Sunday, July 20, 2008

Nerd Games: Rose Wedding Bingo

Rose, one of my best friends in the whole world gets married next Sunday. We had a pact that if neither of us were married by the time she hit 30 we'd just marry each other. Rose turns 29 in January, so I'll let you draw your own conclusions about her upcoming marriage. I'm just saying that fear is a powerful motivator.

With Rose's wedding I've decided to start a new tradition. I've invented a game that I call "Rose Wedding Bingo". The rules are simple.

Rose Wedding Bingo
1. Think of as many humorous things that could happen as possible and write a list.

2. Randomly pick 24 things from the list and lay them out on a 5x5 grid. The middle square is the "Free Square"

3. As the things happen at the wedding, cross them off from your bingo card. The first person to form a line wins.

Sample List(The * indicates ones that I picked for my card):
Jesse hits on a bridesmaid*

Rose calls Zach "Jesse"*

Rose calls Jesse "Zach"*

Jen knocks a flower girl out while the bouquet is being tossed*

Jesse knocks the ring bearer out while trying to catch the garter *

Heidi makes an inappropriate(Albeit hilarious) joke in front of Mr. Halterman*

Rose says Jesse's name during the ceremony

At least two members of Zach's family get drunk and say something inappropriate

Rose throws a fit and leaves for 20 minutes*

Jesse tries to bring her back by telling her her hair looks pretty.*

Rose yells, "FINE" at least twice

Rose yells, "WHATEVER" at least twice

Rose says, "I don't even care anymore"*

Rose tells Jesse to "SHUT UP"*

Zach gets drunk and tells everyone how much he loves them*

Rose gets drunk and tells everyone how much she hates them*

Rose refuses to do the Chicken Dance

Rose cries at the end because she doesn't want everyone to leave.

Rose reminds everyone that it's her day.*

Andy sings a song for the "Love Birds" *

Andy (unintentionally) lands the bridesmaid that Jesse hit on*


Dawn sings a song for Rose(How do you solve a problem like Rose)*

A member of the bridal party throws up.

Rose gets fed up with her hair before the wedding and does something rash.

Rose wears teal makeup.*

Rose misses the something old, something new or something borrowed, but way over does it on the something blue.*

Sara asks for a new roommate after the first night.*

Jesse wears a tuxedo shirt at some point during the weekend.

Jeff says something so dry it's arid.*

Groomsman shows up drunk or hungover

Someone misplaces the rings

Flower Girl cries

Ring Bearer throws a tantrum.

Jesse quotes wedding crashers

Rose says, "GROSS"

Rose shoves cake in Zach's face as he's saying something nice like, "I could never do something like that to you"

Rose mentions mouth herpes*

Zach accidentally breaks something insignificant and Rose gets very upset.*

Rose considers eloping the night before the wedding.*

Sample Card(Click for full size):

If you'll be attending the wedding feel free to make your own card and/or comment on things to add to my list. I'll update the post if I get any new good ones. If you won't be attending the wedding feel free to make a card up for a wedding that you will be attending in the near future.

Friday, July 18, 2008

A Series of Open Letters

Christopher Nolan - Writer, Directory, Producer of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight

First of all. Wow. Just wow. You nailed it. Very very awesome movie. From the bottom of my nerd heart, thanks.

Did it really have to be 2 and a half hours long? Peter Jackson called, he wants his shtick back. There are those of us with small bladders in the audience who have issues with a 150 minute long movie, and in the case of yours there was never a "Man this would be a good time to get up" moment. Considering the entire 150 minutes was like 6 hours worth of awesome I can forgive you, but why not kick it old school and throw an intermission in there? I'm just saying.

Thanks again, and I hope the day is treating you well.

My Future Self,

Sure, that 32 oz slushy at the gas station on the way to the movie seems like it'll be the perfect pick me up to get you through that midnight showing, but you're a little dude. 32 oz is a bit much. We both know you're going to get a drink at the theater too. Let's not over do it next time. Okay?

You're looking good today by the way. Have you been working out?

Erin - The cute girl behind the counter at the AMC 20 concession stand,

Was it really necessary to remind me that I could upgrade to a large soda for only 50 cents more? Of course I knew that going in. I can read and do math in my head. But you were aware of that. You took one look at me and knew that the perky way you asked me with a slight tilt of the head and cute grin would be more than my nerd heart could resist. You'd sold that 44 ouncer before I had even ordered.

I think I might love you despite your manipulation.

The Manager of the AMC 20 at Westgate,

I applaud you for opening up extra theaters to accommodate all the people wanting to see The Dark Knight on opening day. Here's the deal though... You've got 20 theaters that are normally staggered with show times. When one movie lets out there's a rush to the bathroom, but it's not so bad because there's only one or two movies letting out at a time. When all 20 theaters start playing the same movie at 12:01, then all 20 theaters let out at the same time. When this happens it's a running of the bulls type situation that is only exacerbated when it's a long movie. It's pandemonium. Come on baby, you're better than that.

