A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 2: Mary Saves the Blog

Pop Quiz. Jesse has been absent from blogging because:
A) He was commissioned by the state of AZ to paint a mural in the courtroom of downtown Phoenix.
B) He's been sick.
C) His mathlete team advanced to the finals and he had to go on tour.
D) He's been busy with various peeps.
E) He's lazy.

No matter the answer, I apologize for the delay. This story is long enough as it is(Somewhere between 23 and 27 parts), and the last thing we need is a long break in the middle. So, back to blogging.

This part of the story hits a bit of a downturn, but I think it's important to fill in some of the gaps for anyone who's been reading for a while. It's important to note why the blog needed saving. Despite the language used here, no need to worry about me. Things only get written about once I'm okay with them.

My condo was one of the few in the building that wasn't remodeled, and as such I had moved in much earlier than anyone else. I'd spent months a bit worried that I'd end up with some pain-in-the-ass person next door and we'd fight forever. This wasn't like renting an apartment and having a bad neighbor. I was here indefinitely. For better or worse, this place was mine.

In early October, I could hear my new neighbors moving in next door. I really wanted, all day, to peek out and introduce myself, but I wasn't sure how awkward it would be, so I spent most of the day cleaning and running errands. On my final trip home for the day I would finally run in to the two girls who would end up changing my life forever.

The encounter was nothing more than a brief passing in the hall, but even then I knew it was something more. The next day I would sit down and write about it. At the time I even started a new series of blog entries called "Nerd Word(s)" in an attempt to help document and explain the stupid crap that comes out of my mouth.

Day 31 (November 10th, 2006) -

In one of the boldest moves of my life, I walked across the hall and knocked on the pink door of 11-L. I had hoped to invite Ruth and Rachel hiking with me, but I ended up with a lot more than a simple hiking trip.

An hour later I had been whisked away, and found myself on a balcony talking to Ruth, who I was immediately enamored with. While I joked that it was hard to tell them apart, it wasn't. Not really. Rachel was an instant best friend who could make me laugh or smile without effort, but when Ruth looked at me, my little nerd heart lept out of my chest.

The feeling never made sense to me. It couldn't be a physical attraction difference. They're identical, and Rachel was the twin that seemed best matched to me. She is the loud, crazy, obnoxiously funny one. I spent some time trying to figure out why I felt the way that I did about Ruth. I asked their friends what they thought the differences were between the two. I paid attention to the way they acted. I looked for anything that could be the cause of these feelings, but eventually I relented and just gave in to it.

It didn't matter if the connection made sense. It was there, and it was obvious to me.

When I was sad, she was there with a hug.
When she was cold, I was already taking off my hoodie and putting it on her.
When I needed reassurance in a social situation, her hand would slide towards mine under the table.
When she was hungry, I was already making dinner.

There was no need to verbalize a want, it was already done. The connection was so strong for me that for the first time in my life I was confident with a woman. I didn't need to rush anything with her. It all seemed so inevitable. That confidence would prove to be my undoing.

Day 45 (November 24th, 2006) -

My Grandmother passed away on her 88th birthday, which also happened to be the day after Thanksgiving. She had long been fighting dementia, so her passing was a bittersweet ending to an exceptional life. My mother spent the week making the arrangements for her mother's funeral, and I told her that I wanted to say something. Public speaking ranks as one of the last things that I ever care to do, but in this case, I had a story to share.

Ruth's boyfriend was in town for Thanksgiving, and they spent a good portion of the week arguing and fighting. It was a relationship they both seemed to know was over, but neither had yet verbalized it. His trip seemed, in my eyes, a goodbye (for both).

Day 54 (December 3rd, 2006) -

I found myself in Arkansas for the funeral. We visited with relatives, and stopped by Grandma's school. She had been the principal for her small town for many years, and when they built a new elementary school, it was named after her (Dean Martin Elementary).

I made up my mind on that trip. It was time to tell Ruth exactly how I felt. It was time to make something happen. I returned and entered their condo with my newfound confidence.

I was greeted with a hug and an excited statement, "I met some guy at Sheri's party on Saturday!"

Well, shit.

"That's... great"

Day 74 (December 23rd, 2006) -

The rest of December passed by without major event. Living next to Ruth and Rachel was like living next to the Spice Girls. What once would be described as a "major event" had become quite common place. There were models, singers, ballet dancers, blue men, and actors stopping by on a regular basis, and I quickly learned to take it all in stride. It was quite the departure from my friends who's diversity ended at a Canadian, and that one guy with two level seventy characters in WoW.

Two days before Christmas, Kendall had what she named "The Urban Family Christmas". It was a dinner with friends, and I was had been invited! It was at this party that Ruth would meet the man who would win her heart. He was a pre-med student,, and like most men, he was enthralled by the twins. More specifically, my twin.

At this point in time, Ruthie had numerous suitors, and her main objection to me seemed to be the fact that I was not a member of the Jewish faith. He had that on me, and for that reason I actually encouraged her to go out with him. I was still ridiculously overconfident in my relationship with Ruth, so a small delay couldn't matter.

Day 115 (February 2nd, 2007) -

For my thirtieth birthday, the twins threw me the biggest party of my life. I usually shy away from crowds, but I actually found myself having a good time. At the end of the night, after most people had left, I found myself alone in my room with my neighbor crush. Despite the fact that she lived 5 feet away, we never found ourselves alone. It was time to make my move. It was time to tell her everything.

And then there was a knock at my door. It was him, and he was looking for Ruth. I would soon realize that aggressiveness has it's advantages, and that I had no aggressiveness.

Day 308 (August 14th, 2007) -

Ruth's boyfriend was accepted to medical school in Ohio, and she informed me that she was considering moving with him. The last six months had been a whirlwind romance for her, and she told me that she would spend the next two months deciding.

Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was foolish, but I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving. For the first time, I decided to take action. For the next sixty days I wrote a reason every day for her to stay and posted them in a private blog for her and her alone.

Day 341 (September 16th 2007) -

The new blog ended on Day #34 when Ruthie told me she was moving.

Day ~417 (December 2007) -

As 2007 came to a close, I was broken. I wasn't sure where to go next, but the last thing I wanted to do was write positive, humorous things on a blog. My writing limped along for a while, but eventually I decided it was over. The story I had convinced myself that I was writing had gone the other way. Like a spoiled brat who hadn't gotten his way, I was tired of writing it.

Screw you guys, I'm going home

When I had convinced myself that I didn't care if I quit writing, I got an unexpected letter from Mandi. It was a brief message to let me know that she was still reading and enjoying my blog. It ended with an surprising remark, "My mom reads it too and really likes it!"

Somebody else's mom reads my blog?

It was the mother's guilt trip that I needed. I couldn't possibly quit now.

