last was Angela who was there because her girlfriend is scary, not to see me, but that doesn't matter. Of course the prospects for a date this year are looking mighty slim, but I haven't given up hope.

If you're a single, female blog reader between the ages of 21 and 40, and in to short nerds, feel free to send in an application to join the family T-day.

2. Cooler Weather -
I hate talking about the weather. I hate caring about the weather, but ever since I got a bad ass convertible, the two months a year where it's cool enough to ride around during the day with the top down are the best. There's just something relaxing about it.

3. Halloween -
There's only one thing that rocks about Halloween, and that's the costumes. No, I'm not talking about some dude dressed up in a really funny costume, or somebody who just nailed that Superman look, I'm talking about the females. Sometime between age 15 and now I missed the memo, and it became acceptable for a girl to dress as anything on Halloween as long as it was slutty. Slutty Devil, Slutty Police Officer, Slutty Nurse, Slutty Ballerina, Slutty Princess? Yeah, I've seen them all.

Girls seem to enjoy dressing revealing and sexy, and guys obviously like it, so why does it only happen one day a year? Is it that we as a society need an excuse, or is it that if we did what we wanted all of the time it would become less exciting?

4. New Nintendo and new Zelda -
Unless you're a first time reader, you already know I'm a huge dork, so let's skip the formalities on this one and just say that I will spend half the month of November skipping through the house with a cardboard tube in my left hand pretending it's a sword and humming the theme to Legend of Zelda. Sure it makes me lame, but despite what I said in #1, it's tradition.

5. Steve Nash -
For all the crushes I've written about in my blog, none come close to my man-crush on Steve Nash. I loved the guy's spunk when we had him as a rookie 10 years ago, but since he's come back to the Suns, the little Canadian kid who could has dominated the NBA through sheer will. He's short, not that fast, not that athletic, and he seems to follow my hair style choices. He hooked up with both a Spice Girl, and Elizabeth Hurley. Basically, he's my hero, and in a couple of weeks he returns to action to own the NBA yet again. I couldn't possibly be more excited.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Nerd Word(s): Keep Faith Alive

Keep Faith Alive
- statement

1. A sarcastic statement to someone who's feeling down on themselves.

2. Goodbye

3. A serious statement for someone who's had an unfortunate occurrence

[Origin: A saying I've used for a very long time, that got even more use once digital communication(IM, Email) became the norm. Originally stolen from Will Smith on Fresh Prince of Bel Air]

- synonyms
1. Keep Faith Alive... you are somebody, You are somebody

- usage
1. "I'm never going to find a girl, I'm such a loser"
"Keep faith alive, you are somebody"

2. "Later dude"
"Keep faith alive"

3. "Wow, your dog got hit by a car? That really sucks. Keep faith alive though"

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Introducing the cast of Sesquipedalis

I've gone ahead and updated this old post to add some more people that had been left out. I've found it quite interesting that many people who are prominent figures in my life don't get blogged about. I guess that no drama = no entry, and while that may seem odd, the best days usually don't make for a good story.

My blogging mentor Mandi left a comment about my naming conventions and that reminded me that I probably need to explain who everyone in my stories is. For the longest time I've had a habit of giving people nicknames, and if there's one thing I can do, it's make a nickname that sticks. So without further ado, lets talk about who we've been talking about...

Miranda - Alias: Mory, Murray
My younger sister. If you've never met Mory, just imagine me with blond hair and boobs and you get the idea. While I got the smarts in the family, she got looks and social ability. She's the "fun" one in the family.

Josh - Alias: Joshua
My older brother. Looks wise, my complete opposite. He's big, burly, strong, manly. He's the take charge kind of guy who's going to get things done.

Josh's fiancé. Also possibly in love with me, but that's a blog for another time. Note the double n.

Mom - Alias: Mother, Liz, Dizzy Lizzy
You guessed it, my mother. She'll tell you her slight craziness is due to her recent brain surgery, but don't believe it. She was always a little zany.

Dad - Alias: Big Guy, Mike
My dad's a decent guy. If you ever need to get anything done, and can't figure it out, he's got 3 different approaches to offer, and an excel spreadsheet to help you stay on schedule. He's an engineering manager though, so I can't think too highly of him.

Stacey - Alias: Pimpin, The Ace of Stace, Spanky, etc...
Note the e in her name. My ex-girlfriend, and possibly the motivation behind the blog. We knew each other for about 8 years, and dated for the last 6 of those 8. Broke up about 2 years ago when the bit... sorry, I promised my therapist I'd only write happy things...
It was actually a fairly civil break up.

