Monday, August 21, 2006

When a cute Chilean girl asks you if you like chocolate, you say "yes"

After my dissapointingly abrupt ending to my "Semester with Ana" I figured I'd never see the girl again. Due to work picking up I was only taking one class the following semester and it was late in the day. The chances of running into the same person at ASU tend to be quite slim, so I had kind of let it go.

I made it my habit to come to school just a little bit early to avoid rush hour that semester. My class was right by the computer lab, so I could sit out on a bench with my laptop and check email, work, etc. To my surprise I saw Ana pass by a few times while sitting there. She would sometimes say hi, but it was that nervous kind of hello when you see someone you're not sure you want to talk to, but you know them so you feel obligated.

So, about once a week I would see this girl. I never had a chance to really talk to her because she was always in a group, and she never seemed interested in talking to me. Being a true nerd I sometimes get a little nervous talking to girls, especially one I've had a crush on for half a year. Knowing this, I had at least a question or two that I'd ask her thought out before hand so I didn't say anything completely retarded should the opportunity present itself. The last thing I need is to finally talk to this girl and say, "I like your boobies", so a little premeditation is a good thing.

Just after Valentines day I was sitting in my usual spot working on my laptop. I must have been engrossed in my work because Ana was nearly right in front of me before I looked up and noticed her. I was caught a little off guard, but she came over and started making small talk with me. I went back to my questions I had thought out..."So what classes are you taking this semester?""How did your classes go last semester?"

The whole time the voice in my head is saying, "For god's sake, don't say anything stupid." over and over again. I'm sweating, I'm nervous, and I'm really worried I'm about to do something dumb. Luckily I make it through the whole conversation. We finish our chat and she goes to class. I'm quite proud of myself for making it through without blowing it. "Maybe I've turned a corner." I think to myself, "Maybe I'm not quite the dork I think I am."

20 minutes later I'm surprised to see her walk by again, and she heads straight for me. Her hands are behind her back and she leans over and says, "Jesse would you like a kiss?" As she does this she pulls her hands forward to reveal a bunch of Hershey's Kisses. At this time there's a million slightly clever things that I could have said...
"But Ana, I hardly know you"
"Shouldn't you buy me dinner first?"

But instead I opened my mouth and went with, "I don't like chocolate."

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Something to be thankful for, and mom makes me the fat kid down the street for x-mas

It was probably August or September when I had lunch with my mom and met Angela. At the time I thought the story was over, but I didn't let my mom know that. I now had amunition, and I used it.

"How was work today mom? Did Angela ask about me?"

My mom's birthday was in October, and she had just survived a major aneurysm, so we decided to throw her a big party. My sister invited my mom's entire office, and Angela showed up. We exchanged a few words, and I got to meet the girlfriend. She was a bit older(40ish?), and didn't really seem to like any of us, or was just anti-social. They spent the whole night fighting and left early so I really didn't get much interaction.

As Thanksgiving aproached my mom told me that Angela was coming to dinner at our house. We generally have a big dinner and invite anyone who wants to come, but it was odd to me that she'd invite a girl who worked for her. It turns out Angela doesn't get along well with her mom on account of her being gay, and her dad lives in Seattle. She doesn't get along well with the girlfriend's mom either, so she decided to take my mom up on her offer for dinner at our house.

My grandfather was there and spent half the time telling me, "She's cute, you should get her number." and the other half of the time telling her, "Have you met my grandson? He's not married"

Not wanting to explain lesbianism(As if I'm an expert) to him, or worse yet have him make a scene, I told him, "I think she's got somebody if you know what I mean dude.... and I don't think you do".

Dinner was nice, albeit uneventful. I switched into normal Jesse mode and avoided eye contact and didn't say much. We were all going to see "Walk the line" afterwards, but her girlfriend called and she quickly took off.

Again I didn't hear much on that front for a while, but a few days before Christmas my mom said, "Stacy and Angela and some people are going to happy hour up at McDuffy's and told me to tell you to swing by". At this point in time I wouldn't call myself "friends" with any of these people so it was odd that they'd invite me to happy hour, but I figured, "What the hell. I need to be more social."

I got up there and a few people were there. Angela's girlfriend hadn't arrived yet, but they were all looking for her. They weren't looking for her in an excited way, but more nervous. I felt like I was waiting for the Vietcong to jump out of a bush and slit my throat. Everyone kept talking about how she was angry and Angela kept saying, "I'm in trouble."

About this time Stacy told me that my mom had overheard them making plans to go to happy hour and told her that she should invite me. So now I felt like the fat kid down the street that your mom made you choose for the basketball team. I'm 28 years old and my mom is telling the other kids to play with me, great.

