The Valentine's Day Wrap Up Part 1:J.R. Wins

I realize it's been an exceptionally long time since I last "blogged". I had a whole post written out explaining why, but then I realized, nobody cares. I've decided to kick off my (semi)return to blogging with a few stories that have been sitting in the vault for a while.

This particular story is probably one of the bigger ones of my life, but then 5 days later I met Shaq at a diner, and that story sort of occupied my time for a while.

Back in February I ran a contest to send flowers out on Valentine's day. The Valentine's day contest has become a bit of a tradition around here, but last year I took it to a whole new level sending all manner of prizes and gifts. Despite the fact that there were numerous entries deserving of flowers, and despite the fact that no inmate received flowers, I still feel like J.R. was really the winner. He took upon himself to not only enter the contest and provide insightful comments on the other entries, he also did a little work of his own.

Friday was the day before Valentine's, but most of the "prizes" were scheduled to arrive that day. Only for the "big winner" did I actually pay the extra ten bucks for Saturday delivery. As I strolled in to work, I was mentally making notes of what was going where, and double checking to make sure I hadn't missed something. For 2009 it wasn't just a contest, it was an operation.

I entered my office and became the envy of every extremely myopic drunken 22 year old female. I had received flowers from the Baller himself.

J.R. didn't just send me flowers for Valentine's. He took it one step further and included the following, heartfelt poem:

Bitches Ain't Shit,

But Tricks And Hoes.

Maybe It's Time You Give Up

On Girls, And Switch to Bros.

Have A Bro-Mantic

Valentine's Day!

Baller

By noon things were on trucks and "out for delivery". All told there were 3 sets of flowers, 5 gift boxes from The Popcorn Factory, and one set of two dozen long stemmed Roses.

I hate sitting around to see how a plan unfolds, and since I had no particular Valentine of my own, when Kendall, my 6'1 modelesque friend, invited me to L.A. to hang out for the weekend I took the rest of the day off work and headed home to pack. As I walked in to my building I ran in to Agnes, my ninety-two year old building crush.

"So, any Valentine's day weekend plans for you?" I asked.
"Valentine's? Love?" she looked at me like I was crazy, "I'm too old for that stuff."

I reached the eleventh floor, and minutes later I had a weekend's worth of clothes packed in to a travel suitcase. I was about to leave when I spotted J.R.'s flowers. I didn't think they'd do much good in my place since I'd be in L.A., so I took them with me.

As I walked out of the Landmark I handed them to the guy working the front desk.

"Could you give these to Agnes for me?"
"And who should I say they're from?"
"Oh. Just tell her they're from a secret admirer."

NerdKendall Words: Man-tourage

Man-tourage
- a group

1. A group of men who follow a girl around even though none of them have a snow ball's chance of hooking up with said girl.

[ Origin: A Kendall original ]

- usage
1. "Party? Yeah, of course I'll be there. I'll bring the Man-tourage"

Apparently I'm a Pervert Now

Last weekend the amazing and wonderful Kendall was in town. As such it was time for a trip to the Roosevelt followed by an evening of Rock Band at my house. She was excited because she got to show off Dino, the boy who she'd been allowing to hang out with her lately.

It was my first time meeting him, so I was looking forward to a chance to check him out before I gave him the thumbs down, but he actually seemed alright.

As I entered the Roosevelt and greeted everyone, the peeps were mid-discussion of Jed, another member of Kendall's Man-tourage. Jed is the lead singer of a band who has an.... interesting voice.

"He sounds British when he sings kind of, right?" I asked.

"It sounds like he's trying to hold it in his throat" Dino responded.

Now normally, 2 minutes in to meeting someone, I'd let an opportunity like this fly by. But in this particular case, the kid really slow pitched one right across the plate for me.

"I used to date a girl who did that." I said rather dryly. "Man, it was awesome." I don't think anyone heard the latter half of the sentence as I had suddenly become aware that all of the conversations in the room had simultaneously ceased and everyone was now looking at me. Most everyone erupted in laughter. I shrugged my shoulders and found a seat in the corner to hide.

Later Kendall would inform me that Dino had called me the "Perverted guy".

Oh well, you win some you lose some.

The Sesquipedalis Year in Review: Superlatives

Best Joke:
There are many to choose from, but for some reason this one really stuck with me.

About a month or so ago, Ruth, Allen, Kendall and I took a walk down to Genny's for some late night snacking. If you're not familiar with Arizona, Genny's is the "Gay Denny's".

At any rate, while discussing funerals Kendall announced, "When I die I want someone to sing Don't Stop Believing by Journey at my funeral."

"That's a good one." I said, "Journey is one of my favorite bands"
"Except I want an Asian person to sing it" she finished the joke.

