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NerdMory Word(s): Loot

Loot
- noun

1. An abundance of nice things. Usually Christmas presents.

[ Origin: First used in my younger days to describe a particularly good Christmas, but in modern times made popular by Mory ]

- synonyms
1. Fat Loot, Sweet Loot

- usage
1. "No fair! Miranda got more loot this year"

Dad gets it right

In my family, my dad is often the butt of the jokes when it comes to Christmas presents. In his mind it isn't about how much money is spent or buying the perfect thing, but he has, on occasion, attempted to participate in what Christmas has become for my family.

Unfortunately, this is often times met with less than stellar results. He is still ribbed for buying me racing stripes for my car, or the very nice set of motorcycle riding gear that I remember wearing no more than twice. The thing about my dad is that materialistic gift giving isn't exactly his specialty. That doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't give good gifts, just that his best ones aren't purchased at a store.

8 years ago today I was on the road driving from Arkansas to Arizona. Specifically, at about this time I was around the New Mexico border on my way towards Flagstaff and I was getting tired. It was the first holiday season I had ever had a girlfriend for, and it happened to coincide with a fam…

Top 5: Things that rocked about last month

It was recently brought to my attention that a little over a month ago I was quite excited about the upcoming month, which has since passed. The person who brought this to my attention shall remain nameless, but she recommended I write a follow up about the top 5 things that actually rocked about last month and made all 5 points "Kendall".

Still not sure who this anonymous person is? Okay, last hint. Her name rhymes with Bendall.

But enough about that, let's put this train back on the tracks and move on with the topic at hand. In no particular order, the top 5 things that rocked about last month...

1. My Hoodie - The weather has been great. The one most important thing I'd forgotten about was that the return of cold weather means the return of the hoodie.

2. Holidays - Thanksgiving was subdued as it was tethered to a more sad event(My grandmother passed away the following day), but Halloween was a fun time. My costume was great, and riding around in my car with the Batma…

Baby Steps - Jesse Eschews Creepy for "The Right Thing"

Last week as I arrived at work I noticed that a car next to where I normally park had been left with its dome light on. This car just happened to be a blue Honda Civic, which just happens to be the same type of car that Linda, the cute tax girl from floor 7 drives.

The logical assessment of this situation is that fate had intervened in my life. I would go up to the 7th floor, find her, and tell her about her car. She'd thank me and offer to take me to lunch to show her gratitude. Cut to a montage of her and I getting to know each other over the next few months including a first kiss at the top of a Ferris wheel, a trip to the zoo, a snowball fight, and finally culminating with me proposing over a candle lit dinner. There'd probably be some Journey track playing in the background of that scene... I'm not saying that's the only way it could go, but I think we can all agree that it's the most likely outcome.

I got up to my floor and decided to run it by Sean once just t…

Top 5: Things that you should be reading instead of this right now

In my extensive pursuit of blogging mediocrity I've oftentimes found myself reading other's writings in hopes that I might somehow emulate what I perceive as their superior story-telling ability. I find it quite interesting to see what the other denizens of the anonymity stricken Internet have to say to the world, and with that in mind I felt it was time to share my top 5 picks for things you should be reading instead of my crap, and more importantly why.

1. Hatte - An Internet acquaintance of mine with a unique sense of humor. I didn't even know he had an online journal until I randomly stumbled across it and proceeded to read it in its entirety from start to finish. It really is more of a journal than anything, and some posts may be simple, or not particularly relevant to the random passerby, but it is all written well, and interesting. That being said, you're doing yourself a grave injustice if you don't read this post.

2. Basketbawful - A humor blog mostly discu…

"A Jackass named Jesse" or "How I got the +3"

The week after meeting the twins I came to work with a little extra spring in my step. The sun was a bit brighter, the grass was a bit greener. Upon arriving at work I went next door to Sean's office to brag share.

"So how was your weekend dude?" I asked as if a single ounce of me actually cared.
"Pretty good, I went up to the in-laws cab..."
"Yeah, that sounds great, really fantastic for you, glad to hear it. So Friday night...." I went on to tell him the preceding stories of my weekend that have now gone on to blogging fame.