Ana - Alias: Chica, The Chilean Princess, Mi Amor
Note the one n. A girl I met in school. If there was a "Miss Computer Sci" pageant, this girl would win it, and they'd close the pageant for the next 60 years because there'd be no need to continue. A girl I've chased for 2 years now, and will probably continue to chase and never catch for the rest of my life.

Angela - Alias: The Lesbian, Turbo Spaz 5000, TS5k
My mom's idea of a good set up.

Stacy - Alias: Smitchel
Note the lack of the e. Office mate of my mom's who has since become a good friend of mine and my sister's. Not many stories involving her yet, but we'll get there.

Stacy's boyfriend. We'll get to him soon too.

Geremy - Alias: Todd
A friend of my sister's who is teaching me how to treat a lady with class.

Amy - Alias: Harold
My hiking buddy.

Ruth - Alias: Ruthie, Little Ruthie, Little RuRu, E, The girl who put the Ru in RuRa
One of my two neighbors, and the leading cause of my impending mental breakdown. Individually, each is a force of nature that no sane man could possibly handle. Together, they're actually worse. To take a word from Kendall: Quite possibly the two most charming girls on the planet.

Rachel - Alias: Goob, Ray, L, The girl who put the Ra in RuRa
The crazier of the two if that's even possible. Rachel's got a potty mouth, and the attitude to match. If you're having trouble figuring out which is which, Rachel is the one that just called you a bitch.

A friend of Ruth and Rachel's who has caught my attention with her knowlege in the ways of the nerd, quick wit, and astute sense of humor.

A friend of Kendall's who I'm sure we'll get to soon

Erik - Alias: OG, OG Big E, Huge E, E Money
My best friend and rival in the "Worlds worst with women" competition. It should be noted that as of late he's been doing a better job with the ladies, which puts me in the lead.

Crap, another A name... My doorman/valet and a total pimp with the ladies. A reader of my blog who fills me in on the goings on of the building.

Rose - Alias: RoRo, Rosie, Ro
Somehow Rose has escaped starring in a story as of yet, and that's quite a surprise as I look back. Maybe it's because she packed up her crap and moved to PA with no regard for my feelings and subconsciously I want to get back at her...

Actually Rose is one of my oldest and dearest friends. We have our ups and downs, but that's mostly because we think and act just alike. She's a pain in my ass, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Adam - Alias: O, The Odgeman, AO
Despite the fact that he's the one who introduced me to both Stacey and Rose, he's still one of my best friends in the world. I say "in the world" because he recently packed his bags and ran off to Germany. You'll never meet a man with a more odd yet perfect sense of humor and timing, or a deeper knowledge of the Suns.

Sean N - Alias: Needs
A more recent work friend who shares both my ability to procrastinate, and desire to make fun of others. Also the non commissioned illustrator for both my office art, and this blog

Sean L - Alias: Liang, Lang-a-tang, Baller, Pimp, Pimpin baller pimpin baller...
The third member of the Slacker Trio at work, and unfortunately for him most often the butt of the jokes. You'll never meet a whiter man who listens to 50 cent.

Mikele - Alias: Kelly, The one and only Mikele
A long time friend and avid blog reader/writer. Possibly one of the first ever recorded pretend girlfriends, but that was a long time ago.

Sarah - Alias: Snacky, my "Married Girlfriend"
Someone I've known for well over half my life, and possibly the second girl I ever had a crush on. We'll get to her eventually I'm sure.

An old friend from High School and exceptional artist. Another person that while I haven't mentioned much, is often around.

J.R. - Alias: B, Baller, Hurley, Hurley McBaller
A friend of Sean N's who I've gotten to know. A forefather in ballerdom, and the inspiration for He was also a star in the upcoming movie, "The Kingdom". You'll have to check his blog for more on that though.

I've left a lot of people out on purpose, but I wanted to cover the people that have appeared on the blog. I'll try to keep this updated as we go.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Jesse climbs high...

This Saturday I went hiking with Geremy and a girl I had never met(I don't think) named Amy. With an Adam, an Ana, an Anna, two Angela's, and an Angela clone in my life the blogger's commission has informed me that my quota of A names is used up and therefore, for the duration of this blog Amy will be known as Harold.

Harold's a cute girl, all dressed up in pink, with those big sun glasses that make a girl look slightly like a fly that are so popular right now. Flys freak me out, so I'm not so in to the style, but I also wear a white T-shirt and jeans 6 days a week, so I don't expect to see Jesse's Views on Fashion on E! any time soon.