The Swan Song

Over the past couple of months, I've gone through the gamut of emotions. Ruthie's boyfriend had moved to Ohio for medical school, and I knew it was but a short time until she followed.

At first I tried to make sure she knew what she'd be giving up here by keeping her entertained and laughing. It's not in my nature to "convince" someone to do something. I generally think people should make decisions on their own, but in this instance I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't regret not having tried.

Eventually I realized the efforts were fruitless and sat, watching the grains of sand fall slowly, like a patient who just received a bad diagnosis and no longer wants to fight. I tried to push her away, and retreat to my condo, but that plan didn't work so well either.

Had I written this entry two weeks ago, you may have gotten more of the latter emotion, but luckily, fear of reader(Read: Rose) backlash, and a little time led instead to this entry. As I sit here on the eve of Ruth's departure I turn instead to the silver lining of the dark cloud that hovers over our collective condo.

The past year has in fact been great. I've had fun. I've learned a lot. I've grown(Emotionally speaking. Despite what that email in my spam box said, the pills and the contraption didn't work at all). But, with all this said, what are some of the things to look forward to with them being gone?

1. More normal looking people - Since I've met the twins there's been a veritable parade of good looking people(Both male and female) marching through 11-G/L, and quite frankly I'm tired of always being the goofiest looking person in the room. Day 1 after they move out I'm asking a few friends over and having an "Average Looking Person" party. Most of you know who you are. If you're a 6 or less, start checking the mail box for an invite.

2. Less confusion - Most people who meet the twins can't tell them apart. I believe I suffered from this affliction for less than two days, but for many it lasts much much longer. Not only is it frustrating when they're around, but also later when I'm talking about them. Many is the time I've been mid-awesome story and been interrupted with, "Wait, Rachel was which one again?"

3. Long distance pen pals - Anyone who's read this blog and met me in real life will vouch for the fact that I'm much more amusing when put in to digital format. It's hard to believe given the crappy jokes I've used lately(See bullet #1), but it's true. For that reason, the Jesse that Ruthie knows is about to get a whole lot funnier.

4. Less lame guys/My guitar is finally mine - No explanation needed

5. New neighbors - Sure, I totally dig my neighbors and can't imagine anyone being better, but before they moved in, I couldn't imagine anyone as great as them, so that proves that my imagination sucks.

Any good poker player knows what beats a pair of aces, and that's three of a kind. Sure, the chances of amazing triplets moving in next door are really slim, but someone has to move in there, and if I've learned anything from the great philosopher/truth teller Kenny Rogers it's that you've gotta know when to take a new hand. Well, that and that just because it's fast food doesn't mean chicken can't still be delicious.

Okay, the original intent was for this to be 10 reasons, but I think I ran out of things to write. Quite frankly it's tough to find my silver lining. The two girls are an absolute pain in the ass, but for the past year they've been my pain in the ass, and I've enjoyed every minute of it.

The Sesquipedalis Year in Review: Superlatives

Best Joke:
There are many to choose from, but for some reason this one really stuck with me.

About a month or so ago, Ruth, Allen, Kendall and I took a walk down to Genny's for some late night snacking. If you're not familiar with Arizona, Genny's is the "Gay Denny's".

At any rate, while discussing funerals Kendall announced, "When I die I want someone to sing Don't Stop Believing by Journey at my funeral."

"That's a good one." I said, "Journey is one of my favorite bands"
"Except I want an Asian person to sing it" she finished the joke.

It took a few moments for it to sink in, but once it did I couldn't stop laughing. (If it hasn't clicked for you yet, just let it percolate for a bit)

Honorable Mention: Mom

Best Pretend Girlfriend Date
Laura recently let me come to her house and she painted while I blogged. I was hopeful that her artistic chi would rub off on me and some how result in a better blog. I, much like Britney when she said yes to the VMA's, was sadly mistaken.

Honorable Mention: Maya for "Sewage Waterfall and Chinese food - A Winning Combination"

Best New, "You know how I know Jesse's Gay?" fact
Well, you could easily write a novel for this one, but the winner is, Aqualung

Honorable Mention: After hearing recently that our offices might get moved(Separated), Sean told me, "I can't quit you"

Second Honorable Mention: Anything involving Geremy

Third Honorable Mention: Anything involving Ben

Best Sandwich
Jesse Sandwich. As created by Ruth and Rachel(Yeah baby!)

Best Wall Art
Twins and Dolphin

Honorable Mention: Liang Shot

Best Blog Post
I don't know, probably something Stefi wrote, but for the sake of self promotion, I'm going to say the on that cracks me up the most looking back is "I Think I'm in Love" mostly because I wrote it and then really was more or less in love. I'm usually not quite so prophetic with the positive stuff.

Most Embarrassing Moment
Many of my "embarrassing" moments really aren't that bad, but the one that really did hit home was the infamous hand shake.

Most Recent Blog Entry that I "Phoned In"
This one.

The Sesquipedalis Year in Review: Top 5 Stories You Never ReadStory 4: Twin Parties

While Ruth and Rachel had a lot of get togethers and parties over the past year there were two of considerable note.

The first party was the annual LRLR New Year's celebration extravaganza. The twins have a tradition that they have kept since they were in fourth grade of getting together with their two best friends, Lauren and Leyda(The love of my life), and spending New Year's Eve together. Although the four have gone their separate ways and now live all cross the country, they still manage to reassemble once a year like the Super Friends or the Avengers.

I'd like, in vast detail, to describe this celebration to you, but unfortunately this estrogen based Voltron is "no boys allowed". I will however, to the best of my abilities, describe the few details I was able to glean as the the pre-party was at the Twin's house, which means the pre-party was at my house.

Quote of the evening:

Rachel has a tendency to joke, so I have no idea if the following was a true statement, or an attempt to give me a heart attack. We were at Target shopping for party supplies. Rachel wanted to get silly string while Ruth and Leyda were against the idea. I decided to try to help Ruth and Leyda out before quickly realizing(As often happens with Rachel) that I had bitten off more than I could chew.

"Yeah, you don't want that stuff, it's a mess." I said, "Besides, it'll get all in your clothes and be sticky"
"Oh, we're normally all naked by that time anyhow" she said as she grabbed the can out of my hand and walked away.

30 minutes later I had scraped my jaw off the ground and returned home where Rachel was busy making a balloon/float/drop type apparatus and the other girls were cutting confetti.

Other important details(Now with pictures!):

1. At one point in the night they decided to attempt a dance they had choreographed in their youth. (Not Pictured)

2. I was asked to take pictures to commemorate the occasion.

3. I got out my extensive hat collection to help with the photographs.

4. Rachel does a good impersonation of a ninja.

5. Ruth tried to steal my camera to take pictures of me

6. But I punched her

7. Eventually we made up.

8. It's quite possible I should spend the rest of my life trying to convince Leyda to marry me, but true to form, I think I freaked her out.

