Monday, April 30, 2007

Ballers Use Tide, not the Tide Pen

Note to the reader: I'm a bit sick today, so I'm sure the following lacks that solid C+ effort that readers have come to expect from Sesquipedalis, but at the moment I don't think I care. I might come back and fix it up sometime, but between you and me I don't see it happening.

My office is in one of the high rises downtown which is filled with lawyers, tax accountants, advertisers, and other "important" people who are usually dressed in a tie and jacket with a bluetooth headset and look that says, "I've got somewhere to be". The lobby is full of people hustling and bustling, and that "time is money" attitude. Of course this is all a stark contrast from the fifteenth floor upon which I reside from 8:30 till 5:30 every day.

Sure we have deadlines, and probably more bluetooth accessories than the rest of the building combined, but it's not like we need the ear piece. We're a bunch of nerdy software developers. Nobody is calling except for maybe mom to "check in on her little boy". We've got a pretty laid back attitude around the place, and it helps to create a nice work atmosphere.

One of the best perks of working where I do is that there isn't really a dress code, which means that nine times out of ten I show up to work in a plain white T-shirt and jeans. It's simple, it's basic, but it's me. We get a lot of stares and looks when we get in the elevator, but most of us are used to the "you don't belong" look that we've seen since before high school. In fact, most of my people have long since either embraced it, or become completely oblivious.

On Friday Sean and I went to lunch at a little Mexican place in downtown Phoenix, and being dexterous eater that I am I spilled enchilada sauce on my T-shirt. For some reason it was actually a little embarrassing(As if the way I'm normally dressed isn't embarrassing).

"Oh, here, I can fix that for you baller" Sean said later in the day as he picked up an orange dry-erase marker from my white board and removed the cap. He pointed the tip towards me as he approached.

"Woah..." I protested for a moment, only to relent moments later with a shrug of the shoulders. "Screw it, it's Friday, what've you got?"

We all had a good laugh as I ran around the office looking as though I had misplaced my helmet, but then it hit me, "I've still got to leave the office." I was positive that I'd run in to Linda or some other girl on my way down, but luckily the only person was the security guard, and she actually told me she thought it was cool.

I actually ended up wearing the shirt most of the day, and to Sean's credit, nobody noticed the stain.

Feel free to read more on Sean's very own Blarrg:

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

More Elevator Humor...

Yesterday was a big day for me... I had two tickets to the Sun's playoff game against the Lakers. Sean N had two tickets also. In the past year, I have watched him grow from fan to super fan. He came in to the office wearing his new Barbosa jersey and started getting me psyched for the game.

By lunch time he was in a frenzy, so we made a trip to the mall for corn dog nuggets and to pick me up a Nash jersey to wear to the game. While we were there, we stopped by the photo booth and took some couple's photos that I think turned out rather nicely. All in all I'd say it was the quintessential trip to the mall.

I tried to get some inside information out of Sean about Nash. Since Sean is also a Canadian I assumed he knew him from the meetings or something, but he was too busy drawing hearts around Leandro Barbosa pictures to respond.

Eventually it was time to go meet Mory for dinner(She was my date for the game), so I packed up and headed out. As I left, there was a woman in the elevator who asked if I was going to the game(I was wearing a Nash jersey and talking to a coworker about the game, so it was probably pretty obvious).

"Yeah, I'm excited. Should be a good game"
"I'm going too"
At this point I feigned excitement and responded, "Maybe I'll see you there!!! I'll be the one in the Nash jersey"

I thought it was a somewhat funny joke since:
A) I had just said I was going to the game, and was wearing the jersey.
B) 85% of the people in the crowd would have on the same outfit that I did.

Apparently I was wrong because she looked at me like I had just been dropped off by the short bus. The small talk continued for a moment, but she quickly took off after the doors opened.

On the bright side, the Suns crushed the Lakers.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

This is not the post you were looking for...

Edit: Added #4

I've been busy with life, work, and most importantly the 2007 playoffs starting again, and as such the blog is falling a tad behind. With that in mind I give you the second edition of, "Things you should be reading right now instead of this"

1. My main man Erik, star of such amazing stories as Why Erik and Jesse don't get Invited to Weddings Anymore and Una Vez has recently set off to Brazil in pursuit of happiness and adventure. I personally believe that he thinks that his chances are better with girls that don't speak the same language that he does, but that's beside the point. He's started a blog which can be found here:

If he doesn't keep up with it, feel free to email him and harass him as much as possible.

