Sunday, April 20, 2008

How To's: Sequipedalify Your Life

"Who's the cute girl who suddenly got bumped up to your #1 on Myspace J.R.?" I asked over IM one particularly busy day at work.

J.R. is basically a cooler me with better stories. Better in this case meaning slightly less self-deprecating. For example, in the two or so years that I've known him he's been in a major motion picture, owned an Acura NSX, and learned to fly an airplane. It doesn't take a panel of judges and a network TV reality show to tell you that he soundly beats my resume of being in a home made move(Developer Trap), owning an S2000, and working on flight simulators for a living. Apparently this hasn't translated in to success with the ladies and J.R. often states that he could give me a run for my money in the "who's worse with women" contest.

"Just some girl I met. Nothing there yet, but we're going out on Saturday with a group of friends."

"Awesome dude. Maybe you'll get to reset the timer." I joked.

"We'll see how it goes."

Monday rolled around and since there wasn't a 3 page novel waiting on my IM I assumed the worst. "I'm going to retain my last shred of dignity and just say that it didn't really pan out" he said, letting me know that he didn't really want to discuss it. Unfortunately for J.R. I'd had nothing to write about in months, and I needed a story. Like Lois Lane on speed I continued to ask questions.

"You should blog about it dude! Guest blog for me!"

I have a habit of trying to get people to write for me. They make the funny, I get the credit. As of yet I've only had one taker. My job would be a lot easier if people would help me out, and the stories would probably be more amusing.

"It really wasn't that exciting" he replied.

"I've had 2 exciting moments in my entire life and I've still managed to come up with a hundred and twenty entries. If I can do it, you can." I pleaded, but J.R. wasn't budging.

Part of the point of the blog has always been that I'm the biggest dork on the planet, and aside from a gift from god in the form of two gorgeous twins living beside me I have a fairly boring life. While the stories contained here are 90-100% fact, they do tend to be slightly sensationalized for the public.

With that in mind I thought I'd point out the few easy steps to "Sesquipedalify Your Life"

1. Start with a small story. It works best if it's a story where you do something stupid, but usually any story will do. Bonus points if it involves a member of the opposite sex(Or same sex if that's your persuasion, not that there's anything wrong with that)

2. Pick a tone and stick with it. You either think you're a bad ass, or you're a complete dork. There's not much room to be both.

3. Write the story out to the best of your memory. It doesn't need to be accurate. Nobody is fact checking. People will accept anything that is on the Internet as fact. On the off chance that some jackass calls you out on an error, that's what the edit button is for. Change the story, and then tell him "It never said that! Learn to read dummy!"

4. Have at least one tangential point. If it's not a strong point, feel free to put it in the middle of the story. The average reader just skims that part anyhow.

5. Throw in a few similes. In a pinch, a metaphor will do.

6. Use at least one pop culture reference. Bonus points if it's embarrassing that you're making it(ie a 31 year old man who knows the names of both of Britney's kids)

7. Spell Check. Or don't, I don't care.

8. Remember, the average reader likes a short entry, and enjoys pictures. In general, be long winded, and forgo the pictures. Screw the reader this is your blog!

9. Hit the publish button and watch the hits roll in.

10. Bug your friends, "Hey, did you see that awesome shit I just posted?"


  1. Dude, you gotta promise then that if I write you an entry about that time you fooking flipped out over 44 for 44 that you will publish it.

  2. Sure thing. I get final edit, and I get to write a companion piece, but you write your jacked up tale, and I'll publish it.

    Just remember, if you commit it to the permanency of the Internet, it can't keep growing, and that'll be a shame.

  3. I must agree with #10. I bug people all the time to read my blog. Like right now, hey you, reading this, check my blog: Larry vs. the Pope.