Nerd Word(s): The Ten PM Rule

The Ten PM Rule
- words to live by

1. No writing personal emails after Ten at night.

[ Origin: I used to go visit Ana a lot, and it was a long drive back to my house from Chandler. I had a major crush on her, so the drive home was usually spent thinking about her and how the evening had gone. When I got home I'd generally have a whole new set of things that I wanted to talk to her about so I'd write an email that was usually overly wussy and emo.

After a while I had to make a rule: "No more emails after 10 pm". ]

- usage
1. Yeah, I almost wrote you a reply, but I had a lot to say and it was after 10 so I figured it could wait till the morning.

From the Inbox: How to End a Blog

On Saturday as the clock struck midnight my phone once again chirped at me. "Ana's 23rd Birthday". Two years ago to the day had been both the peak and end of our "Relationship", but for some reason I never took the time to finish that part of the story.

Last year I bumped in to her one day, and then a few months later a bunch of pictures of her in Guatemala showed up on my flickr friend list. The meeting was very short and awkward. We emailed a few times, but that too was somewhat awkward. She asked me what had happened to us, which was odd since she had decided to cut off all contact. She had started dating someone, and to my surprise that meant we could no longer see each other.

Instead of answering the question and playing the game I decided to instead write her the end of our story the way I had wanted to. She was the original inspiration for this blog, so it only seemed fitting to write an end to the story. The first half of this email is complete fact, but it soon takes a few liberties. I'll leave the separation of fact from fiction as an exercise to the reader.

The other day the guys asked me to go to lunch with them. I've had a bit of a falling out with some of the other nerds as of late, so I hadn't been going to lunch with the gang. For some odd reason though, I decided to go.

"What!?! You guys want to drive all the way to In-N-Out? That'll take forever" I protested when told the destination of choice.
"It's all freeway, it'll be quick. Quit your whining"
"Meh, it's not like I was getting any work done anyhow"

There's just something about going back to the old stomping grounds that I spent my young adult life( Tempe ). It seems like I generally run in to someone, and more often than not it's someone I don't want to run in to. As we entered I did a quick glance around and didn't notice anyone familiar. With a sigh of relief I placed my order and like a herded cow moved my way slowly through the people towards the drink dispenser. As I did, the people parted like a wave and from across the room I saw a familiar set of eyes. A dark pair of eyes that I had missed and tried to forget for some time. Her hair had changed. The way she held herself had changed... it had only been six months right? The one thing that hadn't changed was the smile. It was Ana... It was the Chilean princess of yesteryear... And I was... scared?

It had been almost 3 years since this girl had intimidated me, but the feeling was quickly familiar. It had been a while, and things hadn't exactly ended in the most optimal aways. I suppose it was the only way they could have ended, but it still seemed far from perfect.

She got up from her table and we politely exchanged hello's. I asked about her job, and she introduced me to her co-workers, but their names quickly evaded the grasp of my memory as my focus was on her.

After the typical small talk that everyone has and no one
remembers, I got brave.

"Maybe we should do lunch or something sometime. I'll by you Subway" I asked in reference to how we met.
"I'd like that" she said coyly. "You still have my number?"
"Of course"

3 days later we met and had Turkey Breast sandwiches at a Subway in Mesa . The ice quickly melted and it wasn't long before I remembered all the things that had drawn me to her in the first place.

2 years later I proposed on a beach in Hawaii on vacation. She said yes, and we were wed on a Cliff overlooking the ocean in Chile the following year.

We now keep both my condo in Phoenix, and a small house in Guatemala where we spend the majority of our time. We started a website that helps match nerds with girls who need a good man. It provides feedback and helpful hints. She does the content, I do the administration. Luckily, we're able to work abroad and still afford to live happily and care for our five children.

The End.

The Sesquipedalis Year in Review: Top 5 Stories You Never ReadStory 1: A date with Milka

Wow, that has to be the longest title ever. I originally wanted to do an entry containing 5 smaller stories that I never wrote since they would have ended up being rather short. But I'm always told that I write too much anyhow, and the network has been on my ass about lack of content lately, so I guess I'll split them up.

