Nerd Rule(s): Female Naming Conventions

When discussing any female, whether there is a possibility of romance or not, she should be referred to by a geographical location until such a time that her real name is suitable, or an alternative nickname has been set in place and is agreed upon by all parties.

[ Origin: My good friend Adam is currently living in Germany. Through the miracles of modern technology(Instant Messaging), we've been able to keep in touch and talk on a near daily basis. One popular topic is women, and due to my bad memory, it was necessary to develop an alternative naming scheme that was easy to remember. ]

- examples
1. Ana - Chile
2. Jo - Chicago
3. Ruth - Ohio
4. Mandi - Montana
5. Rachael - Kansas

Chair Building

Back in August of last year I made a silly video about a chair. That story can be found here.

Well, last night my friend Adam suggested I submit it to iReport. They were looking for Tetris related content for the 25th anniversary of Tetris. I followed Adam's advice, and awoke to an email from someone at turner.com.

My video was tagged with an "On CNN" mark, and I later found it here on the cnn video site:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/ireports/2009/06/04/irpt.tetris.chair.build.cnn

I haven't gotten any other feedback from them, so I don't know if it's airing on TV or not. I find the whole thing fairly amusing, because without any explanation the video makes no sense. Hell, it makes no sense even with explanation.

Jesse B and The Case of the Missing Umbrella(Part 1)

There comes a time in every P.I.'s life when he ends up his own client.  My pal Murray used to say, "Better a gumshoe who's his own client than a heart surgeon".  Of course that was before Murray went to jail.  A leggy blond with a huge rack hitting on a scrawny kid from Sausalito is about as out of place as Michael Phelps at a public pool wearing a pair of orange floaties, but Murray always did think with his lower brain.  Until the cops fished her out, the blond spent the better part of a week at the bottom of the East River with a knife in her back, a gag in her mouth, and Murray's finger prints all over her like Amy Winehouse at a free meth handout.  Murray?  Well, Murray ended up getting a double life sentence despite the fact that it was an obvious set up.

The point is, when it's your ass on the line, when push comes to shove, that's when the real detectives are separated from the kids with the Fisher Price action detective play set. It's the time when the Holmes of the world show their stuff.  The Columbos.  The Magnums.

My first self client case wasn't anything quite so serious as a murder rap, but that didn't make it any easier. Any sleuth worth his salt will tell you that even the smallest mystery carries with it a certain urgency. Every folder you place in the U filing cabinet under "Unsolved" is reminder of your own failings. They weigh you down. They keep you up at night.  

This particular case revolved around a unique missing item, or I should say set of missing items.  Umbrellas in fact, but not just any umbrellas. These were those special white umbrellas they use when you go to a professional photog. 

You see, in my younger days my associate Adam O and I had fancied ourselves pioneers in the independent movie market. We were young and full of dreams. It was a time of innocence, before the real world had chewed me up and spit me out a hardened man.  Back then, every day was a new adventure and the world was my oyster.  I don't see Adam much anymore.  Not like the old days anyhow.  He was seduced by a frisky frau from Berlin and has since taken up residency across the pond.

In our youth we'd saved and bought some doodads that we were sure would assist us on our way to our directorial destiny. Adam had a fancy Japanese made microphone, and I had purchased a professional lighting kit complete with umbrellas.

I had all but forgotten that lighting kit until an August afternoon many years later I had need of it once again.  With the economy in a downturn and most people turning to Google for their answers, work had been slow.  I found myself working key grip on the set of a motion picture titled, "How to Build a Chair". It was a small job, but it filled the space in between cases.  Everything was ready to shoot except for the lights.  The fluorescent bulbs of the set just weren't cutting the havarti, and we need something a little better.  Something a little more professional.

How to Build a Chair (in twelve easy notes)

What people are already saying about Jesse's smash new short film:

"Wow. You're a huge dork. You know that right? Just Wow"
"Did you consider editing yourself out and adding a girl? Maybe a cute one?"
"You seriously need a girlfriend"
"Uh... how long did you spend making that?"

First, the movie. Then the long boring explanation.

I can't complain too much about my job. The hours are flexible, I spend a lot of time screwing around, and I've got a pretty neat office all to myself. The rub though, is that I don't have any office furniture. There is furniture to be had, but it never seems to end up in my office. Aside from my desk and a crappy old chair, I've got nothin. Sean got a free couch for god's sake, and all I've got is a big wide open office.

It works like this. There is a set amount of furniture. If you have a piece, it's yours forever. When you quit, everyone swarms on your office like kids at fat camp to a Snickers and picks the room clean. I'm non-confrontational in nature, and small, which has hurt me in the furniture gathering process.

