Thursday, November 05, 2009

Now Accepting Applications

One of my personal rules is to not blog about video games if possible. It just doesn't seem that the general population would have any clue what I'm talking about, but I think this is a special occasion. This isn't just any video game.

Grab your biggest red marker and throw a circle around next Sunday on your calendar. On November 15th, 2009, it is on. If you're someone who has bladder control issues I suggest you go grab a spare pair of chonies right now because the news I'm about to drop on you is pee-your-pants exciting.

That's right, New Super Mario Wii comes out next Sunday.

So what's the big deal you ask? "New Super Mario" is a new line of Mario games designed in the image of the original Mario game(s). You know, the one from your childhood(Assuming your childhood encompassed 1986). There's a run button, a jump button, and not much else. This is the closest you can get to reliving your past without a Delorean, a crazy doctor, and one point twenty one jiggowatts of power. In this iteration of the beloved series, creator Miyamoto is giving the game multiplayer action: Four nerds simultaneously galumphing Gombas, kicking Koopas, bouncing off Bob-ombs and hating on Hammer Bros.

For that reason I've decided to open the floor and accept applications for my Mario Team. I'm currently looking for 3 people skilled in the arts of Bowser bashing and Peach protecting to form one Mario super group(pun intended). Please see the following job posting. If you feel you are qualified for the position, please respond in the comments, or send your resume and cover letter to Sesquipedalis.



Sesquipedalis is currently seeking a highly motivated individual well versed in the workings of the Mushroom Kingdom. The ideal candidate will be familiar with traversing pipes and navigating treacherous castles. Must enjoy mushrooms and have an ability to rise to the occasion. Calloused thumbs, strong jumping skills, knowledge of botany, and a desire to play with fire all considered a plus.

Please indicate the following in your submission:
1) What is your favorite Mario game?
2) How many Mario games have you personally played through?
3) Daisy or Peach?
4) If you were a Yoshi, what color would you be, and why?
5) What's your favorite Mario power up, and why?

Feel free to add any personal information that the recruiter should know to assist in ensuring the right candidate gets the job.

9 comments:

  1. I had a whole joke worked out in my head that was a Marsellus Wallace(From Pulp Fiction) spoof.

    I'm prepared to scour the mushroom kingdom for Bowser. If that Koopa goes to 4-3 I want a Toad hiding in a patch of flowers waiting to pop 8 caps in his ass.

    But then I saw this. I'm wondering if maybe I had seen it before, because it's so similar:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fuTS_AcjA00

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  2. Damn it, I just had to wait till I got to work to check your post. Now I have to go back home and change my pants... damn it.

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  3. I would normally be an obvious choice for ringer of the group, but you're competing against the unstoppable juggernaut that is COD:MW2, to which I've devoted my Q4 2009 and Q1 2010.

    However, to squelch your curiosity:

    1) What is your favorite Mario game?

    Super Mario 64. Best video game of all time, IMO. Introduced analog control, open 3d environments, and a free-roaming camera, and pretty much perfected all of them from the get-go.

    2) How many Mario games have you personally played through?

    Depends if you count off-shoots, like Dr. Mario, the Paper Marios, Yoshi's Island, Luigi's Mansion, Mario is Missing, Mario Teaches Typing, the Mario Karts, etc. If so, the answer is "a ton." If not, the answer is "a whole bunch."

    3) Daisy or Peach?

    Peach. I like a continuously helpless girl constantly needing a man to come save her, helping perpetuate 1950's Mad Men-style misogynistic ideals.

    4) If you were a Yoshi, what color would you be, and why?

    Blue. He can fly, which helps with his sometimes-questionable platforming abilities.

    5) What's your favorite Mario power up, and why?

    For functionality: fireballs. Their long-range attacking ability dominates the hammer bros., Bowsers and other bosses, as well as piranha plants. They're cheap, but all's fair in love, war, and Mario.

    For novelty: the tanooki suit. Besides the cool name, it introduced flying to the series (though the cape perfected it,) and it graced the cover of SMB3, a game so monumental it spawned a mediocre movie that got my 10 year old ass to the theater first thing in the morning on its opening day.

    "I love the Power Glove. It's so bad."

    J.R.

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  4. sean has been talking about this nonstop. have him answer your questions tomorrow. he'd be great. you can play while you're "at work"

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  5. is it mandatory that applicants be able to beat the old game using only their toes?

    we are all novices comparatively sir.

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  6. lol. I'll give it a go

    1) What is your favorite Mario game?

    Super Mario Brothers 3, followed closely Super Mario World.

    Mario 3 had Hammer Brother suites, that alone secures it a position at the top.

    2) How many Mario games have you personally played through?

    Mario 1
    Mario 2
    Mario 3
    Super Mario World
    Mario RPG
    A least 2 of the paper mario i think
    Mario64
    Mario Sunshine

    I'm sure there is a couple I'm missing.

    3) Daisy or Peach?
    Daisy.
    5) What's your favorite Mario power up, and why?
    I don't know the proper name for is, but in mario three you could get a power up that gave you a raccoon tail that was always in the flying state for one level. That was the bomb, and really helped with some level 8 boards. It was sometimes a reward from peach after defeating a level boss.

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  7. Missed the yoshi question.

    I'm going to have to agree with JR. on this one. I can't even remember the other yoshis. Wasn't there a red fire one, and a yellow stomping one?

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  8. baw waw waw waw wot wot wot...

    I would be there with my application and "adult diapers" in a second but having a fake 'real job' gets in the way and I'll be in California until Sunday night. If you extend the application deadline however...

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  9. 1) What is your favorite Mario game?
    Super Mario Brother’s 3. Hands Down. Why you may ask? Well, first of all, Nintendo NES is the love of my life. Although we have a slight problem with dependability, NES Ned is pretty much my life. As for Super Mario Brothers 3, the main reason I hold it so dear in my heart is because not a lot of people are better than me. Except this guy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPuhOb-zc_4. But to be fair, I have do not have a recording device to show my expertise. How did I get to become such an expert you may ask? Three reasons: Older brother and sister would old hang out with me if we played Nintendo, no friends, fat kid. Enough said?

    On a side note, I like to be rewarded in the desert with a card game where I can win prizes if I do a good job in my previous world, just a suggestion if you ever feel as if I’m doing a good job in the real world desert we call home.

    2) How many Mario games have you personally played through?

    Mario Kart, Yoshi’s Island, Mario 1, Mario 2
, Mario 3…and my personal best…Game Boy Advanced Mario to name a few.

    3) Daisy or Peach?
    Neither. Secret option C: The Hammer Brothers. If I was a Hammer Brother, I wouldn’t be such a weak little bitch.

    4) If you were a Yoshi, what color would you be, and why?
    Pink. I have to conform to the stereotypical notions of femininity here.

    5) What's your favorite Mario power up, and why?
    Tie between Kuribo’s Shoe and Racoon Suit. You know why.

    - FLIP CUP

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