Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Nerd Games: The Free Flowers (Year 2)

Given that it's now almost February, the chances of me having a Valentine reside statistically in the "Not Probable" range.  I believe I've given or sent flowers for at least 7 or 8 years running now, and it seems a shame to let the streak end.

Given that, and my motto that every girl deserves flowers on Valentine's, I've decided to open up the free flowers competition again.  The rules are the same as last year.  
1. Nominate someone to get flowers. Write a reason/explanation, or don't.  I don't care. A good reason helps your chances though.

2. I'll pick a winner and pay for and send flowers. I'll also write a very crappy poem which you can help with if you'd like.

3. Contest ends on the 9th.
*I reserve the right to half ass it like I did last year if I get a slight case of death again.

Here are some sample entries that I just made up to get you started:
I think you should send flowers to my wife, because her husband is a jerk.

A dozen roses to Ruthie that read:
Dear Ruthie,
Please move back to 11-L so that Jesse has something to write about.
Love, Sesquipedalis Readers

Send flowers to Leyda with a card that reads, "Happy Valentine's - James Franco"

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Par for the Course: Part 2

Last Thursday I found myself in need of a quick lunch. The other nerds let me know that they were going to "Blue Fin", a semi-well known downtown Japanese Restaurant. My problem with Blue Fin is that it has the worst chicken I've eaten in my life. On the up side, there are no stray cats in the area.

Given my dislike of the BF, I grabbed the iPod and headed off to ZPizza. It was, after all, Italian pizza day, and I love the Italian pizza(Without tomatoes).

As I stepped in I noticed the cute girl was behind the counter, which usually causes me to over think the next few moments, and how they will play out. Before I had time to think of something witty stupid to say she jumped a bit, threw her arm behind her head and did a slight ants-in-the-pants kind of dance. Or maybe it was a jig. I'm not sure.

At 31 years of age, there's not a lot that surprises me, but this definitely did. Combined with my complete fear of women I stood for a moment, perplexed.


About 30 seconds later I realized my head was now rotating itself slightly to the left, much like a puppy that stares at you and obviously doesn't understand.


"That was the weirdest thing," She finally took the lead, "A bobby pin just fell out of my hair and down the back of my shirt."

Well that makes some sense.

"Oh..." I responded, "I just thought you were excited that I was here"

And nothing. No chuckle. No laugh. Nothing of the courtesy variety. Nothing from the pity family. Just nothing.

The best part was I had yet to place my order.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Nerd Word(s): E-Flirting UPDATE!

A while back I wrote a Nerd Word(s) entry for "E-Flirting" and used some pretty piss poor examples.  I mean really, one of you should have punched me in the gut and let me know that that sort of D- effort wasn't okay. A real friend would have.

Today I have a better example.  Click for the full image:


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The Double No-No

Meeting girls is a bit tough for me. I approach women with the eloquence and articulation of (soon-to-be-ex) President Bush giving a speech on nuclear power. Sure, I get the basic idea across, but in the end I just end up looking like an idiot.

One of my (many) issues in the dating scene is that I approach all new relationships as a potential friend. Despite evidence to the contrary in this blog, it takes me a while to actually form a real desire for someone, and I tend to keep it on the level longer than the average guy.

This can be quite off putting for the women of my age who have spent the past decade and a half fighting off drunken party boys like Aragorn to Orcs at the Battle of Helm's deep.

With that in mind I put up a profile on a "Social Networking" website. I'm somewhat wittier when taken in digital form, and it's more or less impossible to take an online relationship at the wrong pace.

About a month ago I exchanged a few emails online with a girl named Maureen. She was a super cute girl who seemed smart, age appropriate, and above all else pleasant. And that was the issue. There was no real spark.

Maureen seemed very much to be looking for a significant other where I was looking for a friend, possibly a hiking buddy, and maybe somewhere down the road something more. While my daily thought process usually doesn't extend past lunch, I have a feeling that she was the girl who had most of her wedding already planned. You know that girl. She already owns the dress and has yet to get the ring. In some rare cases she's already picked out a school for the kids. By the way, you're having two. Their names are Addison and Fuller.

Her insistence on being serious made the conversation difficult - getting off the island in Lost difficult. The emails consisted of her asking "deal breaker" type questions and me responding with jokes and smart ass comments.
I gotta ask up front what you have against divorced guys. Bad experience in the past? Is it a blanket rule? I myself have never been married. I'm just curious why the strict rules. Seems like you might have a hard time finding a guy who's never married, no kids, and doesn't drink a little on a regular basis.