2. Most likely inspired by the awesomeness that is my blog, Rose has decided to post some entries from her "Guerrilla Blog". The assumption is that she'll start adding new entries, but one can never be too sure when it comes to Rose.

3. Last but not least I'd like to direct your attention to a blog that I stumbled upon via "How I met Your Mother" written by a girl named Stefi. It's a solid blog, and has content dating a ways back.

4. A few weeks ago I met Ruth and Rachel's friend Bridget who pointed me to her friend Rori's blog. I normally wouldn't pay it much attention, but it's a blog about one of my favorite subjects; it's a blog about food. Specifically, chain restaurants. Once Bridget(AKA Princess Lovey Dovey) told me that Rori had a tendency to give people odd nicknames, I promptly confessed undying love. So, if you're looking for reviews of chain restaurants, or just want to read my future wife's writing, check it out.

Stay tuned for more stories involving me .

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Rant of the Day: Twins

One of the more interesting things about knowing a set of cute twins is everyone else's reaction to them. I've probably had the following conversation or one quite similar to it more times than I could count using only my own digits.

"So what do your neighbors do?", asks random nerd #1
"Oh, they both work for Dillards"
"Wait, they work together and live together?"
"Yeah, they pretty much do everything together"
"... everything? Dude... everything?"

At this point I'm normally subjected to either a nudge and wink, or a glorious "high five". Sometimes I'll play stupid just to see how long it will go for.

"Yeah, most everything. They went to school together... and... let me see..."
"But dude. Twins... that's like the ultimate fantasy"

It should be noted that 9 out of 10 of these conversations are had with guys that are just as "female interaction challenged" as I am or worse. After a while I normally decide to end the conversation.

"First of all...You took your cousin to the prom. What makes you think you could handle twins? You haven't gotten to second base with a girl in sixth months... and you're married. Second of all, you couldn't deal with either one of these girls individually let alone both at the same time. They're all energetic and all over the place. A "busy" day for you is 3 hours of Wii and pizza delivery. 2 hours of just trying to talk to Ruthie and you'd be crying in the corner, and Rachel... well, Rachel could probably get you there in half that time."

"Yeah... but... dude... twins. I'm just saying"

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Nerd Word(s): I saw that on pop up video

I saw that on pop up video
- support statement

1. A made up support statement used to help prove something that in fact is a lie.

[ Origin: In 1998 I was hanging out with some friends when we had the following conversation:

Rose: I know 3 drummers named Josh what's with

Adam: Actually, 67% of all drummers are
named Josh.

Jesse: Oh, did you see that pop up
video too?

Rose: Oh

At this point everyone just nodded in acceptance ]

- synonyms
Note: This Nerd Phrase is unique in that it evolves with time like a species unto itself.
1. (2001) I read on the internet...

2. (2004) I was listening to NPR and...

3. (2006) Oh yeah, I read that on wikipedia...

4. (2007) Jon Stewart made some vague reference the other night to the fact that...

Monday, April 09, 2007

Vegas: 2003

I have been asked by many people when I was going to tell the Vegas story. I have, as of yet, put it off since it was such an epic event that I don't feel I could do it justice in the blog. I do, however, feel that it is something I need to do, and as such I feel it necessary to blog about all 3 of my trips to Vegas. Just to break with tradition, I'm going to go ahead and blog them in chronological order. It also makes sense since they, at least in my mind, get progressively more exciting.

In 6 years of dating Stacey, I don't think I ever really figured out how to make her happy. I put forth a minimum effort towards that goal to be sure, but it wasn't something that I ever felt I excelled greatly at. If you asked her, she'd tell you, "You make yourself happy, other people can't do that for you."

With that in mind, the one thing that I knew she liked to do was go on vacations. Throughout her childhood she would go on vacation every summer to places like Costa Rica, Hawaii, etc. My family in contrast normally went to Arkansas once a year to see family. Maybe it was the lack of exciting trips, or the fact that I spent my early childhood in Germany, but spending money to go somewhere else just never seemed that thrilling to me, but I knew it was something she enjoyed.

Since I had never been on a vacation in my adult life, and I had never been on a vacation with my girlfriend of 5 years I decided to surprise her with a trip to Disneyland for Spring Break. We had been living together for about 8 months, and while it was going okay, that combined with a difficult first year of Grad school for her had made for some stressful moments.