All I'm saying is you could stagger them just a little. Have your 12:00, but also throw some 12:15's and 12:30's out there. If people didn't buy their tickets ahead of time, then they should be happy with the 12:30.



Thank you for making my S2000 capable of 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds and even bigger thanks for making it able to corner well at 40 miles an hour. Much appreciated.


The Manager of the Mobile on the Run at 91st and Camelback,

Screw you. Who closes a gas station from 1am to 3am? "On the Run" my ass.



This morning you may have noticed what appears to be a tire skid mark where someone e-brake slid their car into your driveway. You may also notice that someone "watered" one of the trees in your back yard in a non-traditional way. I can't imagine who would do such a thing, but I personally suspect one of Miranda's friends. Those kids have no respect.

Thanks for always being there and especially for living close to the theater.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

From the Inbox: How to End a Blog

On Saturday as the clock struck midnight my phone once again chirped at me. "Ana's 23rd Birthday". Two years ago to the day had been both the peak and end of our "Relationship", but for some reason I never took the time to finish that part of the story.

Last year I bumped in to her one day, and then a few months later a bunch of pictures of her in Guatemala showed up on my flickr friend list. The meeting was very short and awkward. We emailed a few times, but that too was somewhat awkward. She asked me what had happened to us, which was odd since she had decided to cut off all contact. She had started dating someone, and to my surprise that meant we could no longer see each other.

Instead of answering the question and playing the game I decided to instead write her the end of our story the way I had wanted to. She was the original inspiration for this blog, so it only seemed fitting to write an end to the story. The first half of this email is complete fact, but it soon takes a few liberties. I'll leave the separation of fact from fiction as an exercise to the reader.

The other day the guys asked me to go to lunch with them. I've had a bit of a falling out with some of the other nerds as of late, so I hadn't been going to lunch with the gang. For some odd reason though, I decided to go.

"What!?! You guys want to drive all the way to In-N-Out? That'll take forever" I protested when told the destination of choice.
"It's all freeway, it'll be quick. Quit your whining"
"Meh, it's not like I was getting any work done anyhow"

There's just something about going back to the old stomping grounds that I spent my young adult life( Tempe ). It seems like I generally run in to someone, and more often than not it's someone I don't want to run in to. As we entered I did a quick glance around and didn't notice anyone familiar. With a sigh of relief I placed my order and like a herded cow moved my way slowly through the people towards the drink dispenser. As I did, the people parted like a wave and from across the room I saw a familiar set of eyes. A dark pair of eyes that I had missed and tried to forget for some time. Her hair had changed. The way she held herself had changed... it had only been six months right? The one thing that hadn't changed was the smile. It was Ana... It was the Chilean princess of yesteryear... And I was... scared?

It had been almost 3 years since this girl had intimidated me, but the feeling was quickly familiar. It had been a while, and things hadn't exactly ended in the most optimal aways. I suppose it was the only way they could have ended, but it still seemed far from perfect.

She got up from her table and we politely exchanged hello's. I asked about her job, and she introduced me to her co-workers, but their names quickly evaded the grasp of my memory as my focus was on her.

After the typical small talk that everyone has and no one
remembers, I got brave.

"Maybe we should do lunch or something sometime. I'll by you Subway" I asked in reference to how we met.
"I'd like that" she said coyly. "You still have my number?"
"Of course"

3 days later we met and had Turkey Breast sandwiches at a Subway in Mesa . The ice quickly melted and it wasn't long before I remembered all the things that had drawn me to her in the first place.

2 years later I proposed on a beach in Hawaii on vacation. She said yes, and we were wed on a Cliff overlooking the ocean in Chile the following year.

We now keep both my condo in Phoenix, and a small house in Guatemala where we spend the majority of our time. We started a website that helps match nerds with girls who need a good man. It provides feedback and helpful hints. She does the content, I do the administration. Luckily, we're able to work abroad and still afford to live happily and care for our five children.

The End.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Nerd Word(s): THAT (guy)

THAT (guy)
- proper noun

1. A person who fits well in to a (generally negative) stereotype or cliche.

[ Origin: The first time I remember hearing the phrase was Jeremy Piven in PCU(1994) when he says, "What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy." I'm sure it was seen much earlier than that though. ]

- usage
1. "You were so THAT guy for her. You bought her flowers. You met her mom. You totally played the role just to get in to her pants."
2. "I got totally hammered at the party after my ex showed up and was THAT guy all night"

- examples
1. Anyone over 21 who has asked other people to kick in for gas on a trip that was less than 100 miles.
2. Anyone over 24 who has gotten in an argument over who was "more fucked up".

3. Anyone who gets angry enough during a sporting event to make his or her companions scared.

4. An iPerson who is just salivating for the new iProduct.

5. Any guy who has ever said, "The band is going to make it"

6. A nerd with a blog that mostly focuses on his failures with women.

Max's Birthday

I have a long standing tradition of recording odd dates in my phone so that I remember them the following year and surprise people. It's a generally good idea to know birthdays and such, but at times I take it to slight extremes just for the humor involved.