The second "Twin Party" this year was my birthday. The girls took it upon themselves to throw me a bash of epic proportions. Truth be told, had I been given a choice I probably would have asked for a quiet evening alone since I don't enjoy being the center of attention. Although to stick with the theme of truthfulness, I'm sure that it's impossible for anyone to be in the same room as those two and be the center of attention. At any rate, I ended up quite pleased with it, and I'm sure it's a birthday I'll never forget.

Erik trying to steal my neighbors

Stacey Turns 27 Jesse Meets a P.A.P.Part 2

As this is a 2 part story, you should probably read part 1 and the intro(See below) first. Otherwise you'll be all confused and it won't make sense. Not that it's going to make sense anyhow, but you stand a better chance if you read those parts first.

The weekend that I was planning on taking Stacey to the Ballet, Ruth and Rachel's friend Bridget was in town from New York. I didn't really stress that fact because:

A) I had bigger things on my mind

B) My twin time had fallen to an all time low. They had both become busy with work, boyfriends, and family things. At the very least, they had become too busy to make me be social, which is a task unto its own.

The Saturday evening before the ballet I found myself with a slight bit of insomnia. I tossed and turned for a long while before finally falling asleep. Just as I did, "RING RING RING" the doorbell violently brought me back to a place I had spent the past few hours trying to leave.

Rachel. It had to be Rachel. Ruth, or any sane person would only ring once. A glance at the clock as I searched for my pants in the dark told me that she had probably been out. The odds were that she was slightly intoxicated. I've never even been buzzed in my life or had more than a sip of alcohol, but I know for a fact that I can hold my liquor better than Ruth and Rachel combined.

"Hi Rachel" I said as I opened the door and she moved in for a hug.
"Bridget likes you" she whispered in to my ear, "She wants to cuddle with you"
"I'm sure she does Rachel. You can tell her to come hop in bed with me" I said dismissively. "That's where I'll be."

It should be noted that Rachel seems to have taken my current lack of sexual exploits as her personal fix-er-up-er project. Maybe her and my mom could form a club.

---

I paused for a moment to let the 10+ hours I had just spent with Stacey sink in before finally turning to go back into my building.

With my head down in contemplative thought I said goodnight to the doorman as I past. I then looked up to see the 11-L gang exiting the elevator I was bound for.

"Come on, we're going to Four Peaks, and you're coming too" Rachel told me while giving me the, "Everything okay?" look.

"I don't know, I've had a busy..." I began to protest. Rachel is either quite astute at reading me and making me do what I should do rather than what I feel like doing, or she's just bossy and gets her way. Whether the former or latter, I soon relented.

"We'll all ride in Eldad's car" she said.

I put my five and a half years of college engineering math skills to work and realized 6 people in a Honda Accord wasn't going to work. I didn't have to check my driver's license or bank statement to remember that I'm not 17, and can afford the gas.

"My car's already up here" I said. I felt like the drive would do me some good anyhow, and it's always best to have an escape route in the event that plans change unexpectedly, or I feel the need to perform grand larceny. "I'll drive too"

"Bridget will go with you" Rachel motioned Bridget towards me. As Bridget turned to look, Rachel gave me the "Go get em tiger" head nod and wink from behind.

I had briefly met Bridget on Friday when we discussed my view and her raspy voice. Everything else I knew of her was from a discussion with Ruth 3 months prior while she was showing me all of her friend's myspace pages. My memory was vague, but the thing that I remembered most was that Bridget likes to party. Her page includes the description, "Party girl and P.A.P looking for a sponsor", what appears to be a legit picture of her and Puff Daddy shaking hands, and the profile song, "Party All the Time". But it wasn't just "Party All the Time", it was the club remix.

I would later be told that P.A.P. stands for "Park Avenue Princess.", and with that in mind "looking for a sponsor" means, "looking for a sugar daddy."

To say that I was a little skeptical of our social compatibility would be an understatement. Bridget is a cute girl, but aside from my love of cute girls, I felt there would be no common ground to find, and was worried about a possibly awkward car ride. I couldn't have been more wrong though as I realized once again that my first impressions are often drastically wrong. Bridget has a charm that rivals that of the twins, and a head on her shoulders that backs the charm up. We spent the entire car ride discussing everything from software development to ex's.

I spent the majority of the night at Four Peaks talking to Rachel about my day, and other goings on. There were about 8 people there total, some I knew well, some I did not. The evening was great. New jokes were made. New laughs were had. New moments were shared. Things were unfamiliar, but in a good way. After a day of remembering the past, not knowing what was coming next was refreshing.

By the time my head hit the pillow I was exhausted. My day had started at 9am and ended after midnight without a moment's rest. There would later be time for contemplation and analyzation, but for that night there was just sleep.

I apologize if the reference to Puff Daddy was wrong. Is it now just Puffy, or P-Diddy? I'm so out of the loop. One of you young whipper snappers feel free to correct me.

Rant of the Day: Twins

One of the more interesting things about knowing a set of cute twins is everyone else's reaction to them. I've probably had the following conversation or one quite similar to it more times than I could count using only my own digits.

"So what do your neighbors do?", asks random nerd #1
"Oh, they both work for Dillards"
"Wait, they work together and live together?"
"Yeah, they pretty much do everything together"
"... everything? Dude... everything?"

At this point I'm normally subjected to either a nudge and wink, or a glorious "high five". Sometimes I'll play stupid just to see how long it will go for.

"Yeah, most everything. They went to school together... and... let me see..."
"But dude. Twins... that's like the ultimate fantasy"

It should be noted that 9 out of 10 of these conversations are had with guys that are just as "female interaction challenged" as I am or worse. After a while I normally decide to end the conversation.

"First of all...You took your cousin to the prom. What makes you think you could handle twins? You haven't gotten to second base with a girl in sixth months... and you're married. Second of all, you couldn't deal with either one of these girls individually let alone both at the same time. They're all energetic and all over the place. A "busy" day for you is 3 hours of Wii and pizza delivery. 2 hours of just trying to talk to Ruthie and you'd be crying in the corner, and Rachel... well, Rachel could probably get you there in half that time."

"Yeah... but... dude... twins. I'm just saying"

My piano, okay. My guitar, maybe. My flute... Really? (Flute)

For the past two years my Mother has seen fit to buy me an odd instrument of some sort for Christmas. First it was a Charango(A lute like instrument), and this year a Kena(A South American Flute). They're both pretty neat, and while I've spent some time playing with them, it would be a far stretch of the imagination to say that I'm able to actually play either.