So Todd, Harold and I met at Squaw Peak and spent a good two hours hiking, resting, and joking around. I was surprisingly not too much of a spaz for having just met a cute girl. I have a few theories as to why this might be:

1a) The big sunglasses. The big sunglasses theory is centered around eye contact. With big sunglasses I can't not make eye contact... I can't see her eyes. This theory requires more testing and therefore I plan on keeping two pairs of sunglasses with me at all times in the future. Any time I need to speak with a girl I'll politely ask that she put the glasses on first.
"What can I get you sir" a cute waitress will ask.
"Could you put these on please?" I'll ask while staring at her feet, then boldly and confidently state, "Diet Coke, please"

1b) The butt. The butt theory flows from the sunglasses theory. As the three of us climbed the mountain, Geremy was first, followed by Harold, followed by me. While Geremy got a view of the mountain as we climbed, I got a view of Harold's ass. When you spend 2 hours staring at someones ass, eye contact is no issue. To further test this theory I will stare at every girl that I meet's butt as much as possible. It's a hard task, but I feel it's my duty to get to the bottom of this.

2) The pink hoodie. 20 minutes into the hike, I ended up being the designated holder of Harold's pink hoodie. This theory states that any man wearing a pink Victoria's Secret hoodie while hiking has already paid his dues to the god of shame and no further sacrifice is needed.

3) Exhaustion. I'm fat. I'm old. This theory revolves around the fact that I was too tired to be stupid.

At any rate, I had an awesome time. Geremy gave a speech on top of the mountain concerning his views for socio-economic reform and its relation to our education system. I was a complete freak making jokes about everything from a new candy bar(Platoona Maroon) to how I was now dating Harold(I was, after all holding her stuff like a boyfriend. What's next, a midnight trip to the convenience store to get Playtex?) For her part, Harold helped provide the scenery(See 1b above), and almost died due to loss of blood from slipping.

No cause for worry, Harold is fine.

So what I'm saying here is that we all had a good time(At least I did), and I look forward to climbing the mountain again if my body doesn't reject me for making it actually... you know, move.

...and then hits a new low

When I got home from hiking I intended to immediately call my mother. As she's still recovering from her aneurysm we tend to make plans to hang out. For the past week she's been really excited about the new Robin Williams movie. She told me earlier this week that she wanted us to go see it on Friday afternoon.

For the past 6 years I've had a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday job. For some odd reason nobody seems to remember that though. I explained to my mom that Friday night or Saturday might work better. We ended up agreeing on Saturday.

So as I go to call mom I see that I have a missed call and a message. It turns out she's going out with my dad instead. After weeks of hearing, "Your father is driving me nuts", this guy steals my Saturday afternoon date.

I'm not even going to begin to comment on the thought process behind taking a woman who is currently going through physical therapy to increase her balance on a day long motorcycle ride through the country.

And now that I've been stood up by my own mother I've hit an all time low.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Nerd Word(s): How embarassing for you

How Embarassing for you
- statement

1. An overdramatic reaction to something that is in fact, not embarassing. The less embarassing the better.

[Origin: Me, Rose's 25th birthday party. While rolling to see which team would go first in a competitive game of video trivial pursuit, Anthony's 5 was shamed by Rose's 6. I loudly exclaimed, "Oh my god, how embarassing for you" and Anthony cried in the corner]

- syonyms
1. How embarassing for me

- usage
See Origin

Why are the elevators so slow around here?

Just a short one, but another great elevator moment brought to you by yours truly.

This morning while waiting for my car, a girl came down and was waiting for hers also. I believe her name was Kate, but don't hold me to that. As we waited, we chatted a little, and I guess I was too tired to say anything really stupid, or maybe I was just too tired to remember the dumb things I said. At any rate she told me that she was going to pick her friend up from the airport and then was off to work.

It just so happened that the exact same girl was coming home at the same time as I was, and we shared an elevator ride up.
"He's stalking me" she pointed out to her friend, "Just Kidding"
"No, I am... I'm really into you" I joked. "What floor you going to?" I asked as she had her hands full and I really like pressing the buttons.
"Wow, I'm impressed"(17 is the top floor)
"Oh, you're only on 11? I'm not sure I can even talk to you"
"I know, how embarrassing for me"

Up until this point I had done quite well. There was a little back and forth, a little humor. But then somewhere between floors 5 and 6 something happened, and I decided to show the real me.
"I'll let you in on a little secret," she told me, "I'm actually renting"
"Oh, I own mine. Although I probably should have waited." At this point I meant to say something to the effect of, "I'm sure they're a lot cheaper now", but what came out of the swirling abyss of retardation that is my mouth was, "I'm sure they're too cheap now".