One day, in protest, I decided to build a chair out of some old mailer boxes that we had lying around. Jim, a coworker and I spent a while arranging and rearranging boxes until we had what vaguely resembled a chair. At lunch I was showing off the chair and announced my idea of shooting a small stop motion film of it coming together when another coworker, Jeremy Cheek added, "You should set that to the theme from Tetris", and that's when the idea started to spiral out of control.

I ran the idea and some of my thoughts by Adam one night. He lives in Germany now, but growing up, he was the Martin Lawrence to my Will Smith. Adam is sort of a master of taking projects from "Silly Idea" to "Silly Completed Project", so it was good to have him on my side, and the collaboration from around the world was interesting.

After kicking back and forth a few ideas we decided on a Pied Piper sort of idea where I'd play the guitar in a split screen to control the blocks. Adam had a great idea about a top to bottom split(See his storyboard here), but I wasn't sure that I could get that done solo.

There are a bunch of mistakes, but I don't think they're too noticeable any more. The low quality of youtube actually hides most of them, and I did some fancy editing to try to remove as much as I could.

Hopefully people recognize the song that I'm playing (quite horribly), and the reference of the intro.

Edit: You can now watch the video in HD also.

What You Should Be Watching Right Now

My main man Adam recently sent me a link to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Despite the fact that Adam has been hiding out in Germany, on the lam for a crime of passion, he still has his finger closer to the pulse of American pop culture than I ever will. I'm not really sure how something as big and amazing as this project got on to the Internet, my Internet, without me discovering it first, but it did.

Dr. Horrible is a little web only, 3 episode show by Joss Whedon. If you don't know who Joss Whedon is, then you probably don't belong on this blog. It also stars Neil Patrick Harris(Doogie!/Barney!) and Captain Maclom Reynolds himsef, Nathan Fillion. Not to mention the absolutely adorable...

You know what, never mind. I'll shut up. Cancel your plans for tonight, take a long lunch, or whatever. The next 45 minutes are about to be 132% more awesome for you than they would have been. You can thank me later.

Adam directs a movie

I've been traveling a lot, and at times without net access. That probably doesn't seem like a big deal for you, but for me it's like traveling without my legs. It sucks. At any rate, I leave again on Sunday for Chicago and as I probably won't have time to finish the 2 or 3 blog entries I've been working on I thought I'd leave you with this.

6 or 7 years ago, before "the man" had sucked any uniqueness and motivation out of me, I loved working on projects. The project itself wasn't all that important, as long as it was a goal that I could work hard towards and then give up on somewhere between 60 and 80 percent completion.

With that in mind I was quite happy to assist Adam when he called me with an idea for a school project. He was supposed to do an architectural review of a building and he had chosen the Harkins Centerpoint. Since he was reviewing a theater he decided to do the project in video format. I'd like to think Adam called me first due to my artistic ability, but the fact that I owned a digital camcorder was probably a major selling point too.

Adam's a great guy to do these kinds of things with since he's fairly visual and has a good eye for shooting movies. The only real issue I had with doing projects with him is that he actually completes them, and that's a bit off putting for me. I'm not used to working that way.

I mostly served as camera man, key grip, and best boy. I think Adam did everything else. So without further ado, straight from 2001, the premier of... "11 pictures in a box"

Nerd Word(s): I saw that on pop up video

I saw that on pop up video
- support statement

1. A made up support statement used to help prove something that in fact is a lie.

[ Origin: In 1998 I was hanging out with some friends when we had the following conversation:

Rose: I know 3 drummers named Josh what's with
that?
Adam: Actually, 67% of all drummers are
named Josh.
Jesse: Oh, did you see that pop up
video too?
Rose: Oh

At this point everyone just nodded in acceptance ]

- synonyms
Note: This Nerd Phrase is unique in that it evolves with time like a species unto itself.
1. (2001) I read on the internet...

2. (2004) I was listening to NPR and...

3. (2006) Oh yeah, I read that on wikipedia...

4. (2007) Jon Stewart made some vague reference the other night to the fact that...

Nerd Word(s): I don't know what that means.

I don't know what that means
- statement

1. A statement often made after a particularly mean or crude joke to "soften" the blow.

2. Used after an obscure joke to deflect from blank stares.

3. Used to distance yourself from a friend's particularly bad joke.

Sometimes followed by, "But I do know this..." and a totally unrelated fact.

[ Origin: An Adam O Original ]

- synonyms
1. I... I don't know what that means.
2. I don't even know what that means.

- usage
"Yeah, he looked Dom DeLuise in Cannonball Run II trying to get where he was going while Burt Reynolds is off chatting up the ladies trying to get his..." pause "I don't know what that means..."

"Man that was really hard"
"That's what you mom said last night..." pause "I...I don't know what that means... But I do know this... You never hit a woman"