I mostly leave them sitting around in the condo next to the guitars and piano as conversation pieces. It also gives the illusion that I'm somehow worldly or musical, which I can assure you, I most certainly am not. If I could keep a beat and wasn't tone def I'd still be musically untalented, but my musical ineptitudes are not the the subject of this entry. The point is, that while I like these interesting instruments, they don't get as much use as they could.

On one particular day I was visited by my neighbors and their guests, who included 84. We were watching TV, or a movie or something which directed my attention to the front of the room(Directly opposite from the back of the room where the instruments tend to congregate.) As we persisted in whatever activity it was that had my attention I began to hear the sound of wind moving through the flute.

"Oh my god, now he's playing my flute" I thought. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and look for fear that I might say something unpleasant although numerous things crossed my mind.

"Yeah... uhm.... I have the oral herp bro. Actually I guess I should say 'we' have the herp now."
"Oh, my mom was over last week, and her dog peed all over that. I really wouldn't put it in your mouth"
"That's not actually a flute dude, it's a South American sexu... well, never mind... it's best that you don't know."

My piano, okay. My guitar, maybe. My flute... Really? (Piano)

The month following the guitar incident I was constantly asked my opinion on different guys. I'd often tell the story, or use it as a reference.
"At least this new guy didn't try to woo you with my guitar"

In early January I purchased a little midi keyboard/piano to plug in to my computer. I took a year of lessons when I was about 9, so I thought, 21 years later, I probably still "had it" and should see what I could do. On my third night of owning the keyboard, Rachel came over to visit. She had mentioned earlier that she had taken lessons, and as such, I asked her if she'd play something for me. After a little bit of bashfulness she agreed and walked over to the keyboard, which sat on top of my computer desk.

At the time I was working on my laptop, which also sits on my desk. As she began to play, a guy who will be known as suitor #84 came in to my room, saw the piano, and his face lit up(He plays the piano).

"Nice keyboard. Do you know the other half of heart and soul." He asked as he walked up and wedged himself between me and Rachel.

"Eh, not really" I lied. I wasn't really in the mood for a group sing a long, but that didn't stop 84.

At this point Ruth had come in, and she was soon followed by Eldad(Rachel's boyfriend). After further questioning she agreed to be the other half of the duet and I wondered how the same thing had happened yet again. I took my laptop and went out to the balcony to finish working on whatever it was I had been working on. Nobody really seemed to notice, and for that I was thankful.

My piano, okay. My guitar, maybe. My flute... Really? (Guitar)

The Tuesday after I had met Ruth and Rachel we went to see Joshua Radin in concert. I didn't know who he was, and what little of his music I had heard sounded a little pixie dust and rainbows to me, but I figured I'd check it out anyhow. It was acoustic guitar, coffee shop type crap, which is something I'm sort of in to lately, and it wasn't a big venue so I figured it'd be fun. Oh yeah, and my beautiful neighbor had invited me... I guess that helped motivate me a little... but just a little.

On the way there, Ruth informed me that she had invited a friend of hers, who for the sake of anonymity, we'll refer to as Suitor #37. Apparently 37 was in to Ruth a little, and even though they'd known each other for a long time, nothing had really ever happened.

37 showed up about half way through the concert. Rachel and I were enjoying the music, and 37 and Ruth spent the majority of the time chatting behind us. I ended up really digging the show, which surprised me.

As we went to leave, 37's car was nowhere to be found. It turns out he had parked in a tow away spot, and his car was gone. He seemed fairly upset(As you can imagine), and Ruth felt really bad, as if it was her fault he had parked in a spot that read, "No Parking".

To be fair, the store that he parked in front of was long closed, so it was a bit silly that they'd still be towing people, but I guess those are the breaks.

The lot where his car was kept was closed for the night, so Ruth told him he could crash at her place and she'd take him in the morning.

(Note to self: If you're trying to get the invite back to a girl's place, park in the tow away zone. Best 135 bucks that guy ever spent)

We got back to our place, and all ended up in my condo. 37 was giving Ruthie the look, and it was starting to feel a little weird for me. Just as it got weird Rachel asked if I wanted to go down to the work out room in the building. I agreed as the "romantic tension" between Ruth and 37 seemed to be rising.

It's important to note that at this point in time, I had known Ruth and Rachel about 4 days, and #37 I had met about 2 hours before. Ruth and 37 were heading towards first base as I announced Rachel and I were leaving. It was my assumption at this point that maybe they'd relocate... For example, to Ruth's house, which is roughly 4 feet away.

After a 20 minute work out I returned to find 37, with Ruth sort of laying on one of his knees. Across the other knee was my guitar. Now, I'm not sure how many readers are musicians... It would be a far stretch to call myself one, but I think it's a general rule that playing another man's guitar without asking is sort of like taking their car for a spin without asking. Just because you know how to drive stick shift too doesn't make it okay. Even if, in this metaphor, my guitar is a 1978 Pinto, I still think it's odd to go into someone you don't know's house and start playing their guitar.

Besides, if anyone is going to sit on my couch, play my guitar, and not score with my neighbor, by default it should be me. I mean... That's my thing. You don't show up at Martha Stewart's for Thanksgiving and bring a Turkey you made at home. You don't hop in the car with Jeff Gordon and tell him you wanna drive, and you don't come over to my house and not score with my neighbors.

They didn't really seem bothered by my presence, and Rachel had left to go to bed. I believe, they eventually got the hint and left, but it certainly took longer than I felt was comfortable.

My piano, okay. My guitar, maybe. My flute... Really? (Prologue)

Work has been busy this past week, and as such the blog is falling behind. I'll get to it when I can, but for now here's the beginning of a story I have yet to finish.
This story has been beat to death, but I never really posted it. If you've heard it before, do yourself a favor and stop reading now.

As loyal readers, or anyone who's been within 100 feet of me in the past few are well aware, 3 months ago I went to knock on my neighbor's door and set in to motion a series of events that would lead to a plethora of changes in my life. Suddenly I had the equivalent of two beautiful roommates whom I barely knew. Out of nowhere my life had changed from that of a typical nerd to what could pass for a prime time member of NBC's Thursday night "Must See TV".

Initially I was scared of having two "roommates". I'm not that great at having people around that often, and I tend to get annoyed easily. Luckily for me, Ruth and Rachel ended up being quite easy to get along with. They're about as orderly as a bull in a china shop, but everyone tells me that a little chaos will do me some good.

As I spent my time bracing for impact and looking to keep things under control, the one thing I didn't see coming was that along with my two new roommates came their would-be-suitors. "Would-be-suitors" in no way describes the magnitude of attraction that these two have put out. It's as if every eligible man in Phoenix has come by with the hopes that his foot will somehow fit the glass slipper. Fewer eligible bachelor's appeared during the entire 8 season run of The Dating Game than have appeared at my neighbor's doorstep in the past few months.