Immediately after I said it I thought to myself, "What the hell does that mean? That's retarded you moron. Well, maybe they didn't notice"
"What the hell does that mean? Too cheap?" she asked.
"Oh uhm.. uh.... I mean they're probably cheaper now?"

At that point the doors opened and I exited. I'm pretty sure I didn't make eye contact again after about floor 6. I'm sure she'll be down soon to ask to borrow a cup of sugar

Sunday, October 08, 2006

Nerd Word(s): I think I'm in Love

I think I'm in Love
- statement

1. A statement of minor attraction to a member of the opposite sex due to some trivial fact or occurence. The more trivial the better. Often said with a clutching of the chest near the heart.

[Origin: Erik, maybe]

- synonyms
1. I love you, Pienso que soy en amor, Te quiero mucho... baby.

- usage
"She likes Nintendo? I think I'm in love"
"She drives a Honda? I think I'm in love"
"She breathes Oxygen too? I think I'm in love"

I think I'm in love

Note to the reader: Since college I've had a habit of not making my point completely clear when I write. For my personal writing(Read: this blog) my mission is to take a mole hill of some small event and make a mountain out of it. Often times though, I believe the point gets buried under this newly assembled mountain. With that in mind, today's entry will be followed by a factual and hopefully non-ambiguous translation.

Early last week I heard a ruckus outside my door. Nobody lives on my end of the building... at least not on my floor, so I poked my head out to see what was going on. I was surprised to find that my neighbors across the hall were moving in. It was an older couple. By older I mean older than me(Roughly my parent's age?). The woman introduced herself and her husband as Helen and Steve (Respectively, but if you were too slow to figure that out, I'd rather you just quit reading right now). At least I believe those were the names she gave me. I'm not good with names as it is, and I've only got so much storage capacity for names in my noggin. I promptly forgot the names because they weren't cute girls, which my building seems to be filling up with as of late. It's nothing personal against Steve and Helen, they just didn't make the cut.

Helen and I talked for a bit about the building, neighbors, etc. and as I was leaving I said,
"Well, welcome to the building"
"Oh, we don't live here." She chuckled, "This is our daughters' place"
"Helen did you say it was?"

I ran into Helen a few more times as the week passed. She told me her daughters would be coming from New York on Friday. She was really friendly and nice, so I was optimistic that my new neighbors would be too, assuming the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. Of course I was hoping for a cute daughter who was in to short nerds, but I'd have taken someone nice and relatively respectful of the noise level.

On Saturday I ran into their brother who was carrying things up and down. I tried to make some small talk with him, but he didn't really seem that interested. I believe it was mostly him, his two sisters, and his mom, and I can imagine the frustration that that could bring. He had a younger kid with him. Possibly his son. We talked for a few seconds about playing the guitar while I waited for my car to be brought up by the vallet.

By this time I had met the entire family aside from the girls themselves, and to say that I was a little curious would be an understatement. Later on in the day I returned, and as I approached my door I noticed theirs was about half way open.

Since moving in I've been quite curious about condo etiquette. Do I say hello to everyone? Do I make small talk? Do I introduce myself? I'm never quite sure, and everyone I've asked seems to give me a different answer. As a huge nerd, and someone who leans towards anti-social, my gut instinct would be to avoid eye contact, hug the walls, and stare at my feet. If the past two years have taught me anything, it's that my gut is always wrong.

As I approached my door, bags in hand, I figured it was probably rude to peek into someone else's condo and introduce yourself, but as I turned to unlock my door I realized it's also probably rude to turn your back to your new neighbor and not introduce yourself. I turned to sneak a peek and see if anyone was looking out, and I got caught! Sitting in the condo staring back at me was one of my new neighbors. Luckily she was pretty nice, smiled and said hi with a little wave. Of course a cute girl waving and saying hi turned me into a complete idiot. I attempted to wave back, but then realized my hands were full. It occurred to me that setting everything down would allow me to wave, but it didn't occur to me at that moment that setting them down on the table in my condo wasn't the best place for that. As I set everything down, I heard the self closing front door slam shut. "I'm sure that was friendly" I thought to myself.