"No, I'm just really tired and don't want to go out tonight" the little voice on the other end of the line said. Ana had been pulling away for months, so I really expected nothing less from the phone call, but I had to try. "Oh, my sister says hi. She'd probably want to go do something"

"Yeah? Alright, ask her if she wants to go get gelato." I said half jokingly.
"She said okay"
"I'll be there in 30 minutes" I said with an uncharacteristic spontaneity and quickly hung up the phone.

I had known Ana's sister Milka for a few years and always gotten along well with her. In some ways she was the "Jesse" of their family. She was the responsible one, the one who took care of herself.

The date went well. We spent the majority of the night talking about Ana and being silly. She told me that I should make up an extravagant story for my blog where her and I end up making out on my couch or some other such nonsense just to see how Ana would react, but I just didn't have it in me.

Ana vs. J Random Nerd

At precisely 11:45 last night my phone started vibrating and then in that oh so subtle computer voice announced, "Ana's Birthday in 15 minutes".

"Oh yeah," I thought. "It has been a year".

Ana's last birthday was a celebration at the "Swinger's Room"(Resident's Center) of my then new condo. It was both a high point for us, and the beginning of the end, but this isn't that emo post. I've been asked by my numerous fans(Read: J.R.), "Hey, whatever happened with Ana? You never really finished that story." It's an odd thing because she was the one who originally prompted me to write what would go on to become this blog. I guess maybe that story is hard to finish in an amusing way since I already know how it ends, but in light of her birthday I thought I should share another short story about the day I first thought, "I think I'm in love." For those who need a refresher course, click here.

During our first semester in class together, as noted previously, there were countless blog-able moments from the interaction of the lovely Ana, and her nerdy classmates(myself included). It seemed like a day didn't go by that some guy tried to talk to her, and failed miserably. I was never quite sure if she saw it as much though because she was so quiet. It was quite rare to see her initiate a conversation or joke.

As class wound down on the final day the teacher handed out the standard teacher review sheets and left the classroom. I didn't have a pencil on me, but Ana had offered to let me use hers. I somewhat nervously sat next to her while we discussed our feelings on the class and teacher in general. It wasn't long before a classmate approached. I never really got his name, but I'm sure it was either Eugene or Urkel.

"Hey can I borrow your book?" he asked me as he approached without fear. The book he was eying was sitting on the desk in front of me.

"Oh that book? That's not my book" I set him up. "You'll have to ask Ana" I nodded to the Chilean Princess sitting to my left. It could have easily ended there. Ana could have given him the book, but if it was one thing time would show me it was that nothing was ever easy with this girl. Ana, who was 2 feet away didn't look up or pause from the novel she was writing in the "Suggestions to improve this class" box on her paper.

This should be good, I thought as I leaned back in my chair to watch the Nature Channel's Hunting Habits of the South African Lion that was about to unfold before me.

"Oh... um uh..." Eugene stammered, his confidence suddenly gone. He finally managed to eek out, "Can... can... I borrow your book?"

Ana didn't pause, waiver, or give any indication that she was aware of his existence. He looked at me in question, but I motioned for him to try again.

"Ana... can I borrow your book?" he repeated, this time reaching slowly towards it like a pigeon inching slowly towards that piece of your sandwich that you just dropped.

At this points she paused, completely straight faced, and looked up. "No" she said with a slight hint of irritation before refocusing on her work.

Eugene's mouth opened as if to say, "Oh", but nothing came out as he took a step backwards.

"I'm just kidding silly," she finally relented with a smile so bright that it could end all war and somehow solve world hunger. "Of course you can use my book."

I think I love this girl

Third times a charm?

By March of 2005 I had done more stupid things and said more stupid things to Ana than I care to admit. After the chocolate incident I had mostly given up and was content to have an uneasy smile and an awkward "hello" at passing. I figured the semester would end soon, and with it my crush on the cute Chilean girl.

