A foot and a half

Oh You Crazy Google(A Puzzle)

2011-11-20T00:14:00.006-07:00

A couple of years ago my sister asked me what phone to get next. She was locked in to Verizon, and had been using Windows Mobile. Microsoft had mostly given up at that point, so I suggested she get the new Droid everyone was talking about. I sat down to help her set up her email and things, and was so taken by the phone that later that day I went and bought one myself.

Two years have passed, and while I find myself rather anxious for the upcoming "Galaxy Nexus", my sister is in dire need of a new phone. Her Droid recently gave out on her. So, when Google's twitter announced they were giving away 10 through a contest, I decided to jump in and try to win her a new phone.

Many of the competitions were out of my realm of expertise, but when contest 8, a puzzle showed up, I jumped on it and spent more of a Saturday than I'm willing to admit completing it. I wasn't the first one to finish, but I'm happy to say that I did finish it all on my own.

The original puzzle is laid out here:
http://t.co/Epv3OcwV

The instructions were:
Submit Challenge 8 response as: "#ICS & @googlenexus let you [answer]"

And a hint was later given:
Lots of responses so far to Challenge 8! Hint: Apply message from path to the Androids. Use 6 independent passes through the grid

Hit the comments button for the solution

I started off by following the arrows and going round and round in circles, so I knew I was doing something wrong. Eventually I realized that you had to follow the arrow of the droid you were leaving, maintain a straight line, and end up at the next. Since we can only turn when we land on the "x+1" droid, finding the path from #1 to #3 was rather simple. It has to be this:

Through a decent amount of logic and trial and error, I found the final numbers to be the following:

If you follow the path from number to number, crossing off the letters you pass, you get:

Reading the letters gives you:
NOWUSEBRAILHE

I originally assumed this was an anagram which I unscrambled to get:
Browse in Lehuna
Use Whole Brain

That was when the second clue came in from google:
Hint: Apply message from path to the Androids. Use 6 independent passes through the grid

I believe at this point that google made a mistake and the last H should have been an L, making it read:

Now Use Braille.

It still took a lot of different guesses, but what finally made it click for me was, "6 Independent Passes" combined with the 6 androids at the bottom that had been sitting there the whole time:

Each of these androids represents one "pass". A normal braille letter is 2x3 squares, and if you divide the board in to a grid like this, you get 6 spots for braille letters:

From here you take 6 "passes" and cross off any android that is similar to the android from the key on the bottom. For example, using Android Key #1:

We now cross off anyone with a hat, pipe, vest thingie, bird, watch, or alcoholic beverage, giving us:

If you already know braille then you're set. Otherwise, look at a key and turn each box in to a letter to get:
Unlock

For Android Key #2:

We now start over and cross off any android with hair:

If we take that and consult a braille key, we get:
Your Ga

After continuing this pattern through all six "Keys" you get the phrase:
Unlock Your Galaxy Nexus Phone With a Smile

This is a reference to the new Android feature that allows you to unlock the phone with the camera and a picture of your face.

I was pretty late to the answer so I won't be winning any phones, but I had a fun time playing. I enjoy a good puzzle.

There's a Time and Place to Flirt

2011-11-05T23:30:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I got really sick in the middle of the day. I was working at home, and suddenly had the worst headache of my life. I laid on the ground in pain, and for a few minutes I thought I might actually be dying.

They say people see their life flash before their eyes when they are about to die, but all I could think about was how Arrested Development was finally coming back on the air and I wasn't going to be around to see it. I was pissed.

When the pain finally died down I drove myself to the ER where I was subjected to various tests.

First there was the blood work. Even in my weakened state, I couldn't help but notice the nurse taking my blood was exceptionally cute. She lead me to the next room where another ridiculously cute nurse started hooking me up to an IV.

"This might make you feel like you're peeing your pants. Well, it'll make you feel pretty warm downstairs anyhow." she said with a bit of a smile.

Reliving a particularly painful third grade memory wasn't exactly at the top of my to do list, but I figured I should just go along with it. By this time I was feeling a bit out of it, and the doctor finally came in.

"So, how are you feeling Mr... Bearden?"
"This wasn't exactly what I had planned when I woke up this morning." I was interrupted by someone screaming in pain down the hall, "but I guess it could be worse"

The doctor looked a shocking amount like Scarlett Johansson, and now I was starting to wonder if someone was screwing with me. A few hours later the tests had all come back negative, and Scarlett told me that she wanted to do a spinal tap. I was not enthused, but eventually gave in.

The nurse took me to a different room and I thought told me to take my top off and lay face down. I did as instructed and a few minutes later Scarlett came in to the room.

"What are you doing?"
"I thought the nurse told me to lay down"
"Uh... no. You'll be sitting up for this."

My face warmed in embarrassment to match my personal area.

As the doctor iodined up my back and searched for the spot to thrust a needle in to my spine she explained what I should expect.

"Well, you're young and skinny, so I don't expect any complications"

In my pumped-full-of-drugs-raging-headache'd brain I thought that this was the perfect time for a joke. In my mind I decided to say, "Look, you're a beautiful lady and I can see where this is going. I'm flattered. Really, I am. But don't you think we should fix me before we talk about this?"

What actually came out was a little closer to, "I... think.... you're just... being nice... because you're... about to stick me"

It also either came out so quiet that she didn't hear me, or she chose to ignore me. It's probably for the best.

Nerd Word(s): I'm flattered

2011-10-16T19:44:00.001-07:00

I'm flattered
- Response

1. A negative response to a statement that was clearly not intended as a compliment or come on

[ Origin: I don't actually remember when I started saying this ]

- usage
1. "You like the Phoenix Suns? I like them too!"
"Look... I can see where this is going. And I'm flattered. I really am. But you? Me? I think we can both agree that it just wouldn't work out baby. But I promise you there's someone out there for you"

DJ Jazzy Jesse: Part 2

2011-09-29T11:18:00.000-07:00

One of the first posts I ever wrote was about how I share my name with a DJ in Oregon, and occasionally get his emails. I hadn't gotten one in a long time, so when one from "Nicole" arrived, I decided to reply.

Hi Nicole!

First of all, congratulations on your wedding. What a truly magical time in your life, and I appreciate you sharing the schedule with me. I just broke up with my girlfriend, so I feel like you're rubbing it in a little. I'm going to let that slide because I know it's been a busy time for you, and keeping up with what's going on in my life probably hasn't been your number one concern. (Side note, are any of your bridesmaids in to short nerds? I'm just saying, you could do me a solid )

Secondly, I'm not sure how I feel about playing "Big Green Tractor". Be honest with yourself, is that really a wedding song? How would you feel about throwing out the whole mix and just going with Journey's greatest hits? I'm an expert in these kinds of things, and I guarantee that by the time "Faithfully" hits, there will be so many people crying that you could get Kleenex to sponsor this wedding. You'll think you were at an onion cutting convention. People will talk about it for years to come. Everyone loves Journey Nicole. Everyone.

Also, you won't have to waste time burning copies of those wedding CD's that everyone hands out these days, but nobody listens to. You can just hand them a copy from the store. Guests will appreciate that extra level of effort and class.

Third, what are you guys serving? I hope it's crab cakes. I love crab cakes.

In closing, I believe you've reached the wrong Jesse Bearden. I'm a software engineer from Phoenix, and the only DJing I do is DJ Hero on the Xbox. Not to brag, but I once got 300,000 points on "Intergalatic", so maybe you should have me do it. Do you really want some schmuck running your dollar dance who couldn't even break 200k? You ask that guy for his high scores. Anything under 250 is bush league and you deserve better. Remember, it's your day Nicole.

If you wouldn't mind, could you tell me which email you were trying to reach? I get emails about weddings somewhat regularly and I'd like to be able to forward them on the the right place.

Jesse

P.S. I'm serious about those Bridesmaids. Anyone cute and in to nerds?

P.P.S All jokes aside, here's a link to that Journey album. If you don't already have a copy, let me know and I'll send you one as a wedding present.

The Pizza and Taco Diet: Sean Gets Skinny

2010-09-20T20:15:00.002-07:00

Sean and I used to constantly make jokes about each other's weight. I'm not even sure where it started because we were both only about ten pounds overweight, but we still teased each other unmercifully. It was just our thing.

"Oh. A second donut, eh fat ass?" I'd ask, as I passed him on the way to the office kitchen, secretly hoping he hadn't taken the last one.

"Would you like the eight or the twelve piece?" the Chick-Fil-A worker would ask.
"Oh, I'll take the twelve"
"Yeah, look at him. He's only ordering the twelve because you don't have a twenty piece."

"Do you guys want to walk to lunch or drive?"
"Well, I'm down to walk, but I doubt Size Large over there has the stamina to walk half a mile unless there's a park bench between here and there."

In August Sean decided that enough was enough. His kids were getting to the age that he was chasing them all over the place, and he took this as a sign that it was time to get in to shape. He wanted me to join him in his quest to get thin, but two things stopped me. First, I truly believed that losing ten pounds would just result in putting back fifteen once I stopped. Second, I was coupled and happy. If Rachael accepted me chubby, why bother getting skinny?

The thing about Sean is, when he starts something, he doesn't start small. He researches. He focuses. He dedicates himself. Normally this dedication lasts about a week until something new and shiny has come along, but if the Liang Prank taught us anything, it's that when he really sinks his teeth in to something, he doesn't screw around. Within a week he had a diet web page set up with the following mission statement:

I want to be skinny enough that I can call Jesse Bearden a fat ass without him being able to respond.

Good luck with that tubby, I thought as he droned on about calories and shoe-less jogging in the office.

To my surprise, three months later Sean had dropped twenty five pounds and seemed to be keeping it off. Even more surprising, he wasn't spending every waking moment rubbing it in my face like I would have done were the roles reversed. Of course by that time I was no longer coupled, and feeling less than emotionally fantastic.

When I get down emotionally, stage one is wallowing in it. This is followed shortly by stage two which is, "As long as you're going to be worthless, you might as well work on you." With that in mind, I soon joined Sean's diet crusade...

Nerd Word(s): For Twenty/For Thirty

2010-08-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

For Twenty/For Thirty
- Value Reference

1. A way of putting a value in to perspective by age.

[ Origin: As I've hit my early 30's, I've often found it necessary to qualify my evaluations of people ]

- examples
1. Last December I was tipping the scales at a lifetime high of 165-170, which isn't too bad for being 33, but had I been 20 I'd have been fat.

- usage
1. "That girl was super cute."
"I don't know, she was kind of older."
"She was totally a seven for thirty-five."

2. "He's put on some weight. I think he's a little chubby."
"For twenty maybe. He's fine for thirty."

Sesquipedalis 2.0

2010-07-13T13:46:00.000-07:00

I fully intended to be "done" with the new blog layout and everything by this time, but I realized something: Writing regularly is hard.

There are still a few things left that I need to fix, but for the most things "work" now, and I'll continue to fix them up as I try to get back in the habit of writing. You'll notice a few tabs at the top of the page. Hopefully those will be living documents that I update and perfect as I go. There are a few more coming that aren't quite done yet, but I am working on them.

Please let me know if you find something that isn't working, or if I've totally screwed something up.

The biggest change is to the commenting system. It may seem a bit unnecessary and overwhelming at first, but I was really getting tired of trying to keep spam off of the Shaq post, and I went looking for something new. Definitely let me know if you have issues with it, and if you completely hate the new comment system and don't want to use it, you can always email me at sesquipedalis@gmail.com.

- Jesse

Under Construction

2010-06-24T23:16:00.001-07:00

So, I've been meaning to change a few things on the layout of the blog. I'm going to spend the next week, or two weeks, or year fixing it up. Hopefully I won't break anything in the meantime, but you'll be seeing some changes for a while. I'll post when I'm done, and maybe talk a little about what's happening.

I should note that the commenting section is being worked on as well. Right now, if you leave a comment, there's a chance it'll disappear, so if you've got something important to say, hit me up at my email.

Sesquipedalis@gmail.com

Nerd Word(s): Don't Take My Shoelaces Away

2010-06-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

Don't Take My Shoelaces Away
- Statement

1. "I'm fine"

[ Origin: I believe that when prisoners or mental health patients are suspected of being suicidal, their shoelaces are taken away, or they are given shoes without them for fear of strangulation by shoelace. ]

- usage
1. "Man, when Ron Artest got that rebound and put back, that had to be one of the worst moments as a Suns fan. Are you going to be okay?"
"So long as Steve Nash is a Sun, you don't have to take my shoelaces away."

2. "There's a rumor that Miyamoto won't be directing the next Zelda game."
"You don't have to take my shoelaces away until we at least see how it turns out."

Good Mourning Rachael: Part 3

2010-06-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

After a few months of being together, things got a little bumpy. While I tend to lead a carefree and easy life, Rachael was working six days a week, and putting in a lot of effort to make sure all the ends met up at the end of the month. On top of that, she was now putting up with my dumb ass eight or more hours a day. All of this added up to one stressed out monkey who had been uncharacteristically unhappy. For me this was just a hurdle that we'd get over together and continue on our way. After all, her problems were now my problems, and if there's one thing I can do in this world it's problem solve. I saw it all as a speed bump on our road to forever. Unfortunately, as I often do, I underestimated what was really going on.

I did my best to assist with the small things. I tried to help with the laundry, and when she refused, I went and found a laundry service. I sent flowers to her work, and when she accidentally spilled wine on her carpet, I rushed out to find an appropriate cleaner. It wasn't much, but she was a tough person to take care of. I'd screwed up before in my life by not putting enough effort in. This time, I wasn't letting that happen.

One day Rachael left on a trip to visit her sister in Chicago. There had been a little emotional distance between us, and I hoped that the physical distance would make her miss me and maybe bring back the good times. I also thought that a little time away from every day life would do her some good. I dropped Rachael off at the airport. What I didn't realize at the time was that I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend Rachael. The girl who came back was just my friend.

Stress and responsibilities had overwhelmed the girl that I cared so much for, and in the end something had to give. In this case, I was that something.

And just like that, the girl who this very blog brought to my door and I were no longer a couple. While the story of how we met was, in my opinion, quite remarkable, the story of how we parted was typical in most regards. There were a few attempts at reconciliation, a few distraught late night calls, and a few sappy emails. In the end though it wasn't enough, and one day she was just gone.

