From the Inbox: How to End a Blog

On Saturday as the clock struck midnight my phone once again chirped at me. "Ana's 23rd Birthday". Two years ago to the day had been both the peak and end of our "Relationship", but for some reason I never took the time to finish that part of the story.

Last year I bumped in to her one day, and then a few months later a bunch of pictures of her in Guatemala showed up on my flickr friend list. The meeting was very short and awkward. We emailed a few times, but that too was somewhat awkward. She asked me what had happened to us, which was odd since she had decided to cut off all contact. She had started dating someone, and to my surprise that meant we could no longer see each other.

Instead of answering the question and playing the game I decided to instead write her the end of our story the way I had wanted to. She was the original inspiration for this blog, so it only seemed fitting to write an end to the story. The first half of this email is complete fact, but it soon takes a few liberties. I'll leave the separation of fact from fiction as an exercise to the reader.

The other day the guys asked me to go to lunch with them. I've had a bit of a falling out with some of the other nerds as of late, so I hadn't been going to lunch with the gang. For some odd reason though, I decided to go.

"What!?! You guys want to drive all the way to In-N-Out? That'll take forever" I protested when told the destination of choice.
"It's all freeway, it'll be quick. Quit your whining"
"Meh, it's not like I was getting any work done anyhow"

There's just something about going back to the old stomping grounds that I spent my young adult life( Tempe ). It seems like I generally run in to someone, and more often than not it's someone I don't want to run in to. As we entered I did a quick glance around and didn't notice anyone familiar. With a sigh of relief I placed my order and like a herded cow moved my way slowly through the people towards the drink dispenser. As I did, the people parted like a wave and from across the room I saw a familiar set of eyes. A dark pair of eyes that I had missed and tried to forget for some time. Her hair had changed. The way she held herself had changed... it had only been six months right? The one thing that hadn't changed was the smile. It was Ana... It was the Chilean princess of yesteryear... And I was... scared?

It had been almost 3 years since this girl had intimidated me, but the feeling was quickly familiar. It had been a while, and things hadn't exactly ended in the most optimal aways. I suppose it was the only way they could have ended, but it still seemed far from perfect.

She got up from her table and we politely exchanged hello's. I asked about her job, and she introduced me to her co-workers, but their names quickly evaded the grasp of my memory as my focus was on her.

After the typical small talk that everyone has and no one
remembers, I got brave.

"Maybe we should do lunch or something sometime. I'll by you Subway" I asked in reference to how we met.
"I'd like that" she said coyly. "You still have my number?"
"Of course"

3 days later we met and had Turkey Breast sandwiches at a Subway in Mesa . The ice quickly melted and it wasn't long before I remembered all the things that had drawn me to her in the first place.

2 years later I proposed on a beach in Hawaii on vacation. She said yes, and we were wed on a Cliff overlooking the ocean in Chile the following year.

We now keep both my condo in Phoenix, and a small house in Guatemala where we spend the majority of our time. We started a website that helps match nerds with girls who need a good man. It provides feedback and helpful hints. She does the content, I do the administration. Luckily, we're able to work abroad and still afford to live happily and care for our five children.

The End.

Nerd Word(s): THAT (guy)

THAT (guy)
- proper noun

1. A person who fits well in to a (generally negative) stereotype or cliche.

[ Origin: The first time I remember hearing the phrase was Jeremy Piven in PCU(1994) when he says, "What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy." I'm sure it was seen much earlier than that though. ]

- usage
1. "You were so THAT guy for her. You bought her flowers. You met her mom. You totally played the role just to get in to her pants."
2. "I got totally hammered at the party after my ex showed up and was THAT guy all night"

- examples
1. Anyone over 21 who has asked other people to kick in for gas on a trip that was less than 100 miles.
2. Anyone over 24 who has gotten in an argument over who was "more fucked up".

3. Anyone who gets angry enough during a sporting event to make his or her companions scared.

4. An iPerson who is just salivating for the new iProduct.

5. Any guy who has ever said, "The band is going to make it"

6. A nerd with a blog that mostly focuses on his failures with women.

Max's Birthday

I have a long standing tradition of recording odd dates in my phone so that I remember them the following year and surprise people. It's a generally good idea to know birthdays and such, but at times I take it to slight extremes just for the humor involved.

"Hey dude, your anniversary is next week. Don't screw it up this year"
"Hey, isn't it your ex-baby sitter's birthday? You should get her something"

In early March the phone let me know that Max's birthday was approaching. Max is my mother's Silky Terrier, constant companion, and fourth child. I'm not saying she loves the dog more than her children, but I am saying she's one dog sized Gucci handbag and owner-dog matching sweater set away from being that lady.