It's not as if I haven't enjoyed watching sailor after sailor steer his ships directly for Sirenum Scopuli, it's more that by showing up on their doorstep they're essentially showing up on my doorstep, and I oftentimes find myself ill equipped to handle unplanned house guests.

Now, to be sure there have been a couple who's presence is welcome, but by and large that tends to not be the case. In general I've found myself able to deal with these situations. Normally I see the minor irritation as a direct result of my social anxiety, and something that I need to work on. But then there are the times that I see as something that they need to work on; there are times that they start messing with my stuff.

Readers who have kept diligent notes will recall that on the Tuesday after meeting Ruth and Rachel I was invited to a concert by Ruth. At the time, the details of that evening seemed insignificant and unblogworthy when in reality they set a tone of things to come.

Lessons in Personal Contact

For the past two and a half years, since my forceful reintroduction to being social with real people, in real life, I've put forth considerable effort to change certain things about myself to help ease the pain of this reintroduction. One thing I've worked hard on is personal contact. By personal contact I mean: hugging, shaking hands, and to a lesser extent eye contact.

In my younger days these things all came naturally. I knew when I was supposed to hug someone and when I was supposed to shake someone's hand. According to archaeologists using advanced carbon dating, that knowledge was lost to me sometime between 1992 and 1993 and has since not been rediscovered, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

Over the past year I've come up with ways to compensate for these deficiencies. When meeting someone, male or female I always try to shake their hand. When saying goodbye I try to shake their hand and if I'm feeling the hug vibe then I usually make a joke out of it by saying something like, "We've known each other for too long for a handshake" as I pull them in for the hug. It's cheesy, but it works.

During Christmas break Ruth and Rachel invited me out to have Chick-fil-A with them on their lunch break. I had the week off, so the offer of delicious delicious chicken and time with the twins was a bit of a no brainer. Jay met us there, and Ruth and Rachel ended up bringing a friend from work named Erica.

I sat on the edge of the table with Erica across and Ruth next to me. Erica seemed nice, although she didn't really say much. She was not really eating as she was getting married soon and wanted to shed some weight for the wedding dress or some other such female nonsense. In the midst of wedding talk and work gossip that I didn't understand I focused my attention on the joy that is the Chick-fil-A 12 pack of chicken nuggets.

As the meal reached what I thought to be the end I thought it appropriate to tell Erica it had been nice to meet her and did so. As I did, she reached her hand from under the table to sort of wave and return the gesture. Unfortunately for me, and everyone present, that little part of my brain that makes me think its time to shake hands saw her hand come from under the table, and like an attention starved dog that has been locked up in a house all day, that little part of my brain jumped.

I instinctively went to shake her hand, for a moment forgetting that she was across the table, and that I had to reach across Ruth to do so. I was getting up to leave as I started this motion but, as if to highlight the sheer awkwardness of the situation, nobody else got up. Just to put the final nail in my embarassment coffin Jay chimed in with, "Wow, that was incredibly awkward"

Yes Jay, that was incredibly awkward.

An Urban Family Christmas

This Holiday season Kendall, domestic goddess that she is, decided to throw what she dubbed "The Urban Family Christmas 2006". Okay, I actually added the "The" and the "2006", but mostly because I think it makes it sound more official. The event consisted of a small get together(less than 20 people) at her friend Ben's house where she and her friend Maya would host a small dinner.

Generally speaking, I'd rather go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney than attend a party where I don't know many of the people in attendance, but Kendall seemed excited, so I made an exception. At the time I accepted the invitation I actually thought that I wouldn't know anyone at the party, but the twins ended up making it, and I had met Maya the week prior so I was a bit more comfortable going in.

At the party I got to meet Kendall's younger sister. I believe her name was Kristan, but for the duration of this blog she shall be known as FMJB(The Future Mrs. Jesse B). It was actually a bit freakish how similar the two were. For a moment I wondered if the animatronic, slightly shorter replica of Kendall that I had been building in my basement since an early December repeat-viewing "Weird Science" marathon had sprung to life and come to the party. My fears were laid to rest when I found that this model had the same level of snarkiness, sarcasm and wit as the original, something I was never able to achieve in my version. Only God could stuff that much attitude into such a small frame, and despite what my ex-girlfriends might tell you, I am mortal. All kidding aside, it was nice to meet my future wife.

At any party, one of two Jesse's will show up. First there's the anti-social Jesse who either sits in the corner by himself or grabs a hold of someone he knows' coat tails and holds on for the duration of the party. The other Jesse is the anti-social Jesse who attempts to combat his lack of social ability with humor, which generally leads to excessive obnoxiousness. For this party, it was the former who came out at first until he found himself devoid of coat tails to grab and hands to hold and that is when the latter decided to come out.

I had done quite well for the beginning of the dinner. I was sat next to Ruth and Rachel, and close to Kendall so I was well within friendly territory. Later in the evening I found myself alone. Kendall was talking to Ben. Maya was obsessively preparing gift baskets for the guests. Ruth and Rachel were buried under a pile of would-be-suitors so deep that it would have taken a hand grenade and crowbar just to find them.

I was doing okay, making small talk here and there with others when Maya poked her head around the corner and from the other side of the party shouted to me.

"What kind of beer do you want in your basket?"
"Oh, none for me thanks. I don't drink"
She accepted this for a moment then came back with a follow up, "Are you Mormon Jesse?"

At this point at least a few heads turned to look at me, and somewhat embarrassed by the attention Jesse #2 decided to show his face. After a moment and a quick survey of the room it was on.

"What, because I'm the nerdy white guy who doesn't drink that makes me a Mormon?"
"That dude over there is wearing a tie, not drinking, and polite. Why aren't we religiously categorizing him?"
"Was it Dick Van Patton or Kierkegaard who said, 'If you label me you negate me'?"

I finished my short diatribe to turn and find myself face to face with a very cute short girl that I didn't know. I believe her name was Amber(I remember it started with an A). We talked for a moment before she finally asked...
"So what's the real reason you don't drink?"
I went in to my small speech which basically amounts to, "I'm not sure really. I just never got around to it"
"It's okay, I don't drink either" she said.
"Oh really? Well how come you don't drink?"
"I'm Mormon"

"Good move jackass" I thought to myself as I now started to back peddle while attempting to dislodge the foot that was stuck firmly in my mouth. I made a few inane statements to stall while I regained my bearings, but she cut me off mid-sentence, turned to Maya and said, "Thanks for inviting me" and then left.

"A Jackass named Jesse" or "How I got the +3"

The week after meeting the twins I came to work with a little extra spring in my step. The sun was a bit brighter, the grass was a bit greener. Upon arriving at work I went next door to Sean's office to brag share.

