Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Rant of the day: Fast Franks

I'm going to veer off topic for a moment and do the typical blog thing and rant for a minute. I went shopping for groceries today. It's no secret that I don't cook, and as such my basket is normally filled with such healthy items as frozen pizzas, ham, bread, and cheese.

Whenever I eat at home, I do so for convenience, although the monetary savings are a delightful side bonus. The only meal that I cook due to a particular desire for said meal is an old recipe handed down through the ages by my people. When I say "my people" I of course mean rednecks from Arkansas, and when I say "old recipe" I mean Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with cut up hot dogs. Occasionally, if I'm feeling a bit frisky, I'll vary the recipe and go with Spiral Macaroni instead of the traditional sort, but that's about as creative as I get in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure that Macaroni comes from the Italian word meaning quite literally "Fruit of the Gods", but that's all neither here nor there.

Back to the point. I'm sure there's one around here somewhere... ah yes, I eat at home for convenience. As lazy as I am with my lunchables, and frozen pizzas, even I'm not this lazy:

Do you see what they've done for you here? They've gone ahead and pre-assembled the hot dog for you. Just in case you've forgotten the recipe I've decided to write it down for you here:

1 Wiener
1 Bun

1. Heat Wiener
2. Insert Wiener into bun
Essentially, what they've done is save you up to 3 seconds of your time by going ahead and taking care of #2 for you.

From the press release:
By leveraging proprietary dough technology, Oscar Mayer Fast Franks have made hot dogs easier to enjoy than ever before.
Are you kidding me? "Proprietary dough technology"? Really? Really!? Come on Oscar, don't piss down my shorts and tell me it's raining.

More wonderful insight from an article titled: Oscar Mayer Unveils Innovative New Product.

Thirty-five seconds is all it takes now to prepare a hot dog.
How long were people taking before? Was this in response to a flood of letters from concerned parents that read:

Dear Oscar Meyer,

I love your delicious hot dogs, but I just wish they didn't
take so long to prepare. Is there anything you can do for

Wiener Lover in Wisconsin.

At any rate, I picked up 3 packages of them. I'll do a review later to tell you how they taste.

Be honest, how many of you laughed at the directions above due to the cheesy sexual double entendre?


  1. Of course I laughed.

    I'm glad to see someone your age still eats Lunchables. They are delicious at any stage in life.

  2. Spiral mac and cheese tastes way better because the spirals hold the cheese on. It slips right off the other kind.

  3. I thought it funny that you picked up - three, tres, trois, tatu, три, tre, drie, packages for your taste test.

  4. I'm glad to see someone your age still eats Lunchables.
    Turning thirty earlier this month didn't hurt that much. That just did though, thanks.

    Spiral mac and cheese tastes way better because the spirals hold the cheese on.
    The spirals were a mini shout out just for you.

    Sadly, I didn't actually buy any, but I almost feel compelled to do so now. What if there's some portion of it that is actually genius that I've overlooked?

  5. I've taken to getting a series of products at my store that really helps to cut down on the entire time taken to eat a meal. It's the new line of pre-chewed products by BachlorChowTM. I find them to be delicious and also really quick.

  6. I have to try those FastFranks! What exactly is this "proprietory dough technology?" Is the dough already cooked or does it cook when you put it in the microwave? This is really tripping me out...I think I'll go to the store and buy some right now. Oh, wait, it's 2:03 am and I'm sitting at the Landmark front desk. I guess it'll have to wait!

  7. Dude, hows it hanging??

    How come none of my expressions make it to nerd words?

  8. I can't find fast franks in the local stores?What's going on

  9. Anonymous,

    I'm not exactly a sales representative, so I have no idea.

    Maybe they discontinued them? I wrote this two and a half years ago.

  10. I hate to say this but Yes Oscar Mayer has discontinued making these. Why you may ask ? Well I got it straight from Oscar Mayer themselves. Their main distributor who was Walmart no longer wanted them and so they took them out of production in late May and have been selling off of their stock. I go to their outlet store which is at the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison,Wis. My mom just loved them and now no more. FYI- they also made the squeezable cheese whiz -same reason Walmart. It is just odd how a large food chain can manipulate another company as large as Oscar Mayer !!!

  11. Thanks for the info discboy. I've been wondering why I couldn't find these anymore. In my neck of the woods, Wal-Mart barely kept Fast Franks in stock and always priced them outrageously so I'm not surprised they didn't want to carry them anymore. I'm really starting to hate Wal-Mart.

  12. Ah, the mystery of the disappearing Fast Franks finally solved for this mom. Yeah, they were overpriced & overpackaged, but it was a hot snack that I'd trust my 10 yo son to actually cook in the microwave.

  13. You obviously don't get "it".

    First of ALL!

    The hotdog and bun are separately packaged, in order to preserve freshness
    the propreitary bread technology makes the bun taste like its fresh from the bakery.

    This product saves a lot of time by avoiding complicated things such as boiling water.I miss it, as I think they've discontinued it now :(