Still With the Elevator

I never really planned to have an entire section of my blog devoted to elevator stories, yet here we are again. I guess the thing about it is, elevators are awkward no matter what. When sharing a ride your choices come down to forced social interaction, forced social avoidance, or playing with your phone and pretending to text/check email/avoid eye contact. I normally go for choice number three, but sometimes the elevator has plans of its own.

I woke up late today, and found myself rushing through the morning routine. There isn't really a late per se at my job, but I was intending to leave at a reasonable hour, and as such I really should have been in earlier than I was.

I got to the building around nine and grabbed the elevator that was open. It's a simple procedure that I've managed to perform correctly for the past five years, but today when I pressed the button labeled "15", the elevator did something different.

It didn't move

I waited a moment, but nothing. A quick step out and glance at the other elevators gave no clue as to how to solve my predicament. I decided that before going to talk to someone I should give the elevator one last try.

The "Door Close" button was feeling my frustration when the elevator finally relented and the doors began to close. At the same time I looked up to see a woman who resembled a thirty-something year old Kim Kardashian trying to get on.

I caught the door just in time. She thanked me, and in turn I explained why I had been so focused on the button panel.

"The door wouldn't close for the last three minutes. I guess it just wanted to wait for you."

I was fairly pleased with myself for making what seemed to me, an appropriate comment that was at least slightly amusing.

Kim apparently didn't share my amusement. She looked at me as if I had just asked her for her sign in some Scottsdale bar and dryly said, "Charming"

Jesse gets Zugged

A few months ago I was reading an article at www.zug.com about the best office pranks ever. I'm a big fan of the site, and the creator John Hargrave, but with all due respect I felt we had done it better. I left a comment on the entry with a link back to our prank, and left it at that.

Soon after I got an email from John asking me to rewrite the story so he could host it on Zug. I double checked with Sean since it was, after all, his prank, and then agreed.

Unfortunately life got a little busy, and I never got around to writing the article. John emailed me again after the holidays, and I finally got off my ass and wrote it. It's now one of the featured articles on the site.

http://www.zug.com/live/83619/shr5/The-Office-Prank-My-CoWorker-Will-Never-Forget

Enjoy!

The Valentine's Day Wrap Up Part 1:J.R. Wins

I realize it's been an exceptionally long time since I last "blogged". I had a whole post written out explaining why, but then I realized, nobody cares. I've decided to kick off my (semi)return to blogging with a few stories that have been sitting in the vault for a while.

This particular story is probably one of the bigger ones of my life, but then 5 days later I met Shaq at a diner, and that story sort of occupied my time for a while.

Back in February I ran a contest to send flowers out on Valentine's day. The Valentine's day contest has become a bit of a tradition around here, but last year I took it to a whole new level sending all manner of prizes and gifts. Despite the fact that there were numerous entries deserving of flowers, and despite the fact that no inmate received flowers, I still feel like J.R. was really the winner. He took upon himself to not only enter the contest and provide insightful comments on the other entries, he also did a little work of his own.

Friday was the day before Valentine's, but most of the "prizes" were scheduled to arrive that day. Only for the "big winner" did I actually pay the extra ten bucks for Saturday delivery. As I strolled in to work, I was mentally making notes of what was going where, and double checking to make sure I hadn't missed something. For 2009 it wasn't just a contest, it was an operation.

I entered my office and became the envy of every extremely myopic drunken 22 year old female. I had received flowers from the Baller himself.

J.R. didn't just send me flowers for Valentine's. He took it one step further and included the following, heartfelt poem:

Bitches Ain't Shit,

But Tricks And Hoes.

Maybe It's Time You Give Up

On Girls, And Switch to Bros.

Have A Bro-Mantic

Valentine's Day!

Baller

By noon things were on trucks and "out for delivery". All told there were 3 sets of flowers, 5 gift boxes from The Popcorn Factory, and one set of two dozen long stemmed Roses.