"So how was your weekend dude?" I asked as if a single ounce of me actually cared.
"Pretty good, I went up to the in-laws cab..."
"Yeah, that sounds great, really fantastic for you, glad to hear it. So Friday night...." I went on to tell him the preceding stories of my weekend that have now gone on to blogging fame.

After relating the stories of my weekend to two co-workers I went back to my daily activities, but the stories, the tales... they spread quicker than STD's at a retirement home that has a Viagra machine where a gumball machine should be. Before I knew it people were high fiving me in the halls. Nerds were shouting, "Twins!!! Alright!". Whiteboard drawings were updated... Co-workers were inviting themselves over for meaningless trips.

"Hey, you mind if I come over and grab that DVD? I mean its cool if I borrow it right?"
"They won't be home tonight, they have plans dude."
"Huh? Oh, your neighbors. I don't care about that... But I just remembered I have... uhm... something to do tonight anyhow. Maybe I can come over tomorrow"

My friend Caleb informed me that the other nerds were set to build a statue in my honor and name a mule after me.

By the following week Bill Gates, Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs had come together and unanimously voted me the new king of all nerds.°

One day Rob stopped by my office. Rob is the head of my division, and while he's a cool guy, he doesn't just "pop in" very often. I quickly closed myspace and tried to appear productive.

"Jesse, Do you have a minute?" he asked.
"Yeah, I was just trying to finish that build for the Dutch, but I've got a second"
"Well, you know the Holiday party is coming up soon"
"Yeah"
"We allow each person to bring a guest if they'd like, but in your case we're going to bend the rules and let you bring two."

We both laughed a bit. It wasn't long before Ron, another manager, who happens to be recently single, stopped by and started questioning me and informing me that I had been given the green light on a "+2".

"Yeah, Rob already stopped by. Or is this a thing you guys are going to be doing all day? Did you guys set this up? Should I expect Tim in the next 10 minutes?"

He laughed and continued to give me a hard time. I was going to let it go, but I figured it was time for a little pay back.

"The thing is... well, I feel bad... I mean if I take the twins out all night to our party, then what about their friend Kendall the model? I mean she won't have anything to do all night, and I wouldn't want her to be lonely"

He left and moments later I heard the ring of the floor wide intercom, "Attention, Attention please. Jesse is now allowed to bring 3 people to the company Holiday party"

° Okay, I made that part up. It wasn't unanimous. Linus disagreed, but he's infamous for being a cock block. Screw the Finnish.

I think I'm in Love Pt. 2

I'm going to be out of town until Monday, and chances are without Internet access. I'm currently working on a blog entry detailing the aftermath of my "Weekend with the Twins", but as it's unlikely to be finished any time soon, I thought I'd share a shorter, more recent story.

I've known Ruth and Rachel for almost 3 weeks now. Out of those 3 weeks there have been probably 3 days total where I didn't see one or the other. That leaves roughly 18 days, and in those 18 days there have probably been 30 moments or incidents where one or both of the girls made me stop and take notice. There have been 30 moments where I got a little weak in the knees, or felt a slight tug on the heart. There have been 30 moments where I felt like a kid in 8th grade with a crush on the cute girl in class.

On Tuesday Rachel commented that she was out of toothpaste and Ruthie said the same. I went next door and grabbed a tube of travel sized toothpaste that I had from my last trip to loan to them. I was also running low, but had enough to last the week.

The next day I went to Target and as I got there I called the girls to see if they wanted me to pick them up some toothpaste, and to ask what kind they preferred. Rachel answered and told me that she had gone on her lunch break and gotten some for all 3 of us.

Any girl who will go get you toothpaste on her lunch break is a keeper as far as I'm concerned. And... I think I'm in love.

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Sunday(Resolution)

Note to the reader: This is the final chapter of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the two below first if you haven't already. It should also be noted that this story, while exciting for me, doesn't exactly have an "ending". Therefore, a major portion of this entry may or may not have actually happened.

Sunday I woke up and started to reflect upon the previous two days events. They had hit me like a whirlwind. Suddenly I had cute twins walking in and out of my apartment like they owned the place. It was like I was in an episode Friends. I was Chandler and Ruthie was Monica, and Rachel was... well... Monica. I hadn't made friends this fast with someone since third grade with James, but that may be attributed to the fact that he had a Nintendo, and my family was too poor to afford one. I felt like my life was a giant snow globe, and I had a girl on each side shaking the crap out of me, and I was thrilled.

"But how did this happen?" I wondered to myself. "How did I get from working up the nerve to knock on their door to feeling like I had two new best friends?"

I went looking for answers, and trained my sights on faith first. I decided to seek out the advice of a local Rabbi for help, and hopefully some insight in to the girl's religion.

For the following conversation, the part of the Rabbi should be read with Mel Brook's voice in mind. Why you ask? Because: 1) I'm making this up. 2) I just watched Spaceballs and Mel sorta cracks me up.

"I understand you had some questions concerning Judaism." he asked as he motioned for me to sit.
"Well, here's the deal... I'm starting to wonder if I accidentally married my neighbor in some ancient Jewish ceremony that I didn't understand."
He laughed at my ignorance for a moment then reassured me, "It doesn't work like that. Jewish weddings aren't that different. I'm sure you would have known had you taken part in one."
"It's just so weird, because one night I go to the five and diner with them, and the next thing..."
"Woah, wait... five and diner? Did one of them order a hot water?"
"YES! I thought that was weird. Who does that?"
"Well, that's a tradition from the old times, most people have forgotten it. Technically speaking, by letting her order the hot water you've agreed to take her as your wife."
"Wait... I was just making a joke dude... A little ice breaker. We're married?"
"Technically speaking, yes"
pause
"You know... I always thought I'd marry a girl who had a big ass and wasn't fun. This is awesome."

He nodded in approval and proceeded to answer a few more questions. I shook his hand, thanked him and was about to leave when it hit me.
"You wouldn't happen to know which one it was that I married would you?"
"Meshugina"

After that I visited my mom, and then went to a bar to watch the game with my sister and her people.

"They seem really nice, but I think that Ruth might be a little bossy" Geremy told my sister.
"Oh, then she is perfect for Jesse. You'd better lock that up. You should have brought them today" she said.
"I'm pretty sure they had stuff to do, and I'd assume by now they've had enough Jesse time for the weekend" I informed her.

As if in answer my statement that they were tired of me, a few minutes later my phone buzzed and I picked it up to find a text message from Ruth inviting me to a concert on Tuesday.

