25 things

In my post Super Bowl depression I decided to do something I've never done before. I filled out an Internet survey/meme. I'm usually very much against these kinds of things, but as many people on Facebook that I know did it, and I found them interesting, I decided to go ahead and participate.

In my general fashion, I wrote more than most do, but I tried to add things that not many people know about me. There's at least one item that I don't think anyone knows, so hopefully someone enjoys this. Maybe some of these will turn in to real blog entries some time, but probably not.

1. I spent ages 3-7 in Germany. While I forgot the language over the years, my mother claims that I spoke German in my sleep for many years after the fact.

2. One summer in my youth, faced with no new Nintendo games, or money to purchase them, my best friend and I started making video game challenges to each other. In one of these challenges, I successfully beat Super Mario using only my big toes.

Yes, I realize how big of a dork I am.

3. I once ran a half mile through downtown Phoenix half naked with big goofy hat on for a bet. I lost the bet, but Matt was decent enough to buy me an Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box as a consolation prize.

4. a. I once fit 6 oreos in my mouth at once and successfully ate them without spitting them out on a bet.

b. My entire fist will fit inside my mouth.

5. I'll do almost anything on a bet for laughs.

6. In my college years I decided to write a screenplay. One of the key figures in my movie was to be a character who's parents died in a horrific accident. He wins a huge insurance settlement and promptly heads to Vegas. During a comedic hypnotist show, the hypnotist dies. The character is left changing personalities whenever a bell rings or whistle blows throughout the movie.

Halfway through writing this movie, Office Space by Mike Judge came out. In it, the main character is hypnotized to relax, and the hypnotist dies. I quit writing movies after that.

7. My arms and hands are double jointed. I can place my hand on a table and rotate it a full 360 degrees. My thumbs and wrist bend funny as well. I can clap with one hand(In two different ways). I'm also able to lick my elbow, which some claim is "impossible".

8. In a doubles ping pong tournament at work I was paired up with the owner of my company, "Buzzsaw". I convinced him that we should dress up in tights and bumble bee outfits to "throw our opponent off". We would be the "Buzzsaw Bumble Bees" Eventually he agreed. We ended up pitted against a team that wasn't easily shaken and lost 21-19. We promptly signed the outfits and "retired" them on the wall in his executive office.

He's since left the company, and my bumble bee outfit hangs on my office wall to this day.

9. For 3 years I wrote flight simulator software for fighter jets for the Air Force. While I did get to do some cool things in that time, it was overall a far less exciting job than writing printer software, which I do now.

10. From ages 11-14 I saved 1000 dollars to purchase my first PC, which was really the catalyst for my current profession.

11. As a child I had a terrible temper. My brother drove me absolutely crazy. Since growing up, the exact opposite is true. I've only yelled at someone once in the last 15 years that I remember, and I don't think I've lost my temper in that time. It's so bad that most of my friends are thrilled when they see me even mildly upset.

12. I've never been drunk in my life. I only drink under very very special circumstances.

The most I've ever had to drink was an entire beer on my friend Stacy's birthday. Her friend Megan had passed out in the restroom, and after the fact someone ordered her another round. I decided it wasn't a good idea for her to have another, so when she was distracted and looking the other way I drank the entire thing. She never noticed.

13. There is absolutely no reason for #12, although #12 and #11 are probably related. In my adulthood the idea of losing control is a bit scary, and something I'd rather avoid. I do however like to make up stories as to why I don't drink, since "I don't want to" is unacceptable for most.

14. I'm usually more amusing when consumed in digital fashion. While I'm a fairly smart little dude, my brain is more of the "slow and steady" kind. I usually get to the right answer, but I'm not nearly as quick witted as most. I compensate for this by having most situation/jokes planned out ahead of time.

15. I once found myself face to face with my long time crush Shirley Manson(Lead singer of Garbage) before a concert. In my complete shock, the best I could come up with was to offer her the hamburger I was about to eat. Of course I even failed at saying this as I said it so low under my breath that she didn't even hear me. It was probably for the best.

16. In college, tired of people asking what kind of girl was "my girl", I started replying that all I wanted was a "Little Redheaded Girl". This was a reference to Charlie Brown.

Oddly enough, a few months later I wound up with a crush on a short redheaded girl. Somehow, the joke has stuck.

17. I'm a huge Nintendo fan, but not crazy enough to wait in line for many things. When the Wii came out, I found a target distribution list online, and went to a Target in the north valley that for some reason was getting over 100. I arrived 30 minutes before the store opened, and got one with plenty of room to spare.

18. I wrestled my sophomore year in high school, but was unable to get my weight over 93 lbs. The lowest weight class 103, and I lost every match. At one match, the opposing team didn't have anyone in my weight class, and they offered to let me wrestle a weight class up, against a girl. When I saw her snarling and hitting herself in the head before the match, I declined to wrestle the girl who out weighed me by over 20 lbs.

