I've told my friend Ana on numerous occasions that I should write a book on how not to interact with women. When I majored in Computer Sci and took a job as a computer programmer I surrendered any hope of social normalcy when it comes to members of the opposite sex, and am therefore somewhat of an expert on the subject of how not to act.
That being said, at least I'm aware of my social issues and do my best, but more often than not I end up doing things like diverting my eyes in a downward direction to avoid eye contact with a cute girl I just met. For those of you playing the home game, the downward direction from a girl's eyes usually ends up being the chest area.
I doubt I'll ever finish that book, but I do find stories of me being horrible with women amusing, and some of these should be kept around for posterity.
I felt I should start with a trip in the way back machine for a few different reasons.
A) This is probably one of my best moments, and best stories.
B) I typed this up a while ago and sent it to a friend, so its ready to go now, and that makes my job a lot easier.
C) It sets up numerous future stories that pertain to the same girl.
D) It's as much a goof on my mom as it is me.
So, without further ado... the story of how I met Angela:
My mom is a higher up in the parks and recreation department for the city. What that means to her is that she has good pay, security, and benefits. What that means to me is that I've been single for over a year, and she's got a ton of girls from the ages of 18-30 working for her.
About a year before this story takes place I had broken up with my girlfriend of around 6 years, and my mom was kind of worried about me. I guess my bedpost just doesn't have as many notches as my mom would like and it bothers her. I counter her worry by giving her a hard time. Every time she asks me about girls I say, "Well, you're the one sitting on a gold mine Mom when are you going to swing the bat for me?"
This had been going on for a while with her, but it was all fun and games. One day I was sitting in my office at work when my mom called to ask if I wanted to go to lunch with her. I work about 25 miles from her, so I had never gone out to lunch with her on a work day unless she was in my neck of the woods.
"Oh, are you downtown for another conference today mom? Where do you want to go?"
"No, I was wondering if you wanted to come up here"
"Um... I generally don't take a 3 hour lunch"
"Well, it's Friday maybe you should"
"Did Grandma die?"
My brother's girlfriend just happened to be at my mom's office so she grabbed the phone and informed me that there was a girl that my mom wanted me to meet. This made a lot more sense. I figured mom probably had horrible taste in women for me, and nothing would come of it. I generally hate a setup since I'm nervous as hell around anything resembling a female, but I figured the sheer awkwardness of the whole situation was worth a trip. And it was Friday. And I wasn't doing anything anyhow. So, I hopped in the car and drove out to North Phoenix. When I arrived, my mom explained to me that she had invited half the office since she didn't want it to look like a setup.
I was lucky enough to get a seat across from "Angela", and I really did like her. She was cute, fun, humorous, and had a nice smile. My mom spent half of lunch trying to talk me up, and the other half of lunch trying to nonchalantly explain why I was at what had become an office lunch. I drove back to the office having had a good time, but knowing I'd probably never see the girl again.
My mom, being a mom, was really excited. About an hour later I got a phone call from her.
"So, that Angela is really nice huh?"
"Yeah, amazing mom, you wanna go ring shopping with me later this weekend? I wanna make sure I get a good one!"
30 minutes later my mom and I were knee deep in an email conversation where I was asking her all sorts of sarcastic questions. "Is she single? How does she feel about short guys? How tall was she anyhow? Does she like nerds? DS or PSP?"
My mom responded quickly with an email detailing Angela's dating history for the past few years, which worried me because my mom is about as subtle as an elephant waltzing around in a Czech Republic disco. I decided to call to figure out where said info had come from.
"Mom, what did you ask this poor girl? You're her boss, you gotta play it cool."
"No, I played it real cool. I was just talking to her office-mate and I brought it up in conversation."
By a strange coincidence, Angela's office-mate(Stacy) was a good friend of my sister's. Later that day Stacey and my sister shared a phone call.
"Whats up with your mom?"
"What do you mean?"
"Um she just walked into my office and asked me if Angela was gay. When I said I didn't think so she asked if she was dating anyone."
"Oh, my mom's dumb and she's trying to hook Angela up with my brother"
Real smooth mom
A few months later I was sitting at home playing video games in my undies, or something equally nerdy when the phone buzzed. It was a text message from my sister insising that I call her.
"The good news is, Stacy invited Angela to Happy Hour. You're right, she is great. She's really cute, and a lot of fun. The bad news is she's had a girlfriend for about a year and a half."
"Mom is so getting fired for sexual in-sensitivity"