Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Tuesdays with Todd°

Note to the reader:Many of my blog entries contain inside jokes, or references to things that any common passerby would most likely not "get". With that in mind I've decided to explain as much of this entry as possible and in that way invite you, the reader, to break the fourth wall and join in on the fun. For the duration of this entry, whenever you see this symbol: °, feel free to find the attached note at the bottom of the page and join in on the fun. I'll leave the matching of the note to the section it pertains to as an exercise for the reader. Still confused? Alright, I'll give you an example. The title of this entry is Tuesdays with Todd°. The ° lets you know that there's additional information. When you look at the bottom you get to find out who Todd really is. Its that easy, and fun too! So, without further ado, lets continue on with today's story...

My sister has a friend named Geremy. She's known him since high school, and while I knew of him, I wouldn't say I knew him back then. My sister is 7 years younger than I am, so we didn't exactly hang out a lot back then. As we've gotten older, we tend to hang out more, and that leads to more interaction with her friends. One of these friends is Geremy. He comes out with us sometimes to social events, which is equivalent to me saying, "He goes to the bar with us". I'd like to describe Geremy accurately for anyone reading who doesn't know him, but I'm afraid that the English language is not sufficient for this task, and I'm sure that the few people who do read my blog don't have a firm grasp of Ancient Aramaic. I will endeavor however, to give you the important details about Geremy as they pertain to this story:

A) He's tall, 20-something, pretty decent looking guy, articulate, charismatic, funny, etc°
B) In a social setting he's quite out going. He'll talk to anyone, comment on anyone, involve anyone in his conversation, and say anything to anyone°
C) He's got balls so big° that when he books a flight he has to notify both NASA and the National Weather institute of the impending gravitational shift. Remember that Tsunami a few years back? I'm relatively sure that that coincided with his move to California.

At any rate... the other night I met Mory, Stacy, Geremy and Jodi up at McDuffy's for our usual time of complaining about work, goofing off, and other such nonsense. At one point in the night Geremy had a conversation with our waitress, a cute blond girl. I was sitting across from Geremy, and being that I don't have good bar ears°, I didn't really get to hear the conversation that well. What I did hear was simultaneously impressive and shocking. She introduced herself to him...

"Hi, I'm Mary Kate"
"You look like you eat more than I would have expected", he said, making a reference to her weight in relation to Mary Kate of the Olson twins. I believe I picked up on the reference before she did as she had a slightly confused look on her face for a moment.
"I bet you get that reference a lot" I said to both give Geremy a hard time, and give her a hint as to what he was getting at.
As I did, it seemed to click for her and she shot back, "No that's the first time", as if to say, "Shut up short man, I'm talking to Todd, he's dreamy". For what its worth, I've gone by the name Jesse for 12 years now°, and if I had nickel for every time somebody has told me that they "wish that they had Jesse's girl", I'd be rich now°, so I know that someone has made the Olson reference to this girl before.

Later in the evening Geremy was ranting about how he didn't feel sorry for people who died or were injured in natural disasters since they could have moved. This is taken a little out of context, but very close to how he presented it to our waitress. Even later, when she came back they had a short exchange which I didn't catch, but it ended with him saying, "Don't worry, I think my cold sore is gone" as she picked up his glass and her responding, "Okay, you want to make out later?"

Lets pause for a moment and recap for the reader at home. So far Geremy has told her:
1) She's fat
2) He's soulless and mean(Not really, but I'm rolling, so go with me on this one)
3) He possibly has oral herpes

To all of this she responds with, "Cool, wanna make out?" There are porno movie's with more believable plots than this... If it had been me, I would have gotten half way through #1 before she would have slapped me and had the bouncer throw me out, but somehow Geremy gets away with it.

Is there a point to this story? No, not really, but I figured people were tired of reading me suck with women, so they should read about someone doing well.

° When my friend Stacy met Geremy for the first time she was drunk(go figure), and he was wearing a shirt that said Todd on it. For the entire night she called him Todd, and later insisted that she had never met a "Geremy"

° While my description of Geremy and slight man-crush may lead the reader to believe that I am in fact gay, or that this is a "coming out" entry, I assure you that is not the case. I felt that the information was important to the story.... Besides, I'm still writing that entry. Expect it early next week.

° For all of my exaggerations, let it be known that Geremy will quite literally say anything or do anything. In my short time of rolling with him, I've witnessed him do the following:

1) Picture message his man parts to multiple people he had never met
2) Tube the salt river wearing only a women's bikini bottom
3) Tell a story involving him accidentally inserting his wang into an oscillating fan that had had the cover removed. It should be noted that he told this story while our waitress on that particular night was at our table.

° I say that he has big balls figuratively... meaning that he's got guts, but apparently this statement holds up literally too. Although, by the grace of god, I've managed to so far go without seeing them.

° Bar ears refers to one's ability to hear things at a bar. Whether this skill is gained by lip reading, alcohol consumption, or sacrifices to a pagan god, I don't know, but you'd think someone cursed with ears as big as mine would at least get this as a consolation.

° Before then my name was Jun Fan, but I changed it to Jesse when, after killing a man, I fled to America from Hong Kong and developed Jeet Kune Do("Way of the fist")°

° I assumed that the one good part of the ending of my relationship with Stacey was that the conversations about "Jesse's girl" were done, but I was wrong. And... every single person thinks that he's the first one to have made that connection.

° Rest assured that I didn't kill a man in Hong Kong, the above is actually Bruce Lee's story, and a reference to MTV's "The State"

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