After relating the stories of my weekend to two co-workers I went back to my daily activities, but the stories, the tales... they spread quicker than STD's at a retirement home that has a Viagra machine where a gumball machine should be. Before I knew it people were high fiving me in the halls. Nerds were shouting, "Twins!!! Alright!". Whiteboard drawings were updated... Co-workers were inviting themselves over for mea…

I think I'm in Love Pt. 2

I'm going to be out of town until Monday, and chances are without Internet access. I'm currently working on a blog entry detailing the aftermath of my "Weekend with the Twins", but as it's unlikely to be finished any time soon, I thought I'd share a shorter, more recent story.

I've known Ruth and Rachel for almost 3 weeks now. Out of those 3 weeks there have been probably 3 days total where I didn't see one or the other. That leaves roughly 18 days, and in those 18 days there have probably been 30 moments or incidents where one or both of the girls made me stop and take notice. There have been 30 moments where I got a little weak in the knees, or felt a slight tug on the heart. There have been 30 moments where I felt like a kid in 8th grade with a crush on the cute girl in class.

On Tuesday Rachel commented that she was out of toothpaste and Ruthie said the same. I went next door and grabbed a tube of travel sized toothpaste that I had from my last trip…

Apparently 7 inches means a lot to the ladies...

Note to the Reader: Life's been busy, blogging has been slow. I'm not doing this story justice, but I feel the need to get something out.

Let's take a trip in the way back machine all the way back to my last post. I purposely left off some of the details of the events that took place at the "party" as they didn't exactly pertain to a post discussing how I met Ruth and Rachel. Now that we're writing a post describing how we met Kendall it is time to discuss said events(When I say we I mean me.)

As I said before, the only knowledge of Kendall that I had prior to meeting her was that she only dated guys who were 6'3 or taller. Being 5'5" with my shoes on I found this a bit offensive, and was prepared to write her off as a snob. It's not that I need to have a chance with a girl to accept her... it's the principle of the matter. Short guys need love too. Besides, she's only 6'0.

Well, she came to the mini-party, but I was busy with ot…

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Sunday(Resolution)

Note to the reader: This is the final chapter of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the two below first if you haven't already. It should also be noted that this story, while exciting for me, doesn't exactly have an "ending". Therefore, a major portion of this entry may or may not have actually happened.

Sunday I woke up and started to reflect upon the previous two days events. They had hit me like a whirlwind. Suddenly I had cute twins walking in and out of my apartment like they owned the place. It was like I was in an episode Friends. I was Chandler and Ruthie was Monica, and Rachel was... well... Monica. I hadn't made friends this fast with someone since third grade with James, but that may be attributed to the fact that he had a Nintendo, and my family was too poor to afford one. I felt like my life was a giant snow globe, and I had a girl on each side shaking the crap out of me, and I was thrilled.

"But how did this happen?" I wondered t…

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Saturday(Rising Action)

Note to the reader: This is part two of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the one below first if you haven't already. Like most 3 part stories, this one is kind of long and boring(Empire Strikes Back excluded). I promise to bring the punny a little more in part 3.On Saturday I woke up at around 7:50. I had assumed, incorrectly, that Geremy would call me when they were leaving to hike. Geremy had assumed, also incorrectly, that at a few months shy of 30 I was a big enough boy to set my alarm properly. I'm actually normally very punctual, but in this case I had been out until 3 or 4, and then spent the next two hours lying in my bed trying to sleep with a cheesy grin on my face giggling like a school girl(Read: Stressing over every detail of the previous night). I called Geremy and he told me they were almost to the mountain. At this point I panicked just a small bit. I was the contact for the twins, Allen, and indirectly a guy who lives in my building, and I was mor…

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Friday(Exposition)

Note to the reader: I had every intention of doing 2 or 3 posts for "reader participation week". So far that's been a bust, and I had such a crazy weekend that I'd like to commit as much as possible to the blog, so we'll either delay, or just skip the other posts. Since I'm constantly told that my entries are "too long" this weekend will be broken in to 3 posts to cover the 3 days.

On Thursday evening I ran in to my neighbor Maria and she told me she was having a little get together at her house late Friday night. I was planning on hiking with the people's early Saturday, so I had planned on stopping by, but not hanging out for long. Jesse from 2 years ago would have just been anti-social and not gone since I wouldn't know anyone who would be there, but today's Jesse has a commitment to being socialer.