Later in the evening I passed by the entire family exiting as I walked to my condo. They were mid-conversation discussing their disappointment with the garbage chute.
"What kind of garbage chute do we have here?" one of the sisters asked me.
"The small kind?" I asked back. "It's pretty worthless really. I just walk my garbage out to the dumpster"

At this point I got my first real look at my new neighbors. They're both very cute brunette girls with nerdy type glasses, which I adore. They both look quite similar, and I'm guessing might be twins. They were both taller than I am, but for these girls, I'd grow.

"Have you met your neighbor yet?" Helen asked them in that motherly way.
"Hi" they said, and I returned the welcome.
At that point we had passed, and I kept walking.
"What's your name?" one asked.
"We're Ruth and Rachel"

I went to make some slight joke about the fact that they look very similar such as, "Don't hold me to that", or "I hope there's not a quiz later", but I kind of blew it.

I ran into them a couple of times on Sunday, and the second time they, along with their mother, were outside trying to get a very large dresser(still in the box) out of their SUV. They really seemed perplexed as to how they were going to get this large object out. I passed by thinking, "Wow, I'll be impressed if those three girls can lift that thing on their own." About two steps past their car I mentally smacked myself in the head and did the bugs bunny skid/stop/turn on one foot. I offered to help which they accepted and I made two trips with them and their dressers. I butchered my way through some small talk on the rides up, but they seemed pretty nice and kept the conversation up despite my social inability.

I think I'm in love.

Translation: I met my new neighbors this weekend. They're two girls. They seem nice and cute.

Friday, October 06, 2006


I've been told by numerous people, "I tried to read your blog, but it's really long." While my gut instinct is to respond with, "You should try not moving your lips when you read it, it makes it go faster." I figure maybe I should give shorter entries a try. With that in mind, today we have three smaller stories, and instead of jumbling them all together and making an overly verbose entry, I'll leave them as three smaller tales that are overly verbose.

First, let's take a step back and explain the blog, the point, and the name.

Originally the point was to kind of chronicle my mostly uninteresting stories concerning the aftermath of my relationship with Stacey. We had dated for 6 years, and then I suddenly found myself unwillingly thrust back in to the single world. It's a world I was never familiar with in the first place, so to find myself faced with it in my late 20's has been less than optimal. I'm not much for dating, or social situations, but it has thus far been an interesting ride that I've been mostly happy to be on.

My hope was that in a year, a few years, or a few decades whenever I'm done and settled down I can look back and see all the stupid stuff I did that led up to the point of me rejoining the world of the mundane, the content, the coupled.

Since then I've expanded it a little to contain other topics. My goal was to write one entry a week, but unfortunately my dating life isn't exciting enough to sustain that, so other topics needed to be covered.

The name, sesquipedalis, quite literally means a foot and a half in Latin, which I find somewhat amusing given my diminutive stature, but the significance is a little more than that. A derivative of the word was first used by the writer Horace when ragging on another writer saying that he used, "Foot and a half long words". The word sesquipedalian now means a person who uses big words, or talks too much. I believe the latter applies to me more than the former.


I wrote a while back about a girl named Iliana who I had thought lived and worked in the same buildings as I do. I didn't think I could have possibly screwed that one up more than I did, but it turns out I was wrong. One of the doormen at the Landmark(Allen) stumbled across my blog, and he recently sent me a message informing me that I had spelled her name incorrectly, which means the girl I stalked found on myspace was the wrong girl.

Even more embarrassing for me is the story that I've left out about me messaging her. Oh well, you win some you lose some right? The important part is that we can now call that mystery solved, and case closed.

In another update... Last night I found out that the day that my mom tried to set Angela and I up, my mom introduced Anna(My brother's fiancé) as "My son's girlfriend". A better choice of words may have been, "My son Josh's girlfriend", because Angela thought that Anna was my girlfriend. In other words my mom went through all of this work to introduce me to Angela, and then blew it by making her think I wasn't single. That's neither here nor there really since she's both gay and crazy, but I still find it quite amusing.


Last night I met Stacy, Mike, and Angela at Fox and Hound for a going away of sorts for Angela. She's gotten a new job, and moves on in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if I had too many Sprite's, or if Geremy's training is starting to take hold, but I was quite mean. I interrupted her mid-sentence with such brilliant and sensitive things as, "Here, play with this shiny shiny spoon, and let the grown ups talk" and, "Time out, time out... you can keep talking, but we all stopped paying attention a half an hour ago"

Geremy, and a few friends showed up half way through my verbal onslaught and sat somewhat in awe as I incessantly took it to the poor girl. Geremy sat in the corner like Yoda watching over Luke as he attempted to raise the X-Wing from the swamp, for a moment proud that his student was finally taking hold of his lessons. But much like Luke I'm actually a complete wus(More on that later).

