Wednesday, December 06, 2006

"A Jackass named Jesse" or "How I got the +3"

The week after meeting the twins I came to work with a little extra spring in my step. The sun was a bit brighter, the grass was a bit greener. Upon arriving at work I went next door to Sean's office to brag share.

"So how was your weekend dude?" I asked as if a single ounce of me actually cared.
"Pretty good, I went up to the in-laws cab..."
"Yeah, that sounds great, really fantastic for you, glad to hear it. So Friday night...." I went on to tell him the preceding stories of my weekend that have now gone on to blogging fame.

After relating the stories of my weekend to two co-workers I went back to my daily activities, but the stories, the tales... they spread quicker than STD's at a retirement home that has a Viagra machine where a gumball machine should be. Before I knew it people were high fiving me in the halls. Nerds were shouting, "Twins!!! Alright!". Whiteboard drawings were updated... Co-workers were inviting themselves over for meaningless trips.

"Hey, you mind if I come over and grab that DVD? I mean its cool if I borrow it right?"
"They won't be home tonight, they have plans dude."
"Huh? Oh, your neighbors. I don't care about that... But I just remembered I have... uhm... something to do tonight anyhow. Maybe I can come over tomorrow"

My friend Caleb informed me that the other nerds were set to build a statue in my honor and name a mule after me.

By the following week Bill Gates, Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs had come together and unanimously voted me the new king of all nerds.°

One day Rob stopped by my office. Rob is the head of my division, and while he's a cool guy, he doesn't just "pop in" very often. I quickly closed myspace and tried to appear productive.

"Jesse, Do you have a minute?" he asked.
"Yeah, I was just trying to finish that build for the Dutch, but I've got a second"
"Well, you know the Holiday party is coming up soon"
"We allow each person to bring a guest if they'd like, but in your case we're going to bend the rules and let you bring two."

We both laughed a bit. It wasn't long before Ron, another manager, who happens to be recently single, stopped by and started questioning me and informing me that I had been given the green light on a "+2".

"Yeah, Rob already stopped by. Or is this a thing you guys are going to be doing all day? Did you guys set this up? Should I expect Tim in the next 10 minutes?"

He laughed and continued to give me a hard time. I was going to let it go, but I figured it was time for a little pay back.

"The thing is... well, I feel bad... I mean if I take the twins out all night to our party, then what about their friend Kendall the model? I mean she won't have anything to do all night, and I wouldn't want her to be lonely"

He left and moments later I heard the ring of the floor wide intercom, "Attention, Attention please. Jesse is now allowed to bring 3 people to the company Holiday party"

° Okay, I made that part up. It wasn't unanimous. Linus disagreed, but he's infamous for being a cock block. Screw the Finnish.


  1. you work at Initech?

    When you described your bosses popping by your office, I was forcibly reminded of Office Space.

  2. Oh, Office Space almost isn't funny because it's so accurate.

  3. This will be a Holiday Party never to be forgotten! Your co-workers are gonna think you're a pimp man :-) By the way, I loved the analogy of "STDs at a nursing home..." Nasty, but I definately get the idea.