It took a few moments for it to sink in, but once it did I couldn't stop laughing. (If it hasn't clicked for you yet, just let it percolate for a bit)

Honorable Mention: Mom

Best Pretend Girlfriend Date
Laura recently let me come to her house and she painted while I blogged. I was hopeful that her artistic chi would rub off on me and some how result in a better blog. I, much like Britney when she said yes to the VMA's, was sadly mistaken.

Honorable Mention: Maya for "Sewage Waterfall and Chinese food - A Winning Combination"

Best New, "You know how I know Jesse's Gay?" fact
Well, you could easily write a novel for this one, but the winner is, Aqualung

Honorable Mention: After hearing recently that our offices might get moved(Separated), Sean told me, "I can't quit you"

Second Honorable Mention: Anything involving Geremy

Third Honorable Mention: Anything involving Ben

Best Sandwich
Jesse Sandwich. As created by Ruth and Rachel(Yeah baby!)

Best Wall Art
Twins and Dolphin

Honorable Mention: Liang Shot

Best Blog Post
I don't know, probably something Stefi wrote, but for the sake of self promotion, I'm going to say the on that cracks me up the most looking back is "I Think I'm in Love" mostly because I wrote it and then really was more or less in love. I'm usually not quite so prophetic with the positive stuff.

Most Embarrassing Moment
Many of my "embarrassing" moments really aren't that bad, but the one that really did hit home was the infamous hand shake.

Most Recent Blog Entry that I "Phoned In"
This one.

An Urban Family Christmas

This Holiday season Kendall, domestic goddess that she is, decided to throw what she dubbed "The Urban Family Christmas 2006". Okay, I actually added the "The" and the "2006", but mostly because I think it makes it sound more official. The event consisted of a small get together(less than 20 people) at her friend Ben's house where she and her friend Maya would host a small dinner.

Generally speaking, I'd rather go on a hunting trip with Dick Cheney than attend a party where I don't know many of the people in attendance, but Kendall seemed excited, so I made an exception. At the time I accepted the invitation I actually thought that I wouldn't know anyone at the party, but the twins ended up making it, and I had met Maya the week prior so I was a bit more comfortable going in.

At the party I got to meet Kendall's younger sister. I believe her name was Kristan, but for the duration of this blog she shall be known as FMJB(The Future Mrs. Jesse B). It was actually a bit freakish how similar the two were. For a moment I wondered if the animatronic, slightly shorter replica of Kendall that I had been building in my basement since an early December repeat-viewing "Weird Science" marathon had sprung to life and come to the party. My fears were laid to rest when I found that this model had the same level of snarkiness, sarcasm and wit as the original, something I was never able to achieve in my version. Only God could stuff that much attitude into such a small frame, and despite what my ex-girlfriends might tell you, I am mortal. All kidding aside, it was nice to meet my future wife.

At any party, one of two Jesse's will show up. First there's the anti-social Jesse who either sits in the corner by himself or grabs a hold of someone he knows' coat tails and holds on for the duration of the party. The other Jesse is the anti-social Jesse who attempts to combat his lack of social ability with humor, which generally leads to excessive obnoxiousness. For this party, it was the former who came out at first until he found himself devoid of coat tails to grab and hands to hold and that is when the latter decided to come out.

I had done quite well for the beginning of the dinner. I was sat next to Ruth and Rachel, and close to Kendall so I was well within friendly territory. Later in the evening I found myself alone. Kendall was talking to Ben. Maya was obsessively preparing gift baskets for the guests. Ruth and Rachel were buried under a pile of would-be-suitors so deep that it would have taken a hand grenade and crowbar just to find them.

I was doing okay, making small talk here and there with others when Maya poked her head around the corner and from the other side of the party shouted to me.

"What kind of beer do you want in your basket?"
"Oh, none for me thanks. I don't drink"
She accepted this for a moment then came back with a follow up, "Are you Mormon Jesse?"

At this point at least a few heads turned to look at me, and somewhat embarrassed by the attention Jesse #2 decided to show his face. After a moment and a quick survey of the room it was on.

"What, because I'm the nerdy white guy who doesn't drink that makes me a Mormon?"
"That dude over there is wearing a tie, not drinking, and polite. Why aren't we religiously categorizing him?"
"Was it Dick Van Patton or Kierkegaard who said, 'If you label me you negate me'?"

I finished my short diatribe to turn and find myself face to face with a very cute short girl that I didn't know. I believe her name was Amber(I remember it started with an A). We talked for a moment before she finally asked...
"So what's the real reason you don't drink?"
I went in to my small speech which basically amounts to, "I'm not sure really. I just never got around to it"
"It's okay, I don't drink either" she said.
"Oh really? Well how come you don't drink?"
"I'm Mormon"

"Good move jackass" I thought to myself as I now started to back peddle while attempting to dislodge the foot that was stuck firmly in my mouth. I made a few inane statements to stall while I regained my bearings, but she cut me off mid-sentence, turned to Maya and said, "Thanks for inviting me" and then left.

