Thursday, February 28, 2008

Top 5: Rock Band Nerds

Last November the greatest video game ever created was released... Rock Band. I didn't have an XBOX or Playstation 3 though, so I wasn't really planning on buying it. Sean and I went to Best Buy just to see if they had it, and wouldn't you know there was only one copy left... One copy left. It was like a sign from the gee oh double dizzle.

700+ dollars later I was the proud owner of Rock Band, an Xbox 360, and an extra guitar for bass(Because 3 piece is for losers).

What I didn't immediately realize is the effect this purchase would have on my social life. I was suddenly more popular than the kid in high school who had failed and therefore turned 16(And had a car) Freshman year.


Everybody wanted to play Rock Band. It was an epidemic. My Rock Band parties were being broken up by other groups of friends showing up to play Rock Band. I was soon the lead guitarist for: Metallic Brain Stem, The 18th St. Bitchezz, AEAA, Donkey Saturday, Love Survivors, and a host of other bands. I'd occasionally also be featured on lead vocals or drums. Life was good, but as the graph above shows, eventually you get tired of the cocaine and groupies, and the Rock Band had to settle down a little.

Kendall's Band: The 18th St. Bitchezz

Now, almost six months later, a veteran of the scene, I know how things go. If it's one thing I've learned out there on the road(Rocking you like a hurricane), it's that no matter what Rock Band party you show up to, there's always going to be a few of the following people there:

The Guitar Zero -
The Guitar Zero is the guy who's played way too much Guitar Hero and tries to apply the same philosophies to Rock Band. He's the guy who immediately tries to play ...And Justice For All on expert mode and promptly gets the entire band booed off stage, ruining the fun.

Okay, we get it buddy. You've played countless hours of Guitar Hero in some hope that in the future that will translate to popularity with members of the opposite sex. It's not happening, and if you pick expert one more time and get kicked off before I get to sing the chorus, I'm throwing you off the balcony.

The "I don't know any of these songs" singer -
There's always someone who claims to be a good singer, but unfortunately doesn't know any of the songs in Rock Band. With the downloadable songs, I'm now up to 92 different tracks ranging from the 60's to today. Surely you've heard of one of them?

I hate to break it to you, but nobody is buying it. First of all, the words scroll across the screen like karaoke. This is normally followed by the protest, "But I don't know the medley". Look, unless you were born post 1990, pre-1960, or have lived in a cave your entire life you've heard "In Bloom" by Nirvana. The words? Hell, Kurt Cobain probably never sang the song the same way twice, but you can at least give it a try. Make up your own words, or if you're that lame, puss out and hum the lines.

The "I Can't Play Bass on Easy" nerd -
If you've tried to play the bass on easy on "Say It Ain't So" by Weezer more than three times and still can't "get it", then it's time to pack it up buddy. Sorry. There are untrained chimpanzee's that can match the green note and green button. Hey, at least you tried, which is better than...

The "Too Cool for School" guy -
There's always one person who's afraid of embarrassing themselves, and therefore opts to not play. Two people holding ukulele sized plastic guitars just jumped off the couch doing a leg split. Then the "lead guitarist" did the thing where he sang in to the mic at the same time as the singer a la Bon Jovi/Richie Sambora circa 1990, and you're worried about embarrassing yourself? Have another wine cooler and sack up a little Nancy or get the hell off my stage.

I found this motivational poster for your wall:


The THAT guy -
By far the worst Rock Band stereotype is THAT guy. You know him. His catch phrase is generally something like, "You know if you spent half the time you do playing this stupid game practicing a real guitar you'd...." blah blah blah. He also sometimes adds such insightful comments as, "No thanks, I know how to play the real guitar".

Well holy crap! Let's roll out the red carpet for a middle aged guy who can play a couple of hits from the 70's and 2 Nirvana songs on the real guitar, but never quite made it because the band that he had was "too experimental" and "the industry wasn't quite ready yet".

You're about as common as the English 101 teacher who's "still working on his novel" and has been for the past 20 years. You know what? I can play a real guitar too along with 90% of the other lonely guys who couldn't talk to girls in college. It's a plastic controller with 5 colored buttons, NOT A REAL GUITAR. That's the point jackass. It's about having fun goofing off with friends, not a showcase for your emo-ness.


  1. it saddens me to see you take the time out of your day to write this, entertaining as it may be.

  2. I was trying to rant. I figured you'd like it.

    Are you just upset because you're #4?

  3. you nailed me. i am most definately afraid of embarrassing myself. i've made it all my life without doing it so far, why start now?

    yeah, it's the shy factor that keeps me from playing.

  4. Dude,

    A highly accurate and eloquent dissertation on the pontificating –dogmatic-dribble espoused by scaredy cats

  5. Really? No mention of a cow bell player or someone who "dominates" the bass? I'm disappointed.

  6. I would humbly ask for you to add a catagory: The guy who is not enjoy playing Rock Band. Don't get me wrong, I am too cool for school, but that is besides the point that I am just not that crazy about the game.

  7. damn, looking good as usual.

  8. With that sexy graph and excellent use of paragraphs, I can read this at work and not have to worry about managerial looky loos. If only I knew someone that had this game and wanted me to play it with them. Oh well.

  9. Woo hoo! I fit into at least three of those categories - does that mean I win? :D

  10. omg i wish i could be as cool as you!!! u pwn at rock band ima n00bie rock band 4eva!!!