Rather than be shy and wussy I decided I'd do a 180 and be as loud and goofy as I could. I was loud and obnoxious and generally had a good time. Angela's girlfriend arrived and I tried to talk to her, but she was very standoffish. The more I felt she didn't want to talk to me, the more I tried, but eventually she dissapeared. She was gone for a good hour when Angela informed me, "She's upset with me and sitting in the car to punish me." I found it quite odd that a 40 year old woman would pout in the car, but nobody asked for my opinion, so I kept it to myself.

The night ended with me leaving for a Curium concert in Tempe. About that time Kristen(Angela's girlfriend) was walking back in so I invited her to come with me, but all she said was, "Have fun"

Friday, August 04, 2006

Ana vs. Joe the Nerd

While Dave was the loud obnoxious in your face nerd, the second nerd in my group, Joe, was just the opposite. Joe had a very slight stuttering problem that became a very major stuttering problem whenever Ana was speaking to him or he was called on in class. Joe also, as many nerds do, had a tendency to stick his foot in his mouth, especially when speaking to Ms. Ana.

I felt a little bad for the kid and generally tried to deflect for him, or help him save a little face. Unfortunately this wasn't always possible.

Joe didn't normally say much, but on one occasion, he must have had one too many Mountain Dews or something because he was very excited and very eager to discuss things. He wasn't making the most sense, but he kept on.

"I heard in Japan they have a processor that's like 10 times faster than the fastest Pentium. I heard in Japan they have hard drives that are terabytes in size. I heard in Japan they have the most amazing gaming console and it's like way better than the XBOX."

I'm not sure if Joe had just seen an A & E special on the land of the rising sun or if he thought this would impress Ana. I could see her eyes getting bigger as the onslaught of information (Mostly incorrect) spewed from his mouth and hit her square in the face. She was too polite to do anything so finally I decided to pull out the obscure reference book and put an end to Joe's verbal suicide.

"I heard in Japan they have a candy bar with more moviefone.com in it, I said with my normal dryness."

That finally stopped him and they both turned to look at me as if I had just said the dumbest thing they'd ever heard, and were looking for an explanation. I normally don't explain my obscure references, but for some reason I felt obligated this time.

"Been to the movies lately?" I asked. "There's that commercial where the girl is eating a candy bar and says it's great, but she wishes it had more moviefone.com in it. Then she says she bets the Japanese have a candy bar like that. It's really quite stupid."

I thought by me playing the idiot I had in essence taken Joe's foot out of his mouth and ended the conversation. At this point I had hoped we could all agree that I was an ass and move on to something more productive, but Joe wasn't done quite yet.

"Oh, I've seen that commercial. That girl has a funny voice. She sounds kind of like you Ana"

I'm not really sure if she took offense to this, or just pretended to take offense, but she quickly shot back with an angered look on her face, "Are you saying I have a funny voice?!"

At this point, having been put on the spot, Joe's stuttering kicked it in to high gear and I don't think he got another complete word out before class started and we got to work.

Ana vs. Dave the Nerd

Probably the best part of being in a computer class with Ana was the fact that I was now a little bit older, and slightly more prepared to handle the uneasiness that a beautiful woman can impart upon a nerd such as me. The other three nerds in my group, however, did not have that luxury. It was sad for them, but brought me much amusement throughout the semester.

On one occasion we were sitting in class working on a project together. I'm at the keyboard, and Ana's right next to me.... dangerously close. So close that I can smell her perfume. I have a slight thing for girls who smell nice, but Im making a strong effort to concentrate on my studies, and not this beautiful girl sitting beside me.

Dave, another nerd in my group, is sitting right behind her. He's also dangerously close, with his head right behind hers. Now at this point, this girl is still a total mystery to me, but if there's one thing thats painfully obvious to me it's that Ana is a very proper girl. You can tell. She's always dressed nicely, always wearing makeup, and always looking just perfect.

As I'm sitting there typing, Dave lets out this horrendous belch. It's the kind of burp that a guy would normally high five another guy for if no girls were around. It's the kind of burp that clears a room. It's foul.

Dave, being the true nerd that he is, doesn't cover his mouth, doesn't turn to the side, but lays it out, right in the back of this poor girl's head. Even I didnt see this coming. I thought even Dave had more class than that, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm trying hard not to laugh, or bust his balls, which is quite a task for me, and I look over at her, and I think I see a hint of a smile, and I lose it.

I start laughing my head off....

About a minute after the burp, Dave... completely oblivious to his lack of tact, smacks me on the shoulder and says, "What are you laughing at?"

And I reply, "Nothing, sorry"

"Are you laughing at your program? God you're such a nerd."

I just smiled, and accepted my new label as a Huge Nerd and finished up my program. I was never quite sure if she knew what I was laughing about or not, but it really didnt matter.