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Showing posts from February, 2007

Rant of the day: Fast Franks

I'm going to veer off topic for a moment and do the typical blog thing and rant for a minute. I went shopping for groceries today. It's no secret that I don't cook, and as such my basket is normally filled with such healthy items as frozen pizzas, ham, bread, and cheese.

Whenever I eat at home, I do so for convenience, although the monetary savings are a delightful side bonus. The only meal that I cook due to a particular desire for said meal is an old recipe handed down through the ages by my people. When I say "my people" I of course mean rednecks from Arkansas, and when I say "old recipe" I mean Kraft Macaroni and Cheese with cut up hot dogs. Occasionally, if I'm feeling a bit frisky, I'll vary the recipe and go with Spiral Macaroni instead of the traditional sort, but that's about as creative as I get in the kitchen. I'm pretty sure that Macaroni comes from the Italian word meaning quite literally "Fruit of the Gods", but th…

NerdMory Word(s): Really

- question, statement, expletive

1. As near as I can tell, this phrase has absolutely no meaning whatsoever.

[Origin: Mory has recently taken to following every statement made by someone she's conversing with with this phrase.]

1. Really?
2. Really!
3. Really!?!
4. Really... Really?

See also Nerd Words(s) 80's edition: No Way!

- usage
Left as an exercise to the reader

Why Erik and Jesse don't get invited to weddings anymore

Note to the reader: I normally try to keep these PG-13 or less, but as this story involves a trip to Castle Boutique, I'm not 100% sure that's possible. If you'd like to keep that pristine, angelic image of me that you have in your head, feel free to stop reading now.

As I look back, there's been a recent flurry of Ruth and Rachel stories, and I think it's time we discuss something else. Unfortunately there's not a lot else happening these days, so grab your plutonium and get the De Lorean up to 88 kids, we're going a ways back on this one.

In High School I had a "friend" named Chris. I put friend in quotes because I'm not exactly sure how I'd identify Chris. He hung out with us a lot, and we had all the same classes, but I was never sure if he really was a friend, or just someone who put up with us.

He seemed like there was a decent guy underneath somewhere, but he'd never let that guy out. He just always came across as uptight and not f…

Nerd Word(s): I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means
- statement

1. A statement often made after a particularly mean or crude joke to "soften" the blow.

2. Used after an obscure joke to deflect from blank stares.

3. Used to distance yourself from a friend's particularly bad joke.

Sometimes followed by, "But I do know this..." and a totally unrelated fact.

[ Origin: An Adam O Original ]

- synonyms
1. I... I don't know what that means.
2. I don't even know what that means.

- usage
"Yeah, he looked Dom DeLuise in Cannonball Run II trying to get where he was going while Burt Reynolds is off chatting up the ladies trying to get his..." pause "I don't know what that means..."

"Man that was really hard"
"That's what you mom said last night..." pause "I...I don't know what that means... But I do know this... You never hit a woman"

Nerd Word(s): We in the business

We in the business
- noun

1. An imaginary profession, or a profession of which the speaking nerd does not belong to. Often used to give authority to a subject that the speaker has no authority in.

[ Origin: Unknown. Became a staple of the Jesse B vernacular circa 1998 ]

- usage
While watching basketball - "That's what we in the business like to call a good shot"

After seeing a girl in an extremely short skirt - "That's what we in the business like to refer to as a hottie"

Delusions of Grandeur

A few weekends ago Ruth and Rachel went on a business trip to New Mexico. I dropped them off at the airport and returned to my condo, but for some reason it didn't feel like my condo anymore. It was a painful step back through the looking glass and while everything looked the same, it just wasn't. It was quiet, it was cold... it was boring.

"Two days of this? What am I going to do with myself." I thought as I stood in the center of my living room. After a bit of moping around I picked myself up and started to take care of the things that I had been putting off. Since the twins had moved in, my ability to finish my chores in a timely manner had completely disappeared.

Before she had left, Ruth had been frantically searching her room for her ID and a misplaced necklace. The necklace had some sentimental value, so it's loss seemed to hit her especially hard. That combined with the stress of the business trip had her very much on edge. I tried to help her search for th…

Nerd Word(s): Pretend Girlfriend

Pretend Girlfriend
- noun

1. A girl that you date, but aren't romantic with. i.e. All of the duty, none of the booty.

[ Origin: The last two years of my life]

- usage
"Wanna do something tonight?"
"Nah, I can't I got a date with my pretend girlfriend"

"Who are you taking as your date to the wedding?"
"I don't know. I'll get one of my pretend girlfriends to go"

-see also
Ana, Anna, Ruthie, Sarah

Jesse the Sadist

Note to the reader: This entry hits on some PG-13 elements and may not be suitable for anyone.

In early January I awoke at about 3am to find Ruth standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was a bit freaked out. Once I realized it was Ruth I was a bit excited, as any guy would be to wake up and find a beautiful girl standing at the foot of his bed, but I soon realized she was in pain... and possibly crying.

The fantasy I had worked up in my head quickly faded as I tried to get my bearings and figure out what was going on. There was no visible bleeding. There were no missing limbs. I couldn't spot any broken bones. "Maybe something emotional?" I thought to myself.

Soon I remembered that she had been out the previous night with a guy. I now wondered if he had tried something devious. Normally quite the pacifist, I now found my blood pumping a bit harder.

I'm sure by this point I had quite the perplexed look on my face. As if to put the endless racing of my thoughts to rest…