I hate sitting around to see how a plan unfolds, and since I had no particular Valentine of my own, when Kendall, my 6'1 modelesque friend, invited me to L.A. to hang out for the weekend I took the rest of the day off work and headed home to pack. As I walked in to my building I ran in to Agnes, my ninety-two year old building crush.

"So, any Valentine's day weekend plans for you?" I asked.
"Valentine's? Love?" she looked at me like I was crazy, "I'm too old for that stuff."

I reached the eleventh floor, and minutes later I had a weekend's worth of clothes packed in to a travel suitcase. I was about to leave when I spotted J.R.'s flowers. I didn't think they'd do much good in my place since I'd be in L.A., so I took them with me.

As I walked out of the Landmark I handed them to the guy working the front desk.

"Could you give these to Agnes for me?"
"And who should I say they're from?"
"Oh. Just tell her they're from a secret admirer."

On Being Witty

I was in a mad rush to finish up my Christmas shopping last Monday. Every year, mid-November I think, "I'll just buy a few things for the family and call it done" and every year, by December 20th, I've gotten gifts for tons of people, and spent way too much money. The thing is that I get an idea in my head, and then it's a mini-project that I have to finish.

I was still missing a few items, but I had a moment to stop in to Best Buy and pick them up. It was probably my fourth trip in as many days. At Best Buy, there is one long line, and when you get to the front, the next available person takes you. I approached the front of the line, items in hand and gave the various lines the once over.

There was the kid who's so weird, standing next to him would make me Steve Urkel look like George Clooney. I remember once reading that the key to women was to always hang with a friend who is uglier than you are. I considered asking him if he'd like to go to a Christmas party, or just hang sometime. He'd be my ringer.

Next to him was overly enthusiastic girl. She seems nice, but I can only be asked so many times if I found everything okay. Come on lady, you know me. I practically have your website memorized. My visits to Best Buy are more regular than a 26 year who eats well and takes Metamucil.

Next to her... Next to her was the cute short girl who I find intimidating despite the fact that she can't possibly be taller than 4'11 and is probably no older than 25. She'd been my cashier at least twice before, and somehow it was always very friendly, but not to the point of being weird. For me, a conversation with a stranger that isn't a complete train wreck comes around about as often as the Cardinals going to the Superbowl, but somehow it always manages to happen with her.

Naturally her line opened up first. I dumped my arm full of items on to the counter and began awkwardly digging through my pants for my "rewards card". As I did we discussed our holidays, the shopping, and how things had been. As she scanned the last item she said with a surprise, "Oh. It says here you get a 10 dollar gift card."

30 seconds later I would realize that a fun reply would be, "Oh. Wow... Um... How embarrassing. I didn't get you anything."

Unfortunately for me, I didn't wait 30 seconds to reply, I waited 2. What came out was closer to, "Oh. Um... Cool?"

After I left, I went straight home and mailed Santa a new letter with a brief description of the girl and a request for one, "Ability to think on my feet". While either of those items would have been fantastic, Santa instead brought me a new pair of jeans. I'm sure those will work out just as well.

Now Accepting Applications

One of my personal rules is to not blog about video games if possible. It just doesn't seem that the general population would have any clue what I'm talking about, but I think this is a special occasion. This isn't just any video game.

Grab your biggest red marker and throw a circle around next Sunday on your calendar. On November 15th, 2009, it is on. If you're someone who has bladder control issues I suggest you go grab a spare pair of chonies right now because the news I'm about to drop on you is pee-your-pants exciting.

That's right, New Super Mario Wii comes out next Sunday.

So what's the big deal you ask? "New Super Mario" is a new line of Mario games designed in the image of the original Mario game(s). You know, the one from your childhood(Assuming your childhood encompassed 1986). There's a run button, a jump button, and not much else. This is the closest you can get to reliving your past without a Delorean, a crazy doctor, and one point twenty one jiggowatts of power. In this iteration of the beloved series, creator Miyamoto is giving the game multiplayer action: Four nerds simultaneously galumphing Gombas, kicking Koopas, bouncing off Bob-ombs and hating on Hammer Bros.