Were you expecting a better ending? Sorry about that. The extra U in the title wasn't because I was feeling particularly British or anything.

When you write a blog that's basically a sitcom representation of your life, you tend to leave the bad things out and therefore some stories never get their proper ending. The truth is that sometimes Ross and Rachel just don't end up together. But that doesn't mean it's the end of the world.

For me, this blog is a lot about perspective. My people, the nerds, tend to be an overly emotional and sad lot. That's a little bit of self fulfilling prophecy. It's probably easy to see this as a sad tale of the nerd who didn't get the girl, but you'll notice that a solid two thirds(Or more) of the story are about how much I truly cared for her(And still do). I've spent my whole life wanting to spend a decent portion of it alone, so to enjoy someone's company that much was honestly groundbreaking for me. While the story itself doesn't have a perfect ending, there are really a lot of positives to take away.

So, hopefully I didn't bum anyone out. I've already had two people tell me this story was utterly depressing, and I hadn't even gotten to the bad part yet. Don't worry about me, I don't write about things until I'm cool with them. There's no need to take my shoelaces away.

Good Mourning Rachael: Part 2

2010-06-11T01:43:00.000-07:00

Despite my first failed attempt at romance, two weeks later Rachael and I were inseparable. Every morning was a struggle on my part to get her off to work, followed by a day of exchanged emails and texts. The day was broken up with lunch, and the afternoon of work was just a break in the action before some night time event. It didn't really matter if it was Sushi and a night out or curling up on the couch to catch up on True Blood, a show I didn't even like. So long as Rachael was there, it was the perfect evening.

For the first time in my life, I wanted to hold hands. I wanted to skip through the park and have picnics. I was completely cheesy and I couldn't have cared less. When Rachael wasn't around, I missed her like a fat kid on The Biggest Loser misses cake. I talked about her to the point that people told me to knock it off. Even I knew it was annoying, but I couldn't help it.

I was that guy. I was in love.

To the outside world, the relationship was probably completely nonsensical. There were times that a look was enough to induce pants-wetting laughter. We practically spoke our own language, and rarely discussed anything serious. We didn't have time for that. We were too busy cracking each other up and joking around.

One morning the alarm went off. Rachael had to be up three hours before I did, but I always made an effort to get her up and going. I am a morning person. She is not. Rachael is not a morning person like I am not a Lakers fan.

The alarm went off, and as I reached to silence it, I was mauled by the tiny girl to my side with a cry of, "I missed you!"

It was a silly moment the likes of which you'd see in Rachel McAdams movie. The girl proclaims to have missed the guy while she was sleeping in the same bed. Normally I'd have been the first to call bullshit, but truth be told, I kind of missed her too.

That day I realized that this was it. This was how I wanted to wake up every day for the rest of my life. We had only known each other a few months, and I knew it was far too early to become so emotionally invested, but I didn't care. I was all in.

Nerd Word(s): White Picket Fence Syndrome

2010-06-06T21:45:00.000-07:00

White Picket Fence Syndrome
- Affliction

1. An overconfidence in life/fate.

[ Origin: In my teenage years, I seemed to be the confidant to many members of the opposite sex. Despite being straight, I was essentially their gay boyfriend. A number of people, especially women in their youth, think that life's journey will be a complete storybook, without bumps along the way. ]

- usage
1. "She wants to date for two years, then get engaged. The honeymoon is going to be in Hawaii. Then we get married, and move out to the suburbs by her parents. She wants to have two kids, and she already has their names picked out."

"Man, sounds like a weird second date. Total White Picket Fence Syndrome."

Good Mourning Rachael: Part 1

2010-06-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

If I'm guilty of one sin throughout the writing of this blog, it's most definitely of not finishing a story. Now now, I know what you're thinking. "One sin? You also suck at spelling, grammar, character development and..." Yeah yeah, I get it, but just roll with me here. The problem is that hope and newness is easy to write. Disappointment is just, well, sad. Still, it seems that if this blog is to be the narrative of my life(Or some representation of it), then I could serve it well by finishing a story.

If you need to catch up on the first part of this story, you can do so by clicking here and reading from the bottom up.

I was pretty excited after meeting Rachael. I don't think I've ever had such a good first impression in my life. It felt like I had just met my best friend again for the first time. She was smart, funny, personable, and everything just seemed to "click" in a way that hasn't happened since I was too ignorant to realize that there was something other than "clicking". Oh yeah, she was also breathtakingly gorgeous. My worry, as always, was that I had said something stupid or scared her off.

Should I call and ask her to lunch again? Should I play it cool? Will that come across as needy? Should I be aggressive?

I was shocked two days later when the phone rang and it was Rachael, asking me to lunch again. Another hour long meal passed in the blink of an eye, proving that the first meeting wasn't just a random aligning of the stars. We parted ways, but this time my fears were put to rest. One time might be lucky, but twice in a row was something right?

The meals and good times continued on for a couple of weeks, and despite the fact that she was one of the most amazing women I'd ever met, I was steadfast in my romantic stance. I was not getting a crush on a girl who was so ridiculously out of my league.

Spurred on by either my frequent disappearances around noon, or the new ear to ear grin that was permanently plastered to my face, Sean decided to question me as to what was really going on.

"So... are you interested? Are you going to make a move or what?"
"I don't know. You know how when you first meet a crazy cute girl, and there's all this sexual energy you hold back?"

"Sure, I guess"

"Well, it's nothing like that. I mean... I'm attracted to her, but that's so secondary. I just really want to spend all of my time with her. When she's around, we're constantly laughing and... I don't know. It sounds cheesy, but just happy."

"That's not the girl you date bro," he said, pausing for dramatic effect. "That's the one you marry."

And that's when it sort of hit me.

Long time readers may find this hard to believe, but I had never been dumped in my life. In fact, every romantic relationship in my life had ended for the exact same reason: I just always enjoyed my personal space too much. I'm fond of saying, "I don't know how guys cheat on a woman. Who needs 2? I only want a girlfriend 3 days a week. I need a time share woman."

But it wasn't that way with Rachael. Every meeting left me hungry for the next, and every joke made me laugh a little more. She was like Zpizza. I never got tired of her.

Finally I decided I had to make a move. I didn't want her so much as I just always wanted her around. The medium hotness rule was thrown out, and one night as we lay next to each other discussing something silly I decided it was time.

A million things raced through my mind. What should I say? What should I do?

What didn't race through my mind was the fact that we were laying in complete darkness, and since I have yet to develop super power night vision or obtain retinal implants from a secret government experiment, I couldn't see a thing. I had never been more nervous in my life as I leaned slowly over, inching closer and closer.

I puckered up, and landed squarely... on the nose.

Shit

In a feeling that would soon become common for me with Rachael, nervousness quickly turned to embarrassment. She would respond with what would become the cornerstone of our relationship. She doubled over in laughter.

Nerd Word(s): Medium Hotness Girl

2010-05-31T00:16:00.000-07:00

Medium Hotness Girl
- Noun

1. A girl who is a great catch, but not completely out of your league.

[ Origin: After years and years of dating and being surrounded by ridiculously beautiful women, I announced to Sean one day that I was just looking for someone who wasn't out of my league. ]

- usage
1. "You should meet my sister, she's single"
"Your sister? I've seen her on facebook. She's not medium hotness, she's a ten. Pass"

- see also
1 to 10

Nerd Word(s): Pardon

2010-05-16T21:43:00.002-07:00

Pardon
- Interjection

1. Excuse me

[ Origin: A few years ago my coworker Marloue and I got sent to Vancouver for work. The Canadians didn't have much of an access, but there were two points that stood out. First, they said the word "Process", "Pro Sess". Second, instead of "Excuse Me" they always used the word "Pardon". Marloue and I decided to bring the word back from America's Hat as a souvenir. ]

Jesse Gets Jumped

2010-05-16T20:33:00.000-07:00

I've been sick for the better part of two months now. First it was the ear infection from hell. That was followed shortly by a sinus infection. There's a solid chance that I'm dying, so if you're from that Make-A-Wish foundation please send a scantily clad, short, nerdy girl over to my house as soon as possible. Bonus points if she's in to short nerds, or gets a discount at zPizza.

One day the ear was so bad that I took the morning off from work and just slept in. I awoke at noon to find the phone all abuzz with work emails detailing various problems, and finally decided to haul my sorry ass in. The thing with being a software engineer is that when you're not around, it's all your fault. Everything. Even in my weakened state, I wasn't going to stand for that, so I cleaned myself up, threw on a fresh set of clothes, and headed in to the office, prepared to kick some nerd ass.

As I rounded the last stairwell in the parking garage I heard a voice.

"Excuse me... um... excuse me?"

I hadn't seen anyone in the garage, so the voice took me by surprise. I searched around and eventually found a head hanging over from the floor above. This head happened to belong to a particularly cute girl and it was staring back at me.

"Um... could you jump me?"

Holy crap, am I still sleeping? Did I accidentally walk on to the set of a porno?

I considered taking my pants off and doing my sexy time dance, but instead opted for something less.

"Pardon?"

Normally I'd have put two and two together, but my brain still wasn't functioning yet. I stared back at her questioningly.

"My car... the battery is dead. I think I left dome light on."

Oh... of course...

Minutes later I'd be helping her with her car and trying to awkwardly make small talk. It wasn't my usual D+ game, but I was sick so I'm giving myself a pass. Later in the month I would find out that the girl actually lives on my floor a few doors down.

While I haven't talked to the girl since, I like to think that we're just taking it slow. At our current pace, I fully expect to tell this story at our wedding in 2054. Save the date cards coming soon!

Nerd Word(s): Literally

2010-04-19T15:39:00.002-07:00

Literally
- Adverb

1. Often misused on purpose as a means of mocking a person who overuses the word, or uses it incorrectly.

[ Origin: For some reason, the incorrect usage of literally has always rubbed me the wrong way like a stripper at a club in the bad part of town. ]

- see also
1. Figuratively
2. Totally

- examples
1. "I literally drank so much that I should have died."
"Literally?"
"Yeah, literally"
2. "He's literally the greatest basketball player in the world"
"Your cousin Tommy?"
3. http://evohno.blogspot.com/2010/04/lets-never-go-back.html

That Must Have Hurt

2010-04-19T15:35:00.011-07:00

I started off writing this story in the comment section of Extensive Vamping as a response to this post. In the end I figured it was decent enough to post here. Enjoy.

One day my friend Rose and I were walking in to Pei Wei when a guy and girl walked out. He had on one of those button up shirts on with the big collar, which was basically the Ed Hardy first date shirt of 2001 for frat boys across the globe.

It was obviously early in the relationship because despite looking like a total ass, the guy held the door open for her and actually seemed interested in the conversation, despite the fact that "I just want to get laid" was written all over his act.

As he walked by he said to his date in that triumphant end-of-my-story-you-should-laugh-now kind of way, "and it was so good that I literally ate my ass off."

At that point Rose and I both turned to look and see if his ass was still there. Thankfully it was.

Then we both literally laughed out loud.

Are You Coming or Going? (A note from the author)

2010-04-15T18:47:00.000-07:00

I originally wrote this on December 2nd. I didn't publish it though because I still had some hope of getting my mojo back, and it seemed a little too self serving. Tonight I went back to take a look through my half finished posts to see if anything sparked my interest and found this post.

I realize it's been quite some time since I've written here. The truth is that there's a very specific emotional state that I need to be in to write what I call, "A Sesquipedalis Story", and that state and I just haven't been able to find each other lately.

I was telling someone about my blog tonight and getting a little excited when I realized it's not really fair to call myself a blogger if I don't, you know, actually blog. The problem lately is that I feel like I've said everything I could possibly ever have to say, and then some. I'm just really a quiet guy who's not all that opinionated. This isn't a case of writer's block, it's just the repetitive nature of life.

I said something absolutely idiotic to a girl in the lobby yesterday. I was excited to have a small story to blog about until I sat down to write it and realized, "Been there, done that."

I'm still around, and I plan on blogging again sometime in the near future. I've been kicking around the idea of taking the blog in an entirely new direction, or starting a different one. I'm not really sure though. If you have any suggestions, feel free to let me know.

While I'm gone, I hope everyone is well.

Jesse

Still With the Elevator

2010-02-09T14:15:00.007-07:00

I never really planned to have an entire section of my blog devoted to elevator stories, yet here we are again. I guess the thing about it is, elevators are awkward no matter what. When sharing a ride your choices come down to forced social interaction, forced social avoidance, or playing with your phone and pretending to text/check email/avoid eye contact. I normally go for choice number three, but sometimes the elevator has plans of its own.

I woke up late today, and found myself rushing through the morning routine. There isn't really a late per se at my job, but I was intending to leave at a reasonable hour, and as such I really should have been in earlier than I was.

I got to the building around nine and grabbed the elevator that was open. It's a simple procedure that I've managed to perform correctly for the past five years, but today when I pressed the button labeled "15", the elevator did something different.

It didn't move

I waited a moment, but nothing. A quick step out and glance at the other elevators gave no clue as to how to solve my predicament. I decided that before going to talk to someone I should give the elevator one last try.

The "Door Close" button was feeling my frustration when the elevator finally relented and the doors began to close. At the same time I looked up to see a woman who resembled a thirty-something year old Kim Kardashian trying to get on.

I caught the door just in time. She thanked me, and in turn I explained why I had been so focused on the button panel.

"The door wouldn't close for the last three minutes. I guess it just wanted to wait for you."

I was fairly pleased with myself for making what seemed to me, an appropriate comment that was at least slightly amusing.

Kim apparently didn't share my amusement. She looked at me as if I had just asked her for her sign in some Scottsdale bar and dryly said, "Charming"

Jesse gets Zugged

2010-01-19T09:43:00.003-07:00

A few months ago I was reading an article at www.zug.com about the best office pranks ever. I'm a big fan of the site, and the creator John Hargrave, but with all due respect I felt we had done it better. I left a comment on the entry with a link back to our prank, and left it at that.

Soon after I got an email from John asking me to rewrite the story so he could host it on Zug. I double checked with Sean since it was, after all, his prank, and then agreed.

Unfortunately life got a little busy, and I never got around to writing the article. John emailed me again after the holidays, and I finally got off my ass and wrote it. It's now one of the featured articles on the site.

http://www.zug.com/live/83619/shr5/The-Office-Prank-My-CoWorker-Will-Never-Forget

Enjoy!

