Thursday, September 29, 2011

DJ Jazzy Jesse: Part 2

One of the first posts I ever wrote was about how I share my name with a DJ in Oregon, and occasionally get his emails. I hadn't gotten one in a long time, so when one from "Nicole" arrived, I decided to reply.

Hi Nicole!

First of all, congratulations on your wedding. What a truly magical time in your life, and I appreciate you sharing the schedule with me. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so I feel like you're rubbing it in a little. I'm going to let that slide because I know it's been a busy time for you, and keeping up with what's going on in my life probably hasn't been your number one concern. (Side note, are any of your bridesmaids in to short nerds? I'm just saying, you could do me a solid )

Secondly, I'm not sure how I feel about playing "Big Green Tractor". Be honest with yourself, is that really a wedding song? How would you feel about throwing out the whole mix and just going with Journey's greatest hits? I'm an expert in these kinds of things, and I guarantee that by the time "Faithfully" hits, there will be so many people crying that you could get Kleenex to sponsor this wedding. You'll think you were at an onion cutting convention. People will talk about it for years to come. Everyone loves Journey Nicole. Everyone.

Also, you won't have to waste time burning copies of those wedding CD's that everyone hands out these days, but nobody listens to. You can just hand them a copy from the store. Guests will appreciate that extra level of effort and class.

Third, what are you guys serving? I hope it's crab cakes. I love crab cakes.

In closing, I believe you've reached the wrong Jesse Bearden. I'm a software engineer from Phoenix, and the only DJing I do is DJ Hero on the Xbox. Not to brag, but I once got 300,000 points on "Intergalatic", so maybe you should have me do it. Do you really want some schmuck running your dollar dance who couldn't even break 200k? You ask that guy for his high scores. Anything under 250 is bush league and you deserve better. Remember, it's your day Nicole.

If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me which email you were trying to reach? I get emails about weddings somewhat regularly and I'd like to be able to forward them on the the right place.


P.S. I'm serious about those Bridesmaids. Anyone cute and in to nerds?

P.P.S All jokes aside, here's a link to that Journey album. If you don't already have a copy, let me know and I'll send you one as a wedding present.


  1. Jesse, you just reminded me of a critical point...that you effing rock.

  2. Aww thanks.  I honestly hope she writes me back, because I'd totally buy her some Journey.

  3. Totally worth waiting 3,000 years for this blog post.

  4. Any word back yet?  If not, it is because she is still going through that Journey album and quickly realizing that she just can't stop believin' that you are right.

  5. No, no word back.  She's probably questioning all of her decisions now.