At any rate, the more I made fun of Angela, the more she seemed to like it. After she had left everyone told me I needed to treat every girl that way. I'm not sure I have it in me to be a complete ass to everyone. Angela just brings the inner ass out of me I guess... Wow, that sounds weird. There's a lesbian/gay joke in there somewhere, but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

I had stolen her keys about 2 minutes after she sat down, and as she walked out of the bar I told everyone, "Don't worry, she'll be back". She came back a minute later and I told her the keys were down my pants and if she wanted them she had to come get them. She responded with, "Don't tempt me"

The foot note on this is that we were so flirty back and forth that the waitress thought we were dating and put Angela's drinks on my tab. I paid to get a girl drunk, and didn't even get to first base. I guess its just a typical Thursday night for me.

So was this a success story of sorts? Nah, I'm still me... I emailed her after I got home basically saying, "Sorry if I was an ass tonight. It was all in good fun, and hopefully taken that way"

P.S. I realize that the Yoda/Luke reference was pretty weak, even for me. The thing is, if I don't make at least 1 Star Wars reference every 20 posts I have my nerd license revoked, and where would that leave me? By next week expect a post with a Gandalf/Frodo reference.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

DJ Jazzy Jesse

When gmail was introduced, like a good little nerd I ran out and secured my and promptly forgot about it. I use a yahoo address that I've had forever, and didn't really have a need for another, but I figured I should take it before someone else did.

A recent search for online word processing turned up I love). It just so happens that writely is owned now by google, and as such uses the same log on. When I got there I thought, "Oh yeah, I have a gmail address". After playing around with it I decided to log on and clear out a few years worth of spam that I was sure to have collected. I was hoping for something that could make my erections last longer, make me the ultimate lover or at the very least get me my medication at a discounted rate, but I was surprised instead to find numerous emails from someone named Kim.

Kim sent me a lot of emails, containing a lot of personal information, about weddings that I was supposed to be DJing in the Washington area. For those who don't know, I live in Arizona, and true to my oath in 1964 haven't DJ'd north of Oregon since the incident at the Goldstein bar mitzvah. Kim obviously had the wrong email address, but after 18 emails spanning 3 months, she still hadn't figured it out, and continued to send a wealth of information(Dates, times, names, phone numbers, song selection, etc)

Using the detective skills passed down to me by my friend Sean, I looked Kim up on myspace, and also found many of the people who's weddings I had supposedly DJ'd. This was too much info, and I wanted to both have some fun with Kim, but also send her a message. I refrained from mentioning her daughter(Who was also easily myspaced) as I thought that might be crossing a line.

Dear Kim,

Its been a while since I've checked my gmail, and I was quite surprised to find numerous emails from you concerning my DJing business. This is quite depressing because you've made absolutely no mention whatsoever of the stripping and interpretive dance, which is what I pride myself on. The DJing is more just how I get my foot in the door, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do Kim... I think that you do.

While the Pilawksi's were quite surprised as I started taking my top off on the 2nd for the wedding, I personally believe that they were quite entertained. Even though security felt it necessary to remove me from the venue, I think the message came across loud and clear, and that is what is most important to me, the message Kim... the message.

In closing, I hope you have a good sense of humor Kim, and I hope that you've found whoever you're trying to send emails to's correct address, because its certainly not me. If you were, on the other hand looking for a computer programmer, then you've come to the right place. But I think my talents would be much better spent helping you with your java script problems than playing "I ain't mad at cha" by 2Pac at the Porada/Kashner wedding. Who plays 2Pac at their wedding anyhow Kim? What kind of message does that speak to the family about the longevity of the impending relationship that they've come together to celebrate? And if you'll remember from the second paragraph above, I'm about the message Kim... the message.


P.S. It seems that the correct Jesse you're looking for could most likely be found here: email removed

I realize that I have a habit of understating things in a sarcastic way and leaving it up to the other person to pick up on the joke. I also realize this doesn't always carry over in text so well, but I assumed in this case paragraph 3 made the point quite well. But hours later I received a reply:

Test, Test, Test
Jesse, are you there?

To which I finally decide to be quite clear in response to:

Yes, I'm here, but I assure you you still have the wrong Jesse. I thought I made that clear in my other email. You keep sending to email removed, but you've got the wrong nerd. email removed is my address, and I'm not the Jesse you're looking for.