After class I would sometimes sit out on my bench finishing up homework in to the wee hours of the night. On one particular evening I was surprised to see Ana walk by. She seemed kind of out of sorts. As she passed by I asked, "How's it going?" expecting the normal, "Fine". She was on her way out of the building with her hand on the door when she stopped, turned to me and said, "Its better now, I think." When you've struck out with a girl as many times as I had with her you reconsider any kind of personal inquiry before you let it come out of your mouth, but by this time I figured I had nothing to lose, and she did seem upset.

"Something wrong?" I asked.
"Well, this C++ class I'm taking is really hard, but I think I'm finally catching up"

It should be noted at this point that I've been a professional programmer, mostly in C++, for about 6 years, but before that I was a C++ programmer as a hobby for a good while. Telling me you need help programming is like telling Keith Richards you'd like some help getting wasted, or Andy Dick you need help making your sexuality a little more ambiguous. A girl couldn't possibly give me a better "in" unless she added, "I also need help finding the princess in this Mario game." to the end. But, with my normal level of smoothness, I froze and let her walk out the door.

Later that evening, after kicking myself in the butt a few times I decided I should send her an email offering my help. I was surprised a few days later when I got an actual email back saying she might have to take me up on the offer. I didn't expect another email, but it came the next day. We agreed to meet after class the following week so that I could help her with a project.

It went well, and in no time we were getting together once or twice a week for C++ studying. I had a hard time keeping focused on the work, but she didn't seem to mind too much. We joked around a lot and had a good time usually. She'd give me a hard time for being so white, and I'd give her a hard time for being such a princess. I brought her a tiara one day and insisted she wear it while studying in the library, and she would send me emails in Spanish and make me translate them. All in all, things were going quite well, but on an outside of school level not much was happening. We'd often stay till 8 or 9pm, and I'd invite her out to dinner, but she'd always decline. She made it quite clear that she had no intention of giving me her phone number or calling, so while I always had these amazing 3 or 4 hour study sessions with her, that was it.

As I got to know her, it became kind of apparent that her and I probably weren't a good match. She's an amazing girl, but she's also very Christian, and very strong in those beliefs. While that's not a deal breaker for me, if the crusades have taught us anything, its that heathenism is frowned upon by the Christians. Aside from that, she was home schooled, and raised in a South American type household while I was raised by rednecks. The saying opposites attract is quite true, but they don't always make for the best match.

Our differences aside, I think we made a great pair, and since we're both fairly laid back and able to listen to the others opinion without getting heated, we got along well. The semester continued, and our friendship did too, but as the semester started to wrap up I was getting quite worried that when it ended, so did our "relationship"....

When a cute Chilean girl asks you if you like chocolate, you say "yes"

After my dissapointingly abrupt ending to my "Semester with Ana" I figured I'd never see the girl again. Due to work picking up I was only taking one class the following semester and it was late in the day. The chances of running into the same person at ASU tend to be quite slim, so I had kind of let it go.

I made it my habit to come to school just a little bit early to avoid rush hour that semester. My class was right by the computer lab, so I could sit out on a bench with my laptop and check email, work, etc. To my surprise I saw Ana pass by a few times while sitting there. She would sometimes say hi, but it was that nervous kind of hello when you see someone you're not sure you want to talk to, but you know them so you feel obligated.

So, about once a week I would see this girl. I never had a chance to really talk to her because she was always in a group, and she never seemed interested in talking to me. Being a true nerd I sometimes get a little nervous talking to girls, especially one I've had a crush on for half a year. Knowing this, I had at least a question or two that I'd ask her thought out before hand so I didn't say anything completely retarded should the opportunity present itself. The last thing I need is to finally talk to this girl and say, "I like your boobies", so a little premeditation is a good thing.

Just after Valentines day I was sitting in my usual spot working on my laptop. I must have been engrossed in my work because Ana was nearly right in front of me before I looked up and noticed her. I was caught a little off guard, but she came over and started making small talk with me. I went back to my questions I had thought out..."So what classes are you taking this semester?""How did your classes go last semester?"