The Valentine's Day Wrap Up Part 1:J.R. Wins

2010-01-18T20:38:00.001-07:00

I realize it's been an exceptionally long time since I last "blogged". I had a whole post written out explaining why, but then I realized, nobody cares. I've decided to kick off my (semi)return to blogging with a few stories that have been sitting in the vault for a while.

This particular story is probably one of the bigger ones of my life, but then 5 days later I met Shaq at a diner, and that story sort of occupied my time for a while.

Back in February I ran a contest to send flowers out on Valentine's day. The Valentine's day contest has become a bit of a tradition around here, but last year I took it to a whole new level sending all manner of prizes and gifts. Despite the fact that there were numerous entries deserving of flowers, and despite the fact that no inmate received flowers, I still feel like J.R. was really the winner. He took upon himself to not only enter the contest and provide insightful comments on the other entries, he also did a little work of his own.

Friday was the day before Valentine's, but most of the "prizes" were scheduled to arrive that day. Only for the "big winner" did I actually pay the extra ten bucks for Saturday delivery. As I strolled in to work, I was mentally making notes of what was going where, and double checking to make sure I hadn't missed something. For 2009 it wasn't just a contest, it was an operation.

I entered my office and became the envy of every extremely myopic drunken 22 year old female. I had received flowers from the Baller himself.

J.R. didn't just send me flowers for Valentine's. He took it one step further and included the following, heartfelt poem:

Bitches Ain't Shit,
But Tricks And Hoes.
Maybe It's Time You Give Up
On Girls, And Switch to Bros.
Have A Bro-Mantic
Valentine's Day!
Baller

By noon things were on trucks and "out for delivery". All told there were 3 sets of flowers, 5 gift boxes from The Popcorn Factory, and one set of two dozen long stemmed Roses.

I hate sitting around to see how a plan unfolds, and since I had no particular Valentine of my own, when Kendall, my 6'1 modelesque friend, invited me to L.A. to hang out for the weekend I took the rest of the day off work and headed home to pack. As I walked in to my building I ran in to Agnes, my ninety-two year old building crush.

"So, any Valentine's day weekend plans for you?" I asked.
"Valentine's? Love?" she looked at me like I was crazy, "I'm too old for that stuff."

I reached the eleventh floor, and minutes later I had a weekend's worth of clothes packed in to a travel suitcase. I was about to leave when I spotted J.R.'s flowers. I didn't think they'd do much good in my place since I'd be in L.A., so I took them with me.

As I walked out of the Landmark I handed them to the guy working the front desk.

"Could you give these to Agnes for me?"
"And who should I say they're from?"
"Oh. Just tell her they're from a secret admirer."

On Being Witty

2009-12-31T17:15:00.002-07:00

I was in a mad rush to finish up my Christmas shopping last Monday. Every year, mid-November I think, "I'll just buy a few things for the family and call it done" and every year, by December 20th, I've gotten gifts for tons of people, and spent way too much money. The thing is that I get an idea in my head, and then it's a mini-project that I have to finish.

I was still missing a few items, but I had a moment to stop in to Best Buy and pick them up. It was probably my fourth trip in as many days. At Best Buy, there is one long line, and when you get to the front, the next available person takes you. I approached the front of the line, items in hand and gave the various lines the once over.

There was the kid who's so weird, standing next to him would make me Steve Urkel look like George Clooney. I remember once reading that the key to women was to always hang with a friend who is uglier than you are. I considered asking him if he'd like to go to a Christmas party, or just hang sometime. He'd be my ringer.

Next to him was overly enthusiastic girl. She seems nice, but I can only be asked so many times if I found everything okay. Come on lady, you know me. I practically have your website memorized. My visits to Best Buy are more regular than a 26 year who eats well and takes Metamucil.

Next to her... Next to her was the cute short girl who I find intimidating despite the fact that she can't possibly be taller than 4'11 and is probably no older than 25. She'd been my cashier at least twice before, and somehow it was always very friendly, but not to the point of being weird. For me, a conversation with a stranger that isn't a complete train wreck comes around about as often as the Cardinals going to the Superbowl, but somehow it always manages to happen with her.

Naturally her line opened up first. I dumped my arm full of items on to the counter and began awkwardly digging through my pants for my "rewards card". As I did we discussed our holidays, the shopping, and how things had been. As she scanned the last item she said with a surprise, "Oh. It says here you get a 10 dollar gift card."

30 seconds later I would realize that a fun reply would be, "Oh. Wow... Um... How embarrassing. I didn't get you anything."

Unfortunately for me, I didn't wait 30 seconds to reply, I waited 2. What came out was closer to, "Oh. Um... Cool?"

After I left, I went straight home and mailed Santa a new letter with a brief description of the girl and a request for one, "Ability to think on my feet". While either of those items would have been fantastic, Santa instead brought me a new pair of jeans. I'm sure those will work out just as well.

Now Accepting Applications

2009-11-05T22:50:00.007-07:00

One of my personal rules is to not blog about video games if possible. It just doesn't seem that the general population would have any clue what I'm talking about, but I think this is a special occasion. This isn't just any video game.

Grab your biggest red marker and throw a circle around next Sunday on your calendar. On November 15th, 2009, it is on. If you're someone who has bladder control issues I suggest you go grab a spare pair of chonies right now because the news I'm about to drop on you is pee-your-pants exciting.

That's right, New Super Mario Wii comes out next Sunday.

So what's the big deal you ask? "New Super Mario" is a new line of Mario games designed in the image of the original Mario game(s). You know, the one from your childhood(Assuming your childhood encompassed 1986). There's a run button, a jump button, and not much else. This is the closest you can get to reliving your past without a Delorean, a crazy doctor, and one point twenty one jiggowatts of power. In this iteration of the beloved series, creator Miyamoto is giving the game multiplayer action: Four nerds simultaneously galumphing Gombas, kicking Koopas, bouncing off Bob-ombs and hating on Hammer Bros.

For that reason I've decided to open the floor and accept applications for my Mario Team. I'm currently looking for 3 people skilled in the arts of Bowser bashing and Peach protecting to form one Mario super group(pun intended). Please see the following job posting. If you feel you are qualified for the position, please respond in the comments, or send your resume and cover letter to Sesquipedalis.

Sesquipedalis is currently seeking a highly motivated individual well versed in the workings of the Mushroom Kingdom. The ideal candidate will be familiar with traversing pipes and navigating treacherous castles. Must enjoy mushrooms and have an ability to rise to the occasion. Calloused thumbs, strong jumping skills, knowledge of botany, and a desire to play with fire all considered a plus.

Please indicate the following in your submission:
1) What is your favorite Mario game?
2) How many Mario games have you personally played through?
3) Daisy or Peach?
4) If you were a Yoshi, what color would you be, and why?
5) What's your favorite Mario power up, and why?

Feel free to add any personal information that the recruiter should know to assist in ensuring the right candidate gets the job.

Spare Some Change?

2009-10-22T15:49:00.004-07:00

I handle change about as well as a fingerless bum with a hole in his cup, but lately it seems like I haven't had much choice in the matter. There have been changes with work, personal life and my friends.

The biggest change of all though has been in my status. No, not that status. I've been a brother and a son forever, but today, for the first time, I became an uncle. Let the Stamos/Dukes of Hazard jokes begin.

My sister Anna went through 26 hours of labor, but eventually Adrian relented and came out to meet the world.

What's the appropriate amount of time to wait before I start training him to help pick up on cute girls?

Congrats to Josh and Anna.

I promise to return to blogging some day soon. It's not that I haven't been writing, it just hasn't really been Sesquipedalis type material. Maybe A can be my new inspiration.

A Step In the Right Direction

2009-10-11T19:44:00.002-07:00

Crap, I need water.

This was supposed to be a rush trip to the grocery store, but it suddenly occurred to me that the basket I was holding in my right hand would be insufficient. I was out of bottled water.

Now now, before you start writing one of the following responses, hear me out.
1. Bottled water?!?! What about the earth? Plastic waste is responsible for blah blah blah. Al Gore said blah blah.
2. Bottled water?!?! You pay money for water, tool?

I had never paid for water until I moved in to the Landmark 3 years ago. It's a neat building, but it's also 40 years old and has very bad plumbing. If the faucet has been off for a while, then the water comes out with a rather orange tint that I learned the hard way doesn't have a matching orange flavor. I switched to a Brita filter and a few water bottles, but for guests I try to keep some bottled water stocked.

It had been a pretty crappy week in general which, in my small circle of friends, included: a break up, a break down, a sixty hour work week, a case of the swine flu, and an odd request from an old friend. Oh yeah... the company had also scheduled an all hands meeting for the day after our third quarter results were announced. It wasn't the Worst Week Ever, but were there a list, it probably would have made the top ten.

I had a few items in my basket and the karts are kept outside, so I stashed my groceries and hurried for the exit. As I came out, a woman who had just dislodged a kart from the group noticed me heading her way. Normally the sight of me moving hurriedly towards her is cause for a woman to reach for the pepper spray in her purse.

"You need one too?" She said with a surprising smile, "Here, take this one."

It was a pretty small gesture in the grand scheme of things, but in the moment it hit with an unexpected weight.

"Thank you"
"No problem"

Twenty minutes later I was on B2 of my building's parking garage. The trip from my parking spot to my apartment is a flight of stairs up to a door that unlocks with my building fob. The door leads to a long hallway that goes to the laundry mat and an elevator which requires the fob yet again. The elevator takes you to the eleventh floor. One more long hallway leads to my door. I was making the trip with two cases of water, a bunch of groceries and a backpack. Needless to say my hands were full.

I managed to get the keys out to open the first door, and down the hallway I could see an extremely cute building resident doing her laundry. The cute blond also spotted me from down the hallway and rushed out to get the elevator.

"You look like you've got your hands full" she said with a smile.

Cute and considerate? I think I'm in love.

Had I a ring on my person, it surely would have been hers. Instead I opted for a simple, "Thank You"

A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 6: The Thousandth Day

2009-10-03T17:02:00.001-07:00

Two weeks passed without a word from Rachael. I was already planning a formal apology to the whole family and a blog entry about how I had, "Scared off Mandi's sister" It had only taken me six months too!

Day 999(July 5th) -

The IM window popped up. Rachael explained that life had gotten crazy, and she had retreated from certain social aspects.

She needed her own special alone time? She's prefect!

Rachael and I spent a few hours IMing back and forth, and then another two hours on the phone. I felt like a 15 year old talking to his first girl on the phone. It was fun. It was funny. It was exciting. An enjoyment of phone conversation wasn't something that I had felt in a very very long time.

Up until this point in our relationship, everything had been very nice and cordial, but for whatever reason, the gloves had finally come off. The girl I knew as always being the polite sweet girl from Kansas threw me a few zingers. She made a few off color jokes. I went from being interested in meeting this Internet friend to being interested in Rachael.

We agreed to get everything out of the way and just meet for lunch the next day. There would be no backing out this time.

Day 1000(July 6th) -

The phone rang at my office at ten as if on cue. It was Rachael and she began rather slowly.

"Here's the thing..."
"You have got to be kidding me" I interrupted.
"I am. I just wanted to freak you out. And, I wanted to change the location"

An hour later I was waiting outside of Pei Wei. As the moments passed I grew more and more nervous.

What if I don't recognize her?
What if she thinks I'm weird?
What if....

Rachael hopped out of her car wearing the biggest smile I'd ever seen.

"You're not that short" she said as we approached each other.

It was at this moment that I realized I had no idea what was appropriate. Was this a hug situation? Was it a hand shake situation? Was it neither.

Before I had a chance to screw it up Rachael threw her arms around me and told me that it was great to finally meet me.

We took our seats, and before I knew it two hours had passed! I hadn't even finished eating because I was so entranced by the girl sitting across from me. One more hug, and we went our separate ways.

I wasn't completely sure if she had had as good a time as I had, but for my part I couldn't wait to see her again.

Stay tuned for the exciting epilogue, "2000 days in the making!" coming to Sesquipedalis 4/1/2012!

A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 5: Rachael Returns the Favor

2009-09-30T17:42:00.003-07:00

In April/May I was going through one of my special alone time phases. When I'm in one of these phases, the first thing to drop off the map is my ability to respond to emails. The inbox was piling up at a steady rate, and every glance at it prompted a begrudging thought of, "Wow. I really need to reply to some of these."

Day 939(May 6th, 2009) -

I was at home avoiding the world when the little mail icon popped up on my computer. It was a Facebook friend invite from Rachael, the girl I had been meaning to write back for the past 3 weeks. I accepted the invitation and opened up the chat window to apologize.

"I thought I had scared you off with my last email" she began.

Her? Scare me off? What had that email said?

I quickly switched back to my email and began reading.
Joke about me being silly.
Work talk
Blog talk
More jokes.
Invitation for coffee

Shit

I went about cleaning up my mess as well as I could by apologizing profusely and simultaneously trying not to sound like a complete tool. It probably wasn't working, but eventually we agreed that we should meet up sometime.

Unfortunately both of our schedules were busy, and we spent the next few weeks unable to agree on a date until our schedule's aligned and we decided to meet on June 2nd.

Day 965(June 1st) -

Rachael called to let me know that work had gotten extremely busy, and she just couldn't make it. We rescheduled for the following Monday(The 8th).

Day 968(June 4th) -

Rachael called again to let me know that she had book club on Monday, and needed to reschedule for Tuesday(The 9th).

I got ditched for books?

Day 973(June 9th) -

Rachael and I had spent the past week with a flurry of emails, but the day had finally come. By this time I was really excited to meet my new virtual friend. I had gotten to know her over email and blogs, and the idea of meeting her in person was a little intimidating.

As our six o'clock meet up time grew closer, I started to get nervous. Sean was the only person at work that I had told, and he was taking this opportunity to turn my seed of doubt in to a full blown issue.

"Man. What if you fart or say something stupid? You'd better not screw this up. That girl is way out of your league."
"It's not like that. It's just friendly."
"She's too good for that too."

At 4 I got an email with a huge apology explaining that Arlene, a coworker of Rachael's had fallen and been injured. We would have to reschedule again.

Rachael and I had a few more emails, but they soon faded and I stopped hearing from her. I had assumed that something had "Red Flagged" me and that she had decided to get rid of me in a polite manner.