For that reason I've decided to open the floor and accept applications for my Mario Team. I'm currently looking for 3 people skilled in the arts of Bowser bashing and Peach protecting to form one Mario super group(pun intended). Please see the following job posting. If you feel you are qualified for the position, please respond in the comments, or send your resume and cover letter to Sesquipedalis.

Sesquipedalis is currently seeking a highly motivated individual well versed in the workings of the Mushroom Kingdom. The ideal candidate will be familiar with traversing pipes and navigating treacherous castles. Must enjoy mushrooms and have an ability to rise to the occasion. Calloused thumbs, strong jumping skills, knowledge of botany, and a desire to play with fire all considered a plus.

Please indicate the following in your submission:
1) What is your favorite Mario game?
2) How many Mario games have you personally played through?
3) Daisy or Peach?
4) If you were a Yoshi, what color would you be, and why?
5) What's your favorite Mario power up, and why?

Feel free to add any personal information that the recruiter should know to assist in ensuring the right candidate gets the job.

Spare Some Change?

I handle change about as well as a fingerless bum with a hole in his cup, but lately it seems like I haven't had much choice in the matter. There have been changes with work, personal life and my friends.

The biggest change of all though has been in my status. No, not that status. I've been a brother and a son forever, but today, for the first time, I became an uncle. Let the Stamos/Dukes of Hazard jokes begin.

My sister Anna went through 26 hours of labor, but eventually Adrian relented and came out to meet the world.

What's the appropriate amount of time to wait before I start training him to help pick up on cute girls?

Congrats to Josh and Anna.

I promise to return to blogging some day soon. It's not that I haven't been writing, it just hasn't really been Sesquipedalis type material. Maybe A can be my new inspiration.

A Step In the Right Direction

Crap, I need water.

This was supposed to be a rush trip to the grocery store, but it suddenly occurred to me that the basket I was holding in my right hand would be insufficient. I was out of bottled water.

Now now, before you start writing one of the following responses, hear me out.
1. Bottled water?!?! What about the earth? Plastic waste is responsible for blah blah blah. Al Gore said blah blah.
2. Bottled water?!?! You pay money for water, tool?

I had never paid for water until I moved in to the Landmark 3 years ago. It's a neat building, but it's also 40 years old and has very bad plumbing. If the faucet has been off for a while, then the water comes out with a rather orange tint that I learned the hard way doesn't have a matching orange flavor. I switched to a Brita filter and a few water bottles, but for guests I try to keep some bottled water stocked.

It had been a pretty crappy week in general which, in my small circle of friends, included: a break up, a break down, a sixty hour work week, a case of the swine flu, and an odd request from an old friend. Oh yeah... the company had also scheduled an all hands meeting for the day after our third quarter results were announced. It wasn't the Worst Week Ever, but were there a list, it probably would have made the top ten.

I had a few items in my basket and the karts are kept outside, so I stashed my groceries and hurried for the exit. As I came out, a woman who had just dislodged a kart from the group noticed me heading her way. Normally the sight of me moving hurriedly towards her is cause for a woman to reach for the pepper spray in her purse.

"You need one too?" She said with a surprising smile, "Here, take this one."

It was a pretty small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but in the moment it hit with an unexpected weight.

"Thank you"
"No problem"

Twenty minutes later I was on B2 of my building's parking garage. The trip from my parking spot to my apartment is a flight of stairs up to a door that unlocks with my building fob. The door leads to a long hallway that goes to the laundry mat and an elevator which requires the fob yet again. The elevator takes you to the eleventh floor. One more long hallway leads to my door. I was making the trip with two cases of water, a bunch of groceries and a backpack. Needless to say my hands were full.

I managed to get the keys out to open the first door, and down the hallway I could see an extremely cute building resident doing her laundry. The cute blond also spotted me from down the hallway and rushed out to get the elevator.

"You look like you've got your hands full" she said with a smile.

Cute and considerate? I think I'm in love.

Had I a ring on my person, it surely would have been hers. Instead I opted for a simple, "Thank You"