I got home later in the night and pulled in at the same time as the twins did. They told me they were having a small get together at their house and that I should come by. I met their friend Mike, who was cool, and seemed to be a slight computer nerd too, and their other friend Kendall. Kendall is a tall, beautiful, ex-model. I had overheard in conversation earlier that you had to be 6'3 or taller to ride that ride so I immediately wrote her off. Short guys need love too. (More on that in a later blog)

I was doing laundry while they were making food. I returned from my white T-Shirt folding to find Ruth laying in an odd spot on the floor. This is nothing out of the ordinary, but the fact that she was in pain was out of the ordinary. Apparently, while I was out, she had had a slight accident with a cookie sheet and burned her stomach. It's my belief, and I'm sure the reader will agree with me here, that the burning of the stomach was just a ploy for my attention. Her gamble paid off, and despite her protests, I took her to the Walgreen's to get some burn ointment. As we walked out she said, "You want to help me put it on?" and lifted up her shirt a little to reveal the burn on her lower stomach. At that point I fainted. She put me in my car and drove us home.

The twins had told me earlier that on "school nights" they had to be in bed by 11, so as soon as the clock struck 11 I pushed everyone out of their condo and went home myself. As I got ready for bed I went to use the restroom, and for the first time in almost a year of living there I closed the bathroom door. You never know when somebody is going to come barging in these days.

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Saturday(Rising Action)

Note to the reader: This is part two of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the one below first if you haven't already. Like most 3 part stories, this one is kind of long and boring(Empire Strikes Back excluded). I promise to bring the punny a little more in part 3.

On Saturday I woke up at around 7:50. I had assumed, incorrectly, that Geremy would call me when they were leaving to hike. Geremy had assumed, also incorrectly, that at a few months shy of 30 I was a big enough boy to set my alarm properly. I'm actually normally very punctual, but in this case I had been out until 3 or 4, and then spent the next two hours lying in my bed trying to sleep with a cheesy grin on my face giggling like a school girl(Read: Stressing over every detail of the previous night).

I called Geremy and he told me they were almost to the mountain. At this point I panicked just a small bit. I was the contact for the twins, Allen, and indirectly a guy who lives in my building, and I was more than just a tad tardy. The major issue here was that Harold had to be at work early, so we had to get the hiking on ASAP.

I ran next door to see if the girls were awake, but they seemed to be in even worse shape than I was. I'm assuming they stayed up all night giggling and talking about how cute their neighbor is, which resulted in a fight over me, possibly involving pillows, but if you remember from the above paragraph, my assumptions are quite often wrong. They weren't feeling very decisive or coherent, so eventually I had to take charge and tell them to go back to bed. Allen lives a ways a way so I had to call him and tell him that I had blown it for him too as there wasn't time to wait on him. As always, he was cool. Feeling a bit like a jackass who just back stabbed someone and voted them off the island I headed off for the mountain.

The hike was a great time as usual. This particular trip featured guest appearances by Geremy, Harold, and Josephine. After the hike Geremy and Joe decided to come back to my house to watch G's Carlos Mencia DVD, and grab some lunch.

Ruth had text messaged me while I was on my way home letting me know that she'd be by the pool. As we got to my condo and stepped out on the balcony, which overlooks the pool, we saw Ruth directly below us wearing quite the bathing suit. It's 11 floors away, so the view wasn't that great, but before I could run to grab my binoculars Geremy decided a better idea would be to throw water off the balcony and see if he could hit her. After a few shouts back and forth Ruth left the pool and a minute later walked right in to my condo and sat on the couch.

After the DVD she had to leave to get ready for a party at 2. She had invited us all to go with her. I wasn't sure if it was an invite to be polite, or an invite due to sincere desire for our presence, but she zipped off before too much discussion. My friends left, and I took a shower. I was still unsure if I was going to a party or not, but a bit later I was sitting at my computer and Rachel walked in, told me we were going to be late, and dragged me out the door before I could protest(Not that I would have).

Jay came with us to the "party", which was more of a large lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Jay being there helped me out since he is pretty talkative, and that saves me from making an ass out of myself. There were at least 40 people there, and I spent a good time just observing and paying attention to others.

My post-party plan for the evening was to visit my mom and then go watch the Sun's game with Miranda and Geremy, but as I left my condo I knocked on the neighbor's door to give them a hard time about always being late(There were voices inside the condo, and they were supposed to have left by then). It turned out that only Ruth was home, which I guess makes her the late one. She invited me in, and we ended up talking for probably at least an hour. Somewhere in the middle the topic turned to myspace.

"We should be myspace friends!" she said with this big smile.
"Myspace... yeah... uhm... well... here's the deal... You see, I keep this uhm... blog."
"Cool"
"Well, it's about me sucking with women, but not really... it's uhm... well, it's supposed to be funny"
"Okay?"
"Well..." deep breath, "There may be a story about you and your sister that I wrote like a month ago up there."

At this point it probably could have gone a lot of ways, but she seemed excited, and insisted upon reading it. She also insisted upon me sitting there while she read it. It would be a gross understatement to say that I was slightly uneasy while she read a blog entry titled, "I think I'm in love" that I had written about her, a month before really knowing anything about her, all while I sat two feet away.

After a few nervous moments that included a lot of laughing by her, she finished and told me she loved it and couldn't wait to show her mom. My uneasiness gone, I headed out and met up with my family. The Sun's finally won, and I had a good time.

I finally got back to my house around 11 and having gotten less than 3 hours of sleep the night before, along with my very active day, my body had reached a whole new level of exhaustion. My brother called, drunk and at a party, to tell me about some girl who was in to me, but I was too tired to listen. I hung up and laid down. After what I thought was a few moments I heard from the hallway, "Jesse, are you awake?"

I put my pants on, got my bearings and opened my door to find both of my neighbors outside of my door. One was sitting on the floor, and I was really confused. I picked her up and took them to their condo. I'd love to recount for the reader what happened, but to be honest I don't remember. My stomach hurt really bad and I was trying to think of a polite way to leave. In my tiredness, I believe the best I could come up with was interrupting one of them mid-sentence with "I'm tired" and leaving.

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Friday(Exposition)

Note to the reader: I had every intention of doing 2 or 3 posts for "reader participation week". So far that's been a bust, and I had such a crazy weekend that I'd like to commit as much as possible to the blog, so we'll either delay, or just skip the other posts. Since I'm constantly told that my entries are "too long" this weekend will be broken in to 3 posts to cover the 3 days.

On Thursday evening I ran in to my neighbor Maria and she told me she was having a little get together at her house late Friday night. I was planning on hiking with the people's early Saturday, so I had planned on stopping by, but not hanging out for long. Jesse from 2 years ago would have just been anti-social and not gone since I wouldn't know anyone who would be there, but today's Jesse has a commitment to being socialer.

On Friday I walked by one of my neighbor twins downstairs. I kept telling myself that if I bumped in to them I should invite them hiking with us since it would be a good way to get to know them, and probably isn't too forward, but as I walked past I kind of choked and let the moment pass. I later found myself alone in my condo, and I'm not sure what got in to me, but I decided I should just get some sack, walk across the hall and invite them. I probably spent a good 5-10 minutes arguing with myself in my head.

