Friday, February 23, 2007

Why Erik and Jesse don't get invited to weddings anymore

Note to the reader: I normally try to keep these PG-13 or less, but as this story involves a trip to Castle Boutique, I'm not 100% sure that's possible. If you'd like to keep that pristine, angelic image of me that you have in your head, feel free to stop reading now.

As I look back, there's been a recent flurry of Ruth and Rachel stories, and I think it's time we discuss something else. Unfortunately there's not a lot else happening these days, so grab your plutonium and get the De Lorean up to 88 kids, we're going a ways back on this one.

In High School I had a "friend" named Chris. I put friend in quotes because I'm not exactly sure how I'd identify Chris. He hung out with us a lot, and we had all the same classes, but I was never sure if he really was a friend, or just someone who put up with us.

He seemed like there was a decent guy underneath somewhere, but he'd never let that guy out. He just always came across as uptight and not friendly. Don't get me wrong, that was just his shtick in high school. Mine was being the smartass. Erik was the quiet loner kid... Everyone had their thing, Chris's just happened to be being the guy who was always telling me to shut up.

A year or two after high school, a mutual friend informed me and Erik that Chris was tying the knot. His girlfriend was pregnant, and Erik and I speculated that given his strong Catholic upbringing and family, Chris's marriage was as much a decision of the family due to the pregnancy as it was of Chris and his bride to be.

Having never been to a wedding, and being completely socially unadapted, we really had no idea what to expect, but that didn't stop us from trying.

"We should get them something fun as a gift you know? Chris has always been so uptight. Let's get him something to loosen him up." Erik told me with that mischievous look in his eye.
"Yeah, like a gameboy or something. That'd be fun"
"Yeah, or something"

I soon found myself in a Castle Boutique, examining different "toys" and things for the young couple in lustlove. It wasn't long before we were comparing different fake male parts trying to decide which one was "right" for Chris.

"I guess bigger is better. Let's go for the Goliath"
"Okay, but make sure we get the black one. That just seems appropriate for Chris."

As I walked up to the counter with "Goliath" in my hands Erik came around the corner with something else.

"Here, let's get this too. It's 'Anal Probe' lube."
"I don't even know what that means. Fine, lets get out of here"

The wedding day came, and we started to get cold feet. We went in to the reception and left the "gift" in my car. While inside, we asked someone how the gifts were to be opened. While we wanted Chris to have a laugh, we didn't want him to open up a huge sex toy in front of his family and embarrass him that much. We were told that the gifts would be opened in private.

Our worries alleviated, we went out to the car to get the gifts and just as we did, Allison walked by.

Allison was Chris's cousin, and an acquaintance of Erik and mine. Erik actually had a little crush on her for a few years, but that's a story for his blog(or mine at a later date when I have nothing to write about). What is important is that she was sort of straight laced so to speak, and a very nice girl.

"Hey Allison, we were just about to leave, but we forgot to drop our present off. Would you mind taking it in for us?" I asked while handing her the wrapped prosthetic.
"Sure... there's no tag on it?"
"Oh, he'll know who it's from"

We later found out that he probably did open the presents with his family. Apparently a fake wang for a wedding is what we in the business like to refer to as a "Social Faux Pas", but we had no idea at the time. We were just trying to get him to loosen up a bit.

Unfortunately we never heard from Chris again. To be honest, I'm a little hurt that I never got a thank you card.

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