"A Jackass named Jesse" or "How I got the +3"

The week after meeting the twins I came to work with a little extra spring in my step. The sun was a bit brighter, the grass was a bit greener. Upon arriving at work I went next door to Sean's office to brag share.

"So how was your weekend dude?" I asked as if a single ounce of me actually cared.
"Pretty good, I went up to the in-laws cab..."
"Yeah, that sounds great, really fantastic for you, glad to hear it. So Friday night...." I went on to tell him the preceding stories of my weekend that have now gone on to blogging fame.

After relating the stories of my weekend to two co-workers I went back to my daily activities, but the stories, the tales... they spread quicker than STD's at a retirement home that has a Viagra machine where a gumball machine should be. Before I knew it people were high fiving me in the halls. Nerds were shouting, "Twins!!! Alright!". Whiteboard drawings were updated... Co-workers were inviting themselves over for meaningless trips.

"Hey, you mind if I come over and grab that DVD? I mean its cool if I borrow it right?"
"They won't be home tonight, they have plans dude."
"Huh? Oh, your neighbors. I don't care about that... But I just remembered I have... uhm... something to do tonight anyhow. Maybe I can come over tomorrow"

My friend Caleb informed me that the other nerds were set to build a statue in my honor and name a mule after me.

By the following week Bill Gates, Linus Torvalds and Steve Jobs had come together and unanimously voted me the new king of all nerds.°

One day Rob stopped by my office. Rob is the head of my division, and while he's a cool guy, he doesn't just "pop in" very often. I quickly closed myspace and tried to appear productive.

"Jesse, Do you have a minute?" he asked.
"Yeah, I was just trying to finish that build for the Dutch, but I've got a second"
"Well, you know the Holiday party is coming up soon"
"Yeah"
"We allow each person to bring a guest if they'd like, but in your case we're going to bend the rules and let you bring two."

We both laughed a bit. It wasn't long before Ron, another manager, who happens to be recently single, stopped by and started questioning me and informing me that I had been given the green light on a "+2".

"Yeah, Rob already stopped by. Or is this a thing you guys are going to be doing all day? Did you guys set this up? Should I expect Tim in the next 10 minutes?"

He laughed and continued to give me a hard time. I was going to let it go, but I figured it was time for a little pay back.

"The thing is... well, I feel bad... I mean if I take the twins out all night to our party, then what about their friend Kendall the model? I mean she won't have anything to do all night, and I wouldn't want her to be lonely"

He left and moments later I heard the ring of the floor wide intercom, "Attention, Attention please. Jesse is now allowed to bring 3 people to the company Holiday party"

° Okay, I made that part up. It wasn't unanimous. Linus disagreed, but he's infamous for being a cock block. Screw the Finnish.

Apparently 7 inches means a lot to the ladies...

Note to the Reader: Life's been busy, blogging has been slow. I'm not doing this story justice, but I feel the need to get something out.

Let's take a trip in the way back machine all the way back to my last post. I purposely left off some of the details of the events that took place at the "party" as they didn't exactly pertain to a post discussing how I met Ruth and Rachel. Now that we're writing a post describing how we met Kendall it is time to discuss said events(When I say we I mean me.)

As I said before, the only knowledge of Kendall that I had prior to meeting her was that she only dated guys who were 6'3 or taller. Being 5'5" with my shoes on I found this a bit offensive, and was prepared to write her off as a snob. It's not that I need to have a chance with a girl to accept her... it's the principle of the matter. Short guys need love too. Besides, she's only 6'0.

Well, she came to the mini-party, but I was busy with other things and didn't have much time to sit down and get to know people. There was laundry to be finished, burnt twins to be fixed, and other typical Sunday night errands to be taken care of. When I finally did get a chance to be social they were already mid-conversation so, as per usual, I mostly just observed.

It became immediately clear that Kendall wasn't just sarcastic and funny... she was really sarcastic, and really funny. Despite my best efforts I was quickly won over, and just as I was coming around, it happened.

"Anyone like Tetris?" she asked as she reached in to her bag to reveal a shiny new black DS lite.

For those who haven't figured it out by now, I'm a huge Nintendo fan, and a fan of the DS in particular. I quote myself from my very first blog entry here when asking my mom the "Important" questions about a potential set up:

Is she single? How does she feel about short guys? How tall was she anyhow? Does she like nerds? DS or PSP?

At this point I ran across the hall like a good little nerd, grabbed mine, and before too long we were knee deep in a game of Tetris. Not wanting to be that nerd(As if I had a choice), I decided to start slow, but before too long she started talking trash. By then, I had had enough, and decided to establish my position as Alpha Geek and let it be known.