The whole time the voice in my head is saying, "For god's sake, don't say anything stupid." over and over again. I'm sweating, I'm nervous, and I'm really worried I'm about to do something dumb. Luckily I make it through the whole conversation. We finish our chat and she goes to class. I'm quite proud of myself for making it through without blowing it. "Maybe I've turned a corner." I think to myself, "Maybe I'm not quite the dork I think I am."

20 minutes later I'm surprised to see her walk by again, and she heads straight for me. Her hands are behind her back and she leans over and says, "Jesse would you like a kiss?" As she does this she pulls her hands forward to reveal a bunch of Hershey's Kisses. At this time there's a million slightly clever things that I could have said...
"But Ana, I hardly know you"
"Shouldn't you buy me dinner first?"

But instead I opened my mouth and went with, "I don't like chocolate."

Ana vs. Joe the Nerd

While Dave was the loud obnoxious in your face nerd, the second nerd in my group, Joe, was just the opposite. Joe had a very slight stuttering problem that became a very major stuttering problem whenever Ana was speaking to him or he was called on in class. Joe also, as many nerds do, had a tendency to stick his foot in his mouth, especially when speaking to Ms. Ana.

I felt a little bad for the kid and generally tried to deflect for him, or help him save a little face. Unfortunately this wasn't always possible.

Joe didn't normally say much, but on one occasion, he must have had one too many Mountain Dews or something because he was very excited and very eager to discuss things. He wasn't making the most sense, but he kept on.

"I heard in Japan they have a processor that's like 10 times faster than the fastest Pentium. I heard in Japan they have hard drives that are terabytes in size. I heard in Japan they have the most amazing gaming console and it's like way better than the XBOX."

I'm not sure if Joe had just seen an A & E special on the land of the rising sun or if he thought this would impress Ana. I could see her eyes getting bigger as the onslaught of information (Mostly incorrect) spewed from his mouth and hit her square in the face. She was too polite to do anything so finally I decided to pull out the obscure reference book and put an end to Joe's verbal suicide.

"I heard in Japan they have a candy bar with more moviefone.com in it, I said with my normal dryness."

That finally stopped him and they both turned to look at me as if I had just said the dumbest thing they'd ever heard, and were looking for an explanation. I normally don't explain my obscure references, but for some reason I felt obligated this time.

"Been to the movies lately?" I asked. "There's that commercial where the girl is eating a candy bar and says it's great, but she wishes it had more moviefone.com in it. Then she says she bets the Japanese have a candy bar like that. It's really quite stupid."

I thought by me playing the idiot I had in essence taken Joe's foot out of his mouth and ended the conversation. At this point I had hoped we could all agree that I was an ass and move on to something more productive, but Joe wasn't done quite yet.

"Oh, I've seen that commercial. That girl has a funny voice. She sounds kind of like you Ana"

I'm not really sure if she took offense to this, or just pretended to take offense, but she quickly shot back with an angered look on her face, "Are you saying I have a funny voice?!"

At this point, having been put on the spot, Joe's stuttering kicked it in to high gear and I don't think he got another complete word out before class started and we got to work.

Ana vs. Dave the Nerd

Probably the best part of being in a computer class with Ana was the fact that I was now a little bit older, and slightly more prepared to handle the uneasiness that a beautiful woman can impart upon a nerd such as me. The other three nerds in my group, however, did not have that luxury. It was sad for them, but brought me much amusement throughout the semester.

On one occasion we were sitting in class working on a project together. I'm at the keyboard, and Ana's right next to me.... dangerously close. So close that I can smell her perfume. I have a slight thing for girls who smell nice, but Im making a strong effort to concentrate on my studies, and not this beautiful girl sitting beside me.

Dave, another nerd in my group, is sitting right behind her. He's also dangerously close, with his head right behind hers. Now at this point, this girl is still a total mystery to me, but if there's one thing thats painfully obvious to me it's that Ana is a very proper girl. You can tell. She's always dressed nicely, always wearing makeup, and always looking just perfect.

