There's a Time and Place to Flirt

A few weeks ago I got really sick in the middle of the day. I was working at home, and suddenly had the worst headache of my life. I laid on the ground in pain, and for a few minutes I thought I might actually be dying.

They say people see their life flash before their eyes when they are about to die, but all I could think about was how Arrested Development was finally coming back on the air and I wasn't going to be around to see it. I was pissed.

When the pain finally died down I drove myself to the ER where I was subjected to various tests.

First there was the blood work. Even in my weakened state, I couldn't help but notice the nurse taking my blood was exceptionally cute. She lead me to the next room where another ridiculously cute nurse started hooking me up to an IV.

"This might make you feel like you're peeing your pants. Well, it'll make you feel pretty warm downstairs anyhow." she said with a bit of a smile.

Reliving a particularly painful third grade memory wasn't exactly at the top of my to do list, but I figured I should just go along with it. By this time I was feeling a bit out of it, and the doctor finally came in.

"So, how are you feeling Mr... Bearden?"
"This wasn't exactly what I had planned when I woke up this morning." I was interrupted by someone screaming in pain down the hall, "but I guess it could be worse"

The doctor looked a shocking amount like Scarlett Johansson, and now I was starting to wonder if someone was screwing with me. A few hours later the tests had all come back negative, and Scarlett told me that she wanted to do a spinal tap. I was not enthused, but eventually gave in.

The nurse took me to a different room and I thought told me to take my top off and lay face down. I did as instructed and a few minutes later Scarlett came in to the room.

"What are you doing?"
"I thought the nurse told me to lay down"
"Uh... no. You'll be sitting up for this."

My face warmed in embarrassment to match my personal area.

As the doctor iodined up my back and searched for the spot to thrust a needle in to my spine she explained what I should expect.

"Well, you're young and skinny, so I don't expect any complications"

In my pumped-full-of-drugs-raging-headache'd brain I thought that this was the perfect time for a joke. In my mind I decided to say, "Look, you're a beautiful lady and I can see where this is going. I'm flattered. Really, I am. But don't you think we should fix me before we talk about this?"

What actually came out was a little closer to, "I... think.... you're just... being nice... because you're... about to stick me"

It also either came out so quiet that she didn't hear me, or she chose to ignore me. It's probably for the best.

Nerd Word(s): I'm flattered

I'm flattered
- Response

1. A negative response to a statement that was clearly not intended as a compliment or come on

[ Origin: I don't actually remember when I started saying this ]

- usage
1. "You like the Phoenix Suns? I like them too!"
"Look... I can see where this is going. And I'm flattered. I really am. But you? Me? I think we can both agree that it just wouldn't work out baby. But I promise you there's someone out there for you"

DJ Jazzy Jesse: Part 2

One of the first posts I ever wrote was about how I share my name with a DJ in Oregon, and occasionally get his emails. I hadn't gotten one in a long time, so when one from "Nicole" arrived, I decided to reply.

Hi Nicole!

First of all, congratulations on your wedding. What a truly magical time in your life, and I appreciate you sharing the schedule with me. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so I feel like you're rubbing it in a little. I'm going to let that slide because I know it's been a busy time for you, and keeping up with what's going on in my life probably hasn't been your number one concern. (Side note, are any of your bridesmaids in to short nerds? I'm just saying, you could do me a solid )

Secondly, I'm not sure how I feel about playing "Big Green Tractor". Be honest with yourself, is that really a wedding song? How would you feel about throwing out the whole mix and just going with Journey's greatest hits? I'm an expert in these kinds of things, and I guarantee that by the time "Faithfully" hits, there will be so many people crying that you could get Kleenex to sponsor this wedding. You'll think you were at an onion cutting convention. People will talk about it for years to come. Everyone loves Journey Nicole. Everyone.

Also, you won't have to waste time burning copies of those wedding CD's that everyone hands out these days, but nobody listens to. You can just hand them a copy from the store. Guests will appreciate that extra level of effort and class.

Third, what are you guys serving? I hope it's crab cakes. I love crab cakes.

In closing, I believe you've reached the wrong Jesse Bearden. I'm a software engineer from Phoenix, and the only DJing I do is DJ Hero on the Xbox. Not to brag, but I once got 300,000 points on "Intergalatic", so maybe you should have me do it. Do you really want some schmuck running your dollar dance who couldn't even break 200k? You ask that guy for his high scores. Anything under 250 is bush league and you deserve better. Remember, it's your day Nicole.