Later we were discussing other games and which one's we liked when I realized, "I'm discussing Nintendo games with a model or ex-model, or whatever she is... this is weird. I'm living every single one of my friend's fantasies right now."

The next evening she was at the Twin's again, and we were discussing Cartoon Network.
"Do you watch Robot Chicken?" She asked.
"It's the greatest show ever"
"No, that would have been Arrested Development"
"If you were 3 feet shorter I'd marry you right now"

Why Jesse now closes the door when using the restroom: Sunday(Resolution)

Note to the reader: This is the final chapter of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the two below first if you haven't already. It should also be noted that this story, while exciting for me, doesn't exactly have an "ending". Therefore, a major portion of this entry may or may not have actually happened.

Sunday I woke up and started to reflect upon the previous two days events. They had hit me like a whirlwind. Suddenly I had cute twins walking in and out of my apartment like they owned the place. It was like I was in an episode Friends. I was Chandler and Ruthie was Monica, and Rachel was... well... Monica. I hadn't made friends this fast with someone since third grade with James, but that may be attributed to the fact that he had a Nintendo, and my family was too poor to afford one. I felt like my life was a giant snow globe, and I had a girl on each side shaking the crap out of me, and I was thrilled.

"But how did this happen?" I wondered to myself. "How did I get from working up the nerve to knock on their door to feeling like I had two new best friends?"

I went looking for answers, and trained my sights on faith first. I decided to seek out the advice of a local Rabbi for help, and hopefully some insight in to the girl's religion.

For the following conversation, the part of the Rabbi should be read with Mel Brook's voice in mind. Why you ask? Because: 1) I'm making this up. 2) I just watched Spaceballs and Mel sorta cracks me up.

"I understand you had some questions concerning Judaism." he asked as he motioned for me to sit.
"Well, here's the deal... I'm starting to wonder if I accidentally married my neighbor in some ancient Jewish ceremony that I didn't understand."
He laughed at my ignorance for a moment then reassured me, "It doesn't work like that. Jewish weddings aren't that different. I'm sure you would have known had you taken part in one."
"It's just so weird, because one night I go to the five and diner with them, and the next thing..."
"Woah, wait... five and diner? Did one of them order a hot water?"
"YES! I thought that was weird. Who does that?"
"Well, that's a tradition from the old times, most people have forgotten it. Technically speaking, by letting her order the hot water you've agreed to take her as your wife."
"Wait... I was just making a joke dude... A little ice breaker. We're married?"
"Technically speaking, yes"
pause
"You know... I always thought I'd marry a girl who had a big ass and wasn't fun. This is awesome."

He nodded in approval and proceeded to answer a few more questions. I shook his hand, thanked him and was about to leave when it hit me.
"You wouldn't happen to know which one it was that I married would you?"
"Meshugina"

After that I visited my mom, and then went to a bar to watch the game with my sister and her people.

"They seem really nice, but I think that Ruth might be a little bossy" Geremy told my sister.
"Oh, then she is perfect for Jesse. You'd better lock that up. You should have brought them today" she said.
"I'm pretty sure they had stuff to do, and I'd assume by now they've had enough Jesse time for the weekend" I informed her.

As if in answer my statement that they were tired of me, a few minutes later my phone buzzed and I picked it up to find a text message from Ruth inviting me to a concert on Tuesday.

I got home later in the night and pulled in at the same time as the twins did. They told me they were having a small get together at their house and that I should come by. I met their friend Mike, who was cool, and seemed to be a slight computer nerd too, and their other friend Kendall. Kendall is a tall, beautiful, ex-model. I had overheard in conversation earlier that you had to be 6'3 or taller to ride that ride so I immediately wrote her off. Short guys need love too. (More on that in a later blog)

I was doing laundry while they were making food. I returned from my white T-Shirt folding to find Ruth laying in an odd spot on the floor. This is nothing out of the ordinary, but the fact that she was in pain was out of the ordinary. Apparently, while I was out, she had had a slight accident with a cookie sheet and burned her stomach. It's my belief, and I'm sure the reader will agree with me here, that the burning of the stomach was just a ploy for my attention. Her gamble paid off, and despite her protests, I took her to the Walgreen's to get some burn ointment. As we walked out she said, "You want to help me put it on?" and lifted up her shirt a little to reveal the burn on her lower stomach. At that point I fainted. She put me in my car and drove us home.

The twins had told me earlier that on "school nights" they had to be in bed by 11, so as soon as the clock struck 11 I pushed everyone out of their condo and went home myself. As I got ready for bed I went to use the restroom, and for the first time in almost a year of living there I closed the bathroom door. You never know when somebody is going to come barging in these days.