Nerd Word(s): Medium Hotness Girl

Medium Hotness Girl
- Noun

1. A girl who is a great catch, but not completely out of your league.

[ Origin: After years and years of dating and being surrounded by ridiculously beautiful women, I announced to Sean one day that I was just looking for someone who wasn't out of my league. ]

- usage
1. "You should meet my sister, she's single"
"Your sister?  I've seen her on facebook.  She's not medium hotness, she's a ten.  Pass"

- see also
1 to 10

Nerd Word(s): Pardon

Pardon
- Interjection

1. Excuse me

[ Origin: A few years ago my coworker Marloue and I got sent to Vancouver for work. The Canadians didn't have much of an access, but there were two points that stood out. First, they said the word "Process", "Pro Sess". Second, instead of "Excuse Me" they always used the word "Pardon". Marloue and I decided to bring the word back from America's Hat as a souvenir. ]

Jesse Gets Jumped

I've been sick for the better part of two months now. First it was the ear infection from hell. That was followed shortly by a sinus infection. There's a solid chance that I'm dying, so if you're from that Make-A-Wish foundation please send a scantily clad, short, nerdy girl over to my house as soon as possible. Bonus points if she's in to short nerds, or gets a discount at zPizza.

One day the ear was so bad that I took the morning off from work and just slept in. I awoke at noon to find the phone all abuzz with work emails detailing various problems, and finally decided to haul my sorry ass in. The thing with being a software engineer is that when you're not around, it's all your fault. Everything. Even in my weakened state, I wasn't going to stand for that, so I cleaned myself up, threw on a fresh set of clothes, and headed in to the office, prepared to kick some nerd ass.

As I rounded the last stairwell in the parking garage I heard a voice.

"Excuse me... um... excuse me?"

I hadn't seen anyone in the garage, so the voice took me by surprise. I searched around and eventually found a head hanging over from the floor above. This head happened to belong to a particularly cute girl and it was staring back at me.

"Um... could you jump me?"

Holy crap, am I still sleeping? Did I accidentally walk on to the set of a porno?

I considered taking my pants off and doing my sexy time dance, but instead opted for something less.

"Pardon?"

Normally I'd have put two and two together, but my brain still wasn't functioning yet. I stared back at her questioningly.

"My car... the battery is dead. I think I left dome light on."

Oh... of course...

Minutes later I'd be helping her with her car and trying to awkwardly make small talk. It wasn't my usual D+ game, but I was sick so I'm giving myself a pass. Later in the month I would find out that the girl actually lives on my floor a few doors down.

While I haven't talked to the girl since, I like to think that we're just taking it slow. At our current pace, I fully expect to tell this story at our wedding in 2054. Save the date cards coming soon!

Nerd Word(s): Literally

Literally
- Adverb

1. Often misused on purpose as a means of mocking a person who overuses the word, or uses it incorrectly.

[ Origin: For some reason, the incorrect usage of literally has always rubbed me the wrong way like a stripper at a club in the bad part of town. ]

- see also
1. Figuratively
2. Totally

- examples
1. "I literally drank so much that I should have died."
"Literally?"
"Yeah, literally"
2. "He's literally the greatest basketball player in the world"
"Your cousin Tommy?"
3. http://evohno.blogspot.com/2010/04/lets-never-go-back.html

That Must Have Hurt

I started off writing this story in the comment section of Extensive Vamping as a response to this post. In the end I figured it was decent enough to post here. Enjoy.

One day my friend Rose and I were walking in to Pei Wei when a guy and girl walked out. He had on one of those button up shirts on with the big collar, which was basically the Ed Hardy first date shirt of 2001 for frat boys across the globe.

It was obviously early in the relationship because despite looking like a total ass, the guy held the door open for her and actually seemed interested in the conversation, despite the fact that "I just want to get laid" was written all over his act.

As he walked by he said to his date in that triumphant end-of-my-story-you-should-laugh-now kind of way, "and it was so good that I literally ate my ass off."

At that point Rose and I both turned to look and see if his ass was still there. Thankfully it was.

Then we both literally laughed out loud.

Are You Coming or Going? (A note from the author)

I originally wrote this on December 2nd. I didn't publish it though because I still had some hope of getting my mojo back, and it seemed a little too self serving. Tonight I went back to take a look through my half finished posts to see if anything sparked my interest and found this post.

I realize it's been quite some time since I've written here. The truth is that there's a very specific emotional state that I need to be in to write what I call, "A Sesquipedalis Story", and that state and I just haven't been able to find each other lately.

I was telling someone about my blog tonight and getting a little excited when I realized it's not really fair to call myself a blogger if I don't, you know, actually blog. The problem lately is that I feel like I've said everything I could possibly ever have to say, and then some. I'm just really a quiet guy who's not all that opinionated. This isn't a case of writer's block, it's just the repetitive nature of life.

I said something absolutely idiotic to a girl in the lobby yesterday. I was excited to have a small story to blog about until I sat down to write it and realized, "Been there, done that."

I'm still around, and I plan on blogging again sometime in the near future. I've been kicking around the idea of taking the blog in an entirely new direction, or starting a different one. I'm not really sure though. If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know.

While I'm gone, I hope everyone is well.

Jesse

Still With the Elevator

I never really planned to have an entire section of my blog devoted to elevator stories, yet here we are again. I guess the thing about it is, elevators are awkward no matter what. When sharing a ride your choices come down to forced social interaction, forced social avoidance, or playing with your phone and pretending to text/check email/avoid eye contact. I normally go for choice number three, but sometimes the elevator has plans of its own.

I woke up late today, and found myself rushing through the morning routine. There isn't really a late per se at my job, but I was intending to leave at a reasonable hour, and as such I really should have been in earlier than I was.

I got to the building around nine and grabbed the elevator that was open. It's a simple procedure that I've managed to perform correctly for the past five years, but today when I pressed the button labeled "15", the elevator did something different.

It didn't move

I waited a moment, but nothing. A quick step out and glance at the other elevators gave no clue as to how to solve my predicament. I decided that before going to talk to someone I should give the elevator one last try.

The "Door Close" button was feeling my frustration when the elevator finally relented and the doors began to close. At the same time I looked up to see a woman who resembled a thirty-something year old Kim Kardashian trying to get on.

I caught the door just in time. She thanked me, and in turn I explained why I had been so focused on the button panel.

"The door wouldn't close for the last three minutes. I guess it just wanted to wait for you."

I was fairly pleased with myself for making what seemed to me, an appropriate comment that was at least slightly amusing.

Kim apparently didn't share my amusement. She looked at me as if I had just asked her for her sign in some Scottsdale bar and dryly said, "Charming"