Five Lines or Less

You're currently reading this post for one of a few reasons. Please read the appropriate section, and only the appropriate section, for a personalized message just for you!

You're a loyal supporter of the blog, and read everything I post-

Mom,

How's your work day going? I'm considering going out of town this weekend, but if I don't, wanna hang out and maybe catch a movie?

Jesse

You received something in the mail with this web address-

Dear Sir/Madam,

I'm sorry. You were probably hoping it was some romantic gesture from that boy/girl you've been crushing on for the past few weeks, and it turns out to be a gift from a short nerd living in Phoenix. I would have fully explained on the card, but they only give you 5 lines to use on those things. How ridiculous is that? Asking me to write something that short is like asking Tim Burton to direct something bright, shiney and fluffy.  It's just not possible.

The reason you received something in the mail is most likely because someone entered you in my contest (click here to view the contest). I'm sorry to say that you didn't win the grand prize, but as I'm currently not paying girlfriend tax I thought it appropriate to send out some consolation gifts. I hope you enjoy them.

Jesse

You did a Google search for anyone famous I've written about and the word "feet"-

Dear Sir/Madam,

The number of hits I get each day for "Felicia Day Feet" and "Shirley Manson Feet" is getting out of hand. My blog name has the word "foot" in it and apparently Google is smart enough to translate that to "feet". I respect that everyone has their "thing". I myself like short nerdy girls, but I'm not out constantly Googling around looking for them. Knock it off.

Jesse

Okay okay, kidding aside, the contest is over and the stuff has been sent. I'm surprised by how many people were curious about it, so I created this mini-faq:

Q. Did I win?

A. Short answer: No.

Long answer: Nobody actually won. Somebody will receive the "big prize" though. That person gave me a very solid reason to send him/her flowers, and as such I did. It just wasn't necessarily contest related.

Q. So you ran a contest, got everyone to enter, and then changed the rules?

A. Not exactly. I stuck to the letter of the rules, and one of the entrants will receive flowers. Others may receive a consolation prize. I hope that everyone is happy in the end. That's the point after all.

Q. So who did get the "big prize"?

A. I'm not telling. If he/she wants to discuss it publicly here be my guest.

Q. But I got flowers. That means I'm the winner?

A. Not unless there's an absolutely horrible poem attached to them.

Q. Did you send that poor inmate something?

A. No. While the whole thing was rather amusing, even I have limits as to the amount of potential crazy I'll invite in to my life.

Q. So when does this "consolation" prize arrive?

A. Having something arrive on Saturday was like 15-25 bucks more, so "prizes" should be arriving between now and Friday.

Q. The consolation prize is probably something crappy right?

A. Probably

Happy Valentine's day everyone.

Nerd Games: The Free Flowers (Year 2)

Given that it's now almost February, the chances of me having a Valentine reside statistically in the "Not Probable" range.  I believe I've given or sent flowers for at least 7 or 8 years running now, and it seems a shame to let the streak end.

Given that, and my motto that every girl deserves flowers on Valentine's, I've decided to open up the free flowers competition again.  The rules are the same as last year.  

1. Nominate someone to get flowers. Write a reason/explanation, or don't.  I don't care. A good reason helps your chances though.

2. I'll pick a winner and pay for and send flowers. I'll also write a very crappy poem which you can help with if you'd like.

3. Contest ends on the 9th.

*I reserve the right to half ass it like I did last year if I get a slight case of death again.

Here are some sample entries that I just made up to get you started:

I think you should send flowers to my wife, because her husband is a jerk.

A dozen roses to Ruthie that read:
Dear Ruthie,
Please move back to 11-L so that Jesse has something to write about.
Love, Sesquipedalis Readers

Send flowers to Leyda with a card that reads, "Happy Valentine's - James Franco"

Valentine's Day: Follow Up

People keep asking me how V-day went. Unfortunately there's just not much to tell. I wish I had a good story for everyone, but instead you get the truth.


Despite my lack of a significant other, Valentine's went over fairly well this year. I started the day off with the perfect V-Day mixed CD, which can purchased: here(Why mix a CD when the perfect one has already been made?). I went to work, and tried my best to be "over" the plague that had been haunting me all week.

The Contest -
I had planned to do more for the contest, but I spent most of the weekend sick in bed and therefore took the "easy" way out and decided to just send flowers to a few people. I chose 3 winners for the contest.

Rose won because she had some fairly valid points. Normally I'd follow those points up with some sarcasm and making fun of her, but I relented this year. You can read about how excited she was on her blog here.

Anastacia won because she's a completely random girl that I know nothing about, and my Final Fantasy character is named Anastasia(How's that for odd coincidence?). I also figured anyone who puts up with Ben's crap on a regular basis deserves flowers. She probably deserves a lot more, but that's not what the contest was about.

