Skip to main content

DJ Jazzy Jesse: Part 2

One of the first posts I ever wrote was about how I share my name with a DJ in Oregon, and occasionally get his emails. I hadn't gotten one in a long time, so when one from "Nicole" arrived, I decided to reply.

Hi Nicole!

First of all, congratulations on your wedding. What a truly magical time in your life, and I appreciate you sharing the schedule with me. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so I feel like you're rubbing it in a little. I'm going to let that slide because I know it's been a busy time for you, and keeping up with what's going on in my life probably hasn't been your number one concern. (Side note, are any of your bridesmaids in to short nerds? I'm just saying, you could do me a solid )

Secondly, I'm not sure how I feel about playing "Big Green Tractor". Be honest with yourself, is that really a wedding song? How would you feel about throwing out the whole mix and just going with Journey's greatest hits? I'm an expert in these kinds of things, and I guarantee that by the time "Faithfully" hits, there will be so many people crying that you could get Kleenex to sponsor this wedding. You'll think you were at an onion cutting convention. People will talk about it for years to come. Everyone loves Journey Nicole. Everyone.

Also, you won't have to waste time burning copies of those wedding CD's that everyone hands out these days, but nobody listens to. You can just hand them a copy from the store. Guests will appreciate that extra level of effort and class.

Third, what are you guys serving? I hope it's crab cakes. I love crab cakes.

In closing, I believe you've reached the wrong Jesse Bearden. I'm a software engineer from Phoenix, and the only DJing I do is DJ Hero on the Xbox. Not to brag, but I once got 300,000 points on "Intergalatic", so maybe you should have me do it. Do you really want some schmuck running your dollar dance who couldn't even break 200k? You ask that guy for his high scores. Anything under 250 is bush league and you deserve better. Remember, it's your day Nicole.

If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me which email you were trying to reach? I get emails about weddings somewhat regularly and I'd like to be able to forward them on the the right place.


P.S. I'm serious about those Bridesmaids. Anyone cute and in to nerds?

P.P.S All jokes aside, here's a link to that Journey album. If you don't already have a copy, let me know and I'll send you one as a wedding present.


  1. Jesse, you just reminded me of a critical point...that you effing rock.

  2. Aww thanks.  I honestly hope she writes me back, because I'd totally buy her some Journey.

  3. Totally worth waiting 3,000 years for this blog post.

  4. Any word back yet?  If not, it is because she is still going through that Journey album and quickly realizing that she just can't stop believin' that you are right.

  5. No, no word back.  She's probably questioning all of her decisions now.  


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Finally, A Use for Twitter

Sean informed me a few days ago that he had been following "The Real Shaq" on twitter. 

"You realize that 'The Real Shaq' is probably a 5'4 White, 14 year old emo kid who's getting his jolly's from the attention, right?" I asked him.

"I don't know. I think it's really him"

Today Sean and I were discussing rumored trade situations over IM, and the possibility of Shaq being traded to Cleveland.

"Well, I just got a twitter from The Real Shaq, and he's at 5 & Diner right now," Sean informed me.

"Let's go then" I said, assuming that I'd finally put this "Real Shaq" crap to rest.

Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to the restaurant and looking for the big black truck that he's rumored to drive around town. "Maybe that's it" Sean said, pointing at an older, but nice Van and laughing. As we pulled up I saw the Superman symbol on the grill.

Maybe that is it?

We went in, and…

Ballers Use Tide - The evolution of a joke

If there's one thing I can do in this world, it's take a joke that's only mildly funny, and run it in to the ground. Around a year ago I was pleased to find that a coworker of mine, Sean N, shared the exact same trait. You may remember Sean from such previous works as the portrait of two girls riding on a dolphin.

When I first met Sean, his friend J.R. had gotten him calling everything "Baller". Soon I was using "Baller", Sean L was using "Baller"... "Baller" usage was spiraling out of control at the office.

Just as the "Baller" phenomenon started to die down the following picture was taken with the simple caption, "This is how Ballers do the laundry"

Soon a comment showed up that read, "Ballers Use Tide"

After that, the word Baller was often replaced with Tide. "Man, that car is so Tide", etc.

I later saw a video by Chingy that started with the comment, "Do you want to know what the definition…

Lessons in Personal Contact

For the past two and a half years, since my forceful reintroduction to being social with real people, in real life, I've put forth considerable effort to change certain things about myself to help ease the pain of this reintroduction. One thing I've worked hard on is personal contact. By personal contact I mean: hugging, shaking hands, and to a lesser extent eye contact.

In my younger days these things all came naturally. I knew when I was supposed to hug someone and when I was supposed to shake someone's hand. According to archaeologists using advanced carbon dating, that knowledge was lost to me sometime between 1992 and 1993 and has since not been rediscovered, but that doesn't stop me from trying.

Over the past year I've come up with ways to compensate for these deficiencies. When meeting someone, male or female I always try to shake their hand. When saying goodbye I try to shake their hand and if I'm feeling the hug vibe then I usually make a joke out of it …