Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Top 5: Worst Casting Decisions

5. Shia Labeouf as Harrison Ford's son in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -
Let's first examine the possibility of Indiana Jones actually having a kid.

By now you should have the opening scene of Raiders memorized.  If you don't, go watch it and come back.  I'll wait.

This scene proves without a doubt that Indy couldn't possibly have a child that he didn't know about; He never goes anywhere without a hat, and he always gets out in time.

4. Marlon Wayans as Snails in Dungeons & Dragons -


If I had ten readers, nine of them would think I was joking around right now, but rest assured I'm being serious. In 2000, there was a Dungeons & Dragons movie made, and playing the part of the sidekick was none other than Marlon Wayans, star of 75% of the shows on the WB for the first 3 years it was a network.

Two words for Petr Brodsky and the rest of the four member casting team:
Target Demographic

It took four of you to cast that piece of crap? Really? Really!?!

You could have dressed up a bunch of six year olds and it would have been more amusing. I think The Little Rascals proved that. You know what? Never mind. I give up. Next.

3.  Keanu Reeves(In any role other than Ted Theodore Logan) -
Look, I get it. You really liked the Matrix. You know what? I did too, but I'd argue that it'd be just as solid of a movie if the part was played by someone else.

Johnny Mnemonic is the only film I've ever walked out on. What's worse is that I was 18 at the time, when that seven bucks I'd just spent actually meant something to me.

I'm not even going to argue with you on this one. Roll the clip that pushed me over the edge:

2. Shia Labeouf as Sean Connery's grandson in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -

A lot of people forget that in his portrayal of Mutt, Shia was not only playing Indy's son, but also Sir Connery's grandson. Look, Shia seems like a cool kid. I'll give you that. He hangs out with Optimus Prime on a regular basis, and even made out with Megan Fox. On the cool scale, that's up there. Way up there. But you're asking an Olympic pole vaulter to jump over the Empire State building here.

The only person bad ass enough to play this part was Jesus Christ himself, but I heard the producers couldn't get him to come out of retirement for a second time.

1. Jennifer Connelly as Janine in He's Just Not That In To You -
Jennifer Connelly is a fantastic actress, but for this year's "He's Just Not That in to You", the brilliant team of Baddeley and Davis decide to cast her in the part of Janine. In the movie, and I hope I'm not spoiling this for you, Janine is cheated on by her husband.

I've watched Dinosaurs come to life and a little alien named Yoda get in to a light saber fight with a real person. I've sat through flying cars and skeleton pirate attacks. I even bought it when Matt Damon played a genius, but if you expect me to believe that any man could cheat on Jennifer Connelly, a Jennifer Connelly who spent half the movie in pig tails no less, then you're about 40 IQ points below Forrest Gump.

If the stork delivered you from the factory between the years 1969 and 1982 with the "Daddy Parts" option selected, then an absolute, unfaltering adoration of Jennifer was installed by default. It's impossible for this movie to have taken place.

"But maybe she was all they could get?" Some not-as-astute-as-they-think-they-are readers are currently thinking.

You don't even have to look outside of the cast list to see where they went wrong. The correct answer should stand out to you like Shaquille O'Neal at a white midget convention.
Drew Barrymore
Jennifer Connelly
Scarlett Johansson
Jennifer Aniston
Ginnifer Goodwin
Out of this list, not one of these names stands out as the perfect person to play a girl who gets cheated on by her husband and left for a younger, more sexual woman? Huh.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Nerd Word(s): The Project

The Project
- noun

1. Something that a nerd is currently devoting most of his time, energy, or thoughts to. Normally this involves building, wiring, constructing, programming, or a combination of many different nerd schools of expertise.
2. The single most attention consuming thought for any true nerd.

[ Origin: Since the dawn of time, nerds have worked on "The Project" ]

- usage
1. "Dude, we're all getting together to watch the Sun's game tonight. You in?"
"Nah, I think I'm just going to stay home and work on The Project"

- see also

- examples
1. The Flying Machine - The Wright Brothers(And others)
2. How To Build a Chair - Me
3. Cale's Bedroom - A project by Sean

Totally Totally Nerd Party 2009

I normally wait till after the party to write a story about how I said something stupid to some girl I don't know, but since this party was sort of The Project for the week, I thought I should advertise a little. If I've neglected to invite someone, let me know and I'll fix that. Also, if you'd like to apply to be the girl I say something stupid to, send an email to:  

All of your favorite Sesquipedalis stars will be there, including Sean, Liang, J.R., and even Flip Cup.  I for one will be hiding in the corner and making awkward conversation.

Sean recently purchased a new house mini-mansion, and to celebrate decided he'd add a little something extra to his annual St. Patty's day party. This year he wanted to get some oversized boxing gloves.


I upped the ante and suggested he rent an inflatable ring as well.

Naturally, we soon found ourselves at a trophy store picking up a trophy that reads, "Drunken Cartoon Boxing Champ 2009"


The plan was set: Boxing in the backyard, Sun's game downstairs, and Rock Band in the upstairs loft.

But with all of the hubub over the boxing I felt it necessary to up the ante on the Rock Band as well. Following the instructions found here, I wired two stage kits together for a super nerdy Rock Band experience.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Do It For Harley

"So I have this friend, named Stephanie, and she's super cute. You should meet her sometime," Mary's IM began abruptly.

"Uh huh..."

It wasn't that I wasn't interested. Far from it. It was more the fact that Mary's a bit crazy, and doesn't even know me that well. Not really. Besides, if this blog has shown us anything it's that first time meetings aren't really my thing.

Mary isn't actually crazy. She's well within the acceptable range of crazy for anyone born a female. She's just a bit of an overachiever and trends towards the higher side of that scale.

