Monday, November 20, 2006

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Sunday(Resolution)

Note to the reader: This is the final chapter of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the two below first if you haven't already. It should also be noted that this story, while exciting for me, doesn't exactly have an "ending". Therefore, a major portion of this entry may or may not have actually happened.

Sunday I woke up and started to reflect upon the previous two days events. They had hit me like a whirlwind. Suddenly I had cute twins walking in and out of my apartment like they owned the place. It was like I was in an episode Friends. I was Chandler and Ruthie was Monica, and Rachel was... well... Monica. I hadn't made friends this fast with someone since third grade with James, but that may be attributed to the fact that he had a Nintendo, and my family was too poor to afford one. I felt like my life was a giant snow globe, and I had a girl on each side shaking the crap out of me, and I was thrilled.

"But how did this happen?" I wondered to myself. "How did I get from working up the nerve to knock on their door to feeling like I had two new best friends?"

I went looking for answers, and trained my sights on faith first. I decided to seek out the advice of a local Rabbi for help, and hopefully some insight in to the girl's religion.

For the following conversation, the part of the Rabbi should be read with Mel Brook's voice in mind. Why you ask? Because: 1) I'm making this up. 2) I just watched Spaceballs and Mel sorta cracks me up.

"I understand you had some questions concerning Judaism." he asked as he motioned for me to sit.
"Well, here's the deal... I'm starting to wonder if I accidentally married my neighbor in some ancient Jewish ceremony that I didn't understand."
He laughed at my ignorance for a moment then reassured me, "It doesn't work like that. Jewish weddings aren't that different. I'm sure you would have known had you taken part in one."
"It's just so weird, because one night I go to the five and diner with them, and the next thing..."
"Woah, wait... five and diner? Did one of them order a hot water?"
"YES! I thought that was weird. Who does that?"
"Well, that's a tradition from the old times, most people have forgotten it. Technically speaking, by letting her order the hot water you've agreed to take her as your wife."
"Wait... I was just making a joke dude... A little ice breaker. We're married?"
"Technically speaking, yes"
"You know... I always thought I'd marry a girl who had a big ass and wasn't fun. This is awesome."

He nodded in approval and proceeded to answer a few more questions. I shook his hand, thanked him and was about to leave when it hit me.
"You wouldn't happen to know which one it was that I married would you?"

After that I visited my mom, and then went to a bar to watch the game with my sister and her people.

"They seem really nice, but I think that Ruth might be a little bossy" Geremy told my sister.
"Oh, then she is perfect for Jesse. You'd better lock that up. You should have brought them today" she said.
"I'm pretty sure they had stuff to do, and I'd assume by now they've had enough Jesse time for the weekend" I informed her.

As if in answer my statement that they were tired of me, a few minutes later my phone buzzed and I picked it up to find a text message from Ruth inviting me to a concert on Tuesday.

I got home later in the night and pulled in at the same time as the twins did. They told me they were having a small get together at their house and that I should come by. I met their friend Mike, who was cool, and seemed to be a slight computer nerd too, and their other friend Kendall. Kendall is a tall, beautiful, ex-model. I had overheard in conversation earlier that you had to be 6'3 or taller to ride that ride so I immediately wrote her off. Short guys need love too. (More on that in a later blog)

I was doing laundry while they were making food. I returned from my white T-Shirt folding to find Ruth laying in an odd spot on the floor. This is nothing out of the ordinary, but the fact that she was in pain was out of the ordinary. Apparently, while I was out, she had had a slight accident with a cookie sheet and burned her stomach. It's my belief, and I'm sure the reader will agree with me here, that the burning of the stomach was just a ploy for my attention. Her gamble paid off, and despite her protests, I took her to the Walgreen's to get some burn ointment. As we walked out she said, "You want to help me put it on?" and lifted up her shirt a little to reveal the burn on her lower stomach. At that point I fainted. She put me in my car and drove us home.

The twins had told me earlier that on "school nights" they had to be in bed by 11, so as soon as the clock struck 11 I pushed everyone out of their condo and went home myself. As I got ready for bed I went to use the restroom, and for the first time in almost a year of living there I closed the bathroom door. You never know when somebody is going to come barging in these days.


  1. I gotta tell you that Brad and I were laughing our heads off down here in the lobby. Congratulations by the way, I'm sorry I missed your wedding!

  2. Loved it. The whole three-part shabang.