On Friday I walked by one of my neighbor twins downstairs. I kept telling myself that if I bumped in to them I should invite them hiking w…

Cute Tax Girl from Floor 7

One morning last week, while walking from my car to the elevator at the office, I apparently paused to let a car go in front of me. I didn't commit this event to memory because there was nothing extraordinary about it at the time. The girl who then parked and got out of this car was a good 30 feet behind me, but I held the elevator for her because the parking garage elevators are quite slow.

"Wow, you let me go in front of you and held the elevator for me. That's really nice", she said as she got in the elevator.
"Well, I'm in no rush to get to work anyhow" came out of my mouth while "Holy crap you're a robo-babe! I love you" stayed locked safely in my head.

I kept talking to her during the elevator ride, and then as we walked in to the building. I told her where I work, and she told me where she works (7th floor doing taxes for Price Waterhouse Cooper.) We talked for a while, and it was probably the best conversation I've ever had with a…

Reader Participation: Pick My Poison

That's right, it's time for the fifth annual reader participation week here at Sesquipedalis. It's that time of year where the 2 to 3 loyal readers band together to give me a digital kick in the ass and help me create a moment in my life that will become the next story.

Do you want a funny story, a sad story, a depressing story? It's up to you the reader.

Here's how it works. First you read the story above about my new building crush Linda and then respond to this post with what you think I should do. If you've been paying attention to stories such as this one, you'll know that I'm socially retarded enough to take advice from two drunk girls. If that's the case then I'm more than willing to take advice from random people on the Internet.

"But I don't know how to leave a comment", your sad sad nontechnical brain is thinking right now. Normally I'd tell you to get the hell off of my blog, but it is reader participation week, so open…

Second base with Aunt Sharon

After hiking on Saturday I went home, rested up and then headed to Geremy's to get ready for the Halloween party. Geremy had called to inform me that he had made a few "special modifications" to his Robin costume, which was a bit of a cause for concern. I didn't pay it much attention though because I was still trying to figure out a way to avoid looking like I weighed 350 lbs. in my costume.

I arrived at G's place and went up stairs to find that he had removed the legs and arms from his costume. It actually looked pretty amusing. At this point, he was trying to figure out how to make his "Bat Bulge" look bigger. I threw my costume on and as I came out he tossed me a weird object to use for my bulge. It's hard to describe, but it was similar to a clear bean bag filled with a thick liquid. I inserted it(Outside the undies, inside the costume), and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but it was pretty comfortable.

"So what is this thing anyhow?&qu…

Tales from the Top: Week 2

Last Saturday we decided to hike Squaw Peak yet again. This time we wanted to be on the mountain by 7:30 since Harold had to be at work early. Geremy also enlisted two more girls, Heidi and Desireé, from his veritable cornucopia of girls that I have no chance with.

I got up, got ready, and then got a call from G telling me that Harold wasn't answering her phone, and that she was Heidi's ride to the mountain, so he wasn't sure what to do. We decided that I'd go pick her up and we'd meet at the mountain which seemed convenient enough. It was a bit of a trek out to her house estate, but it was a nice day so I took the top down and enjoyed the drive. She had woken up at 6:30 too, and it didn't seem fair to leave her out of the festivities just because Harold's lazy ass couldn't get out of bed.

Let's pause for a moment here, for reasons that will soon become apparent, to describe my "type". Most of my life I've thought that having a "typ…

Pay attention when ordering your costume online

About 5 years ago I had the idea to dress up as Batman and Robin with one of my bosses for a certain event. That's a long story, and one I'm sure I'll eventually commit to blogingdom. The joke behind it was that he (6'2ish, 250 lbs) would be Robin, and I (5'5, 130 at the time) would be Batman.

The idea fell through, but I always thought it was amusing. As Halloween approached this year I tossed the idea out to Geremy and since he liked it, we decided to do it. We wanted to make sure we had the older looking costumes as the point was to be as cheesy as possible. I searched online and found the perfect costumes. Unfortunately I must have made a mistake when ordering:

Last Friday they arrived in the mail and I put the chest on:


At this point I was fairly excited. I mean deep down inside every guy wants to be Batman, and the costume was looking pretty good. But then I put on the cape and cowl with patented "Fat Ass" technology.