I was trying to make a point with humor before, but that apparently didn't work so well, so now I'll state quite plainly. I don't DJ, and I don't live in WA. I'm also neither tall nor bald(Not yet anyhow). I'm quite sure I'm not the person you're intending these emails to get to.

I'd also like to take this time to suggest you refrain from sending personal info via the internet if you're not sure of the email address.


Lets hope Kim has finally gotten the message. Afterall, that's what I'm about... the message.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Tuesdays with Todd°

Note to the reader:Many of my blog entries contain inside jokes, or references to things that any common passerby would most likely not "get". With that in mind I've decided to explain as much of this entry as possible and in that way invite you, the reader, to break the fourth wall and join in on the fun. For the duration of this entry, whenever you see this symbol: °, feel free to find the attached note at the bottom of the page and join in on the fun. I'll leave the matching of the note to the section it pertains to as an exercise for the reader. Still confused? Alright, I'll give you an example. The title of this entry is Tuesdays with Todd°. The ° lets you know that there's additional information. When you look at the bottom you get to find out who Todd really is. Its that easy, and fun too! So, without further ado, lets continue on with today's story...

My sister has a friend named Geremy. She's known him since high school, and while I knew of him, I wouldn't say I knew him back then. My sister is 7 years younger than I am, so we didn't exactly hang out a lot back then. As we've gotten older, we tend to hang out more, and that leads to more interaction with her friends. One of these friends is Geremy. He comes out with us sometimes to social events, which is equivalent to me saying, "He goes to the bar with us". I'd like to describe Geremy accurately for anyone reading who doesn't know him, but I'm afraid that the English language is not sufficient for this task, and I'm sure that the few people who do read my blog don't have a firm grasp of Ancient Aramaic. I will endeavor however, to give you the important details about Geremy as they pertain to this story:

A) He's tall, 20-something, pretty decent looking guy, articulate, charismatic, funny, etc°
B) In a social setting he's quite out going. He'll talk to anyone, comment on anyone, involve anyone in his conversation, and say anything to anyone°
C) He's got balls so big° that when he books a flight he has to notify both NASA and the National Weather institute of the impending gravitational shift. Remember that Tsunami a few years back? I'm relatively sure that that coincided with his move to California.

At any rate... the other night I met Mory, Stacy, Geremy and Jodi up at McDuffy's for our usual time of complaining about work, goofing off, and other such nonsense. At one point in the night Geremy had a conversation with our waitress, a cute blond girl. I was sitting across from Geremy, and being that I don't have good bar ears°, I didn't really get to hear the conversation that well. What I did hear was simultaneously impressive and shocking. She introduced herself to him...

"Hi, I'm Mary Kate"
"You look like you eat more than I would have expected", he said, making a reference to her weight in relation to Mary Kate of the Olson twins. I believe I picked up on the reference before she did as she had a slightly confused look on her face for a moment.
"I bet you get that reference a lot" I said to both give Geremy a hard time, and give her a hint as to what he was getting at.
As I did, it seemed to click for her and she shot back, "No that's the first time", as if to say, "Shut up short man, I'm talking to Todd, he's dreamy". For what its worth, I've gone by the name Jesse for 12 years now°, and if I had nickel for every time somebody has told me that they "wish that they had Jesse's girl", I'd be rich now°, so I know that someone has made the Olson reference to this girl before.

Later in the evening Geremy was ranting about how he didn't feel sorry for people who died or were injured in natural disasters since they could have moved. This is taken a little out of context, but very close to how he presented it to our waitress. Even later, when she came back they had a short exchange which I didn't catch, but it ended with him saying, "Don't worry, I think my cold sore is gone" as she picked up his glass and her responding, "Okay, you want to make out later?"

Lets pause for a moment and recap for the reader at home. So far Geremy has told her:
1) She's fat
2) He's soulless and mean(Not really, but I'm rolling, so go with me on this one)
3) He possibly has oral herpes

To all of this she responds with, "Cool, wanna make out?" There are porno movie's with more believable plots than this... If it had been me, I would have gotten half way through #1 before she would have slapped me and had the bouncer throw me out, but somehow Geremy gets away with it.

Is there a point to this story? No, not really, but I figured people were tired of reading me suck with women, so they should read about someone doing well.