Day 987(June 23rd) -

I sent one last email in an attempt to make sure everything was okay. I had made a joke about being an e-stalker in my last email, and felt like a total creepo.

Had I scared her away?

Nerd Word(s): Special Alone Time

2009-09-27T22:58:00.005-07:00

Special Alone Time
- Noun

1. My semi-annual need for a lot of alone time.

[ Origin: A few times a year I become a hermit and shun the outside world. Erik has been known to refer to this as my "Special Alone Time" ]

- examples
1. December '08
2. October '07
3. Summer '04

Nerd Rule(s): Female Naming Conventions

2009-09-10T23:58:00.009-07:00

When discussing any female, whether there is a possibility of romance or not, she should be referred to by a geographical location until such a time that her real name is suitable, or an alternative nickname has been set in place and is agreed upon by all parties.

[ Origin: My good friend Adam is currently living in Germany. Through the miracles of modern technology(Instant Messaging), we've been able to keep in touch and talk on a near daily basis. One popular topic is women, and due to my bad memory, it was necessary to develop an alternative naming scheme that was easy to remember. ]

- examples
1. Ana - Chile
2. Jo - Chicago
3. Ruth - Ohio
4. Mandi - Montana
5. Rachael - Kansas

A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 4: Jesse Delivers the Triple No No

2009-09-10T23:46:00.010-07:00

I know, I know. I'm a bit behind on all this. No excuses, I've been busy. We're finally getting to the meat of the story though. If you've followed the blog for a while we're introducing a new Rachael in this story. Fortunately, she spells it differently than the "other" Rachel.

Also, I should point out that I took the link to her blog out because it's now private. And before you ask, yes it's because she didn't want you reading it(Kidding).

Day 828(January 16th, 2009) -

My phone buzzed around lunchtime to let me know that I had an email. Oddly enough it wasn't work related, or even a personal message. It was an email to my Sesquipedalis account. Before the Shaq piece, that account got about as much email as Isaiah Washington gets gay fan mail. Even more odd was that it was from a girl, identified in the From field of the message as Rachael.

Hi there,
I found your blog in a round about way through my sister Mandi's. She convinced me to start one at Christmas and I did. Not sure that it is so fabulous, but it entertains her and my mom so I guess it serves a purpose. Anyways, I thought yours was pretty funny. When I have some time I will read more of it. If you're interested mine is removed. I live in Phoenix too oddly enough. Happy blogging :) Rachael

I immediately went and spent some time reading through her blog. One of the first entries I came across pertained to her penchant for giving pet names to the peeps in her life. Oddly enough, the first comment her sister Mandi ever made was about my tendency to do the same. I was pretty amused by the whole thing, and since it had relatively few entries at the time, I breezed through it.

In the upper right hand corner of the blog was a picture of Rachael. I throw words like "Cute" and "Pretty" around on this blog like Steve Nash dishing assists, but I find them insufficient in regards to describing this girl. She was gorgeous. And for my part I was having none of it.

I once wrote that after the twins, I was tired of pretty people. You need to be a 6 or less to hang out with me, and Rachael had missed the cut by about 4 points. I sent her a very polite response and thanked her for reading, but when I received a response the following Monday, I just let it go. In my mind, no girl that attractive was out on the Internet interested in talking to me. She probably didn't care if I wrote back or not.

Day 890(March 9th, 2009) -

I was surprised when Rachael left a comment on one of my blog entries, and even sent me an email to let me know how amused she was. I had assumed that her initial letter was just an attempt to gain more readers, or just a friendly hello. Even more surprising was that within 30 minutes of her leaving the comment Liang was in my office.

"Who's Rachael?"
"Huh? Uh... Ruth's sister? The twin? You've met h..."
"No... the one who left a comment on your blog. The super cute one in the beanie."

Leaving a comment on my blog had lead him back to hers.

"Oh... her. That's Mandi's sister."
"Who the hell's Mandi?"

An hour later I got an IM from J.R.
"Who the hell is this Rachael?"

I was doing my best to keep expectations low, but by the end of the day Rachael was the talk of the office. The common question became, "What are you going to do?"

My plan remained the same. I was going to do nothing.

"Have you seen that girl?" I'd ask, "I'm not taking my whiffle ball bat and trying to hit in the National League. I'm not doing anything."

Most of the nerds let it go fairly quickly. Most of the nerds except for Sean. Sean has been happily married for a while, which somehow gives him carte blanche to screw with the rest of us when it comes to women. Had he not metaphorically won the lottery by meeting his wife, he'd be just as spineless and lame as the rest of us, but since fate had dealt him a royal flush he took this opportunity to mess with me while we planned his annual St. Patty's day party.

"You should invite Kansas."
"Let me get this straight... Some girl who I only know because I know her sister, in fact, I don't really even know here sister, I should ask her to a party with a bunch of you dorks? Yeah, that won't be creepy. Pass."
"Do it. If you don't, I'll write a comment on her blog and ask her for you."
Fine

Day 892(March 11th, 2009) -

I sent Rachael a long email, and tried to casually work it in that she could come to our party.

Day 893(March 12th, 2009) -

Rachael sent me a long email and casually worked it in that my invitation to a party with a bunch of people she didn't know was sort of weird, and that she would not be attending.

Rachael and I continued to correspond for the next month. The letters were always quite lengthy and amusing, but eventually I decided that she was most likely just being nice. Pretty, funny, smart girls probably have better things to do with their time than email me. Right?

Day 926(April 14th, 2009) -

Rachael sent me a lengthy email that I had thought was quite typical. The email sat in my inbox for quite some time. I had intended to respond, but never got around to it. I would later find that I should have read the email more carefully...

NerdMory Word(s): My List

2009-08-20T21:11:00.000-07:00

My List
- Noun

1. The list of people(normally five) that you can have sex with and not be considered a cheater. The list is usually comprised of celebrities or famous people.

[ Origin: I think there was an episode of Friends about it, but the idea has been around forever. ]

- example
1. Shirley Manson
2. Felicia Day
3. Tina Fey
4. Rue Mcclanahan
5. Steve Nash

A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 3: Geremy Saves the Blog

2009-08-20T20:07:00.004-07:00

The second half of 2008 was a rough one for the blog. After two and a half years of writing, I had completely run out of ideas. I was repeating jokes and stories, and nothing felt new. I decided to branch out and try some different things. I wrote fiction stories based in reality, or posts with a comedic slant. Some of it worked, and some of it didn't, but after really trying for a few months, I was kind of tired of it. As the year drew to a close, it again felt like the blog was dying.

Day 823 (January 10th, 2009) -

The Cardinals were playing the Panthers in the second round of the playoffs, and the gang had decided to meet up at our typical watering hole to watch the game. The Cards doing well happens once, maybe twice in a lifetime, so we were all fairly excited. My sister even decided that Fitz was on her list. Her boyfriend Andrew decided that Fitz might be on his list too.

"A friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while is coming up to meet us", ~~Todd~~ Geremy said nonchalantley during the first quarter.

Either I hadn't been spending enough time with Geremy, or I was too enthralled with the game, but I didn't immediately question who this friend was. As the second quarter started, a girl who was far too pretty to be hanging out in our dive bar walked in the door. Geremy waived his hand to get her attention.

"There's Anna-Jeanne."

Of course.

I'm not sure why it surprised me, cute girls flock to Geremy like fat kids to a half off donut sale.

Anna-Jeanne took a seat between me and Geremy and did her best to keep up with the game. While Miranda was practicing writing "Mrs. Larry Fitzgerald" and everyone else was completely focused on the Cards, I was now sitting next to a cute girl, and slightly nervous. What made it worse was that she kept talking to me.

I attempted to calm my nerves and actually carry on a conversation. I explained a few things about the game and made a few jokes which she actually laughed at. This would have been a very normal night for me, had it included an introduction from Rod Serling, but it hadn't. And it was about to get weirder.

After one joke she laughed loudly before stopping and saying, "Wait, what was your name again?"
"Uh... Jesse?"
"OH. MY. GOD! You're the one with the blog, right? I remember reading a story about you hiking. You're hilarious!"

I honestly thought for a moment that maybe Geremy had hired her to come in and lift my spirits.

January 10th also happens to be my good friend Rose's birthday. There was a party at Heidi's house which I was already late too. I stalled for a little while longer, but I figured it was best that I leave before I had a chance to say anything stupid.

Rose's birthday party is a grand tradition. Even though Rose was in Iowa, Heidi wasn't about to let something as minor as 1700 miles spoil her day. The plan was a webcam based party with all of the Phoenix residents meeting at Heidi's.

Day 824 (January 11th, 2009) -

Miranda called me early in the morning to discuss the game, how awesome Fitzgerald is, and the previous night.

"I think that girl was in love with you. You shouldn't have left so early."
"Yeah. I thought maybe that was just all in my head, but she actually seemed to find me amusing."
"You blew it."

A Thousand Days in the MakingSupplementary Writings

2009-08-19T13:23:00.003-07:00

This is the story I told at my Grandmother, Dean Martin's funeral:

My Grandmother was a pretty great woman, but anyone who's here probably already knew that. She always wanted the best for her grandkids, and did a lot to look out for us. I'm sure if she was here right now she'd be straightening my tie, and licking her thumb and trying to get the little spiky part in the front of my hair to "lay down".

Grandma obviously influenced the three of us in a lot of ways, both directly and indirectly, and I'd like to share one story of how she changed who I am today. She made me promise that I'd never tell anyone this, but I think it's probably alright if I share this with everyone now.

When I was about 12 years old I decided that what I really needed was a computer. I also decided that I needed one by the time I went to High School. I saved almost every penny I could for 3 years, but as the summer before High School came, I still didn't have the money saved that the computer cost.

Most of my immediate family here knows that I did get that computer. What they don't know is where the rest of that money came from. One day when everyone else was out, my Grandmother pulled me aside, put her hand in mine and said:
"I don't really understand this computer thing you keep going on about, but it seems really important to you"

She pulled her hand away but left in my hand a substantial sum of money.

She then leaned in close and gave me that serious Dean Martin look to let me know she wasn't fooling around and she said, "Don't tell Leon."

In High School I took every computer class I could, and at night I spent my time learning all I could. I eventually went off to college to study Computer Science, and today I make my living as a computer programmer.

A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 2: Mary Saves the Blog

2009-08-05T20:36:00.002-07:00

Pop Quiz. Jesse has been absent from blogging because:
A) He was commissioned by the state of AZ to paint a mural in the courtroom of downtown Phoenix.
B) He's been sick.
C) His mathlete team advanced to the finals and he had to go on tour.
D) He's been busy with various peeps.
E) He's lazy.

No matter the answer, I apologize for the delay. This story is long enough as it is(Somewhere between 23 and 27 parts), and the last thing we need is a long break in the middle. So, back to blogging.

This part of the story hits a bit of a downturn, but I think it's important to fill in some of the gaps for anyone who's been reading for a while. It's important to note why the blog needed saving. Despite the language used here, no need to worry about me. Things only get written about once I'm okay with them.

My condo was one of the few in the building that wasn't remodeled, and as such I had moved in much earlier than anyone else. I'd spent months a bit worried that I'd end up with some pain-in-the-ass person next door and we'd fight forever. This wasn't like renting an apartment and having a bad neighbor. I was here indefinitely. For better or worse, this place was mine.

In early October, I could hear my new neighbors moving in next door. I really wanted, all day, to peek out and introduce myself, but I wasn't sure how awkward it would be, so I spent most of the day cleaning and running errands. On my final trip home for the day I would finally run in to the two girls who would end up changing my life forever.

The encounter was nothing more than a brief passing in the hall, but even then I knew it was something more. The next day I would sit down and write about it. At the time I even started a new series of blog entries called "Nerd Word(s)" in an attempt to help document and explain the stupid crap that comes out of my mouth.

Day 31 (November 10th, 2006) -

In one of the boldest moves of my life, I walked across the hall and knocked on the pink door of 11-L. I had hoped to invite Ruth and Rachel hiking with me, but I ended up with a lot more than a simple hiking trip.

An hour later I had been whisked away, and found myself on a balcony talking to Ruth, who I was immediately enamored with. While I joked that it was hard to tell them apart, it wasn't. Not really. Rachel was an instant best friend who could make me laugh or smile without effort, but when Ruth looked at me, my little nerd heart lept out of my chest.

The feeling never made sense to me. It couldn't be a physical attraction difference. They're identical, and Rachel was the twin that seemed best matched to me. She is the loud, crazy, obnoxiously funny one. I spent some time trying to figure out why I felt the way that I did about Ruth. I asked their friends what they thought the differences were between the two. I paid attention to the way they acted. I looked for anything that could be the cause of these feelings, but eventually I relented and just gave in to it.

It didn't matter if the connection made sense. It was there, and it was obvious to me.

When I was sad, she was there with a hug.
When she was cold, I was already taking off my hoodie and putting it on her.
When I needed reassurance in a social situation, her hand would slide towards mine under the table.
When she was hungry, I was already making dinner.

There was no need to verbalize a want, it was already done. The connection was so strong for me that for the first time in my life I was confident with a woman. I didn't need to rush anything with her. It all seemed so inevitable. That confidence would prove to be my undoing.

Day 45 (November 24th, 2006) -

My Grandmother passed away on her 88th birthday, which also happened to be the day after Thanksgiving. She had long been fighting dementia, so her passing was a bittersweet ending to an exceptional life. My mother spent the week making the arrangements for her mother's funeral, and I told her that I wanted to say something. Public speaking ranks as one of the last things that I ever care to do, but in this case, I had a story to share.

Ruth's boyfriend was in town for Thanksgiving, and they spent a good portion of the week arguing and fighting. It was a relationship they both seemed to know was over, but neither had yet verbalized it. His trip seemed, in my eyes, a goodbye (for both).

Day 54 (December 3rd, 2006) -

I found myself in Arkansas for the funeral. We visited with relatives, and stopped by Grandma's school. She had been the principal for her small town for many years, and when they built a new elementary school, it was named after her (Dean Martin Elementary).

I made up my mind on that trip. It was time to tell Ruth exactly how I felt. It was time to make something happen. I returned and entered their condo with my newfound confidence.

I was greeted with a hug and an excited statement, "I met some guy at Sheri's party on Saturday!"

Well, shit.

