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Showing posts from July, 2009

A Thousand Days in the Making

Part 1: My New Blog Buddy

Day 1 (October 10th, 2006) -

After a few weeks of working my nerdy little ass off, I had finished a very major project at work in the eleventh hour. This project had kept me at my desk until midnight more often than not, and I found myself suddenly relaxed and free of stress. On this particular day, the clock struck three and I was done. I had given the company my time, and while it was best that I stay till five, all work stopped and my attention drifted to my new writing project.

It occurred to me that I hadn't actually read other blogs. It was time to look out and see what the rest of the world was writing about, and to do that I started clicking the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page.

I was more disappointed than the guy who financed The Adventures of Pluto Nash. I constantly joke about being a bad writer, but the average blog makes me look like William Shakespeare.

Spanish Blog - Next Blog
Picture Blog - Next Blog
Spanish Blog - Next Blog

A Thousand Days in the Making

The Prologue

The plan was to write this entry later on, but since it ties well in to my last one, and I find it interesting, I've decided to push some other ones back.

Time wise this story takes place over a 1000 day period of time. Yes, I did the math, and that's accurate give or take about 5 days. A few of the emails that had the exact dates are gone because myspace is lame. If you're involved in this story, and can correct me, feel free.

Since this story is rather lengthy, and completely related to the blog itself, I decided to start with a little history of Sesquipedalis and how it came to be. I hope you enjoy it.

One of the very best parts about writing an autobiographical story blog is to see the butterfly effect in motion, and how the smallest things in your past affect your present. You get to see snapshots in time of your life, emotions and opinions. You get to see how those things change with the gift of hindsight. In this particular story, the part of the butterfly is…


I apologize that this post is a little serious and self serving. I allow myself one every now and again, hopefully you will too. I promise, we'll get back to stories of me being an idiot soon enough.

Three years ago Saturday, I posted a poorly written story on my myspace blog about my mother trying to set me up with a lesbian. Somehow that story snowballed, and while the myspace profile is all but abandoned, I've now published over 200 stories that mostly deal with me striking out with women. At least that's what it is on the surface. Behind the scenes, at least for me, the blog is a little bit of therapy. It's a lesson in not taking myself too seriously. It's a chance to be creative for someone who's completely uncreative. Most importantly, it's a reminder that life is fantastic.

I actually kept a private journal for about a year's time. That was 6 or 7 years ago. I keep it around as a remind of just how lame I truly can be, but I haven't…

When a Celebrity Asks if you Want a Picture, You Say Yes

My #1 Pretend Girlfriend Sarah sent me a text this afternoon asking if I wanted to go to the Improv tonight. My schedule was relatively free, and a quick check of the calendar showed that Iliza Shlesinger was headlining. I don't remember watching much of the last season of Last Comic Standing, but I do remember Iliza from the show.

A quick Google search revealed that she was actually the winner.

Good for her. I remember her being funny.

Tickets were purchased, and a few hours later Sarah and I found ourselves waiting in line to enter. As we approached the door, Iliza walked by.

"There's your girlfriend" Sarah said, slightly snickering.

"Huh? Oh." I turned and saw the comedian coming up the steps.

"She's kind of tiny." Sarah pointed out, "You're so in love with her."

Sarah was probably right. Short, cute, energetic, and funny? If that sounds familiar, you've either been reading my dream journal, or you peeked at last year…

Elevator Humor.... part 3?

This evening I had a pretend girlfriend date with my friend Sarah. We hit up the CPK, did a little shopping, grabbed some fro-yo, and watched a little Tivo back at my place. It was a solid evening, and at the end of the night we found ourselves in my elevator heading towards the parking lot.

Sarah and I regularly trade long winded stories, and on this particular evening I had interrupted her a few times. As we descended in the elevator she pretended to be upset with me.

"You never let me finish!"

At this point the elevator reached the first floor and the doors began to open. Sarah and I had been play fighting all night, and we know each other well enough to take things a bit far at times.

"I don't care if the ladies finish. It's all about me. That's my move," I responded.

As the last word came out of my mouth I exited the elevator and noticed a blond girl standing to the left waiting to get on. I believe it was the Cardinal's cheerleader that I&…

My Recent Trip to Court

We're going to completely shift gears for a second and I'm going to post something completely serious about my recent jury duty. I wrote this out for someone else, but I've decided to post it for now. It's by no means polished or amusing. I may edit it as I see fit, or remove it all together.

I had to serve on a jury this week. A lot of people seem to be interested in the case and how it turned out. It's odd how something this serious can affect you emotionally for a few days. It's the same feeling I had when my work was raided by ICE and the ATF a few years back (for those who know that story). Maybe it only affects me in this way because being completely serious for two days straight is almost impossible for me.

The Prosecution story started off like this:

Back in 2006 an officer sees a car driving around 9 at night with its headlights off, doing about 10 miles an hour as it approaches a light. At the last minute it jerks suddenly in to the left hand …