Finally I chose a random email that I got from someone I didn't know. When I followed up with the girl though she said she didn't want the flowers. I assume she was worried I was a creepy stalker guy. I maintain that I'm only slightly creepy. Oh well, no flowers for her.

The Bear -
Around 5:30 Amy and Flip Cup picked Sean and I up from work and we headed off for Four Peaks in Tempe. They were having a four course meal special type thing for Valentine's day, and Sean had planned on going there for a while. There was a bit of issue since FC is only 20 years old.

As a side note, they said it was fine for her to be there if one of us was her legal guardian or husband. Does being married make it okay for you to go in to a bar/brewery that you wouldn't otherwise be allowed to go in to?

Sean worked his Canadian charm and eventually they said it was cool for her to go which was good because I was working on Plan B at the time(Shopping for a ring).

I gave her Steve(The Bear) as we got in to the car, and she seemed to really like it. I didn't make her carry it inside the restaurant since there was already issue with her age and I didn't want to draw anymore attention to us.

Dinner was good, albeit enough to feed a small army. The only time I'd seen Amy and FC together they were both drunk, which I assumed was what lead to the constant silliness. I was wrong. The silliness is a naturally occurring phenomenon that is some how related to proximity. For that reason it wasn't hard to have a good time.

By the time we got to the game I was exhausted. The dinner, lingering cold, and fact that I'd been laughing my ass off all night all added up to one tired nerd. Luckily the Sun's won 109-97 despite the fact that their new center still has yet to play a game.

I ended up getting home after midnight and falling in to bed.

I'm going to give this Valentine's Day a B+

Valentine's Day Plans

A few months ago, before Sun's general manager Steve Kerr decided to metaphorically punch me in the balls* and trade Shawn Marion for Shaq, I bought tickets to a few of this season's Sun's games. One particular game just happened to be on Valentine's day. It wasn't so much the day as it was the fact that we'd be playing the Mavericks, one of our biggest rivals.

I bought 4 tickets to the game assuming I'd find some other peeps who'd want to go too and Sean quickly jumped on 2 of them. Apparently he won the lottery when marrying Amy because 2 tickets to a Suns game is a good Valentine's day date for her.

Miranda naturally assumed the fourth ticket was hers. "You know you're not going to get a date" she repeatedly told me, but I held out hope.

"You want me to ask FlipCup?" Sean asked me one day. FlipCup is Amy's ridiculously cute and ridiculously too young for me sister Rachel. She got the nickname one St. Patty's day after a particularly heated drinking game. "You know, just in a friendly way." he continued, but I could already see his eyes aglow at the thought of he and I being brothers-in-law.

"Sure" I replied, "It's better than taking my sister on a Valentine's date and she seems like fun."

A few text messages later she was on board, and the evening was mostly planned out. I didn't know much about Rachel except that she seemed like fun, had a penchant for silly hats, and was short(Read: win, win, win).

"I need to do something obnoxious and cheesy since it's Valentine's day" I told Sean, "You know, like buy a huge stuffed teddy bear and make her carry it around all night."

"Yeah, freak her out. That seems like a good way to go." he replied, but Amy thought Rachel would be amused.

Today, like two cowboys who can't quit each other, Sean and I made our way to Wal-mart to look for bears. After searching through what seemed like miles of Dickie's and generic products we found the Valentine's section and picked out the biggest bear. Sean suggested I go find one of the kid's Sun's jerseys and put it on the bear.

"Wow, you really commit to a joke" my co-worker Anne commented after questioning me about the bear that now sits in my office.
"Uh, yeah, that's me in a nutshell"

Don't worry peeps, there's still a week and a half for her to come to her senses and back out of this.

*Seriously, unless this trade includes plans to a working time machine to go get Shaq from 5 years ago, what were they thinking? I'm sad. I'm scared. I'm confused. Somebody call Steve Nash and ask him to hold me.

Nerd Games: The Free Flowers

I debated posting this, but after Geremy threw a fit like a 7 year old who's mom wouldn't buy him the green Power Ranger, I decided to give him another chance at winning a prize.

Anyone who's read my blog for a while will recall that two years ago I sent a lesbian flowers for Valentine's day with the following poem:

Some women like diamonds
Some women like pearls
I wish you liked boys
Instead of girls

I thought it was pretty funny at the time. Everyone had told me her girlfriend was mean and wouldn't give her flowers, and I thought, "Every girl deserves flowers on Valentine's day right?". You can read the full story by starting at the bottom here and working your way up.

Last year I told Rachel, "I should send someone else flowers for Valentine's day this year."
"Leyda!" she replied without hesitation. Apparently Rachel thought it was a good idea that I send her friend that I barely knew a dozen roses, and that was reason enough for me.(You may remember Leyda from this post).

So, with V-day quickly approaching I've got a bill from proflowers.com waiting for a destination and I'm drawing a blank. The rules for this contest are simple:

1. Nominate someone to get flowers. Write a reason/explanation, or don't, I don't care. A good reason helps your chances though.