"That's... great"

Day 74 (December 23rd, 2006) -

The rest of December passed by without major event. Living next to Ruth and Rachel was like living next to the Spice Girls. What once would be described as a "major event" had become quite common place. There were models, singers, ballet dancers, blue men, and actors stopping by on a regular basis, and I quickly learned to take it all in stride. It was quite the departure from my friends who's diversity ended at a Canadian, and that one guy with two level seventy characters in WoW.

Two days before Christmas, Kendall had what she named "The Urban Family Christmas". It was a dinner with friends, and I was had been invited! It was at this party that Ruth would meet the man who would win her heart. He was a pre-med student,, and like most men, he was enthralled by the twins. More specifically, my twin.

At this point in time, Ruthie had numerous suitors, and her main objection to me seemed to be the fact that I was not a member of the Jewish faith. He had that on me, and for that reason I actually encouraged her to go out with him. I was still ridiculously overconfident in my relationship with Ruth, so a small delay couldn't matter.

Day 115 (February 2nd, 2007) -

For my thirtieth birthday, the twins threw me the biggest party of my life. I usually shy away from crowds, but I actually found myself having a good time. At the end of the night, after most people had left, I found myself alone in my room with my neighbor crush. Despite the fact that she lived 5 feet away, we never found ourselves alone. It was time to make my move. It was time to tell her everything.

And then there was a knock at my door. It was him, and he was looking for Ruth. I would soon realize that aggressiveness has it's advantages, and that I had no aggressiveness.

Day 308 (August 14th, 2007) -

Ruth's boyfriend was accepted to medical school in Ohio, and she informed me that she was considering moving with him. The last six months had been a whirlwind romance for her, and she told me that she would spend the next two months deciding.

Maybe it was selfish, maybe it was foolish, but I couldn't bear the thought of her leaving. For the first time, I decided to take action. For the next sixty days I wrote a reason every day for her to stay and posted them in a private blog for her and her alone.

Day 341 (September 16th 2007) -

The new blog ended on Day #34 when Ruthie told me she was moving.

Day ~417 (December 2007) -

As 2007 came to a close, I was broken. I wasn't sure where to go next, but the last thing I wanted to do was write positive, humorous things on a blog. My writing limped along for a while, but eventually I decided it was over. The story I had convinced myself that I was writing had gone the other way. Like a spoiled brat who hadn't gotten his way, I was tired of writing it.

Screw you guys, I'm going home

When I had convinced myself that I didn't care if I quit writing, I got an unexpected letter from Mandi. It was a brief message to let me know that she was still reading and enjoying my blog. It ended with an surprising remark, "My mom reads it too and really likes it!"

Somebody else's mom reads my blog?

It was the mother's guilt trip that I needed. I couldn't possibly quit now.

A Thousand Days in the MakingPart 1: My New Blog Buddy

2009-07-22T22:00:00.002-07:00

Day 1 (October 10th, 2006) -

After a few weeks of working my nerdy little ass off, I had finished a very major project at work in the eleventh hour. This project had kept me at my desk until midnight more often than not, and I found myself suddenly relaxed and free of stress. On this particular day, the clock struck three and I was done. I had given the company my time, and while it was best that I stay till five, all work stopped and my attention drifted to my new writing project.

It occurred to me that I hadn't actually read other blogs. It was time to look out and see what the rest of the world was writing about, and to do that I started clicking the "Next Blog" button at the top of the page.

I was more disappointed than the guy who financed The Adventures of Pluto Nash. I constantly joke about being a bad writer, but the average blog makes me look like William Shakespeare.

Spanish Blog - Next Blog
Picture Blog - Next Blog
Spanish Blog - Next Blog
Advertisements - Next Blog
What was supposed to be English, but failed to achieve anything close - Next Blog
Portuguese Blog - Next Blog
Someone that I don't know's baby blog - Next Blog
Some girl in Montana with a nerdy glasses, Tina Fey sorta thing going on who's studying to be a nurse. - Solid grammar. Decent number of posts. Let's see what she has to say.

Over the next few days I would read Mandi's entire blog from start to finish. In some ways it was simple. She wasn't necessarily trying to tell a giant story, or cover a specific topic. It was just a keyhole view of someone else's life. It was well written and engaging, and in the end I had some new ideas on blogging. It was just what I had been looking for.

Day 4 (October 14, 2006) -

I sent Mandi a message on Myspace which in retrospect probably read like a letter from a creepy dude on the Internet. Where a simple, "Hey, I read your blog and really liked it, thanks." would have most likely been sufficient, I wrote a page long email. Jesse 2009 realizes that reading an entire blog gives one a false sense of relationship with the writer because that relationship is inherently one sided. Jesse 2006 did not.

Day 6 (October 16, 2006) -

Luckily for me, Mandi wasn't too creeped out. She wrote back to thank me for reading her blog. She quickly became my first official "blog buddy" and her's would become the first blog linked on the side of mine. In her email she also mentioned the odd coincidence of having a sister who lived in Phoenix.

Had I known Mandi better, my first question would have been, "Is she in to short nerds?", but since I had probably already over stepped my bounds I let it go.

She even left a comment on one of my blog entries about a hiking trip with Geremy and a girl whom I had nicknamed, "Harold".

I like the name game. It's fun! Geremy is Todd, and Amy is Harold... can I be someone else? (Not that you particularly know me, or that there is any foreseeable reason I should turn up in your blog. I just want to be part of the party...)

It's been almost three years, but I'm finally prepared to answer this question. The in office nicknaming scheme for all females is to call them by a geographical location. In this case you'd probably be "Montana", but I think we're just going to have to go with Mandi until a more suitable nickname can be found. I'll have my people call your people. We'll work on it.

A Thousand Days in the MakingThe Prologue

2009-07-19T23:45:00.001-07:00

The plan was to write this entry later on, but since it ties well in to my last one, and I find it interesting, I've decided to push some other ones back.

Time wise this story takes place over a 1000 day period of time. Yes, I did the math, and that's accurate give or take about 5 days. A few of the emails that had the exact dates are gone because myspace is lame. If you're involved in this story, and can correct me, feel free.

Since this story is rather lengthy, and completely related to the blog itself, I decided to start with a little history of Sesquipedalis and how it came to be. I hope you enjoy it.

One of the very best parts about writing an autobiographical story blog is to see the butterfly effect in motion, and how the smallest things in your past affect your present. You get to see snapshots in time of your life, emotions and opinions. You get to see how those things change with the gift of hindsight. In this particular story, the part of the butterfly is played by a small button on this web page that looks like this:

The summer of 2006 was an important one for me. I was finally coming out of my post-break up malaise, and I was just starting to become a functioning member of society again. One important step in the recovery process was writing a blog.

Of course I didn't start off writing a blog. I wrote two or three posts on myspace, and never planned on writing more. Then one day, Sean's friend J.R. left a comment on an entry. It was pretty cool that someone I didn't know all that well (at the time anyhow) had taken a moment to read something that I had written. It was even more astounding that he actually enjoyed it.

Around that time I started hanging out with my sister and her friends on a regular basis, which normally consisted of trips out to bars. Miranda and I were always good friends, but since she is seven years younger, and way cooler than I, we didn't hang out too often in a social setting. That changed in 2006 when she took me under her wing and gave me a social personality makeover.

One night Miranda's friend Geremy came out with us. I had known of Geremy for quite some time, but didn't really know him. While Geremy would later become the Robin to my Batman, at the time I saw him as my polar opposite. He was tall, fun and charismatic. We couldn't possibly have anything in common.

"Oh my god! I love your blog!" he shouted one night above the bar noise.
Really? What's this guy know about screwing up with women?

And just like that I had my second blog reader. The problem was that I didn't really have a blog, anything to write about, or any idea how to write. Since somebody seemed to care, and I needed a creative outlet, I decided to put some effort in to it. I moved the few stories I had over to Google's Blogger. Unlike myspace, Blogger required a unique name for the blog. By this point in time Geremy was introducing me as, "Jesse - The guy with the blog. You know, the one I had you read." The response was quite often, "Oh, that was funny... and long. Really long."

Sesquipedalian means "long and ponderous". The word was originally used by Homer to make fun of another writer saying that he used "foot and a half long words", so the connotation is a bit insulting. Sesqui - One and a half. Ped - Foot. Unfortunately that name was taken. I switched it to Sesquipedalis and was officially a blogger.

Three

2009-07-13T13:39:00.001-07:00

I apologize that this post is a little serious and self serving. I allow myself one every now and again, hopefully you will too. I promise, we'll get back to stories of me being an idiot soon enough.

Three years ago Saturday, I posted a poorly written story on my myspace blog about my mother trying to set me up with a lesbian. Somehow that story snowballed, and while the myspace profile is all but abandoned, I've now published over 200 stories that mostly deal with me striking out with women. At least that's what it is on the surface. Behind the scenes, at least for me, the blog is a little bit of therapy. It's a lesson in not taking myself too seriously. It's a chance to be creative for someone who's completely uncreative. Most importantly, it's a reminder that life is fantastic.

I actually kept a private journal for about a year's time. That was 6 or 7 years ago. I keep it around as a remind of just how lame I truly can be, but I haven't looked at it in a long while because, quite frankly, it's embarrassing. It's a lot of whining and bitching from a kid who had a pretty good life.

When I started this blog, I decided to make it very public. I knew if nobody else read it, my good friends Adam and Rose would, and they'd give me a solid nut check every time I turned in to a whiny ass. Rule number one of the blog was to always keep things light hearted and happy. At the time I was a little down, and while I didn't look at everything with rose colored glasses, it was easy enough to write it that way.

But something happened that I didn't see coming. Over the last three years the way I live my life has changed because of the blog I've been writing. I started taking risks where I wouldn't before. I started being social where I wouldn't have before. I started being positive where before I'd have been negative. While I've always written myself as a happy-go-lucky, laugh in the face of embarrassment kind of nerd, over time I've slowly become that guy, at least to some extent.

So, to everyone who's given me a little encouragement, sent an email, or even left a comment, thanks for keeping me at it. It's been a solid few years, and hopefully there's more to come.

I realize that I now have at least a reader or two who doesn't know me in real life. If you've got any questions or comments, feel free to comment or email.

"What ever happened between you and so-and-so?"
"Did you really...?"
"Learn to use a comma properly, jackass"

When a Celebrity Asks if you Want a Picture, You Say Yes

2009-07-11T01:49:00.013-07:00

My #1 Pretend Girlfriend Sarah sent me a text this afternoon asking if I wanted to go to the Improv tonight. My schedule was relatively free, and a quick check of the calendar showed that Iliza Shlesinger was headlining. I don't remember watching much of the last season of Last Comic Standing, but I do remember Iliza from the show.

A quick Google search revealed that she was actually the winner.

Good for her. I remember her being funny.

Tickets were purchased, and a few hours later Sarah and I found ourselves waiting in line to enter. As we approached the door, Iliza walked by.

"There's your girlfriend" Sarah said, slightly snickering.

"Huh? Oh." I turned and saw the comedian coming up the steps.

"She's kind of tiny." Sarah pointed out, "You're so in love with her."

Sarah was probably right. Short, cute, energetic, and funny? If that sounds familiar, you've either been reading my dream journal, or you peeked at last year's letter to Santa.

The show was fairly amusing, but in a bit of an odd way. It was more like hanging out with your really funny friend than it was a comedy show. It was somehow a little more accessible I guess.

As the show wrapped up, much like a 70 year old man with diabetes, Sarah rushed to the bathroom for trip #2 while I stood in the entry way. There were a few members of the wait staff there and one or two other people, but it was still relatively empty when Iliza walked by and headed for a little place from which to greet the fans. In a minute or two, the small area would be flooded with people, but for now it was just me, two other dudes, and one super cute comedian.

"You want a picture or something?" she asked, to nobody in particular.

And for once I actually had something to say.

"I don't know... If I take a picture with you, I'm going to have to upload it to my facebook. That's all fine, but that also means my mom is going to see, and that means she's going to be calling me at 8:30 tomorrow morning asking me who you are, how we met, and if you want to have children or not. And I gotta be honest Iliza, I like to sleep in on my Saturdays. But what the hell, let's be dangerous and just go for it, shall we?"

At least that's what I thought would be amusing, in my head.

In reality I decided to go with a different tactic. If you remember, I had the balls to ask an ultra famous 325 lbs. man if he'd mind posing for a picture with me, but the hundred pound white girl was just way too intimidating. I stood for a moment actively not making eye contact before retreating a few steps and hoping Sarah would finish up quickly.

Like all good nerds, my confidence rose when I was back behind the safety of the Internet. She mentioned twitter a few times during her act, and she's doing two more shows, so I sent her a tweet asking if she wants to have lunch tomorrow. I'll keep you posted, but if it works out, you're all invited to the wedding.

Elevator Humor.... part 3?

2009-07-01T23:47:00.007-07:00

This evening I had a pretend girlfriend date with my friend Sarah. We hit up the CPK, did a little shopping, grabbed some fro-yo, and watched a little Tivo back at my place. It was a solid evening, and at the end of the night we found ourselves in my elevator heading towards the parking lot.

Sarah and I regularly trade long winded stories, and on this particular evening I had interrupted her a few times. As we descended in the elevator she pretended to be upset with me.

"You never let me finish!"

At this point the elevator reached the first floor and the doors began to open. Sarah and I had been play fighting all night, and we know each other well enough to take things a bit far at times.

"I don't care if the ladies finish. It's all about me. That's my move," I responded.

As the last word came out of my mouth I exited the elevator and noticed a blond girl standing to the left waiting to get on. I believe it was the Cardinal's cheerleader that I've bumped in to a few times who lives in the building. I say "believe" because I of course was too embarrassed to look her in the eye.

When we were just out of ear shot Sarah burst out laughing and started on me.

"Just so you know, you've got no chance with that one now."
"Now? She was out of my league already right?"
"Oh, totally."

My Recent Trip to Court

2009-07-01T16:45:00.001-07:00

We're going to completely shift gears for a second and I'm going to post something completely serious about my recent jury duty. I wrote this out for someone else, but I've decided to post it for now. It's by no means polished or amusing. I may edit it as I see fit, or remove it all together.

I had to serve on a jury this week. A lot of people seem to be interested in the case and how it turned out. It's odd how something this serious can affect you emotionally for a few days. It's the same feeling I had when my work was raided by ICE and the ATF a few years back (for those who know that story). Maybe it only affects me in this way because being completely serious for two days straight is almost impossible for me.