19. I was a lifeguard/cashier for 3 years during the summers of high school. Despite my small size I was an exceptionally strong swimmer, and enjoyed besting the big strong jocks at most of the life guarding challenges. After those 3 years, I don't really enjoy the pool that much.

20. I delivered pizza for 2 years, and still consider it one of, if not the best jobs I've ever had. Since that time, I don't really enjoy Pizza Hut pizza.

21. As a kid I had numerous tests run on me to figure out why I was so short. This included monthly examination of my little boy parts, and frequent blood drawing. After years and years of this they finally told me, "You're just short"

22. In high school I designed and built a hovercraft that didn't completely function. After I got a real job and had the money I purchased a gas powered blower and made one that worked.

23. I was born a month early with a double hernia, which wasn't repaired until I was a year of age. My mother says I have a big chest due to the constant crying.

24. When I was very young we had an Atari, and one night my dad forgot to tuck me in because he was busy playing Pac-Man. I was quite upset and on that day decided that I hated video games and would never play them myself. Boy was I wrong.

25. I tend to write a lot when I sit down to write on the computer. I jokingly say it's because I type really fast, but the real answer is probably that I'm overcompensating for my height.

I'm sorry.

Nerd Games: The Free Flowers (Year 2)

Given that it's now almost February, the chances of me having a Valentine reside statistically in the "Not Probable" range.  I believe I've given or sent flowers for at least 7 or 8 years running now, and it seems a shame to let the streak end.

Given that, and my motto that every girl deserves flowers on Valentine's, I've decided to open up the free flowers competition again.  The rules are the same as last year.  

1. Nominate someone to get flowers. Write a reason/explanation, or don't.  I don't care. A good reason helps your chances though.

2. I'll pick a winner and pay for and send flowers. I'll also write a very crappy poem which you can help with if you'd like.

3. Contest ends on the 9th.

*I reserve the right to half ass it like I did last year if I get a slight case of death again.

Here are some sample entries that I just made up to get you started:

I think you should send flowers to my wife, because her husband is a jerk.

A dozen roses to Ruthie that read:
Dear Ruthie,
Please move back to 11-L so that Jesse has something to write about.
Love, Sesquipedalis Readers

Send flowers to Leyda with a card that reads, "Happy Valentine's - James Franco"

Par for the Course: Part 2

Last Thursday I found myself in need of a quick lunch. The other nerds let me know that they were going to "Blue Fin", a semi-well known downtown Japanese Restaurant. My problem with Blue Fin is that it has the worst chicken I've eaten in my life. On the up side, there are no stray cats in the area.

Given my dislike of the BF, I grabbed the iPod and headed off to ZPizza. It was, after all, Italian pizza day, and I love the Italian pizza(Without tomatoes).

As I stepped in I noticed the cute girl was behind the counter, which usually causes me to over think the next few moments, and how they will play out. Before I had time to think of something witty stupid to say she jumped a bit, threw her arm behind her head and did a slight ants-in-the-pants kind of dance. Or maybe it was a jig. I'm not sure.

At 31 years of age, there's not a lot that surprises me, but this definitely did. Combined with my complete fear of women I stood for a moment, perplexed.

"Uhm..."

About 30 seconds later I realized my head was now rotating itself slightly to the left, much like a puppy that stares at you and obviously doesn't understand.

"Hmmm..."

"That was the weirdest thing," She finally took the lead, "A bobby pin just fell out of my hair and down the back of my shirt."

Well that makes some sense.

"Oh..." I responded, "I just thought you were excited that I was here"

And nothing. No chuckle. No laugh. Nothing of the courtesy variety. Nothing from the pity family. Just nothing.

The best part was I had yet to place my order.

Nerd Word(s): E-Flirting UPDATE!

A while back I wrote a Nerd Word(s) entry for "E-Flirting" and used some pretty piss poor examples.  I mean really, one of you should have punched me in the gut and let me know that that sort of D- effort wasn't okay. A real friend would have.

Today I have a better example.  Click for the full image:

The Double No-No

Meeting girls is a bit tough for me. I approach women with the eloquence and articulation of (soon-to-be-ex) President Bush giving a speech on nuclear power. Sure, I get the basic idea across, but in the end I just end up looking like an idiot.

One of my (many) issues in the dating scene is that I approach all new relationships as a potential friend. Despite evidence to the contrary in this blog, it takes me a while to actually form a real desire for someone, and I tend to keep it on the level longer than the average guy.

This can be quite off putting for the women of my age who have spent the past decade and a half fighting off drunken party boys like Aragorn to Orcs at the Battle of Helm's deep.

With that in mind I put up a profile on a "Social Networking" website. I'm somewhat wittier when taken in digital form, and it's more or less impossible to take an online relationship at the wrong pace.

About a month ago I exchanged a few emails online with a girl named Maureen. She was a super cute girl who seemed smart, age appropriate, and above all else pleasant. And that was the issue. There was no real spark.

