Dénouement

I wrote a while back about a girl named Iliana who I had thought lived and worked in the same buildings as I do. I didn't think I could have possibly screwed that one up more than I did, but it turns out I was wrong. One of the doormen at the Landmark(Allen) stumbled across my blog, and he recently sent me a message informing me that I had spelled her name incorrectly, which means the girl I stalked found on myspace was the wrong girl.

Even more embarrassing for me is the story that I've left out about me messaging her. Oh well, you win some you lose some right? The important part is that we can now call that mystery solved, and case closed.

In another update... Last night I found out that the day that my mom tried to set Angela and I up, my mom introduced Anna(My brother's fiancé) as "My son's girlfriend". A better choice of words may have been, "My son Josh's girlfriend", because Angela thought that Anna was my girlfriend. In other words my mom went through all of this work to introduce me to Angela, and then blew it by making her think I wasn't single. That's neither here nor there really since she's both gay and crazy, but I still find it quite amusing.

Anagnorisis

Last night I met Stacy, Mike, and Angela at Fox and Hound for a going away of sorts for Angela. She's gotten a new job, and moves on in a couple of weeks. I'm not sure if I had too many Sprite's, or if Geremy's training is starting to take hold, but I was quite mean. I interrupted her mid-sentence with such brilliant and sensitive things as, "Here, play with this shiny shiny spoon, and let the grown ups talk" and, "Time out, time out... you can keep talking, but we all stopped paying attention a half an hour ago"

Geremy, and a few friends showed up half way through my verbal onslaught and sat somewhat in awe as I incessantly took it to the poor girl. Geremy sat in the corner like Yoda watching over Luke as he attempted to raise the X-Wing from the swamp, for a moment proud that his student was finally taking hold of his lessons. But much like Luke I'm actually a complete wus(More on that later).

At any rate, the more I made fun of Angela, the more she seemed to like it. After she had left everyone told me I needed to treat every girl that way. I'm not sure I have it in me to be a complete ass to everyone. Angela just brings the inner ass out of me I guess... Wow, that sounds weird. There's a lesbian/gay joke in there somewhere, but I'll leave that as an exercise for the reader.

I had stolen her keys about 2 minutes after she sat down, and as she walked out of the bar I told everyone, "Don't worry, she'll be back". She came back a minute later and I told her the keys were down my pants and if she wanted them she had to come get them. She responded with, "Don't tempt me"

The foot note on this is that we were so flirty back and forth that the waitress thought we were dating and put Angela's drinks on my tab. I paid to get a girl drunk, and didn't even get to first base. I guess its just a typical Thursday night for me.

So was this a success story of sorts? Nah, I'm still me... I emailed her after I got home basically saying, "Sorry if I was an ass tonight. It was all in good fun, and hopefully taken that way"

P.S. I realize that the Yoda/Luke reference was pretty weak, even for me. The thing is, if I don't make at least 1 Star Wars reference every 20 posts I have my nerd license revoked, and where would that leave me? By next week expect a post with a Gandalf/Frodo reference.

Every girl like's flowers on Valentine's Day right?

I was at McDuffy's a few day's before Valentine's day this year with Stacy and Mory. We were bitching about work, and joking around and such as we often do. They had downed a few crappy beer's as they often do, and I was working on a Diet Coke.

Somehow the subject of Angela came up and how her and her girlfriend have a crappy relationship, and how her girlfriend seems borderline emotionally abusive. I thought it was kind of sad, and having no relationship is better than having a crappy one.

"I should send a dozen roses to her with a crappy love poem" I thought aloud. "I mean every girl, lesbian or straight likes flowers right? Besides, her and her girlfriend are probably just going to spend the day fighting." Miranda and Stacy thought the idea was great. We didn't discuss it much more that night, but I decided if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right.

So for the next couple of days I tried to think of the perfect poem, and searched online for a good place to get roses. Without too much effort I decided on a dozen long stem Ecuadorian roses with a matching vase.