More actual stories from the weeken…

Una Vez

24 Posts under my belt and I've somehow managed to not write about Erik, or one of his stories. This is a bit mind boggling considering the number of situations that he manages to get himself into.

Since some readers don't know Erik, I figure a proper introduction is in order. We met in 8th grade, but didn't really become friends until junior year in High School. He actually dated a girl I had a crush on, so I didn't have a lot of love for him at first, but we ended up in a programming class together, and the rest is history I guess. We bonded over BASIC programming, love of classic Nintendo, and our mutual failings with members of the opposite sex. The difference with Erik and I is that the ladies love him and he still can't score, but that's a story for another time. Erik's one of the funniest guys I know, but he's even dryer in his delivery than I am, and I think that's often times lost on people. He's a bit quirky too, and I think people don&…

Top 5: Things that rock about the upcoming month

Unfortunately it's been a somewhat slow week for me. With a boring week comes a boring blog entry. Sure I had a night where I hit on a lesbian, hung out with a Cardinals cheerleader, and saw two people making out who really had no business making out, but that night sort of had that "Been there done that" kind of feel, so I think it's time to mix it up a little.

This is the first and most likely last entry in a series we'll call "Top 5". Today's topic, the upcoming month, and why it rocks.

1. Thanksgiving -
I don't like turkey. I don't like cranberry sauce. In fact, 9 out of 10 traditional Thanksgiving day foods I'm not a huge fan of. The exception of course being stuffing. I'm sure someone will correct me here if I'm wrong, but I believe that Stuffing comes from the Navajo word Stuffay meaning quite literally "Fruit of the gods".

So what is it (aside from the stuffing) that rocks about Turkey day? It's a few things:

Fir…

Nerd Word(s): Keep Faith Alive

Keep Faith Alive
- statement

1. A sarcastic statement to someone who's feeling down on themselves.

2. Goodbye

3. A serious statement for someone who's had an unfortunate occurrence

[Origin: A saying I've used for a very long time, that got even more use once digital communication(IM, Email) became the norm. Originally stolen from Will Smith on Fresh Prince of Bel Air]

- synonyms
1. Keep Faith Alive... you are somebody, You are somebody

- usage
1. "I'm never going to find a girl, I'm such a loser"
"Keep faith alive, you are somebody"

2. "Later dude"
"Keep faith alive"

3. "Wow, your dog got hit by a car? That really sucks. Keep faith alive though"

Introducing the cast of Sesquipedalis

I've gone ahead and updated this old post to add some more people that had been left out. I've found it quite interesting that many people who are prominent figures in my life don't get blogged about. I guess that no drama = no entry, and while that may seem odd, the best days usually don't make for a good story.

My blogging mentor Mandi left a comment about my naming conventions and that reminded me that I probably need to explain who everyone in my stories is. For the longest time I've had a habit of giving people nicknames, and if there's one thing I can do, it's make a nickname that sticks. So without further ado, lets talk about who we've been talking about...

Miranda - Alias: Mory, Murray
My younger sister. If you've never met Mory, just imagine me with blond hair and boobs and you get the idea. While I got the smarts in the family, she got looks and social ability. She's the "fun" one in the family.

Josh - Alias: Joshua
My older brot…

Jesse climbs high...

This Saturday I went hiking with Geremy and a girl I had never met(I don't think) named Amy. With an Adam, an Ana, an Anna, two Angela's, and an Angela clone in my life the blogger's commission has informed me that my quota of A names is used up and therefore, for the duration of this blog Amy will be known as Harold.

Harold's a cute girl, all dressed up in pink, with those big sun glasses that make a girl look slightly like a fly that are so popular right now. Flys freak me out, so I'm not so in to the style, but I also wear a white T-shirt and jeans 6 days a week, so I don't expect to see Jesse's Views on Fashion on E! any time soon.