Maureen seemed very much to be looking for a significant other where I was looking for a friend, possibly a hiking buddy, and maybe somewhere down the road something more. While my daily thought process usually doesn't extend past lunch, I have a feeling that she was the girl who had most of her wedding already planned. You know that girl. She already owns the dress and has yet to get the ring. In some rare cases she's already picked out a school for the kids. By the way, you're having two. Their names are Addison and Fuller.

Her insistence on being serious made the conversation difficult - getting off the island in Lost difficult. The emails consisted of her asking "deal breaker" type questions and me responding with jokes and smart ass comments.

Maureen,
I gotta ask up front what you have against divorced guys. Bad experience in the past? Is it a blanket rule? I myself have never been married. I'm just curious why the strict rules. Seems like you might have a hard time finding a guy who's never married, no kids, and doesn't drink a little on a regular basis.

That being said, I'm a 31 year old guy who's never been married, doesn't have kids, and I've actually never even been drunk before in my life. Most people who meet me think I must be Mormon or super religious since I'm a bit on the straight and narrow on those sorts of things (if you catch my meaning). I'm not though. I'm Agnostic.

Soon enough she asked if I'd like to meet, and as she seemed mostly harmless, I agreed to meet her at the Starbuck's at the local out door mall. I arrived promptly at the arranged time to find the the Starbuck's both closed and deserted.

My nerdy side was beaming as I whipped out the phone and Google reported another Starbuck's a solid 150 feet to the East.

Karma is getting you for that Lewis Black article.

I arrived at the second Starbuck's five minutes later to find it... both closed and deserted. I waited another 20 minutes before calling it a loss and heading home. I had given Maureen my phone number, but as she had not reciprocated, I was out of options.

I had been stood up.

The phone chirped with an email from Maureen as I was on my way home. She had forgotten my number at home, but was still in the area. A phone call and 10 minutes later we met at the gelato place down the street. She was slightly looser in real life than the emails had been, but the conversation was still overly formal and therefore quite difficult - Solomon's Key difficult.

We parted ways an hour later, and I left realizing that the evening had not gone well. For good measure, the next day I sent an email offering to take her hiking or some other activity. It was my hope that maybe something a little more active would loosen the tension, but her reply read simply:

Jesse,

You're a really nice guy, but not the one for me.

I had been stood up and shut down by the same girl.

Nerd Word(s): The No-No

The No-No
- noun

1. A denial or shutdown

[ Origin: While I'm sure the saying is common in sports vernacular, it was brought to my lexicon by Erik]

- usage
1. "Manu Ginobili went up for the shot, but Amare gave him the no-no and knocked it 6 rows in to the crowd."
2. "I finally beat Bowser on world 4-4, but instead of the princess, all I got was the no-no"

- disambiguation

Not to be confused with the no-no naughty-spot.

Postpartum: Part 1

So, I decided to try something a little different.  

"I have one of your old stories from high school" my good friend Laura said to me a few months back.  

My what?

"It's something called the Gumshoe Detective.  It's funny"

Oh, that.

I had all but forgotten.  I had written a few comical type short stories in school and given them to my friends.  I couldn't bring myself to read it now.  I can't imagine what 15 year old Jesse thought was amusing.  In retrospect, it was probably more mature and well written than what 31 year old Jesse writes.

Three years ago I wrote a long and drawn out email to a friend about my mom introducing me to a girl who turned out to be a lesbian.  I thought the story was sort of amusing so I posted it where some friends could read, and then to my myspace account.

At the time I was badgering two of my best friends(Rose and Adam) to each start a blog.  I find them both extremely amusing, and writing just wasn't my thing.  When they wouldn't get on board, I finally decided to do it myself.

Two and a half years later I've got 169 entries in a blog that's changed a lot, but at the same time stayed mostly the same.  Over the years I've come a long way in my writing ability, but I'm still a long ways from anything resembling "presentable".

When I think about it, it all goes back to that cheesy story I wrote half a lifetime ago.  Mostly real, with a bit of a drama.  Too much inner monologue.  Too many bad similes.  Lots and lots of bad jokes.

After having written out a story about my mom and my umbrella, I decided it needed a little "something more" and decided to go back to my roots.  Surprisingly, that relatively short entry became three bloated entries with very little content.  In a way it seemed fitting.  

Part 2 also had the worst joke I think I've ever written.  Bonus points to those who found it.

Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me over the year(s).  Hopefully I'll think of something exciting to write about soon.

In the meantime I recommend you check out the following blogs from people who are far more talented than I am -

1.  Low Life Bastard - Larry hasn't written in a while, but if you haven't read through the archives, you're really missing out.  Stop by and tell him to get his ass back on the blog.

2.  Extensive Vamping - The "day to day" blog from Stefi, the writer of Bores and Whores.  She has a dryness and sarcasm that often leaves me questioning which part of the joke is funny, and which part of the joke is actually on me.

3.  Chicago Jo - One of my latest blog crushes.  Despite evidence to the contrary, I'm convinced that Jo is a 45 year old bald fat man wearing a cheeto stained wife beater surfing the Internet and up to no good.