Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Five Lines or Less

You're currently reading this post for one of a few reasons. Please read the appropriate section, and only the appropriate section, for a personalized message just for you!

You're a loyal supporter of the blog, and read everything I post-

How's your work day going? I'm considering going out of town this weekend, but if I don't, wanna hang out and maybe catch a movie?


You received something in the mail with this web address-

Dear Sir/Madam,

I'm sorry. You were probably hoping it was some romantic gesture from that boy/girl you've been crushing on for the past few weeks, and it turns out to be a gift from a short nerd living in Phoenix. I would have fully explained on the card, but they only give you 5 lines to use on those things. How ridiculous is that? Asking me to write something that short is like asking Tim Burton to direct something bright, shiney and fluffy.  It's just not possible.

The reason you received something in the mail is most likely because someone entered you in my contest (click here to view the contest). I'm sorry to say that you didn't win the grand prize, but as I'm currently not paying girlfriend tax I thought it appropriate to send out some consolation gifts. I hope you enjoy them.


You did a Google search for anyone famous I've written about and the word "feet"-

Dear Sir/Madam,

The number of hits I get each day for "Felicia Day Feet" and "Shirley Manson Feet" is getting out of hand. My blog name has the word "foot" in it and apparently Google is smart enough to translate that to "feet". I respect that everyone has their "thing". I myself like short nerdy girls, but I'm not out constantly Googling around looking for them. Knock it off.


Okay okay, kidding aside, the contest is over and the stuff has been sent. I'm surprised by how many people were curious about it, so I created this mini-faq:

Q. Did I win?
A. Short answer: No.
Long answer: Nobody actually won. Somebody will receive the "big prize" though. That person gave me a very solid reason to send him/her flowers, and as such I did. It just wasn't necessarily contest related.

Q. So you ran a contest, got everyone to enter, and then changed the rules?
A. Not exactly. I stuck to the letter of the rules, and one of the entrants will receive flowers. Others may receive a consolation prize. I hope that everyone is happy in the end. That's the point after all.

Q. So who did get the "big prize"?
A. I'm not telling. If he/she wants to discuss it publicly here be my guest.

Q. But I got flowers. That means I'm the winner?
A. Not unless there's an absolutely horrible poem attached to them.

Q. Did you send that poor inmate something?
A. No. While the whole thing was rather amusing, even I have limits as to the amount of potential crazy I'll invite in to my life.

Q. So when does this "consolation" prize arrive?
A. Having something arrive on Saturday was like 15-25 bucks more, so "prizes" should be arriving between now and Friday.

Q. The consolation prize is probably something crappy right?
A. Probably

Happy Valentine's day everyone.


  1. Woo hoo!
    Mmmm, mmm.
    I win...I win!

    Well, there wasn't a poem in it, but that probably saved me.

    Because of the obscure sender, the recipient [my ever-so-deserving-wife {no matter what you say, JR!}], didn't realize that it wasn't directly from me. Unfortunately for Jesse, the booby prize in this event was well within bounds for what I might have sent her [in other years]. The confusion worked in my favor. When I was called with the the thanks from my wife, I played along...just saying that I didn't really get a good idea about what was in the package from the description. Hee hee!!!

    I had augmented the chance of winning Jesse's prize with a dozen roses...and they were the start of the whole garden [ha, again, JR!]

    Then at dinner, I told the Jesse Story. Tomorrow...dinner and a play. VD just keeps on giving!

  2. I figured it out - I figured it out.

    I did some sluething and figured out who received the flowers. And from what this person said, you made the best decision, if only because it was ironic.


  3. Dave: I'm glad to hear that you sent your wife some flowers -- it sounds like she definitely deserved them. I still disagree with Jesse doing it, though; see, he's allowed to neglect her...

    And Jesse, a week after the event, and one need only see the lack of ONE MILLION comments to know that you didn't bite on the inmate dating plan. I'm quite disappointed. Here I proposed a method to increase readership by dumping Diane and adding Woody and Rebecca to the cast, and instead you added cousin Oliver... *sigh*