Tuesday, January 23, 2007

An Urban Family Christmas

This Holiday season Kendall, domestic goddess that she is, decided to throw what she dubbed "The Urban Family Christmas 2006". Okay, I actually added the "The" and the "2006", but mostly because I think it makes it sound more official. The event consisted of a small get together(less than 20 people) at her friend Ben's house where she and her friend Maya would host a small dinner.

Generally speaking, I'd rather go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney than attend a party where I don't know many of the people in attendance, but Kendall seemed excited, so I made an exception. At the time I accepted the invitation I actually thought that I wouldn't know anyone at the party, but the twins ended up making it, and I had met Maya the week prior so I was a bit more comfortable going in.

At the party I got to meet Kendall's younger sister. I believe her name was Kristan, but for the duration of this blog she shall be known as FMJB(The Future Mrs. Jesse B). It was actually a bit freakish how similar the two were. For a moment I wondered if the animatronic, slightly shorter replica of Kendall that I had been building in my basement since an early December repeat-viewing "Weird Science" marathon had sprung to life and come to the party. My fears were laid to rest when I found that this model had the same level of snarkiness, sarcasm and wit as the original, something I was never able to achieve in my version. Only God could stuff that much attitude into such a small frame, and despite what my ex-girlfriends might tell you, I am mortal. All kidding aside, it was nice to meet my future wife.

At any party, one of two Jesse's will show up. First there's the anti-social Jesse who either sits in the corner by himself or grabs a hold of someone he knows' coat tails and holds on for the duration of the party. The other Jesse is the anti-social Jesse who attempts to combat his lack of social ability with humor, which generally leads to excessive obnoxiousness. For this party, it was the former who came out at first until he found himself devoid of coat tails to grab and hands to hold and that is when the latter decided to come out.

I had done quite well for the beginning of the dinner. I was sat next to Ruth and Rachel, and close to Kendall so I was well within friendly territory. Later in the evening I found myself alone. Kendall was talking to Ben. Maya was obsessively preparing gift baskets for the guests. Ruth and Rachel were buried under a pile of would-be-suitors so deep that it would have taken a hand grenade and crowbar just to find them.

I was doing okay, making small talk here and there with others when Maya poked her head around the corner and from the other side of the party shouted to me.

"What kind of beer do you want in your basket?"
"Oh, none for me thanks. I don't drink"
She accepted this for a moment then came back with a follow up, "Are you Mormon Jesse?"

At this point at least a few heads turned to look at me, and somewhat embarrassed by the attention Jesse #2 decided to show his face. After a moment and a quick survey of the room it was on.

"What, because I'm the nerdy white guy who doesn't drink that makes me a Mormon?"
"That dude over there is wearing a tie, not drinking, and polite. Why aren't we religiously categorizing him?"
"Was it Dick Van Patton or Kierkegaard who said, 'If you label me you negate me'?"

I finished my short diatribe to turn and find myself face to face with a very cute short girl that I didn't know. I believe her name was Amber(I remember it started with an A). We talked for a moment before she finally asked...
"So what's the real reason you don't drink?"
I went in to my small speech which basically amounts to, "I'm not sure really. I just never got around to it"
"It's okay, I don't drink either" she said.
"Oh really? Well how come you don't drink?"
"I'm Mormon"

"Good move jackass" I thought to myself as I now started to back peddle while attempting to dislodge the foot that was stuck firmly in my mouth. I made a few inane statements to stall while I regained my bearings, but she cut me off mid-sentence, turned to Maya and said, "Thanks for inviting me" and then left.


  1. Girlfriends? Plural? I think that's a bit of a stretch.

  2. Why did I turn on anonymous comments again?

    I'm pretty sure there were at least two...

    There was Stacey and then... let's see... did we count Stacey yet?

    At any rate, I've lost count and probably forgotten some along the way, but I'm sure there were enough to constitute an 's' at the end of girlfriend.

  3. Good work man! That will teach you to make fun of Mormons eh!