So Todd, Harold and I met at Squaw Peak and spent a good two hours hiking, resting, and joking around. I was surprisingly not too much of a spaz for having just met a cute girl. I have a few theories as to why this might be:

1a) The big sunglasses. The big sunglasses theory is centered around eye contact. With big sunglasses I c…

...and then hits a new low

When I got home from hiking I intended to immediately call my mother. As she's still recovering from her aneurysm we tend to make plans to hang out. For the past week she's been really excited about the new Robin Williams movie. She told me earlier this week that she wanted us to go see it on Friday afternoon.

For the past 6 years I've had a 9 to 5, Monday to Friday job. For some odd reason nobody seems to remember that though. I explained to my mom that Friday night or Saturday might work better. We ended up agreeing on Saturday.

So as I go to call mom I see that I have a missed call and a message. It turns out she's going out with my dad instead. After weeks of hearing, "Your father is driving me nuts", this guy steals my Saturday afternoon date.

I'm not even going to begin to comment on the thought process behind taking a woman who is currently going through physical therapy to increase her balance on a day long motorcycle ride through the country.

And now…

Nerd Word(s): How embarassing for you

How Embarassing for you
- statement

1. An overdramatic reaction to something that is in fact, not embarassing. The less embarassing the better.

[Origin: Me, Rose's 25th birthday party. While rolling to see which team would go first in a competitive game of video trivial pursuit, Anthony's 5 was shamed by Rose's 6. I loudly exclaimed, "Oh my god, how embarassing for you" and Anthony cried in the corner]

- syonyms
1. How embarassing for me

- usage
See Origin

Why are the elevators so slow around here?

Just a short one, but another great elevator moment brought to you by yours truly.

This morning while waiting for my car, a girl came down and was waiting for hers also. I believe her name was Kate, but don't hold me to that. As we waited, we chatted a little, and I guess I was too tired to say anything really stupid, or maybe I was just too tired to remember the dumb things I said. At any rate she told me that she was going to pick her friend up from the airport and then was off to work.

It just so happened that the exact same girl was coming home at the same time as I was, and we shared an elevator ride up.
"He's stalking me" she pointed out to her friend, "Just Kidding"
"No, I am... I'm really into you" I joked. "What floor you going to?" I asked as she had her hands full and I really like pressing the buttons.
"17"
"Wow, I'm impressed"(17 is the top floor)
"Oh, you're only on 11? I'm not sure I…

Nerd Word(s): I think I'm in Love

I think I'm in Love
- statement

1. A statement of minor attraction to a member of the opposite sex due to some trivial fact or occurence. The more trivial the better. Often said with a clutching of the chest near the heart.

[Origin: Erik, maybe]

- synonyms
1. I love you, Pienso que soy en amor, Te quiero mucho... baby.

- usage
"She likes Nintendo? I think I'm in love"
"She drives a Honda? I think I'm in love"
"She breathes Oxygen too? I think I'm in love"

I think I'm in love

Note to the reader: Since college I've had a habit of not making my point completely clear when I write. For my personal writing(Read: this blog) my mission is to take a mole hill of some small event and make a mountain out of it. Often times though, I believe the point gets buried under this newly assembled mountain. With that in mind, today's entry will be followed by a factual and hopefully non-ambiguous translation.

Early last week I heard a ruckus outside my door. Nobody lives on my end of the building... at least not on my floor, so I poked my head out to see what was going on. I was surprised to find that my neighbors across the hall were moving in. It was an older couple. By older I mean older than me(Roughly my parent's age?). The woman introduced herself and her husband as Helen and Steve (Respectively, but if you were too slow to figure that out, I'd rather you just quit reading right now). At least I believe those were the names she gave me. I'm not good…

Elucidation

I've been told by numerous people, "I tried to read your blog, but it's really long." While my gut instinct is to respond with, "You should try not moving your lips when you read it, it makes it go faster." I figure maybe I should give shorter entries a try. With that in mind, today we have three smaller stories, and instead of jumbling them all together and making an overly verbose entry, I'll leave them as three smaller tales that are overly verbose.

First, let's take a step back and explain the blog, the point, and the name.