The poem on the other hand was a bit tougher. Angela works with my mom, and has a girlfriend. I didn't want anyone to get in trouble for a silly joke on my part, so I decided not to put my name. I did want her to know who they were from so she didn't assume they were from her girlfriend though. I also wanted to express some interest without going overboard. I finally came up with the following:

Some women like diamonds
Some women like pearls
I wish you liked boys
Instead of girls

I saw you at Thanksgiving
I met you at the bar
If you were my Valentine
I wouldn't pout in the car

The day before Valentine's I went to the website, entered the poem, made all of the arrangements and after a moments hesitation and nervousness (Is it wrong to send a lesbian flowers?) clicked the submit button and it was done.

After this was done I called Miranda (My personal social barometer) to make sure I hadn't just made a big mistake.
"I did it"
"Did what?"
"I sent the flowers and the crappy poem" (I then told her the poem)
"What the hell is your problem? You can't do that. You have to cancel it"
"I can't cancel, its the day before Valentine's. Besides, you said it was funny the other night!"
"I was drunk, of course it was funny you moron"

At this point I'm a little nervous. We call Stacy (Who works in the office) and let her know. She also says its probably not a good idea, but agrees to run interference to make sure its not taken the wrong way.

After all of the worrying, the flowers were more or less well received. Nothing really ever came of it, but at least I have a good story out of it.

Something to be thankful for, and mom makes me the fat kid down the street for x-mas

It was probably August or September when I had lunch with my mom and met Angela. At the time I thought the story was over, but I didn't let my mom know that. I now had amunition, and I used it.

"How was work today mom? Did Angela ask about me?"

My mom's birthday was in October, and she had just survived a major aneurysm, so we decided to throw her a big party. My sister invited my mom's entire office, and Angela showed up. We exchanged a few words, and I got to meet the girlfriend. She was a bit older(40ish?), and didn't really seem to like any of us, or was just anti-social. They spent the whole night fighting and left early so I really didn't get much interaction.

As Thanksgiving aproached my mom told me that Angela was coming to dinner at our house. We generally have a big dinner and invite anyone who wants to come, but it was odd to me that she'd invite a girl who worked for her. It turns out Angela doesn't get along well with her mom on account of her being gay, and her dad lives in Seattle. She doesn't get along well with the girlfriend's mom either, so she decided to take my mom up on her offer for dinner at our house.

My grandfather was there and spent half the time telling me, "She's cute, you should get her number." and the other half of the time telling her, "Have you met my grandson? He's not married"

Not wanting to explain lesbianism(As if I'm an expert) to him, or worse yet have him make a scene, I told him, "I think she's got somebody if you know what I mean dude.... and I don't think you do".

Dinner was nice, albeit uneventful. I switched into normal Jesse mode and avoided eye contact and didn't say much. We were all going to see "Walk the line" afterwards, but her girlfriend called and she quickly took off.

Again I didn't hear much on that front for a while, but a few days before Christmas my mom said, "Stacy and Angela and some people are going to happy hour up at McDuffy's and told me to tell you to swing by". At this point in time I wouldn't call myself "friends" with any of these people so it was odd that they'd invite me to happy hour, but I figured, "What the hell. I need to be more social."

I got up there and a few people were there. Angela's girlfriend hadn't arrived yet, but they were all looking for her. They weren't looking for her in an excited way, but more nervous. I felt like I was waiting for the Vietcong to jump out of a bush and slit my throat. Everyone kept talking about how she was angry and Angela kept saying, "I'm in trouble."

About this time Stacy told me that my mom had overheard them making plans to go to happy hour and told her that she should invite me. So now I felt like the fat kid down the street that your mom made you choose for the basketball team. I'm 28 years old and my mom is telling the other kids to play with me, great.

Rather than be shy and wussy I decided I'd do a 180 and be as loud and goofy as I could. I was loud and obnoxious and generally had a good time. Angela's girlfriend arrived and I tried to talk to her, but she was very standoffish. The more I felt she didn't want to talk to me, the more I tried, but eventually she dissapeared. She was gone for a good hour when Angela informed me, "She's upset with me and sitting in the car to punish me." I found it quite odd that a 40 year old woman would pout in the car, but nobody asked for my opinion, so I kept it to myself.

The night ended with me leaving for a Curium concert in Tempe. About that time Kristen(Angela's girlfriend) was walking back in so I invited her to come with me, but all she said was, "Have fun"

Where to begin

I've told my friend Ana on numerous occasions that I should write a book on how not to interact with women. When I majored in Computer Sci and took a job as a computer programmer I surrendered any hope of social normalcy when it comes to members of the opposite sex, and am therefore somewhat of an expert on the subject of how not to act.