° When my friend Stacy met Geremy for the first time she was drunk(go figure), and he was wearing a shirt that said Todd on it. For the entire night she called him Todd, and later insisted that she had never met a "Geremy"

° While my description of Geremy and slight man-crush may lead the reader to believe that I am in fact gay, or that this is a "coming out" entry, I assure you that is not the case. I felt that the information was important to the story.... Besides, I'm still writing that entry. Expect it early next week.

° For all of my exaggerations, let it be known that Geremy will quite literally say anything or do anything. In my short time of rolling with him, I've witnessed him do the following:

1) Picture message his man parts to multiple people he had never met
2) Tube the salt river wearing only a women's bikini bottom
3) Tell a story involving him accidentally inserting his wang into an oscillating fan that had had the cover removed. It should be noted that he told this story while our waitress on that particular night was at our table.

° I say that he has big balls figuratively... meaning that he's got guts, but apparently this statement holds up literally too. Although, by the grace of god, I've managed to so far go without seeing them.

° Bar ears refers to one's ability to hear things at a bar. Whether this skill is gained by lip reading, alcohol consumption, or sacrifices to a pagan god, I don't know, but you'd think someone cursed with ears as big as mine would at least get this as a consolation.

° Before then my name was Jun Fan, but I changed it to Jesse when, after killing a man, I fled to America from Hong Kong and developed Jeet Kune Do("Way of the fist")°

° I assumed that the one good part of the ending of my relationship with Stacey was that the conversations about "Jesse's girl" were done, but I was wrong. And... every single person thinks that he's the first one to have made that connection.

° Rest assured that I didn't kill a man in Hong Kong, the above is actually Bruce Lee's story, and a reference to MTV's "The State"

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Third times a charm?

By March of 2005 I had done more stupid things and said more stupid things to Ana than I care to admit. After the chocolate incident I had mostly given up and was content to have an uneasy smile and an awkward "hello" at passing. I figured the semester would end soon, and with it my crush on the cute Chilean girl.

After class I would sometimes sit out on my bench finishing up homework in to the wee hours of the night. On one particular evening I was surprised to see Ana walk by. She seemed kind of out of sorts. As she passed by I asked, "How's it going?" expecting the normal, "Fine". She was on her way out of the building with her hand on the door when she stopped, turned to me and said, "Its better now, I think." When you've struck out with a girl as many times as I had with her you reconsider any kind of personal inquiry before you let it come out of your mouth, but by this time I figured I had nothing to lose, and she did seem upset.

"Something wrong?" I asked.
"Well, this C++ class I'm taking is really hard, but I think I'm finally catching up"

It should be noted at this point that I've been a professional programmer, mostly in C++, for about 6 years, but before that I was a C++ programmer as a hobby for a good while. Telling me you need help programming is like telling Keith Richards you'd like some help getting wasted, or Andy Dick you need help making your sexuality a little more ambiguous. A girl couldn't possibly give me a better "in" unless she added, "I also need help finding the princess in this Mario game." to the end. But, with my normal level of smoothness, I froze and let her walk out the door.

Later that evening, after kicking myself in the butt a few times I decided I should send her an email offering my help. I was surprised a few days later when I got an actual email back saying she might have to take me up on the offer. I didn't expect another email, but it came the next day. We agreed to meet after class the following week so that I could help her with a project.

It went well, and in no time we were getting together once or twice a week for C++ studying. I had a hard time keeping focused on the work, but she didn't seem to mind too much. We joked around a lot and had a good time usually. She'd give me a hard time for being so white, and I'd give her a hard time for being such a princess. I brought her a tiara one day and insisted she wear it while studying in the library, and she would send me emails in Spanish and make me translate them. All in all, things were going quite well, but on an outside of school level not much was happening. We'd often stay till 8 or 9pm, and I'd invite her out to dinner, but she'd always decline. She made it quite clear that she had no intention of giving me her phone number or calling, so while I always had these amazing 3 or 4 hour study sessions with her, that was it.

As I got to know her, it became kind of apparent that her and I probably weren't a good match. She's an amazing girl, but she's also very Christian, and very strong in those beliefs. While that's not a deal breaker for me, if the crusades have taught us anything, its that heathenism is frowned upon by the Christians. Aside from that, she was home schooled, and raised in a South American type household while I was raised by rednecks. The saying opposites attract is quite true, but they don't always make for the best match.

Our differences aside, I think we made a great pair, and since we're both fairly laid back and able to listen to the others opinion without getting heated, we got along well. The semester continued, and our friendship did too, but as the semester started to wrap up I was getting quite worried that when it ended, so did our "relationship"....