Originally the point was to kind of chronicle my mostly uninteresting stories concerning the aftermath of my relationship with Stacey. We had dated for 6 years, and then I suddenly found myself unwillingly thrust back in to the single world. It's a world I was never familiar with in the first place, so to find myself faced with it in my late 20's has been less than optimal. I'm not much for dating, or social s…

Dénouement

I wrote a while back about a girl named Iliana who I had thought lived and worked in the same buildings as I do. I didn't think I could have possibly screwed that one up more than I did, but it turns out I was wrong. One of the doormen at the Landmark(Allen) stumbled across my blog, and he recently sent me a message informing me that I had spelled her name incorrectly, which means the girl I stalked found on myspace was the wrong girl.

Even more embarrassing for me is the story that I've left out about me messaging her. Oh well, you win some you lose some right? The important part is that we can now call that mystery solved, and case closed.

In another update... Last night I found out that the day that my mom tried to set Angela and I up, my mom introduced Anna(My brother's fiancé) as "My son's girlfriend". A better choice of words may have been, "My son Josh's girlfriend", because Angela thought that Anna was my girlfriend. In other words my mom …

Anagnorisis

Last night I met Stacy, Mike, and Angela at Fox and Hound for a going away of sorts for Angela. She's gotten a new job, and moves on in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if I had too many Sprite's, or if Geremy's training is starting to take hold, but I was quite mean. I interrupted her mid-sentence with such brilliant and sensitive things as, "Here, play with this shiny shiny spoon, and let the grown ups talk" and, "Time out, time out... you can keep talking, but we all stopped paying attention a half an hour ago"

Geremy, and a few friends showed up half way through my verbal onslaught and sat somewhat in awe as I incessantly took it to the poor girl. Geremy sat in the corner like Yoda watching over Luke as he attempted to raise the X-Wing from the swamp, for a moment proud that his student was finally taking hold of his lessons. But much like Luke I'm actually a complete wus(More on that later).

At any rate, the more I made fun of Angela, the more…

DJ Jazzy Jesse

When gmail was introduced, like a good little nerd I ran out and secured my name@gmail.com and promptly forgot about it. I use a yahoo address that I've had forever, and didn't really have a need for another, but I figured I should take it before someone else did.

A recent search for online word processing turned up http://www.writely.com/(which I love). It just so happens that writely is owned now by google, and as such uses the same log on. When I got there I thought, "Oh yeah, I have a gmail address". After playing around with it I decided to log on and clear out a few years worth of spam that I was sure to have collected. I was hoping for something that could make my erections last longer, make me the ultimate lover or at the very least get me my medication at a discounted rate, but I was surprised instead to find numerous emails from someone named Kim.

Kim sent me a lot of emails, containing a lot of personal information, about weddings that I was supposed to be D…

Tuesdays with Todd°

Note to the reader:Many of my blog entries contain inside jokes, or references to things that any common passerby would most likely not "get". With that in mind I've decided to explain as much of this entry as possible and in that way invite you, the reader, to break the fourth wall and join in on the fun. For the duration of this entry, whenever you see this symbol: °, feel free to find the attached note at the bottom of the page and join in on the fun. I'll leave the matching of the note to the section it pertains to as an exercise for the reader. Still confused? Alright, I'll give you an example. The title of this entry is Tuesdays with Todd°. The ° lets you know that there's additional information. When you look at the bottom you get to find out who Todd really is. Its that easy, and fun too! So, without further ado, lets continue on with today's story...

My sister has a friend named Geremy. She's known him since high school, and while I knew of hi…

Third times a charm?

By March of 2005 I had done more stupid things and said more stupid things to Ana than I care to admit. After the chocolate incident I had mostly given up and was content to have an uneasy smile and an awkward "hello" at passing. I figured the semester would end soon, and with it my crush on the cute Chilean girl.

After class I would sometimes sit out on my bench finishing up homework in to the wee hours of the night. On one particular evening I was surprised to see Ana walk by. She seemed kind of out of sorts. As she passed by I asked, "How's it going?" expecting the normal, "Fine". She was on her way out of the building with her hand on the door when she stopped, turned to me and said, "Its better now, I think." When you've struck out with a girl as many times as I had with her you reconsider any kind of personal inquiry before you let it come out of your mouth, but by this time I figured I had nothing to lose, and she did seem upset.

&q…