"Hey dude, your anniversary is next week. Don't screw it up this year"
"Hey, isn't it your ex-baby sitter's birthday? You should get her something"

In early March the phone let me know that Max's birthday was approaching. Max is my mother's Silky Terrier, constant companion, and fourth child. I'm not saying she loves the dog more than her children, but I am saying she's one dog sized Gucci handbag and owner-dog matching sweater set away from being that lady.

We hadn't had any fun with mom in a while, so I called my sisters Anna and Miranda and got the plan set in motion. Dad was supposed to distract mom while we decorated the house and prepared.

Miranda Baked a cake and bought small "Doggy Bags". Anna decorated with streamers. I bought party favors and made a mixed CD:

1. Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men
2. Who Am I? - Snoop Doggy Dogg
3. Hound Dog - Elvis Presley

Dad's distraction didn't last quite long enough, but asking someone to keep mom from home after work day is like asking a midget to tackle Barry Sanders in the open field. Sure, it might happen, but the odds aren't in your favor.

Eventually she got home and we had our little party. As lame as it was, the dogs really seemed to enjoy themselves, and so did mom.


Max slobbering on blowing out the candle.


Tonka rocking the birthday hat. Pepper desperately trying to get in a picture.


Anna and Jack showing off their hats. Pepper still trying to get in a picture.


Max being restrained by mom(It's the only time he's still)

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

How To Introduce Yourself With Style

This is my #1 girl Rose, and her fiance Zach:


Zach is basically Jesse 2.0. He's shorter. He's calmer. He's got better hair. He's all together a pleasure to be around. So, it's with little reluctance that I give this union my blessing. Sure, I feel a little like a Hugh Hefner girlfriend who just turned 35. Nobody wants to be replaced by the newer, fancier model, but in this case it's okay.

The wedding is this summer in Chicago. Money has been a little tight, and as I was budgeting for the trip I was coming up a bit short. Rose mentioned that some of her friends were looking to share a room and pointed me to her friend Teresa. Rose sent Teresa an email and at the same time I got one from another mutual friend, Sara. Now I was in a bit of a predicament since I had two possibilities on the table. I decided to go straight to the source and straighten things out with an email to Teresa.

Meeting someone face to face I have a crippling amount of self consciousness, but in a digital medium I overcompensate for that with too much writing. If you haven't figured that out by now, you haven't been paying attention. Any normal human being would sit down and write a short letter explaining the situation.


Rose mentioned you might want a roommate for the weekend of her wedding. I too am interested in sharing a room. Please contact me at: 555-555-5555 if you are interested.


This letter probably would have worked out wonderfully. Unfortunately it's not the one that I sent.

This one is:

T Money Money,

I think Rose may have sent you an email about room sharing on my behalf. This latest economic crunch has finally hit me, and I find myself trying to make a dollar out of a dime and a nickle. Being the good Christian that I am, I wouldn't normally consider sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex (pre-marriage), but times are hard and I'm sure the Gee Oh Double Dizzle will forgive me.

On a (somewhat) serious note... I'm looking for a roommate for the weekend and Rose said you don't snore and might be interested in shacking up with a short nerd for the weekend. I know what you're thinking, "I could probably room with any number of people, why choose this guy?". Well, I'm glad you asked Teresa. We asked 100 people that question and the top 7 answers are on the board.

1. I was a lion tamer in the circus for over 8 years. In the event of a lion attack you can rest assured that you're safe.

2. If I'm not drinking, I'm a perfect gentlemen, so need to worry about some creepy guy hitting on you all night while you're trying to catch your zzz's.

3. I have a top secret security clearance in case the FBI gets involved and you need someone to handle the situation.

4. I always leave the toilet seat down.

5. I only drink at weddings.

6. I know some awesome card tricks that are sure to impress, and unlike most magicians, I'll actually tell you the secret.

7. You already live with Rose and tolerate her. Rose is basically just like me except she's funnier and has prettier hair. On the plus side I'm less cranky.

If you'd like to be my roommate for the weekend all I need is a 300 word essay describing why you'd like to spend a weekend in Chicago sharing a hotel with me. The winner of this contest will be selected based on total whim and is not subject to any rules or laws.

Also.... Rose's friend Sara recently emailed me asking about room sharing. Let me know your status as soon as possible so we can work everything out. I personally wouldn't be opposed to splitting a room 3 ways, but I don't know where you guys would sit on that idea. (The French have a word for that, but I don't remember it off the top of my head).

Feel free to email me back, or call(555-555-5555).


4 of the 7 bullets above are true.. I'm not telling which ones though

Needless to say, Teresa will be staying with Peggy.

Feel free to stop by Rose's blog and say hello, or just give her a congrats on the wedding. It's an okay blog, but I think we can all agree not as good as mine.