The Prosecution story started off like this:

Back in 2006 an officer sees a car driving around 9 at night with it's headlights off, doing about 10 miles an hour as it approaches a light. At the last minute it jerks suddenly in to the left hand turn lane. He finds this suspicious, pulls up behind it, and after the left hand turn, pulls the lady over.

As he's asking for license and registration, etc. the officer notices that she's a bit flush, and has a faint odor of alcohol, so he asks her to step out of the vehicle and performs the horizontal gaze nystagmus test(The, "Follow this pen/light with your eyes" deal).

Apparently the officers look for 6 specific cues in this test. 3 or more indicate neurological impairment(Most often from consumption of alcohol). She had all six. The officer asks her to submit to some field sobriety tests and she says that she has arthritis and some long time physical injuries that may give inaccurate results. He asks her to take a Breathalyzer and she readily agrees.

He was on a motorcycle. They transport her to a van where they can do the test, and she blows a .126. In AZ it's .08 or higher and you're not supposed to be driving.

At this point I was thinking, "Wrap this one up and we can all go home early. This broad is guilty." The defense hopped up and broke it down like this:

The lady had just left a restaurant where she had sampled a glass of wine, but ultimately decided not to order it. Her car had been valeted here. She has the automatic headlights, and isn't really sure how they got to the off position, and she didn't notice until the cop pulled her over.

The section of town she was driving through had a tremendous amount of confusing construction at that time. (I personally know that to be true because it's about 2 miles from where I live). They were also working at night, so they had a bunch of huge lights out there. The area is next to one of the bigger shopping centers in Phoenix, so it's already very well lit.

She explained that she wasn't sure if it was "this left" or "the next one" to get to the Fry's grocery store she intended to go to. (Again, I know the area, makes sense to me. It's confusing) That's the explanation for the sudden jerking to the left hand turn lane. She also doesn't normally drive at night because of a previous injury, and therefore was a little overly cautious.

Thirty years ago she was in a really serious car accident where her car was "run over" by a semi truck. She spent a decent amount of time in a coma, and months in physical therapy. She has some lingering physical issues and nerve damage. Both sides seemed to agree that this could possibly cause failure of the eye test, although the prosecution obviously thought it was much less likely than the defense.

One of the cue that officers use to test if you're drunk is to ask you questions while you get your license and registration. Apparently the ability to multi-task is one of the first things to go normally. She passed this just fine. She never slurred any speech, or had a loss of balance, or any other visual indications of being drunk. During the time the officer was following her, he noted nothing other than perfect driving.

He then went on for about 4 hours challenging the breathalyzer test itself. Apparently this particular machine had exceptions starting one week after the incident. Within a month it was sent back to the manufacturer for two months of repair. A few months after that, the head of the company that makes the machine came out to perform repairs on the machine and did something that neither side knew to the machine. Six months after the DUI arrest, that machine was decommissioned.

The defense also called as an expert witness, a toxicologist. This guy also happens to be the man who worked for the city of Phoenix in the crime lab in 2006, and he quit because he was upset with the department, and their records keeping. He said that he felt the results in this case were "Scientifically Questionable". The company that made the breathalyzer has never agreed to testify in a case, and has constantly refused requests to view the source code to the machine.

The lady asked for a blood test. The officer, even though qualified to give one, refused. Apparently it wasn't police policy to give one unless the case was serious. If it was "serious" then a blood test was always given. Since 2006, city of Phoenix has switched to only using blood tests. The police told her that she can go somewhere like a hospital and get an independent test.

She said she had a friend take her to 3 different hospitals, but the soonest any would see her is 5 hours. She gives up at that point.

There are, obviously, a lot of other facts to the case, and I'm sure I've forgotten to mention a few. In the end, my gut feeling was that she had done it. She was most likely a wealthy lady. She got a really good lawyer, and was trying to get out of it.

That being said, I still had reasonable doubt. I work on software. The chances of there being a bug seem possible. The breathalyzer was done an hour and a half after the pull over and she blew a .126. .1 is when the average person is supposed to lose fine motor skills. .15 is where you lose major motor skills.

It seemed odd to me that she had no other visible signs of being drunk. No stumbling, no bad driving, no issue retrieving her license/registration.

The other 5 jurors didn't see it that way. The most vocal was a 60 year old republican looking dude who's basic argument was, "Test says she did it. She did it". I remained firm with, "If there was something else to back up a 'scientifically questionable' test result, then I might be inclined to agree."

There was one Indian dude who was most upset that the "Expert in toxicology only had a masters degree." It was his feeling that to be an expert on anything required a Phd. That seemed to be his strongest argument that the test was in fact valid.

The other 3 jurors seemed to have sort of succumbed to mob mentality, and just went along with the pack.

In the end I stuck to my guns and we wound up with a hung jury. The old dude seemed really pissed off at me, bordering on yelling towards the end. The more upset he got, the more calm and logical I got. This seemed to piss him off even more.

He basically told me that I was calling the police officers liars, and discrediting them and their many years of experience. Oddly enough, that's part of what sold me on the not-guilty. All 3 officers who testified were specifically trained in DUI, and not a single one noticed anything else to indicate she was drunk? It just seemed odd. I held everything they said to be true.

As we walked out he mumbled under his breath something like, "I don't even want to think about the amount of tax payer money you've just wasted on this"

Nerd Word(s): The Tuck and Roll

2009-06-25T23:31:00.004-07:00

The Tuck and Roll
- technique

1. Literally: A method of egress from a moving vehicle.
2. Figuratively: Dropping a friend off without turning the car off, and using a very quick stop.

[ Origin: Unknown. ]

- usage
1. I need to drop him off at his girlfriend's house. That woman scares me though, so I'm just giving him the tuck and roll.
2. That's a busy street. I can't just stop in the middle.
No worries man. I'll just tuck and roll.

My Partner in CrimePart Four: The Heist

2009-06-25T23:11:00.017-07:00

This is part four of a multi-part story. If you'd like to read the whole thing, click here and read from the bottom up.

Saturday morning Jo and I woke up and quickly set out in search of adventure. There was much to do, and the Jo-cathalon 2009 was already half over! The day would include the following activites(both planned and unplanned):

A trip to the Tempe Center for the Arts
Lunch at the Fatburger
Discussion of designer jeans with a store clerk(Jo discussed. I mostly just stood there looking like a lump on a log)
A walk by Tempe Town Lake
A picture(Or two) with a cactus for Jo
A Harley Davidson store visit for dad gifts
Scooter shopping
Dinner with Jo's friend Christine and my sister

Dinner finished up, and by nine we were back on the road to my house feeling both full and extremely tired from the day's events. I was out of planned events, and beginning to worry.

Is this the moment she finally figures out how lame I really am?

Just as the panic began to set in, it was Jo to the rescue.

"You know," she began with a bit of mischief in her voice, "We could go steal Dave's trophy and take pictures with it all over town."

If I had a ring with me, I might have considered proposing on the spot.

"You can print out the pictures and decorate Dave's office with them after I leave."

We grabbed the trophy and took a few pictures before calling it a night. Back at my house we took turns making each other laugh with ridiculous stories and even played a couple of games of wii bowling. The very first email I had ever sent Jo included a wii bowling challenge, so despite the fact that we were quite tired, at least one game had to be played.

The following morning Jo and I walked through downtown Phoenix taking pictures of Jo with the trophy in front of anything that seemed even remotely interesting. As we did, people would stare and ask questions.

"What's your trophy for?"

"Oh this?" Jo would say cooly and motion to the boxer on top of the trophy, "Boxing."

She's got a trophy. That means it has to be true, right?

"She's a feather weight" I'd add. "Best in her class."

After breakfast and a ton of photos, I reluctantly took Jo to catch her flight. When dropping people off at the airport, I normally give them the tuck-and-roll, but this was sort of a special occasion so I parked and walked her to the gate where we shared a goodbye hug and parted ways.

The next week Dave(AKA "The Safety Dance Developer") came to work to find his office very Jo-tastic. I even made a little slide show out of it so he'd never forget. I recommend pressing the "Full Screen" button for the full effect.

Special note for mom: If the video is all jittery, hit the pause button and wait for it to fully load. You can tell by the little red bar at the bottom.

My Partner in CrimeThe Epilogue

2009-06-25T23:00:00.001-07:00

Part four was supposed to be the ending to this story, but last week Jo and I had the following conversation via text(Because I'm afraid to talk to girls on the phone). I thought this made a fitting ending to the story.

For those wondering, yeah, I'm wordy in text messages too.

Me: I've had like 10 people ask me about me and you now. I didn't even know 10 people read my blog. Everyone wants to know how this story ends. I think you're the Sesquipedalis ringer

Jo: We need a better ending. Something with jazz hands.

Me: Next time I see you, I'll get drunk for the first time ever and hit on you. You can throw a drink in my face, plant a big kiss on my sister, and then I "Never heard from her again"
Either that, or we could drive to Vegas and get Married. I'm good either way.

Jo: You're on to something there. She's totally my type

Nerd Games: Hide and Go Trophy

2009-06-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

If you've been keeping up with the blog for a while, you'll remember that back in March Sean and I threw the St. Patty's day party to end all St. Patty's day parties. If you don't remember, feel free to click here and read all about it.

The party was a huge success. There was beer pong, rock band, and boxing. I even took a little time out for some Photo-Bombing:

I myself had no intention of participating in the boxing, but once I was challenged by a few women, my hands were tied. I'm pretty sure that I ended the night with the best record, but when it came down to it, everyone had been beaten by the most unlikely person.

My co-worker Dave(AKA "Valley D", AKA "The Safety Dance Developer") destroyed everyone in the ring. It's odd because Dave is basically the real life version of Shaggy from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. He's a peace loving hippie who's famous quote is, "It's cool man". Unfortunately for the rest of us, after he had downed a few beers and crawled in to the ring, it was not cool. It was very not cool, man.

The next day Valley D brought his trophy in to the office, and set it out for all to see. Sean and I decided that this was unacceptable and when Dave's back was turned, we stole it and hid it. Dave eventually found it, it mysteriously disappeared again. This soon turned in to a new way to pass the time at work, and I'd guess that at this point the trophy has spent more time lost than it has found.

My Partner in CrimePart Three: The Arrival

2009-06-15T09:10:00.003-07:00

This is part three of a multi-part story. If you'd like to read the whole thing, go here and read from the bottom up.

They say you don't get a second chance to make a first impression, and with that in mind I planned a little something extra for Jo's arrival. She had once given a very accurate description on her blog of what kind of man she was after(click here to read). I'm about as close to the description of starting center for the Phoenix Suns as I am to Jo's description of the perfect man, but a quick trip to Easley's costume shop would fix that.

While I found the costume amusing and knew that Jo would get the reference, what didn't occur to me until I arrived at the airport was that security wouldn't be in on the joke. At first the stares and pointing were amusing, but my mind quickly started imagining scenarios where I end up in a windowless room explaining why I'm dressed in a disguise as a South American. The last thing I needed was to be detained, so I wussed out and took the hat and beard off.

I still had about 10 minutes before Jo arrived, and the nerves quickly spiked to an all time high.

Would I recognize her? What if she was just kidding and isn't actually coming? What if she's actually a 300 pound dude? What was I thinking? Did I have the right time? Was I at the right terminal? What if...

And then she came out of the gate...

I'm really only afraid of three things in this world: Smart Girls, Funny Girls, and Pretty Girls. Jo happens to be all three. While my first instinct was to run and hide, I decided to stick it out.

I called out to her, and after a brief hello we were soon on the road to my house.

Jo had previously joked that after months of talking on the Internet, we'd find ourselves in person with nothing but uncomfortable silence, but fortunately that wasn't the case. In fact, it was almost dissapointing how not weird it was.

How can I blog normal? I can't do anything with "good"

We had dinner, and then stayed up late, talking and gossiping like two girls at a slumber party.

The next day we went to see my one true love in the world: Steve Nash. Despite not being an NBA fan, Jo was a good sport. She even wore the Nash jersey I had bought for her and cheered for the Suns.

After the game we met Mory and her boyfriend Anew on the West side for a late night snack. Miranda is always a good judge of character, so I often find myself deferring to her opinions. She has a way of pointing out things that I never would have noticed. I also figured that after hanging out with me for a day straight it was time to call in some backup to keep Jo entertained. It had only been 24 hours, I couldn't let her figure out how lame I really am. Not yet anyhow. With a little help from my sis, I could keep the illusion up a little longer.

Jo and Mory immediately hit it off. Jo even invited Mo out on Saturday for our dinner plans. We got home late, and stayed up even later gabbing again. Later in the night I would receive a text message from Miranda.

I like her. She's fun

My Partner in CrimePart Two: The Realization

2009-06-08T07:45:00.001-07:00

When we last left our hero, he was happier than Kirstie Alley after Luby's opened an all you can eat buffet near her house. His current e-crush Jo had recently agreed not just to meet him, but to stay with him for an entire weekend. It was like Christmas in April, and his mind was naturally racing. We now return to this week's episode already in progress

"Wait wait wait. The redhead? The one you showed me the picture of?" my sister attempted to make sense of my ramblings from the other side of the phone.

It was too early in the morning for a real explanation, but I had to talk about it with someone. The only person in the office at this hour was Liang, and I just wasn't ready for that yet.

"Yes, that one. Jo."

"Oh. No, she's too hot to even be talking to you. You sure this isn't just some elaborate set up to steal your crap?"

"Well. I mean... no. But it seems like a lot of effort for a couple of video game consoles and a bean bag."

"I tell you what. If I don't hear from you by Sunday I'll head on over, untie you from the bed, and take the ball gag out of your mouth."

In my family, we show we care by making fun of each other. Right now Miranda was caring a lot.

She continued her support, "Let's assume for a second that this turns out to be legit, and this girl actually wants to hang out with you. What the hell are you going to do with a cute, smart, funny girl for four days?"

Shit

I hadn't really thought this through. Much like a one handed Luke hanging from cloud city, I quickly realized that a little more planning was in order. Luckily for me, I realized it before it was too late.