I searched online for tickets, hotel accomodations, etc, and just before booking the trip I decided to consult her and make sure the times worked out. She had an uneasy look about her as I told her my plans, which contrasted the big smile I had hoped to see. She delicately explained that she worked with kids all day, and she wasn't sure if going to Disneyland would be much of a vacation. She suggested Vegas, and while "Sin City" doesn't have a lot of appeal for a guy who doesn't drink, smoke, gamble, party, etc... I decided with a little effort I could find something exciting to do. Besides, the whole point was to do something for her.

I went back to the drawing board, and by going during the week I was able to afford a suite in the Luxor overlooking the strip along with tickets to Jubilee! and Blue Man Group the following night. Jubilee! was a classic Vegas type show which Stacey wanted to go see(She was a dancer), and the nerd in me had always wanted to see the Blue Man Group.

The good news is that Stacey was right. Vegas was something I had never experienced, so I was happy to spend my first trip there with her. It also set the stage for progressively more racy trips, so I was glad to have one trip there that was more my style.

The most exciting part was the Blue Man Group show. As we walked out through the halls I looked over to see a Blue Man walking along side of us. He moved ahead, stood at the end of the hall, and started "signing" tickets. The way they signed was by putting blue paint on the item either with their hand or their lips. Stacey wasn't satisfied with a signed ticket, and got her cheek "signed", and then gave the Blue Man a kiss on the cheek.

Not Pictured: Jesse being hauled away by security after knocking a Blue Man out for messing with "his girl". Man I had a short fuse back then. I think it was the long hair.

I Think I've Been Plagiarized

Okay, I don't actually think I've been plagiarized, but I did find it quite odd this evening when I sat down and watched "How I Met Your Mother.", a show that I love, and often times liken this blog to.'s description of the episode reads:

Robin attends Lily's bridal shower and finds the gift that she brought is out of place.

That "gift" happens to be a black... well, in the spirit of PG-13, fake male part. She even gets an old sweet lady to "give" the gift to the bride. Sound at all familiar?

If, in next week's episode, Ted fall's in love with a cute Chilean girl that he met in an engineering class, I might have to consider legal action.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I need to just keep my mouth shut in the elevator

I stayed late at work today. I couldn't really tell you why. My next deadline isn't until Friday of next week, and according to the standard nerd rules I shouldn't be putting in extra time until Wednesday at the earliest.

At any rate, just after six I decided it was time to head home. As I strolled out I noticed Liang was still in his office.

"You heading home?" he asked.
"Yeah, gotta hit the restroom first"
"I'll meet you in the lobby in a minute"

As I was entering the lobby after having taken care of my business I heard the elevator ding as it's doors opened.

"That jerk took off without me" I thought and quickened my pace to catch up. I opened the door to the elevator lobby to see Liang walking towards an elevator with an open door, and inside the elevator I could see a woman furiously pushing the "Close Door" button as if she was quite upset to have been stopped.

I looked at Liang, shrugged, and we both got in. The woman never looked up, and never acknowledged us at all. As the doors to the elevator closed I noticed Sean had a laptop in his hands.

"I got it from Jim after they gave away all the old stuff from the office that they weren't using anymore." He explained, "I figure I'll see what I can salvage from it. LCD, maybe a hard drive. I think it's even got some memo..."

He never finished the sentence because at this point the lady, who had been hiding in the corner of the elevator, let out the loudest yawn I have ever heard in my life.

Normally, 5 minutes after a situation such as this, the perfect thing to say pops in to my head and I end up kicking myself for the blown opportunity. With that said, I was delighted when the following joke popped in to my head. It was the perfect storm of elevator humor. It was simple, it was easy, it was a good ice breaker, and most of all, it was a chance to make fun of Sean.

"Don't worry, I find him quite boring too" I quipped.

And then... silence.

The lady didn't move, didn't budge, didn't look at me, nothing.

The door opened and she hastily exited, but I couldn't contain my laughter.

"You're pretty proud of yourself for that one are you?" Sean asked.

Yes, yes I was.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Ballers Use Tide - The evolution of a joke

If there's one thing I can do in this world, it's take a joke that's only mildly funny, and run it in to the ground. Around a year ago I was pleased to find that a coworker of mine, Sean N, shared the exact same trait. You may remember Sean from such previous works as the portrait of two girls riding on a dolphin.

When I first met Sean, his friend J.R. had gotten him calling everything "Baller". Soon I was using "Baller", Sean L was using "Baller"... "Baller" usage was spiraling out of control at the office.