We met over a year ago when Geremy brought her to Rock Band night at a local bar. Mine and Erik's band Metallic Brainstem were set to do a two song set list, and she filled in on bass.

Geremy had met Mary in class, and I believe was attempting to set the two of us up. Mary's a lovely girl, but the meeting was a bit like remedial science class at the local high school: Not a lot of chemistry. The feeling was mutual, and while the real life relationship floundered a little, we transitioned nicely to online buddies. We took to IMing one another on the slow days at work.

On this particular day, either work was extremely slow, or Mary was just over eager.

"Well, she's a bit young" she continued, "Twenty to be exact, but she turns 21 in September"

Strike one. Are we really counting months? Is this some sort of set up? Chris Hansen, is that you? No I will not have a seat over there.

"I met her in the Miss Arizona pageant. She competed with me"

A beauty queen? Me? Really Mary? Strike two. Why don't I just pick her up on my flying Pegasus and spend the evening slaying dragons and dancing with the faeries? I mean, if we're living in fantasy land why not jazz it up a tad?

"A twenty year old beauty queen? Have you read my blog at all Mary? Even a little? I feel like you haven't been paying attention" I began to protest.

"There's a pageant coming up. You should go cheer her on."

"Yeah, I don't know if..."

"She does ventriloquy for her talent" Mary continued, undaunted.

"I'm in."

Last Saturday I found myself outside of a large auditorium wondering what I'd gotten in to. Apparently jeans and a white T-shirt aren't appropriate attire for a beauty pageant, so I made an attempt at dressing nicely. I felt a bit like a kid who's mom had dressed him in a tie for the first day of Sunday school, but I put on a brave face as we entered.

The competition was surprisingly not bad. Sure, there were a few off moments. Some of the answers during the Q&A portion were a bit less than fantastic(Not quite The Iraqs, but still amusing). A few of the "talents" were a little more Sanjaya than they were Kelly, but as a whole it was entertaining.

And then came Stephanie. The tiny girl walked out on stage in her flowing white dress, and Dream Weaver started playing. After a brief, and entertaining introduction she pulled out her dummy "Harley" and went in to her act. It was actually funny. For the first time in the evening I was laughing, and it was an acceptable time for me to be laughing. It was fantastic.

It was at this exact moment that I leaned over to Mary and whispered, "I think I'm in love"
"I told you"

After the pageant was over, Mary, her friend Kevin, Stephanie and her friend Quinn and I all went to Applebee's. The three cute girl to two nerd guy ratio completely threw me off so I spent the entire night hiding in the corner.

As is often the case when women congregate, the topic of boys came up, and from my corner I heard Stephanie say, "I really like an assertive guy"

Strike three. And I'm out.

Since Stephanie was gracious enough to let me use her picture for this blog entry I'm going to go ahead and post a link to her Miss America donation page. You don't have to kick in on my account. Do it for Stephanie. Do it for the tax break. Do it for the kids. Most importantly, do it for Harley.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Dad steps up to the plate

Mom knocks it out the park

My dad is a Harley riding, tequila drinking man's man who was in the Air Force for 20 years as an F-15 simulator bad ass.  He grew up on a farm, and mostly spent his time stirring up trouble.  My mother on the other hand is an ex-principal who works for community services, and was raised in a very strict baptist family.  She was a stay at home mother for a few years, and the main caregiver for the family.

Now that I write it out this way, it makes complete sense that my dad is the one constantly reminding us to watch our language, behave, and drive carefully.  When I say "us" I generally mean, "my mother."  It's not that she curses like a sailor or gets out of hand.  It's just that when it comes to a game of "How far are we going to take this joke?", my mother is the champion.  The undisputed champion.

While everyone in my family loves to push the limits without crossing the line, my mother is the proud owner of property far far on the other side.

About 2 years ago my dad, brother and I were going to Quizno's for dinner.

"Just use this door over here" my brother said, pointing to a closer, easy to miss side door.

"Oh.  Back door huh?" I quipped, quoting the great Han Solo from Return of the Jedi.

"Back in my day we called that the old dirt road" dad added without missing a beat as he walked up to the door, now by himself.

My brother and I had stopped dead in our tracks.  While my dad is very quick witted and amusing, he never ever makes jokes that are dirty, or sexual in nature. It was something I'd never seen from him, and something I haven't seen again since.

I've never been more proud in my life.

Back in June of 2008, I had been dating Roseann for about 2 months.  Despite the initial hiking trip, things were going well and we had progressed to a point where I was ready to introduce my family to her.  More importantly I was ready to introduce her to them.  My family tends to get a bit silly when everyone is together, but I figured she'd have to face them eventually if things were to work out.

The typical meet the parents jitters were in full effect for Roseann and she spent the majority of the time quietly listening, and answering the onslaught of my family's questions.

Nobody seemed to care too much, except for my mom.  She pulled me aside midway through dinner and asked if she had embarassed me in any way.  I reassured her that everything was fine.

I write a public blog about every stupid thing I've ever said to a woman. What could possibly embarrass me?

At this point some friends came in and surprised us.  They had come through the side door.

"Oh, the old dirt road?" Miranda said, barely able to get her joke out through her own laughter.

Roseann looked confused, and I quickly launched in to the story of "The Old Dirt Road".  My dad was out of earshot, but mom, now 2-3 glasses of wine in to the night followed along intently.  As I hit the punch line and everyone began laughing, a wistful look of rememberence washed over mom's face.  She leaned back in her chair, lifted up her glass of wine, as if toasting to a higher power and said, "Oh... the back seat of that old '57 Ford"