I figured if I hadn't scared the girl off yet, it was time to up the ante. I soon had a to do list of considerable size that included the following:
1. Purchase two Sun's tickets.
2. Clean the car.
3. Get a fake, grey beard.
4. Make a dinner reservation for that Saturday at a place in north Scottsdale.
5. Clean the house.
6. Purchase one sombrero.
7. Purchase one child's large size Steve Nash jersey.

Two weeks later the date had arrived. I found myself driving towards the airport to pick Jo up. Internally I was a wreck, but on the outside I did my best to keep it cool.

Chair Building

2009-06-04T16:26:00.002-07:00

Back in August of last year I made a silly video about a chair. That story can be found here.

Well, last night my friend Adam suggested I submit it to iReport. They were looking for Tetris related content for the 25th anniversary of Tetris. I followed Adam's advice, and awoke to an email from someone at turner.com.

My video was tagged with an "On CNN" mark, and I later found it here on the cnn video site:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/ireports/2009/06/04/irpt.tetris.chair.build.cnn

I haven't gotten any other feedback from them, so I don't know if it's airing on TV or not. I find the whole thing fairly amusing, because without any explanation the video makes no sense. Hell, it makes no sense even with explanation.

The results are in!

2009-06-03T22:00:00.004-07:00

You'll have to forgive me a bit for dragging my feet on determining a winner to the free lunch contest. The past few weeks have been a bit hectic, and just as I went to finish this off, my laptop died. For me that's a kick in the junk the size of which you wouldn't believe.

Just like last year, we'll take a look at the guesses before we get to the answer:

$41.38 - Exzavier
$65.87 - Anna
$68.43 - Servant
$83.17 - Dave
$87.53 - Ghedoicy
$95.96 - TR
$104.00 - Matt
$110.50 - Liang
$111.38 - Motz
$111.69 - Nikki
$122.12 - Miranda
$136.00 - Jo
$141.67 - Adam
$152.37 - Jesse
$158.00 - Megan
$169.69 - Beadle
$191.43 - Rose
$202.00 - Andrew
$212.00 - Stacy

And the grand total was....
$140.13

Just like I predicted, a cute girl who is in to short nerds won it all. Everyone congratulate Adam on his win. I'll get with you later on how we manage to get you a free lunch from 5600 miles away(That's 9100 Kilometers for you Adam).

Please make this product

2009-05-26T22:54:00.003-07:00

I was about 12 when it first hit. And it hit in a big way. I was watching a Sun's game with the family. We were set to play the Portland Trail Blazers that night.

Mom walked in to the TV room in the back of the house and asked, "Who are we playing? Oh... Porkland"

Porkland?

I brushed it off. We all make mistakes, and my family is from Arkansas. The fact that we can speak and know how to read puts us a cut above the rest.

In the first half she would scream, "AJ threw the ball away!" after then point guard Kevin Johnson made a bad pass.

I think they call him KJ mom...

Later in the evening mom would announce, "Chamberland is having a good night, but the Sun's really need to find a way to stop Drixoral."

She was of course referring to then Power Forward/Center Tom Chambers and Portland star Clyde "The Glide" Drexler.

At this point the gloves came off, and the entire family started giving mom some good natured ribbing that has continued to this day. I realize the following is a joke by SNL, but if Sony, or some other electronics manufacturer could make this product, I'm not sure there's a price that I wouldn't pay for it.

Please.

At Least I'm Not the Only One

2009-05-17T19:54:00.007-07:00

Greetings from lovely, slightly overcast, San Diego. I'm currently midway through packing things up for the return trip home tomorrow, but thought I'd duck out to sit on the patio overlooking the ocean for a minute with my best friend in the whole world, the laptop. While you're here, don't forget to enter the free lunch contest here.

I was walking through Carlsbad Village today enjoying two of my favorite vacation sports: food and people watching. I was exiting a local restaurant, sandwich in hand, when a girl with bright blue hair walked by.

Wow, that's cool.

Apparently I wasn't the only one who noticed. A guy sitting at an outside table commented, "I like your hair"

"Thanks" she said without really turning, and continued on her way.

She was almost out of earshot when the guy, undaunted tried again, "Where'd you get it done?"

"My husband's a hairdresser. We do each other's hair."

Ouch...

"Um... well... uh... where do you guys cut hair? Do you have a card?"

Wow, not taking no for an answer.

He continued, "Because I'm a hairdresser too"

Sure you are, buddy

"No" she ended the conversation and finally walked off. I felt like going and giving him a pat on the shoulder, but instead found a seat and ate my sandwich.

Nerd Games: The Free LunchYear Two

2009-05-10T19:43:00.009-07:00

Me going on vacation is about as frequent as a Halley's Comet visit, but I'm going to be out in Cali for almost a week coming up. With that in mind I figured it was time to toss up the Free Lunch contest for this year. I don't think change accumulated as fast this year as it normally does, but then the contest ran a little long. That means this year it's anyone's game. Good luck, and see you in a week or two!

Just like last year I'm inviting everyone to guess how much money is in my change jar. The closest to the exact dollar amount gets a free lunch from/with me.

Feel free to comment, email, IM, or even tweet your guess to me. A winner will be picked in roughly 10 days.

Rules:
1. The location of the dinner must be mutually decided upon, and the value per meal not to exceed 25 dollars. If the winner lives out of state, then some alternative prize will be awarded.
2. I reserve the right to kick anyone out of the competition for any reason.
3. Results may be modified to ensure the winner is a cute girl who is single and in to short nerds.
4. Non-US currency in the jar will not count towards the total.

This year, for comparison's sake, we'll use a standard sized Coke can and a half built Lego Minstorms NXT Robot, since everyone should know the exact size of that. Feel free to click on the images for a bigger picture.

I'll give you a hint. Guess more than twenty bucks.

My Partner in CrimePart One: The Invitation

2009-05-06T22:17:00.005-07:00

In early 2009, as they are wont do, plans changed. At first Jo's move to Phoenix was delayed for a month, but soon that delay was put on indefinite status. It was Episode One all over again. Huge excitement. Big let down.

I had other things going on though, so I took the disappointment in stride. Jo and I kept up with our online back and forth, and somehow it just worked. It was odd to have someone who got all my jokes and weirdness without much effort, and I enjoyed the long distance pen pal. She quickly became my go to girl for all things Internet.

One night in March I picked her brain about all of the attention my blog had been receiving and how I should go about handling it. We cracked jokes and swapped stories while each preparing our dinners. I mused over the fact that we were eating dinner together from a thousand miles away. Out of my last few meals with a member of the opposite sex, this had by far been the best.

Does that say something about me?

Jo went to bed, but the feeling stuck and I decided it was time to put a face to the ten point Times New Roman font that had been making me laugh for the past four months. The clock read 9:54pm, but I threw caution to the wind and began typing out an ~~email~~ novel.

An hour later it was done. It was done, and long. It included bad jokes, predictions of the future, wussy moments, stupid stories, and most importantly an invitation to stay at my house. I even went so far as to offer to pay for the air fare.

The goal for 2009 is to be a little more forward in all aspects of life.

I mulled it over once more before clicking the send button. It was time to be assertive.

The next morning I awoke and could see the light on my phone flashing in the mirror next to the bed. I had yet to shake off my early morning grogginess, and assumed that someone from work had emailed me. As I clumsily clicked through the menus the previous night's online adventures came rushing back.

The email was from Jo.

Ugh... what did I do? Why did I send that email? At least she responded. That means she's still talking to me. Right?

I hesitated for a moment, but finally clicked to open it.

A simple, "You should come hang out," would have worked.

This is Not the Post You Were Looking For

2009-04-28T17:27:00.009-07:00

Yesterday the swine flu hit the Internet. No, I don't mean the actual flu. I mean the general pandemonium of it. Twitter was on fire with messages about it. News sites were running reports. At the end of the day, what good did it all do?

Let's keep in mind that roughly 155,000 people die each day for various reasons. It's really not time to freak out yet. That being said, I find it amusing that while the whole world was in an uproar, someone at the U.S. Department of Health was finding my blog by searching for Shaq:

Today I went to the Podiatrist. Apparently I have a very mild case of Plantar Fasciitis if anyone really cared. The fantastic part is the location of the doctor's office. It resides right here on the second floor of this building. Anyone see the problem? Two points if you do.

Alexis Gentry, the new Twitter voice of the Suns, and head coach Alvin Gentry's daughter recently asked the fans for nicknames for Goran Dragic. I posted a reply, which she actually mentioned.

My family's nickname for Dragic comes from both his resemblance to my man-crush Steve Nash, and from my mother's tendency to mix up basketball players. Many a night we would walk in to the living room to hear Mom screaming, "Nash you fool!" A quick glance at the court would reveal that Nash was actually on the bench. Dragic's nickname soon became "Not Nash".

"Oh man. Not Nash is on fire tonight."

Searching Google for: Best Story on Blogger has me as the #1 or #2 hit right now.
Searching Google for: Babe of the Day puts me on the first three pages.

The Blog Serves a Purpose

2009-04-24T20:43:00.002-07:00

I feel like I've been taking more crap than a Dutch porn star about my blog lately. People aren't happy with this post or that post, or they're not happy with the frequency of posts. Well, there's a lot going on, and it's sort of hard to distill it all down to a manageable story for the blog. I realize in retrospect that I posted the last "Nerd Words" a bit early, since this entry doesn't use the term. I just double checked though, and it turns out that I don't care too much.

I'd like to take the time to write out this entire story before posting it as this story sets up the base for a few more, but I feel the need to post something. So, let's just wing it and see how it goes, shall we?

In the mean time, if anyone out there would like a job ghost writing for Sesquipedalis feel free to email me.

In 2007 I somehow ended up on a "Social Networking" site. I believe I was lured in by a test that promised to either tell me which light saber color I am, or which Firefly character I would be. A few months later I figured, "What the hell?" and filled out my profile. .

After the initial rush of talking to a few girls online, I mostly forgot about the account. The thing with these online sites is that single, sane women are jumped on like the last Miller Lite at a frat party about two seconds after they sign up. As a guy, you have to do something to set yourself apart from the crowed and selling "Jesse" isn't exactly my strong suit. With that in mind, I threw up a brief description of myself and a link to the blog. I figured if anyone had a genuine interest in me, a glance at the stories here would relieve them of the ailment.

Back in November I took a glance around to see if there was anyone new and interesting in the area, and to my surprise there was. Near the top of my match list was a girl named Jo. She was short, redheaded, slightly nerdy, and funny. Really funny. She even mentioned playing Wii in her profile. For a short kid with big feet this was like finding a ring in a cave that makes you invisible.

Despite the fact that I had only viewed an online profile, I was already too intimidated to talk to her. I spent a week working up the sack to send an email. I read and reread her profile thinking of witty things to say. A few self affirmation speeches, a prayer service, and a pep talk from Mory later and I finally landed on something resembling, "Will you marry me?". I immediately regretted sending the email and cried myself to sleep assuming I'd blown my chance with the girl.

The expectations were low, and the e-crush at a manageable four until a few days later when I received a rather lengthy response including the statements, "Wii bowling is rad" and "The other day I applied for a job with the Obama administration, saying that I should be the Secretary of the Internets."

The e-crush was now climbing at an alarming rate.

It turned out that Jo had not only viewed my profile, but also spent a decent portion of an afternoon reading through the blog. Even more surprising is that she still chose to respond.

Jo was living in Chicago, but had plans to move to Phoenix. She explained that she had changed her profile to say "Phoenix" in hopes of meeting some decent peeps to hang out with after the move. I read through her blog(Which you can now find linked on the side of mine), and we were soon exchanging emails on a semi-regular basis. To say that I was excited for her "early 2009" move to Phoenix would be an understatement.

Nerd Word(s): The Ten PM Rule

2009-04-21T13:59:00.007-07:00

The Ten PM Rule
- words to live by

1. No writing personal emails after Ten at night.

[ Origin: I used to go visit Ana a lot, and it was a long drive back to my house from Chandler. I had a major crush on her, so the drive home was usually spent thinking about her and how the evening had gone. When I got home I'd generally have a whole new set of things that I wanted to talk to her about so I'd write an email that was usually overly wussy and emo.

After a while I had to make a rule: "No more emails after 10 pm". ]

- usage
1. Yeah, I almost wrote you a reply, but I had a lot to say and it was after 10 so I figured it could wait till the morning.

Call Me Sweet Pea

2009-04-13T22:13:00.004-07:00

One of the more interesting parts of high rise living is the diversity of the neighbors. At first I took it upon myself to get to know everyone I could, but with over 200 units in the building, I quickly found that my efforts were futile. In the down economy, the residents rotate on a regular basis, and by the time you've learned a person's name, they're gone.

To combat this phenomenon the twins and I devised a simple "Friends" like naming scheme to facilitate in the necessity of passing building gossip.

"So, I ran in to Psycho Blond Chick today"
"Wait... Is she the one across from Scary Racist Dude?"
"No no no. That's Angry Fighting Couple. Psycho Blond chick is one unit over"

The interesting thing about Scary Racist Dude's unit is that it's always occupied by someone who is just off.

After Scary Racist Dude it was Pot Smoker Pete. PSP was then replaced by the most recent occupant, Crazy Witch Lady. I'm not saying that CWL practices black magic, but if this was 1692 I'd be dunking her in the pool to see if she could escape with her hands tied.

As I opened my door a few days ago I was surprised to find a small dog running up to greet me. I looked down the hall and a moment later a door off in the distance opened. CWL would emerge, covered in henna, her hair in that oh so trendy Albert Einstein do, and a general look that said, "I'm somewhere else right now."

She didn't even glance in my direction as she shouted, "Let's go Sweet Pea."
Without hesitation I responded, "Be right there Sugalump" and it was then that she finally reacted to my presence.

"Oh. She's the ambassador of the floor" she explained the dog greeting me.
"Oh. The dog. I thought you were talking to me" I feigned ignorance, explaining my joke.
"You're the ambassador for the floor?" she asked, somewhat confused.

Huh?

The eleven floor elevator ride was taken in complete silence save a few socially awkward whimpers from Sweet Pea.

Top 5: Worst Casting Decisions

2009-03-25T07:00:00.004-07:00

5. Shia Labeouf as Harrison Ford's son in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -
Let's first examine the possibility of Indiana Jones actually having a kid.

By now you should have the opening scene of Raiders memorized. If you don't, go watch it and come back. I'll wait.