We hadn't had any fun with mom in a while, so I called my sisters Anna and Miranda and got the plan set in motion. Dad was supposed to distract mom while we decorated the house and prepared.

Miranda Baked a cake and bought small "Doggy Bags". Anna decorated with streamers. I bought party favors and made a mixed CD:

1. Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men
2. Who Am I? - Snoop Doggy Dogg
3. Hound Dog - Elvis Presley

Dad's distraction didn't last quite long enough, but asking someone to keep mom from home after work day is like asking a midget to tackle Barry Sanders in the open field. Sure, it might happen, but the odds aren't in your favor.

Eventually she got home and we had our little party. As lame as it was, the dogs really seemed to enjoy themselves, and so did mom.

Max slobbering on blowing out the candle.

Tonka rocking the birthday hat. Pepper desperately trying to get in a picture.

Anna and Jack showing off their hats. Pepper still trying to get in a picture.

Max being restrained by mom(It's the only time he's still)

How To Introduce Yourself With Style

This is my #1 girl Rose, and her fiance Zach:

Zach is basically Jesse 2.0. He's shorter. He's calmer. He's got better hair. He's all together a pleasure to be around. So, it's with little reluctance that I give this union my blessing. Sure, I feel a little like a Hugh Hefner girlfriend who just turned 35. Nobody wants to be replaced by the newer, fancier model, but in this case it's okay.

The wedding is this summer in Chicago. Money has been a little tight, and as I was budgeting for the trip I was coming up a bit short. Rose mentioned that some of her friends were looking to share a room and pointed me to her friend Teresa. Rose sent Teresa an email and at the same time I got one from another mutual friend, Sara. Now I was in a bit of a predicament since I had two possibilities on the table. I decided to go straight to the source and straighten things out with an email to Teresa.

Meeting someone face to face I have a crippling amount of self consciousness, but in a digital medium I overcompensate for that with too much writing. If you haven't figured that out by now, you haven't been paying attention. Any normal human being would sit down and write a short letter explaining the situation.

Teresa,

Rose mentioned you might want a roommate for the weekend of her wedding. I too am interested in sharing a room. Please contact me at: 555-555-5555 if you are interested.

Jesse

This letter probably would have worked out wonderfully. Unfortunately it's not the one that I sent.

This one is:

T Money Money,

I think Rose may have sent you an email about room sharing on my behalf. This latest economic crunch has finally hit me, and I find myself trying to make a dollar out of a dime and a nickle. Being the good Christian that I am, I wouldn't normally consider sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex (pre-marriage), but times are hard and I'm sure the Gee Oh Double Dizzle will forgive me.

On a (somewhat) serious note... I'm looking for a roommate for the weekend and Rose said you don't snore and might be interested in shacking up with a short nerd for the weekend. I know what you're thinking, "I could probably room with any number of people, why choose this guy?". Well, I'm glad you asked Teresa. We asked 100 people that question and the top 7 answers are on the board.

1. I was a lion tamer in the circus for over 8 years. In the event of a lion attack you can rest assured that you're safe.

2. If I'm not drinking, I'm a perfect gentlemen, so need to worry about some creepy guy hitting on you all night while you're trying to catch your zzz's.

3. I have a top secret security clearance in case the FBI gets involved and you need someone to handle the situation.

4. I always leave the toilet seat down.

5. I only drink at weddings.

6. I know some awesome card tricks that are sure to impress, and unlike most magicians, I'll actually tell you the secret.

7. You already live with Rose and tolerate her. Rose is basically just like me except she's funnier and has prettier hair. On the plus side I'm less cranky.

If you'd like to be my roommate for the weekend all I need is a 300 word essay describing why you'd like to spend a weekend in Chicago sharing a hotel with me. The winner of this contest will be selected based on total whim and is not subject to any rules or laws.

Also.... Rose's friend Sara recently emailed me asking about room sharing. Let me know your status as soon as possible so we can work everything out. I personally wouldn't be opposed to splitting a room 3 ways, but I don't know where you guys would sit on that idea. (The French have a word for that, but I don't remember it off the top of my head).

Feel free to email me back, or call(555-555-5555).

Jesse

P.S.
4 of the 7 bullets above are true.. I'm not telling which ones though

Needless to say, Teresa will be staying with Peggy.

Feel free to stop by Rose's blog and say hello, or just give her a congrats on the wedding. It's an okay blog, but I think we can all agree not as good as mine.