2. I'll pick a winner and pay for and send flowers. I'll also write a very crappy poem which you can help with if you'd like.

3. Contest ends on the 11th.

As before, feel free to email, comment, ask questions, etc. As an added bonus, if it's a female who's single and in to short nerds I'll buy you a free lunch for the tip.

I promise no more lame contests after this.

Every girl like's flowers on Valentine's Day right?

I was at McDuffy's a few day's before Valentine's day this year with Stacy and Mory. We were bitching about work, and joking around and such as we often do. They had downed a few crappy beer's as they often do, and I was working on a Diet Coke.

Somehow the subject of Angela came up and how her and her girlfriend have a crappy relationship, and how her girlfriend seems borderline emotionally abusive. I thought it was kind of sad, and having no relationship is better than having a crappy one.

"I should send a dozen roses to her with a crappy love poem" I thought aloud. "I mean every girl, lesbian or straight likes flowers right? Besides, her and her girlfriend are probably just going to spend the day fighting." Miranda and Stacy thought the idea was great. We didn't discuss it much more that night, but I decided if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right.

So for the next couple of days I tried to think of the perfect poem, and searched online for a good place to get roses. Without too much effort I decided on a dozen long stem Ecuadorian roses with a matching vase.

The poem on the other hand was a bit tougher. Angela works with my mom, and has a girlfriend. I didn't want anyone to get in trouble for a silly joke on my part, so I decided not to put my name. I did want her to know who they were from so she didn't assume they were from her girlfriend though. I also wanted to express some interest without going overboard. I finally came up with the following:

Some women like diamonds
Some women like pearls
I wish you liked boys
Instead of girls

I saw you at Thanksgiving
I met you at the bar
If you were my Valentine
I wouldn't pout in the car

The day before Valentine's I went to the website, entered the poem, made all of the arrangements and after a moments hesitation and nervousness (Is it wrong to send a lesbian flowers?) clicked the submit button and it was done.

After this was done I called Miranda (My personal social barometer) to make sure I hadn't just made a big mistake.
"I did it"
"Did what?"
"I sent the flowers and the crappy poem" (I then told her the poem)
"What the hell is your problem? You can't do that. You have to cancel it"
"I can't cancel, its the day before Valentine's. Besides, you said it was funny the other night!"
"I was drunk, of course it was funny you moron"

At this point I'm a little nervous. We call Stacy (Who works in the office) and let her know. She also says its probably not a good idea, but agrees to run interference to make sure its not taken the wrong way.

After all of the worrying, the flowers were more or less well received. Nothing really ever came of it, but at least I have a good story out of it.

When a cute Chilean girl asks you if you like chocolate, you say "yes"

After my dissapointingly abrupt ending to my "Semester with Ana" I figured I'd never see the girl again. Due to work picking up I was only taking one class the following semester and it was late in the day. The chances of running into the same person at ASU tend to be quite slim, so I had kind of let it go.

I made it my habit to come to school just a little bit early to avoid rush hour that semester. My class was right by the computer lab, so I could sit out on a bench with my laptop and check email, work, etc. To my surprise I saw Ana pass by a few times while sitting there. She would sometimes say hi, but it was that nervous kind of hello when you see someone you're not sure you want to talk to, but you know them so you feel obligated.

So, about once a week I would see this girl. I never had a chance to really talk to her because she was always in a group, and she never seemed interested in talking to me. Being a true nerd I sometimes get a little nervous talking to girls, especially one I've had a crush on for half a year. Knowing this, I had at least a question or two that I'd ask her thought out before hand so I didn't say anything completely retarded should the opportunity present itself. The last thing I need is to finally talk to this girl and say, "I like your boobies", so a little premeditation is a good thing.

Just after Valentines day I was sitting in my usual spot working on my laptop. I must have been engrossed in my work because Ana was nearly right in front of me before I looked up and noticed her. I was caught a little off guard, but she came over and started making small talk with me. I went back to my questions I had thought out..."So what classes are you taking this semester?""How did your classes go last semester?"

The whole time the voice in my head is saying, "For god's sake, don't say anything stupid." over and over again. I'm sweating, I'm nervous, and I'm really worried I'm about to do something dumb. Luckily I make it through the whole conversation. We finish our chat and she goes to class. I'm quite proud of myself for making it through without blowing it. "Maybe I've turned a corner." I think to myself, "Maybe I'm not quite the dork I think I am."

20 minutes later I'm surprised to see her walk by again, and she heads straight for me. Her hands are behind her back and she leans over and says, "Jesse would you like a kiss?" As she does this she pulls her hands forward to reveal a bunch of Hershey's Kisses. At this time there's a million slightly clever things that I could have said...
"But Ana, I hardly know you"
"Shouldn't you buy me dinner first?"

But instead I opened my mouth and went with, "I don't like chocolate."