As I'm sitting there typing, Dave lets out this horrendous belch. It's the kind of burp that a guy would normally high five another guy for if no girls were around. It's the kind of burp that clears a room. It's foul.

Dave, being the true nerd that he is, doesn't cover his mouth, doesn't turn to the side, but lays it out, right in the back of this poor girl's head. Even I didnt see this coming. I thought even Dave had more class than that, but I guess I was wrong.

I'm trying hard not to laugh, or bust his balls, which is quite a task for me, and I look over at her, and I think I see a hint of a smile, and I lose it.

I start laughing my head off....

About a minute after the burp, Dave... completely oblivious to his lack of tact, smacks me on the shoulder and says, "What are you laughing at?"

And I reply, "Nothing, sorry"

"Are you laughing at your program? God you're such a nerd."

I just smiled, and accepted my new label as a Huge Nerd and finished up my program. I was never quite sure if she knew what I was laughing about or not, but it really didnt matter.

Jesse B vs. Ana

About 2 years ago, somewhat down with the current goings on in my life, I decided it was time to head back to school. I was a little older, a little wiser, and had a lot of time on my hands.

I didn't figure I'd stick with it for long, but it was just more something to do at the time. I set a few rules for myself to make sure I didn't repeat the same mistakes as my first round of college. First I wanted to be more social. I don't think I made a single friend by way of college in my first four(ish) years, and that seems a bit odd looking back on it. I wasn't social, and I didn't talk to people. This time, I was going to be more outgoing, more friendly, even if it killed me. Second, I was going to be a better student.

So my first day, I walk into class and take my usual position towards the back of the class. Just because I'm going to be a better student doesn't mean I've gotta be the nerd up front with his hand constantly raised. So I'm sitting there feeling a bit old, a bit out of place. I look up and this girl walks in. She's a beautiful girl slightly resembling a young, very cute Eva Longoria.

Now I've personally got 4-5 years of programming classes under my belt, and in that time I've never seen a girl who looks like that in class, especially a Unix Shell Scripting class. For those not familiar with Unix or Shell Scripting, lets just say its not a class that an education major would take because it "sounded like it would be fun".

So this girl walks in and I think to myself, "Oh, how sad, this poor girl is lost." I consider pointing out to her what room this is, but I decide she'll figure it out soon enough. I spend the next 10-20 minutes waiting for her to realize her mistake, but as class starts the teacher says hello to many of the students and says, "Hello Ana". At this point I realize she has to be a Comp Sci major which is mind boggling. You've got more chance of meeting the tooth fairy than meeting a cute Latin girl in a Unix Shell Scripting class.

I'm immediately enamored with "Ana" and curious about her. As the weeks pass I can tell she's kind of quiet, and keeps to herself. I spend the next few months looking for an "in", or a chance to talk to her, or something. Eventually the teacher throws me a bone and decides the rest of the class will be "group activities", and with a little bit of "luck" I end up in this girl's group.

So now its me, Ana, and 3 other nerds in a daily group. I try my best to talk to her, but she seems extremely shy, and I don't want to be too obvious. She's really smart, and the more time I spend in this group the more I'm dying to get to know her. As the semester draws to a close I've gotten nowhere. I'm looking for the "in", but keep coming up with nothing.

On the last day of class I go to school early to get some things done. I take a seat in front of a computer and notice that Ana is sitting a few chairs over with a group doing work. Time passes on, and I'm getting hungry. I haven't found too many places to eat near campus, so I ask her if there's anything good to eat close by. She gives me directions to a Subway nearby. "Do you want to go and grab a sandwich" is on the tip of my tongue, but it just doesn't come out. So I go to subway, eat my lunch and come back to finish up. I've got a Subway cup in my hand and she says, "Why didn't you tell me you were going to go? I would have gone with you."

"YOU BLEW IT" echoes through my head, but the chance had passed. The door had closed. Class ended, and at that point I figured I'd never see her again. I sent her an email asking if I could make it up to her, but she basically shut me down. At the time I was a bit sad, assuming I'd never learn the myteries of this girl.