That being said, I'm a 31 year old guy who's never been married, doesn't have kids, and I've actually never even been drunk before in my life. Most people who meet me think I must be Mormon or super religious since I'm a bit on the straight and narrow on those sorts of things (if you catch my meaning). I'm not though. I'm Agnostic.

Soon enough she asked if I'd like to meet, and as she seemed mostly harmless, I agreed to meet her at the Starbuck's at the local out door mall. I arrived promptly at the arranged time to find the the Starbuck's both closed and deserted.

My nerdy side was beaming as I whipped out the phone and Google reported another Starbuck's a solid 150 feet to the East.

Karma is getting you for that Lewis Black article.

I arrived at the second Starbuck's five minutes later to find it... both closed and deserted. I waited another 20 minutes before calling it a loss and heading home. I had given Maureen my phone number, but as she had not reciprocated, I was out of options.

I had been stood up.

The phone chirped with an email from Maureen as I was on my way home. She had forgotten my number at home, but was still in the area. A phone call and 10 minutes later we met at the gelato place down the street. She was slightly looser in real life than the emails had been, but the conversation was still overly formal and therefore quite difficult - Solomon's Key difficult.

We parted ways an hour later, and I left realizing that the evening had not gone well. For good measure, the next day I sent an email offering to take her hiking or some other activity. It was my hope that maybe something a little more active would loosen the tension, but her reply read simply:

You're a really nice guy, but not the one for me.

I had been stood up and shut down by the same girl.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Nerd Word(s): The No-No

The No-No
- noun

1. A denial or shutdown

[ Origin: While I'm sure the saying is common in sports vernacular, it was brought to my lexicon by Erik]

- usage
1. "Manu Ginobili went up for the shot, but Amare gave him the no-no and knocked it 6 rows in to the crowd."
2. "I finally beat Bowser on world 4-4, but instead of the princess, all I got was the no-no"

- disambiguation
Not to be confused with the no-no naughty-spot.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Postpartum: Part 1

So, I decided to try something a little different.  

"I have one of your old stories from high school" my good friend Laura said to me a few months back.  

My what?

"It's something called the Gumshoe Detective.  It's funny"

Oh, that.

I had all but forgotten.  I had written a few comical type short stories in school and given them to my friends.  I couldn't bring myself to read it now.  I can't imagine what 15 year old Jesse thought was amusing.  In retrospect, it was probably more mature and well written than what 31 year old Jesse writes.

Three years ago I wrote a long and drawn out email to a friend about my mom introducing me to a girl who turned out to be a lesbian.  I thought the story was sort of amusing so I posted it where some friends could read, and then to my myspace account.

At the time I was badgering two of my best friends(Rose and Adam) to each start a blog.  I find them both extremely amusing, and writing just wasn't my thing.  When they wouldn't get on board, I finally decided to do it myself.

Two and a half years later I've got 169 entries in a blog that's changed a lot, but at the same time stayed mostly the same.  Over the years I've come a long way in my writing ability, but I'm still a long ways from anything resembling "presentable".

When I think about it, it all goes back to that cheesy story I wrote half a lifetime ago.  Mostly real, with a bit of a drama.  Too much inner monologue.  Too many bad similes.  Lots and lots of bad jokes.

After having written out a story about my mom and my umbrella, I decided it needed a little "something more" and decided to go back to my roots.  Surprisingly, that relatively short entry became three bloated entries with very little content.  In a way it seemed fitting.  

Part 2 also had the worst joke I think I've ever written.  Bonus points to those who found it.

Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me over the year(s).  Hopefully I'll think of something exciting to write about soon.

In the meantime I recommend you check out the following blogs from people who are far more talented than I am -
1.  Low Life Bastard - Larry hasn't written in a while, but if you haven't read through the archives, you're really missing out.  Stop by and tell him to get his ass back on the blog.

2.  Extensive Vamping - The "day to day" blog from Stefi, the writer of Bores and Whores.  She has a dryness and sarcasm that often leaves me questioning which part of the joke is funny, and which part of the joke is actually on me.

3.  Chicago Jo - One of my latest blog crushes.  Despite evidence to the contrary, I'm convinced that Jo is a 45 year old bald fat man wearing a cheeto stained wife beater surfing the Internet and up to no good.