Tuesday, July 01, 2008

How To Introduce Yourself With Style

This is my #1 girl Rose, and her fiance Zach:


Zach is basically Jesse 2.0. He's shorter. He's calmer. He's got better hair. He's all together a pleasure to be around. So, it's with little reluctance that I give this union my blessing. Sure, I feel a little like a Hugh Hefner girlfriend who just turned 35. Nobody wants to be replaced by the newer, fancier model, but in this case it's okay.

The wedding is this summer in Chicago. Money has been a little tight, and as I was budgeting for the trip I was coming up a bit short. Rose mentioned that some of her friends were looking to share a room and pointed me to her friend Teresa. Rose sent Teresa an email and at the same time I got one from another mutual friend, Sara. Now I was in a bit of a predicament since I had two possibilities on the table. I decided to go straight to the source and straighten things out with an email to Teresa.

Meeting someone face to face I have a crippling amount of self consciousness, but in a digital medium I overcompensate for that with too much writing. If you haven't figured that out by now, you haven't been paying attention. Any normal human being would sit down and write a short letter explaining the situation.


Rose mentioned you might want a roommate for the weekend of her wedding. I too am interested in sharing a room. Please contact me at: 555-555-5555 if you are interested.


This letter probably would have worked out wonderfully. Unfortunately it's not the one that I sent.

This one is:

T Money Money,

I think Rose may have sent you an email about room sharing on my behalf. This latest economic crunch has finally hit me, and I find myself trying to make a dollar out of a dime and a nickle. Being the good Christian that I am, I wouldn't normally consider sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex (pre-marriage), but times are hard and I'm sure the Gee Oh Double Dizzle will forgive me.

On a (somewhat) serious note... I'm looking for a roommate for the weekend and Rose said you don't snore and might be interested in shacking up with a short nerd for the weekend. I know what you're thinking, "I could probably room with any number of people, why choose this guy?". Well, I'm glad you asked Teresa. We asked 100 people that question and the top 7 answers are on the board.

1. I was a lion tamer in the circus for over 8 years. In the event of a lion attack you can rest assured that you're safe.

2. If I'm not drinking, I'm a perfect gentlemen, so need to worry about some creepy guy hitting on you all night while you're trying to catch your zzz's.

3. I have a top secret security clearance in case the FBI gets involved and you need someone to handle the situation.

4. I always leave the toilet seat down.

5. I only drink at weddings.

6. I know some awesome card tricks that are sure to impress, and unlike most magicians, I'll actually tell you the secret.

7. You already live with Rose and tolerate her. Rose is basically just like me except she's funnier and has prettier hair. On the plus side I'm less cranky.

If you'd like to be my roommate for the weekend all I need is a 300 word essay describing why you'd like to spend a weekend in Chicago sharing a hotel with me. The winner of this contest will be selected based on total whim and is not subject to any rules or laws.

Also.... Rose's friend Sara recently emailed me asking about room sharing. Let me know your status as soon as possible so we can work everything out. I personally wouldn't be opposed to splitting a room 3 ways, but I don't know where you guys would sit on that idea. (The French have a word for that, but I don't remember it off the top of my head).

Feel free to email me back, or call(555-555-5555).


4 of the 7 bullets above are true.. I'm not telling which ones though

Needless to say, Teresa will be staying with Peggy.

Feel free to stop by Rose's blog and say hello, or just give her a congrats on the wedding. It's an okay blog, but I think we can all agree not as good as mine.


  1. you certainly are a bit wordy... ;)

    but I'll be happy to room with ya!

  2. WOW, Jesse...WOW! That was a bad ass email! I miss you man!

  3. Number 4 is definitely true. I thought everyone knew that you leave the seat down cuz you're afraid of your Prince Albert making a huge mess.

  4. Sara,
    I'll promise to be less wordy in Chicago if you promise to do something crazy and blog-worthy. I need something to write about.

    Hope things are going well. Good news is that the Landmark is looking a little better.


  5. bwahahahah

    That was damn funny.

    On a side note - did you know that everyone has a superhero name? the trick is - to find out what yours is. And - no- you cannot name yourself. You have to leave that up to your friends...

    Better hope you've been payin that Friend Bill lately!!