If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me which email you were trying to reach? I get emails about weddings somewhat regularly and I'd like to be able to forward them on the the right place.

Jesse

P.S. I'm serious about those Bridesmaids. Anyone cute and in to nerds?

P.P.S All jokes aside, here's a link to that Journey album. If you don't already have a copy, let me know and I'll send you one as a wedding present.

The Pizza and Taco Diet: Sean Gets Skinny

Sean and I used to constantly make jokes about each other's weight. I'm not even sure where it started because we were both only about ten pounds overweight, but we still teased each other unmercifully. It was just our thing.

"Oh. A second donut, eh fat ass?" I'd ask, as I passed him on the way to the office kitchen, secretly hoping he hadn't taken the last one.

"Would you like the eight or the twelve piece?" the Chick-Fil-A worker would ask.
"Oh, I'll take the twelve"
"Yeah, look at him. He's only ordering the twelve because you don't have a twenty piece."

"Do you guys want to walk to lunch or drive?"
"Well, I'm down to walk, but I doubt Size Large over there has the stamina to walk half a mile unless there's a park bench between here and there."

In August Sean decided that enough was enough. His kids were getting to the age that he was chasing them all over the place, and he took this as a sign that it was time to get in to shape. He wanted me to join him in his quest to get thin, but two things stopped me. First, I truly believed that losing ten pounds would just result in putting back fifteen once I stopped. Second, I was coupled and happy. If Rachael accepted me chubby, why bother getting skinny?

The thing about Sean is, when he starts something, he doesn't start small. He researches. He focuses. He dedicates himself. Normally this dedication lasts about a week until something new and shiny has come along, but if the Liang Prank taught us anything, it's that when he really sinks his teeth in to something, he doesn't screw around. Within a week he had a diet web page set up with the following mission statement:

I want to be skinny enough that I can call Jesse Bearden a fat ass without him being able to respond.

Good luck with that tubby, I thought as he droned on about calories and shoe-less jogging in the office.

To my surprise, three months later Sean had dropped twenty five pounds and seemed to be keeping it off. Even more surprising, he wasn't spending every waking moment rubbing it in my face like I would have done were the roles reversed. Of course by that time I was no longer coupled, and feeling less than emotionally fantastic.

When I get down emotionally, stage one is wallowing in it. This is followed shortly by stage two which is, "As long as you're going to be worthless, you might as well work on you." With that in mind, I soon joined Sean's diet crusade...

Sesquipedalis 2.0

I fully intended to be "done" with the new blog layout and everything by this time, but I realized something: Writing regularly is hard.

There are still a few things left that I need to fix, but for the most things "work" now, and I'll continue to fix them up as I try to get back in the habit of writing. You'll notice a few tabs at the top of the page. Hopefully those will be living documents that I update and perfect as I go. There are a few more coming that aren't quite done yet, but I am working on them.

Please let me know if you find something that isn't working, or if I've totally screwed something up.

The biggest change is to the commenting system. It may seem a bit unnecessary and overwhelming at first, but I was really getting tired of trying to keep spam off of the Shaq post, and I went looking for something new. Definitely let me know if you have issues with it, and if you completely hate the new comment system and don't want to use it, you can always email me at sesquipedalis@gmail.com.

- Jesse

Under Construction

So, I've been meaning to change a few things on the layout of the blog. I'm going to spend the next week, or two weeks, or year fixing it up. Hopefully I won't break anything in the meantime, but you'll be seeing some changes for a while. I'll post when I'm done, and maybe talk a little about what's happening.

I should note that the commenting section is being worked on as well. Right now, if you leave a comment, there's a chance it'll disappear, so if you've got something important to say, hit me up at my email.

Sesquipedalis@gmail.com

Nerd Word(s): Don't Take My Shoelaces Away

Don't Take My Shoelaces Away
- Statement

1. "I'm fine"

[ Origin: I believe that when prisoners or mental health patients are suspected of being suicidal, their shoelaces are taken away, or they are given shoes without them for fear of strangulation by shoelace. ]

- usage
1. "Man, when Ron Artest got that rebound and put back, that had to be one of the worst moments as a Suns fan. Are you going to be okay?"
"So long as Steve Nash is a Sun, you don't have to take my shoelaces away."

2. "There's a rumor that Miyamoto won't be directing the next Zelda game."
"You don't have to take my shoelaces away until we at least see how it turns out."