Just as the "Baller" phenomenon started to die down the following picture was taken with the simple caption, "This is how Ballers do the laundry"

Soon a comment showed up that read, "Ballers Use Tide"

After that, the word Baller was often replaced with Tide. "Man, that car is so Tide", etc.

I later saw a video by Chingy that started with the comment, "Do you want to know what the definition of a Baller is? It's me"

Finally, not wanting to let an opportune moment to poke fun at J.R. slip away, Sean set out to create a website dedicated to the obscure joke in a community fashion, and thus was born.

So, feel free to stop by and laugh at lame nerd jokes, or add your own. Also feel free to digg it.

Note: the content of the site is user driven, and therefore will eventually be Not Safe For Work.

Nerd Word(s) - Special Edition: Baller

- Noun, Adjective

1. Someone who is quite exceptional. Most often relating to the spending of money.

[ Origin: About a year and a half ago I started hanging out with Sean N at work who had stolen the phrase from his friend J.R. ]

- synonyms
1. Pimp
2. Money

See also: Tide

- usage
"Man that car is so baller"
"Damn Baller. Where'd you get that watch?"

Monday, April 02, 2007

Jesse Finally Gets Lucky with Ruthie

The one good thing about having an abundance of pretend girlfriends is that you can get out any romantic type desires of dating without any of the pressure. I mean sure, you don't get the extracurricular engagement, but when you've gone as long as I have without, you mostly just give up on that.

With Ana out of the picture and Sarah in school, my pretend girlfriend dates have dropped to an all time low, so I was kind of excited when Ruthie told me that Jacob would be in Tucson for a Friday, and that her and I should go out and do something.

I consulted my big list of dates and after whittling them down I decided on a restaurant near and dear to my heart. I decided on Peter Piper Pizza. Skee Ball and crappy pizza, is there a better way to treat a lady and spend a Friday night? If you answered this question, "Yes", then this right here... you and I... it's probably not going to work out.

Eldad and Rachel decided they'd meet us there, but that gave us time to order pizza, get tokens, and give the games the once over. Now anyone who is a conasuir of token based games of chance and skill will tell you that the "Mine Cart" game is a loser. You play the skee ball for the ladies so you can do the "move", and the tornado game for the payday.

Here's a simple rhyme in case you find yourself easily forgetting which game pays:

Skee Ball for the honies
Tornado for the monies

Shoot hoops for laughs
Wheel of fortune for scratch

Mine cart doesn't fall in to the rhyme, but that's neither here nor there. The point is that it just doesn't pay. But of course when Ruthie, my excruciatingly cute date for the evening, exclaimed, "Let's try this one" I of course played the role and followed up with, "Yeah, that looks fun" as I watched her push a few tokens in and take her 5 tickets. "You try it" she said.

Now I normally resist such money wasters as the mine cart game, but if you read the previous paragraph, and I'm sure many of you stopped well before that, you'll remember that Ruthie is fairly easy on the eyes... and if you've read any of my blog entries at all you'll recall that cute girls turn me in to a total tool.

I prepared to throw as many golden circles of joy down the bottomless pit of token eating as it took, but much to my surprise it only took one. The first token slid down the machinery, glided along the rail, and dropped directly in to the coin sized slot as it raced by. The mine cart, full of tokens dumped out, and soon tickets started pouring out of the machine. I believe it was 15 tickets for each token, and the mine cart itself was full.

I'd like to tell you that this was just an unbelievable bit of luck, but between you and I, I think someone upstairs wanted me to win, and when I say someone upstairs I don't mean the cute girl in 12-G... although if she ever wanted to go to PPP with me, I'd probably be down. I mean... I'm just saying if she ever brings it up in conversation you should probably swing the bat for me.

Rachel and Eldad showed up as the tickets continued to flow. Five minutes later kids were walking by with the same large, longing eyes that I get whenever someone drives by a Fry's Electronics without stopping. Security was called in to protect me, and I ended up being forced to sign some tax papers. Apparently I'll have to claim the winnings on a W-2G form come tax season. Rachel was asking me if I was ready to go play something else, but the tickets still hadn't stopped.

Eventually the machine relented and stopped dispensing tickets. Of course the ticket counting machine was broken, so the guy behind the counter said, "I'll give you 1000" which we gladly accepted. With that and the rest of our "winnings" Ruthie scored this sweet flower which now hangs neatly from her closet doors.