Nerd Words: My Main Man

My Main Man
- nickname

1. A close friend

[ Origin: In the Engineering program at ASU Erik and I had a lot of Indian classmates. One of Erik's classmates always called him, "My Main Man". Erik stole the saying from him, and I stole the saying from Erik. ]

- see also
My homie

- usage
1. "What is up my main man?"
2. "Erik. My main man. Get over here."

Jesse Fails at Friendly

About a year ago Maya and I had a set date of hanging out once a week which has since turned in to "once a month... if time permits" as both of our schedules have gotten more busy. After our weekly dinner we'd watch Heroes or Firefly or some other nerdy TV show and gossip about boys, twins, and bands.

One particular Monday evening we found ourselves walking in to the Pei Wei near my house for some fine Asian Fusion dining. Like a true gentleman I opened the door for Maya and entered behind her. I was surprised when a blond girl from across the restaurant's hand flew up and waved to me. There was a small wall between us, and I must have been tired because I didn't immediately recognize her. I checked the surrounding area for other, better looking guys who would have a cute girl waiving to them, but it was just me. I returned the motion with some hesitation and went to order.

"Who's that?" Maya asked
"Um. I'm not sure" I started, but as we got up to order my brain decided to start working and the answer finally clicked, "Oh, that's Megan. She lives in my building."

Megan was a very cute resident of the fourth floor who always seemed nice and personable. I'd bumped in to her a lot since she was friends with my main man Allen, and due to the fact that she was often seen walking her dog Brownie. She was one of the people in the building I'd always wanted to get to know better, but never had the confidence to initiate more than a friendly hi with. She had a very warm aura that was attractive on a personal level, but for a shy nerd such as myself also somewhat intimidating.

By the time I'd put together who it was a few minutes had past. More importantly the moment had passed, and I found myself unsure if I should walk over or just go about my business. In times past when I've chosen the former I normally end up saying something absolutely brilliant.

"So... uh... what are you doing here?"
"It's a restaurant. I'm eating"
"Uh.... yeah... see ya round"

So in this case I settled on the latter and left it at an uncomfortable wave. An uncomfortable wave is better than saying something uncomfortable and stupid I surmised.

A few months later my extended family was in Phoenix for my brother's wedding and I was showing them my condo. There was a huge moving truck outside being loaded up and I was surprised to see Megan walking towards it carrying a box.

"You... You're moving out?" I asked. It was that last day of school when you find out someone won't be returning next year after Summer break. His or Her dad took a job in upstate New York, but you'll keep in touch. At least that's what you wrote in each other's year books.

You didn't keep in touch.

"Yeah" she replied, "It's been nice, but I just don't think people are very friendly here."

Where we're going. Where we've been.

It's been a while since I've posted. I'd like to say that it's because I've been working on some amazing and humorous stories, but that's not necessarily the case.

Sesquipedalis Year 2 is drawing to a close, and I find myself in need of a new direction for the blog. The amusing thing about writing a blog is you start off thinking, "Man I've got some funny stuff to write", but then 3 weeks later you've written those 2 stories that were really "money" and you're left winging it for the remainder of the blog, which for most people is about 4 entries in.

Year 1 was all about me and my inability to function socially, especially when relating to members of the opposite sex. Through the significant efforts of a few people, most notably a couple of fantastic neighbors, I've worked through the majority of those issues.

Year 2 I branched out a little and tried to share more of my people(Nerds) culture, and do some more off-topic type pieces like reviews and such.

For Year 3, I'm at a total loss. I could easily turn this in to a day by day status update. There's nothing wrong with those blogs, but it's just not what I want this to be. Others have done that and do it better than I ever could.

I've had a few ideas, but nothing has jumped out and grabbed me.

I considered taking a fast food joint job once every month and seeing how quickly I could get canned. How fun would it be to work at Pizza Hut again, but not care about anything? The issue here is that I'm quite lazy.

I considered turning the blog in to a piece of fiction. Adam had told me to just start making things up. Base them slightly in reality, but never let the audience know. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm that creative.

My last idea was to "get involved" with something, anything. The big stumbling block here is that I'm the least opinionated person you'll ever meet.

In the end so far I've resorted to not writing anything. Maybe I'll put the nose to the grindstone and finish up some other stories and wait for inspiration. This blog has more loose ends than a gay cowboy rodeo at an abandoned tampon factory, and maybe I should tie them up some day.

Hang in there kids, and stick with me. We're gonna get through this together. Feel free to leave suggestions and tell me what sucks/what doesn't.

Credit goes to the lovely and talented Kendall for the tampon joke.