Spare Some Change?

I handle change about as well as a fingerless bum with a hole in his cup, but lately it seems like I haven't had much choice in the matter. There have been changes with work, personal life and my friends.

The biggest change of all though has been in my status. No, not that status. I've been a brother and a son forever, but today, for the first time, I became an uncle. Let the Stamos/Dukes of Hazard jokes begin.

My sister Anna went through 26 hours of labor, but eventually Adrian relented and came out to meet the world.

What's the appropriate amount of time to wait before I start training him to help pick up on cute girls?

Congrats to Josh and Anna.

I promise to return to blogging some day soon. It's not that I haven't been writing, it just hasn't really been Sesquipedalis type material. Maybe A can be my new inspiration.

Dad steps up to the plateMom knocks it out the park

My dad is a Harley riding, tequila drinking man's man who was in the Air Force for 20 years as an F-15 simulator bad ass.  He grew up on a farm, and mostly spent his time stirring up trouble.  My mother on the other hand is an ex-principal who works for community services, and was raised in a very strict baptist family.  She was a stay at home mother for a few years, and the main caregiver for the family.

Now that I write it out this way, it makes complete sense that my dad is the one constantly reminding us to watch our language, behave, and drive carefully.  When I say "us" I generally mean, "my mother."  It's not that she curses like a sailor or gets out of hand.  It's just that when it comes to a game of "How far are we going to take this joke?", my mother is the champion.  The undisputed champion.

While everyone in my family loves to push the limits without crossing the line, my mother is the proud owner of property far far on the other side.


About 2 years ago my dad, brother and I were going to Quizno's for dinner.

"Just use this door over here" my brother said, pointing to a closer, easy to miss side door.

"Oh.  Back door huh?" I quipped, quoting the great Han Solo from Return of the Jedi.

"Back in my day we called that the old dirt road" dad added without missing a beat as he walked up to the door, now by himself.

My brother and I had stopped dead in our tracks.  While my dad is very quick witted and amusing, he never ever makes jokes that are dirty, or sexual in nature. It was something I'd never seen from him, and something I haven't seen again since.

I've never been more proud in my life.


Back in June of 2008, I had been dating Roseann for about 2 months.  Despite the initial hiking trip, things were going well and we had progressed to a point where I was ready to introduce my family to her.  More importantly I was ready to introduce her to them.  My family tends to get a bit silly when everyone is together, but I figured she'd have to face them eventually if things were to work out.

The typical meet the parents jitters were in full effect for Roseann and she spent the majority of the time quietly listening, and answering the onslaught of my family's questions.

Nobody seemed to care too much, except for my mom.  She pulled me aside midway through dinner and asked if she had embarassed me in any way.  I reassured her that everything was fine.

I write a public blog about every stupid thing I've ever said to a woman. What could possibly embarrass me?

At this point some friends came in and surprised us.  They had come through the side door.

"Oh, the old dirt road?" Miranda said, barely able to get her joke out through her own laughter.

Roseann looked confused, and I quickly launched in to the story of "The Old Dirt Road".  My dad was out of earshot, but mom, now 2-3 glasses of wine in to the night followed along intently.  As I hit the punch line and everyone began laughing, a wistful look of rememberence washed over mom's face.  She leaned back in her chair, lifted up her glass of wine, as if toasting to a higher power and said, "Oh... the back seat of that old '57 Ford"

A Very Bailey Birthday

Okay, this entry got a little out of hand length wise.  I cut a bunch out, but I'm leaving a decent amount in.  I can't tell you how thrilled I was to find someone who actually laughed at a joke I made.  I probably should have proposed.

The thing about my family is that we all like joking around and being funny.  And we're really funny.  To each other.  On our own, we're all a little bit obnoxious, but when we hang out together we Voltron our obnoxiousness into something else entirely. In private I'm usually the most vocal, but in public I tend to take the back seat and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. I am, after all, the responsible one.

The other night my siblings, their respective others, Stacy(Without an e) and I went out for my birthday. I chose P.F. Chang's because I love the Mu Shu Chicken. I don't speak Chinese, but I feel quite confident in my assertion that Mu Shu is Chinese for "Burrito". The fun part is that they come out and make the burrito in front of you.

My brother Josh made sure to let our waitress Bailey know that we were going to be that table as soon as she came and introduced herself.

"We're all celebrating" he told her, "We lost our jobs today"
"Well, as long as you can still tip" she joked back.
"Tip?" I asked as if the word was new to me.
"Whoever runs the slowest gets to pay" Miranda's boyfriend Andrew added.

Bailey was freakishly cute, so I immediately hid under the table to avoid any accidental eye contact. The rest of my family kept up with the "funny", but she handled it well.

"Wow, you're a pro at this" my brother complimented as she wrapped my Mu Shu in to a nice little pocket.
"Don't call me that. I don't want to be a professional waitress" she said with a smile.
"Okay fine" I said, rolling my eyes and holding up my hands to make air quotes, "Actress"

Since she had other tables waiting I offered to help, "Want me to take care of those?  I can't do the fancy fold, but I can roll them in to tacos"

"If you rolled it in to a taco it'd be a burrito" she shot back without missing a beat.

"Yeah, stupid" my ever-supportive sister chimed in.

By the time dessert came around Bailey had been putting up with our crap for quite some time, so I offered to let her have my complimentary birthday dessert.  She declined so I asked her to surprise me with something and got up to use the restroom.

When I returned, the not-professional waitress was standing over my seat and lighting a green candle in a thing of cheesecake. She didn't see me come back so I pulled up a chair from a neighboring table and sat down beside her.

"Oh, it's got green stuff all around the bottom now" she said, referring to the wax that had been melting.
She still wasn't aware of my presence when I responded, "Don't worry, I've got some pills that will fix that up."
"Oh. You're a quick one" Bailey laughed.

After she left I asked my sister, "Do you think I should tell her to hold on to the candle?  You know, for her scrapbook.  For when she tells the story of how we met to our kids."

She returned a few minutes later and asked, "Do you want that last Mu Shu boxed up to go?"

I don't normally take leftovers because I have a tendency to just let them stink up my fridge for a week before finally relenting and throwing them out.  She didn't give me a chance to answer though.   

"I worked hard folding those things up. It's going home in a bag with you, or in your belly."

"You know what.  I think I will take that home after all. It is a lovely Mu Shu."

I felt pretty bad about the amount of crap we had put the girl through, so after everyone left I slipped another twenty on to the table and headed for the parking lot.  By that time the Chang's was empty, and there were just employees left.  

One of the cars in the parking lot was empty but had its headlights on, so I walked back in to let someone know.  The hostess was long gone, and the front deserted, so I walked back towards our table to find Bailey clearing it off.

"You forgot something" she said before I had a chance to speak.  My heart?  How did you..  She held up the doggie bag of Mu Shu.

Oh yeah.  In my attempt to be decent and leave an extra tip I'd completely spaced on the leftovers."Thanks.  Someone left their car lights on by the way.  I would assume it's an employee here since the place is empty."

"Oh, I'll let them know.  You didn't have to leave the extra tip.  Thank you though"

"Well, you didn't have to put up with our shit.  Thank you."

"Happy Birthday"

I told my sister the postscript to the story over the phone while driving home.

"You know," she explained, "if you had grown a set and asked her for her number, worst case, you'd be driving home alone right now."