Let's first examine the possibility of Indiana Jones actually having a kid.
By now you should have the opening scene of Raiders memorized. If you don't, go watch it and come back. I'll wait.
This scene proves without a doubt that Indy couldn't possibly have a child that he didn't know about; He never goes anywhere without a hat, and he always gets out in time.
4. Marlon Wayans as Snails in Dungeons & Dragons -
If I had ten readers, nine of them would think I was joking around right now, but rest assured I'm being serious. In 2000, there was a Dungeons & Dragons movie made, and playing the part of the sidekick was none other than Marlon Wayans, star of 75% of the shows on the WB for the first 3 years it was a network.
Two words for Petr Brodsky and the rest of the four member casting team:
Target Demographic
It took four of you to cast that piece of crap? Really? Really!?!
You could have dressed up a bunch of six year olds and it would have been more amusing. I think The Little Rascals proved that. You know what? Never mind. I give up. Next.
3. Keanu Reeves(In any role other than Ted Theodore Logan) -
Look, I get it. You really liked the Matrix. You know what? I did too, but I'd argue that it'd be just as solid of a movie if the part was played by someone else.
Johnny Mnemonic is the only film I've ever walked out on. What's worse is that I was 18 at the time, when that seven bucks I'd just spent actually meant something to me.
I'm not even going to argue with you on this one. Roll the clip that pushed me over the edge:
2. Shia Labeouf as Sean Connery's grandson in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -
A lot of people forget that in his portrayal of Mutt, Shia was not only playing Indy's son, but also Sir Connery's grandson. Look, Shia seems like a cool kid. I'll give you that. He hangs out with Optimus Prime on a regular basis, and even made out with Megan Fox. On the cool scale, that's up there. Way up there. But you're asking an Olympic pole vaulter to jump over the Empire State building here.
The only person bad ass enough to play this part was Jesus Christ himself, but I heard the producers couldn't get him to come out of retirement for a second time.
1. Jennifer Connelly as Janine in He's Just Not That In To You -
Jennifer Connelly is a fantastic actress, but for this year's "He's Just Not That in to You", the brilliant team of Baddeley and Davis decide to cast her in the part of Janine. In the movie, and I hope I'm not spoiling this for you, Janine is cheated on by her husband.
I've watched Dinosaurs come to life and a little alien named Yoda get in to a light saber fight with a real person. I've sat through flying cars and skeleton pirate attacks. I even bought it when Matt Damon played a genius, but if you expect me to believe that any man could cheat on Jennifer Connelly, a Jennifer Connelly who spent half the movie in pig tails no less, then you're about 40 IQ points below Forrest Gump.
If the stork delivered you from the factory between the years 1969 and 1982 with the "Daddy Parts" option selected, then an absolute, unfaltering adoration of Jennifer was installed by default. It's impossible for this movie to have taken place.
"But maybe she was all they could get?" Some not-as-astute-as-they-think-they-are readers are currently thinking.
You don't even have to look outside of the cast list to see where they went wrong. The correct answer should stand out to you like Shaquille O'Neal at a white midget convention.
Drew BarrymoreOut of this list, not one of these names stands out as the perfect person to play a girl who gets cheated on by her husband and left for a younger, more sexual woman? Huh.
Jennifer Connelly
Scarlett Johansson
Jennifer Aniston
Ginnifer Goodwin
I never read the comics, so that may be part of the reason, but I did like Keanu Reeves in Constantine. Granted, parts of the dialog and the ending scene on the roof could certainly have been improved, but overall, I thought he did a pretty good job in it.
ReplyDeleteOnly movie I ever walked out on: Johnny Mnemonic. You have a reader for life, Jesse! :-)
ReplyDeleteI have a similar rant on Keanu where I end by saying he topped at 'Bill and Ted' and should have stopped while he was ahead.
ReplyDeleteKeanu is so bad, Family Guy hit it on the head (literally) when they did the scene where Brian met him at a party, and a woodpecker was on his head. Brian says "Uh...theres a woodpecker on your head" and Keanu replies "Yeah....he comes and goes"...fucking DOLT
ReplyDeleteI like what your doing with your blog, try to cover all conners of the web. The Shaq stuff got you on espn and cnn, now with this latest piece your gunning for the greatest content aggregator of the all, digg.com
ReplyDelete2 words - Pauley Shore, how does he not make this list?
ReplyDeleteWe walked out on 13 Warriors too. I suppose that was technically for health reasons, but still.
ReplyDeleteI can never get my money back for walking out of that movie. But you might have paid, so I guess that's ok.
i can't believe no one is commenting on the j.aniston thing! hilarious. of course, what's funny is that she's actually aging better than jolie, who is barely in her thirties and looks like an underfed witch wanting to get your little dog too!
ReplyDeleteas for j.c. and by j.c i mean the real one, not that jesus fellow, you are looking at your own paradox...target markets. all of the people who grew up with muppets and fell in love with jennifer while cast along side david bowie are now "target market" middle agers who now hold scarlet j as their if i could only be bill murray in translation if only for a day dream girl, no pun intended. all of your j.c. stock holders sold out when scarlet did her translation role, which is funny because between the two, labrynth was a much more believable film.
just my two... take it for what it's weight in sand is.
Trassin,
ReplyDeleteHe's probably not actually that bad. I was being a little over the top I guess. I never did see Constantine. Maybe I should check it out.
Renee,
Yeah. It was really bad. Thanks for reading
Jo,
Maybe we should start writing these posts together?
Chase,
I'm starting to think I should check out this Family Guy thing. Everyone keeps telling me about it.
Laing,
I hate you.
Mike,
I'd argue that anything with Pauly isn't bad casting, it's just a bad movie decision. I see your point though.
Rose,
Solid point. We did in fact walk out on 13th Warrior. I'm going to take you to a movie next time I see you, pay for it, and even buy you popcorn just so we can finally call it done. I'll also take pictures as proof, blog about it, and have it all notarized. Just for good measure.
Geremy,
I agree that Scarlet is a worthy adversary to JC, but my heart belongs only to the Connelly.