DJ Jazzy Jesse

When gmail was introduced, like a good little nerd I ran out and secured my name@gmail.com and promptly forgot about it. I use a yahoo address that I've had forever, and didn't really have a need for another, but I figured I should take it before someone else did.

A recent search for online word processing turned up http://www.writely.com/(which I love). It just so happens that writely is owned now by google, and as such uses the same log on. When I got there I thought, "Oh yeah, I have a gmail address". After playing around with it I decided to log on and clear out a few years worth of spam that I was sure to have collected. I was hoping for something that could make my erections last longer, make me the ultimate lover or at the very least get me my medication at a discounted rate, but I was surprised instead to find numerous emails from someone named Kim.

Kim sent me a lot of emails, containing a lot of personal information, about weddings that I was supposed to be DJing in the Washington area. For those who don't know, I live in Arizona, and true to my oath in 1964 haven't DJ'd north of Oregon since the incident at the Goldstein bar mitzvah. Kim obviously had the wrong email address, but after 18 emails spanning 3 months, she still hadn't figured it out, and continued to send a wealth of information(Dates, times, names, phone numbers, song selection, etc)

Using the detective skills passed down to me by my friend Sean, I looked Kim up on myspace, and also found many of the people who's weddings I had supposedly DJ'd. This was too much info, and I wanted to both have some fun with Kim, but also send her a message. I refrained from mentioning her daughter(Who was also easily myspaced) as I thought that might be crossing a line.

Dear Kim,

Its been a while since I've checked my gmail, and I was quite surprised to find numerous emails from you concerning my DJing business. This is quite depressing because you've made absolutely no mention whatsoever of the stripping and interpretive dance, which is what I pride myself on. The DJing is more just how I get my foot in the door, if you know what I mean, and I think that you do Kim... I think that you do.

While the Pilawksi's were quite surprised as I started taking my top off on the 2nd for the wedding, I personally believe that they were quite entertained. Even though security felt it necessary to remove me from the venue, I think the message came across loud and clear, and that is what is most important to me, the message Kim... the message.

In closing, I hope you have a good sense of humor Kim, and I hope that you've found whoever you're trying to send emails to's correct address, because its certainly not me. If you were, on the other hand looking for a computer programmer, then you've come to the right place. But I think my talents would be much better spent helping you with your java script problems than playing "I ain't mad at cha" by 2Pac at the Porada/Kashner wedding. Who plays 2Pac at their wedding anyhow Kim? What kind of message does that speak to the family about the longevity of the impending relationship that they've come together to celebrate? And if you'll remember from the second paragraph above, I'm about the message Kim... the message.

Jesse

P.S. It seems that the correct Jesse you're looking for could most likely be found here: email removed

I realize that I have a habit of understating things in a sarcastic way and leaving it up to the other person to pick up on the joke. I also realize this doesn't always carry over in text so well, but I assumed in this case paragraph 3 made the point quite well. But hours later I received a reply:

Test, Test, Test
Jesse, are you there?

To which I finally decide to be quite clear in response to:

Yes, I'm here, but I assure you you still have the wrong Jesse. I thought I made that clear in my other email. You keep sending to email removed, but you've got the wrong nerd. email removed is my address, and I'm not the Jesse you're looking for.

I was trying to make a point with humor before, but that apparently didn't work so well, so now I'll state quite plainly. I don't DJ, and I don't live in WA. I'm also neither tall nor bald(Not yet anyhow). I'm quite sure I'm not the person you're intending these emails to get to.

I'd also like to take this time to suggest you refrain from sending personal info via the internet if you're not sure of the email address.

Jesse

Lets hope Kim has finally gotten the message. Afterall, that's what I'm about... the message.