That being said, at least I'm aware of my social issues and do my best, but more often than not I end up doing things like diverting my eyes in a downward direction to avoid eye contact with a cute girl I just met. For those of you playing the home game, the downward direction from a girl's eyes usually ends up being the chest area.

I doubt I'll ever finish that book, but I do find stories of me being horrible with women amusing, and some of these should be kept around for posterity.

I felt I should start with a trip in the way back machine for a few different reasons.
A) This is probably one of my best moments, and best stories.
B) I typed this up a while ago and sent it to a friend, so its ready to go now, and that makes my job a lot easier.
C) It sets up numerous future stories that pertain to the same girl.
D) It's as much a goof on my mom as it is me.

So, without further ado... the story of how I met Angela:
My mom is a higher up in the parks and recreation department for the city. What that means to her is that she has good pay, security, and benefits. What that means to me is that I've been single for over a year, and she's got a ton of girls from the ages of 18-30 working for her.

About a year before this story takes place I had broken up with my girlfriend of around 6 years, and my mom was kind of worried about me. I guess my bedpost just doesn't have as many notches as my mom would like and it bothers her. I counter her worry by giving her a hard time. Every time she asks me about girls I say, "Well, you're the one sitting on a gold mine Mom when are you going to swing the bat for me?"

This had been going on for a while with her, but it was all fun and games. One day I was sitting in my office at work when my mom called to ask if I wanted to go to lunch with her. I work about 25 miles from her, so I had never gone out to lunch with her on a work day unless she was in my neck of the woods.

"Oh, are you downtown for another conference today mom? Where do you want to go?"
"No, I was wondering if you wanted to come up here"
"Um... I generally don't take a 3 hour lunch"
"Well, it's Friday maybe you should"
"Did Grandma die?"

My brother's girlfriend just happened to be at my mom's office so she grabbed the phone and informed me that there was a girl that my mom wanted me to meet. This made a lot more sense. I figured mom probably had horrible taste in women for me, and nothing would come of it. I generally hate a setup since I'm nervous as hell around anything resembling a female, but I figured the sheer awkwardness of the whole situation was worth a trip. And it was Friday. And I wasn't doing anything anyhow. So, I hopped in the car and drove out to North Phoenix. When I arrived, my mom explained to me that she had invited half the office since she didn't want it to look like a setup.

I was lucky enough to get a seat across from "Angela", and I really did like her. She was cute, fun, humorous, and had a nice smile. My mom spent half of lunch trying to talk me up, and the other half of lunch trying to nonchalantly explain why I was at what had become an office lunch. I drove back to the office having had a good time, but knowing I'd probably never see the girl again.

My mom, being a mom, was really excited. About an hour later I got a phone call from her.
"So, that Angela is really nice huh?"
"Yeah, amazing mom, you wanna go ring shopping with me later this weekend? I wanna make sure I get a good one!"

30 minutes later my mom and I were knee deep in an email conversation where I was asking her all sorts of sarcastic questions. "Is she single? How does she feel about short guys? How tall was she anyhow? Does she like nerds? DS or PSP?"

My mom responded quickly with an email detailing Angela's dating history for the past few years, which worried me because my mom is about as subtle as an elephant waltzing around in a Czech Republic disco. I decided to call to figure out where said info had come from.

"Mom, what did you ask this poor girl? You're her boss, you gotta play it cool."
"No, I played it real cool. I was just talking to her office-mate and I brought it up in conversation."

By a strange coincidence, Angela's office-mate(Stacy) was a good friend of my sister's. Later that day Stacey and my sister shared a phone call.

"Whats up with your mom?"
"What do you mean?"
"Um she just walked into my office and asked me if Angela was gay. When I said I didn't think so she asked if she was dating anyone."
"Oh, my mom's dumb and she's trying to hook Angela up with my brother"

Real smooth mom

A few months later I was sitting at home playing video games in my undies, or something equally nerdy when the phone buzzed. It was a text message from my sister insising that I call her.

"The good news is, Stacy invited Angela to Happy Hour. You're right, she is great. She's really cute, and a lot of fun. The bad news is she's had a girlfriend for about a year and a half."

"Mom is so getting fired for sexual in-sensitivity"