"What if they think you're a total spaz. That's going to make those passings in the hallway awkward"
"It's just hiking dude, it's not like you're asking them to marry you, this isn't a big deal"
"Just don't say anything like, 'Hi, you're pretty. I like boobies'"

Finally I pushed all the thoughts aside and went over and knocked. One of the girls answered the door, and I said quite proudly, "Hi, you're pretty. I like boobies"

Okay, I actually just asked if they wanted to go hiking, but it could have very easily gone the other way given my track record. I was expecting a "Hmm, maybe" or something of that nature, but as I finished her face lit up and she said, "I'd love to go hiking." She went to get her sister who also seemed to like the idea. She then told me I'd need to get their numbers so I could wake them in the morning. We exchanged numbers and talked for a bit.

"Are you going to Maria's party?" one of the sisters asked.
"I was considering stopping by"
"Well, we'll stop by and get you before we go."

Maria's door is a good 10 feet away from mine, so I probably could have found it on my own, but when two cute twins offer to swing by and pick you up you nod, smile, and try to say something in response that, in my case, normally comes out something like, "Garsh, that'd be swell." A while later they knocked on my door and I went down with them. At this point I also met their friend Jay who was accompanying them.

Before I knew it I was knee deep in conversation on the balcony trying to figure out which twin I was talking to. Keeping up with them was tough, but I did my best. After a long while of hanging out someone decided they were hungry and they announced they were leaving to go get food. I wasn't quite sure if "They" were leaving or if "We" were leaving, but as they got up Ruth(Who I had figured out was the one I was talking to) looked at me and said something like, "Well, come on," and I was more than happy to follow.

After a meal at the Five and Diner and a trip to walk their brother's dog I found myself on the roof of our building playing the guitar for Ruth as she fell asleep. I think it was 3 or 4 am at that point so I walked them downstairs to their condo and then went across the hall and fell into my bed.

Before everyone(Read: Mom) starts practicing "Hava Nagila" and picking out glasses for me to stomp on, it should be noted that both girls are taken.

I think I'm in love

Note to the reader: Since college I've had a habit of not making my point completely clear when I write. For my personal writing(Read: this blog) my mission is to take a mole hill of some small event and make a mountain out of it. Often times though, I believe the point gets buried under this newly assembled mountain. With that in mind, today's entry will be followed by a factual and hopefully non-ambiguous translation.

Early last week I heard a ruckus outside my door. Nobody lives on my end of the building... at least not on my floor, so I poked my head out to see what was going on. I was surprised to find that my neighbors across the hall were moving in. It was an older couple. By older I mean older than me(Roughly my parent's age?). The woman introduced herself and her husband as Helen and Steve (Respectively, but if you were too slow to figure that out, I'd rather you just quit reading right now). At least I believe those were the names she gave me. I'm not good with names as it is, and I've only got so much storage capacity for names in my noggin. I promptly forgot the names because they weren't cute girls, which my building seems to be filling up with as of late. It's nothing personal against Steve and Helen, they just didn't make the cut.

Helen and I talked for a bit about the building, neighbors, etc. and as I was leaving I said,
"Well, welcome to the building"
"Oh, we don't live here." She chuckled, "This is our daughters' place"
"Helen did you say it was?"

I ran into Helen a few more times as the week passed. She told me her daughters would be coming from New York on Friday. She was really friendly and nice, so I was optimistic that my new neighbors would be too, assuming the apple hadn't fallen far from the tree. Of course I was hoping for a cute daughter who was in to short nerds, but I'd have taken someone nice and relatively respectful of the noise level.

On Saturday I ran into their brother who was carrying things up and down. I tried to make some small talk with him, but he didn't really seem that interested. I believe it was mostly him, his two sisters, and his mom, and I can imagine the frustration that that could bring. He had a younger kid with him. Possibly his son. We talked for a few seconds about playing the guitar while I waited for my car to be brought up by the vallet.

By this time I had met the entire family aside from the girls themselves, and to say that I was a little curious would be an understatement. Later on in the day I returned, and as I approached my door I noticed theirs was about half way open.

Since moving in I've been quite curious about condo etiquette. Do I say hello to everyone? Do I make small talk? Do I introduce myself? I'm never quite sure, and everyone I've asked seems to give me a different answer. As a huge nerd, and someone who leans towards anti-social, my gut instinct would be to avoid eye contact, hug the walls, and stare at my feet. If the past two years have taught me anything, it's that my gut is always wrong.

As I approached my door, bags in hand, I figured it was probably rude to peek into someone else's condo and introduce yourself, but as I turned to unlock my door I realized it's also probably rude to turn your back to your new neighbor and not introduce yourself. I turned to sneak a peek and see if anyone was looking out, and I got caught! Sitting in the condo staring back at me was one of my new neighbors. Luckily she was pretty nice, smiled and said hi with a little wave. Of course a cute girl waving and saying hi turned me into a complete idiot. I attempted to wave back, but then realized my hands were full. It occurred to me that setting everything down would allow me to wave, but it didn't occur to me at that moment that setting them down on the table in my condo wasn't the best place for that. As I set everything down, I heard the self closing front door slam shut. "I'm sure that was friendly" I thought to myself.

Later in the evening I passed by the entire family exiting as I walked to my condo. They were mid-conversation discussing their disappointment with the garbage chute.
"What kind of garbage chute do we have here?" one of the sisters asked me.
"The small kind?" I asked back. "It's pretty worthless really. I just walk my garbage out to the dumpster"

At this point I got my first real look at my new neighbors. They're both very cute brunette girls with nerdy type glasses, which I adore. They both look quite similar, and I'm guessing might be twins. They were both taller than I am, but for these girls, I'd grow.

"Have you met your neighbor yet?" Helen asked them in that motherly way.
"Hi" they said, and I returned the welcome.
At that point we had passed, and I kept walking.
"What's your name?" one asked.
"Jesse"
"We're Ruth and Rachel"

I went to make some slight joke about the fact that they look very similar such as, "Don't hold me to that", or "I hope there's not a quiz later", but I kind of blew it.

I ran into them a couple of times on Sunday, and the second time they, along with their mother, were outside trying to get a very large dresser(still in the box) out of their SUV. They really seemed perplexed as to how they were going to get this large object out. I passed by thinking, "Wow, I'll be impressed if those three girls can lift that thing on their own." About two steps past their car I mentally smacked myself in the head and did the bugs bunny skid/stop/turn on one foot. I offered to help which they accepted and I made two trips with them and their dressers. I butchered my way through some small talk on the rides up, but they seemed pretty nice and kept the conversation up despite my social inability.

I think I'm in love.

Translation: I met my new neighbors this weekend. They're two girls. They seem nice and cute.