This scene proves without a doubt that Indy couldn't possibly have a child that he didn't know about; He never goes anywhere without a hat, and he always gets out in time.

4. Marlon Wayans as Snails in Dungeons & Dragons -

If I had ten readers, nine of them would think I was joking around right now, but rest assured I'm being serious. In 2000, there was a Dungeons & Dragons movie made, and playing the part of the sidekick was none other than Marlon Wayans, star of 75% of the shows on the WB for the first 3 years it was a network.

Two words for Petr Brodsky and the rest of the four member casting team:
Target Demographic

It took four of you to cast that piece of crap? Really? Really!?!

You could have dressed up a bunch of six year olds and it would have been more amusing. I think The Little Rascals proved that. You know what? Never mind. I give up. Next.

3. Keanu Reeves(In any role other than Ted Theodore Logan) -
Look, I get it. You really liked the Matrix. You know what? I did too, but I'd argue that it'd be just as solid of a movie if the part was played by someone else.

Johnny Mnemonic is the only film I've ever walked out on. What's worse is that I was 18 at the time, when that seven bucks I'd just spent actually meant something to me.

I'm not even going to argue with you on this one. Roll the clip that pushed me over the edge:

2. Shia Labeouf as Sean Connery's grandson in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -

A lot of people forget that in his portrayal of Mutt, Shia was not only playing Indy's son, but also Sir Connery's grandson. Look, Shia seems like a cool kid. I'll give you that. He hangs out with Optimus Prime on a regular basis, and even made out with Megan Fox. On the cool scale, that's up there. Way up there. But you're asking an Olympic pole vaulter to jump over the Empire State building here.

The only person bad ass enough to play this part was Jesus Christ himself, but I heard the producers couldn't get him to come out of retirement for a second time.

1. Jennifer Connelly as Janine in He's Just Not That In To You -
Jennifer Connelly is a fantastic actress, but for this year's "He's Just Not That in to You", the brilliant team of Baddeley and Davis decide to cast her in the part of Janine. In the movie, and I hope I'm not spoiling this for you, Janine is cheated on by her husband.

I've watched Dinosaurs come to life and a little alien named Yoda get in to a light saber fight with a real person. I've sat through flying cars and skeleton pirate attacks. I even bought it when Matt Damon played a genius, but if you expect me to believe that any man could cheat on Jennifer Connelly, a Jennifer Connelly who spent half the movie in pig tails no less, then you're about 40 IQ points below Forrest Gump.

If the stork delivered you from the factory between the years 1969 and 1982 with the "Daddy Parts" option selected, then an absolute, unfaltering adoration of Jennifer was installed by default. It's impossible for this movie to have taken place.

"But maybe she was all they could get?" Some not-as-astute-as-they-think-they-are readers are currently thinking.

You don't even have to look outside of the cast list to see where they went wrong. The correct answer should stand out to you like Shaquille O'Neal at a white midget convention.

Drew Barrymore
Jennifer Connelly
Scarlett Johansson
Jennifer Aniston
Ginnifer Goodwin

Out of this list, not one of these names stands out as the perfect person to play a girl who gets cheated on by her husband and left for a younger, more sexual woman? Huh.

Nerd Word(s): The Project

2009-03-11T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Project
- noun

1. Something that a nerd is currently devoting most of his time, energy, or thoughts to. Normally this involves building, wiring, constructing, programming, or a combination of many different nerd schools of expertise.
2. The single most attention consuming thought for any true nerd.

[ Origin: Since the dawn of time, nerds have worked on "The Project" ]

- usage
1. "Dude, we're all getting together to watch the Sun's game tonight. You in?"
"Nah, I think I'm just going to stay home and work on The Project"

- see also
60%

- examples
1. The Flying Machine - The Wright Brothers(And others)
2. How To Build a Chair - Me
3. Cale's Bedroom - A project by Sean

Totally Totally Nerd Party 2009

2009-03-11T18:17:00.005-07:00

I normally wait till after the party to write a story about how I said something stupid to some girl I don't know, but since this party was sort of The Project for the week, I thought I should advertise a little. If I've neglected to invite someone, let me know and I'll fix that. Also, if you'd like to apply to be the girl I say something stupid to, send an email to: Sesquipedalis@gmail.com.

All of your favorite Sesquipedalis stars will be there, including Sean, Liang, J.R., and even Flip Cup. I for one will be hiding in the corner and making awkward conversation.

Sean recently purchased a new ~~house~~ mini-mansion, and to celebrate decided he'd add a little something extra to his annual St. Patty's day party. This year he wanted to get some oversized boxing gloves.

I upped the ante and suggested he rent an inflatable ring as well.

Naturally, we soon found ourselves at a trophy store picking up a trophy that reads, "Drunken Cartoon Boxing Champ 2009"

The plan was set: Boxing in the backyard, Sun's game downstairs, and Rock Band in the upstairs loft.

But with all of the hubub over the boxing I felt it necessary to up the ante on the Rock Band as well. Following the instructions found here, I wired two stage kits together for a super nerdy Rock Band experience.

Do It For Harley

2009-03-06T16:39:00.001-07:00

"So I have this friend, named Stephanie, and she's super cute. You should meet her sometime," Mary's IM began abruptly.

"Uh huh..."

It wasn't that I wasn't interested. Far from it. It was more the fact that Mary's a bit crazy, and doesn't even know me that well. Not really. Besides, if this blog has shown us anything it's that first time meetings aren't really my thing.

Mary isn't actually crazy. She's well within the acceptable range of crazy for anyone born a female. She's just a bit of an overachiever and trends towards the higher side of that scale.

We met over a year ago when Geremy brought her to Rock Band night at a local bar. Mine and Erik's band Metallic Brainstem were set to do a two song set list, and she filled in on bass.

Geremy had met Mary in class, and I believe was attempting to set the two of us up. Mary's a lovely girl, but the meeting was a bit like remedial science class at the local high school: Not a lot of chemistry. The feeling was mutual, and while the real life relationship floundered a little, we transitioned nicely to online buddies. We took to IMing one another on the slow days at work.

On this particular day, either work was extremely slow, or Mary was just over eager.

"Well, she's a bit young" she continued, "Twenty to be exact, but she turns 21 in September"

Strike one. Are we really counting months? Is this some sort of set up? Chris Hansen, is that you? No I will not have a seat over there.

"I met her in the Miss Arizona pageant. She competed with me"

A beauty queen? Me? Really Mary? Strike two. Why don't I just pick her up on my flying Pegasus and spend the evening slaying dragons and dancing with the faeries? I mean, if we're living in fantasy land why not jazz it up a tad?

"A twenty year old beauty queen? Have you read my blog at all Mary? Even a little? I feel like you haven't been paying attention" I began to protest.

"There's a pageant coming up. You should go cheer her on."

"Yeah, I don't know if..."

"She does ventriloquy for her talent" Mary continued, undaunted.

"I'm in."

Last Saturday I found myself outside of a large auditorium wondering what I'd gotten in to. Apparently jeans and a white T-shirt aren't appropriate attire for a beauty pageant, so I made an attempt at dressing nicely. I felt a bit like a kid who's mom had dressed him in a tie for the first day of Sunday school, but I put on a brave face as we entered.

The competition was surprisingly not bad. Sure, there were a few off moments. Some of the answers during the Q&A portion were a bit less than fantastic(Not quite The Iraqs, but still amusing). A few of the "talents" were a little more Sanjaya than they were Kelly, but as a whole it was entertaining.

And then came Stephanie. The tiny girl walked out on stage in her flowing white dress, and Dream Weaver started playing. After a brief, and entertaining introduction she pulled out her dummy "Harley" and went in to her act. It was actually funny. For the first time in the evening I was laughing, and it was an acceptable time for me to be laughing. It was fantastic.

It was at this exact moment that I leaned over to Mary and whispered, "I think I'm in love"

"I told you"

After the pageant was over, Mary, her friend Kevin, Stephanie and her friend Quinn and I all went to Applebee's. The three cute girl to two nerd guy ratio completely threw me off so I spent the entire night hiding in the corner.

As is often the case when women congregate, the topic of boys came up, and from my corner I heard Stephanie say, "I really like an assertive guy"

Strike three. And I'm out.

Since Stephanie was gracious enough to let me use her picture for this blog entry I'm going to go ahead and post a link to her Miss America donation page. You don't have to kick in on my account. Do it for Stephanie. Do it for the tax break. Do it for the kids. Most importantly, do it for Harley.

Dad steps up to the plateMom knocks it out the park

2009-03-04T06:37:00.001-07:00

My dad is a Harley riding, tequila drinking man's man who was in the Air Force for 20 years as an F-15 simulator bad ass. He grew up on a farm, and mostly spent his time stirring up trouble. My mother on the other hand is an ex-principal who works for community services, and was raised in a very strict baptist family. She was a stay at home mother for a few years, and the main caregiver for the family.

Now that I write it out this way, it makes complete sense that my dad is the one constantly reminding us to watch our language, behave, and drive carefully. When I say "us" I generally mean, "my mother." It's not that she curses like a sailor or gets out of hand. It's just that when it comes to a game of "How far are we going to take this joke?", my mother is the champion. The undisputed champion.

While everyone in my family loves to push the limits without crossing the line, my mother is the proud owner of property far far on the other side.

About 2 years ago my dad, brother and I were going to Quizno's for dinner.

"Just use this door over here" my brother said, pointing to a closer, easy to miss side door.

"Oh. Back door huh?" I quipped, quoting the great Han Solo from Return of the Jedi.

"Back in my day we called that the old dirt road" dad added without missing a beat as he walked up to the door, now by himself.

My brother and I had stopped dead in our tracks. While my dad is very quick witted and amusing, he never ever makes jokes that are dirty, or sexual in nature. It was something I'd never seen from him, and something I haven't seen again since.

I've never been more proud in my life.

Back in June of 2008, I had been dating Roseann for about 2 months. Despite the initial hiking trip, things were going well and we had progressed to a point where I was ready to introduce my family to her. More importantly I was ready to introduce her to them. My family tends to get a bit silly when everyone is together, but I figured she'd have to face them eventually if things were to work out.

The typical meet the parents jitters were in full effect for Roseann and she spent the majority of the time quietly listening, and answering the onslaught of my family's questions.

Nobody seemed to care too much, except for my mom. She pulled me aside midway through dinner and asked if she had embarassed me in any way. I reassured her that everything was fine.

I write a public blog about every stupid thing I've ever said to a woman. What could possibly embarrass me?

At this point some friends came in and surprised us. They had come through the side door.

"Oh, the old dirt road?" Miranda said, barely able to get her joke out through her own laughter.

Roseann looked confused, and I quickly launched in to the story of "The Old Dirt Road". My dad was out of earshot, but mom, now 2-3 glasses of wine in to the night followed along intently. As I hit the punch line and everyone began laughing, a wistful look of rememberence washed over mom's face. She leaned back in her chair, lifted up her glass of wine, as if toasting to a higher power and said, "Oh... the back seat of that old '57 Ford"

The Liang Prank

2009-02-24T21:14:00.001-07:00

Back in October, my coworker Liang was sent to Romania for a one month assignment. For him it was an opportunity to check out Europe and try out a new work place. For Sean it was the opportunity to pull the prank of a lifetime. We quickly assembled a team of super nerds from around the office and began plotting.

The "Plan" as viewed on Liang's new Newton.

Liang is the very proud owner of a three monitor set up. As I noted in The Developer Trap, monitors are at a premium around the office, and Liang loves to point out that he has three. We began by taking all of the technology out of his office and filling it with old and antiquated equipment. Whenever possible, something made by Apple was used since Liang has a bigger man-crush on Steve Jobs than I do on Steve Nash.

Liang also owns a large stuffed rabbit that sits in his office. We once considered an intervention, or at least investigation, but eventually decided that it's better to just not ask questions.

For my part of the prank, we stole the bunny and hid it in a ceiling tile. I then made several ransom note style newspaper cutout messages to lead him on a scavenger hunt from one point to the next. A cardboard X was taped to his window, and at 3 PM, the X would cast a shadow on the floor of where he should search.

Liang hates having the windows in his office open. You'd think having an office in one of the few Phoenecian sky scrapers would be incentive enough to look outside, but Liang stays true to his nerd roots and avoids the sunlight like the nosferatu.

We were going to steal and hide the blinds, but eventually decided that leaving them open with a surprise waiting would be a better decision. We printed out a large photo of us holding the bunny, cut it in to tiny strips, and placed it on his blinds so that when they were opened the picture wouldn't be noticed. When the blinds were then closed, the picture would reveal itself.

Sean wanted Liang to take it in the face like a boxer who doesn't know how to block, so we took a large, battery operated nerf gun and rigged it to go off when the door was opened. This would also trigger an 80's style tape deck which would then beging playing this song.

A bungee cord was then secured to the door to make sure he wouldn't immediately shut it to block the oncoming nerf barrage.

The final part of the plan was packing peanuts.

Lots and lots of packing peanuts.

It took two full nights after work to set up the joke. A webcam was placed inside of Liang's office, and on the morning of his return from his long trip it was set to broadcast to the our 50+ coworkers who were all "in" on the joke.

As he turned the handle and the door flew out of his hand I could hear a loud obsenity shouted from the general direction of his office. He immediately jumped back and out of range. Like a newborn baby, he stood for a few moments, his brain not fully registering what his eyes were seeing.

After inspecting and cleaning for a few hours, he finally had a path made to his desk.

"At least I can finally get some work done, maybe answer some emails" he told me as we returned from lunch.

It was at this point that he shut his blinds.

As I walked back towards my office I heard an exasperated nerd sigh, "You got the bunny too?"

A few notes:

The webcam feed was saved, but unfortunately the sound was not. You can view it here, although there's not much to see.
The packing peanuts were a bit of an optical illusion. The illusion can be seen here. Still, it was about 100 dollars worth of packing peanuts. Were you fooled? He certainly was.
You can see the full set of pictures on my flickr account here.
Next to Steve Nash, Sean is my vote for Canadian of the year. Make sure you let him know if you enjoyed the prank.

Re-Shaq-ulous

2009-02-20T23:59:00.004-07:00

You'll have to excuse the slightly self serving nature of this post. I'd like to have something better put together, but today has been go-go-go nonstop, and yet I feel the need to say something.

I've re-written this post about three times now, but how do you follow something like Shaq? When I sent the story to Basketbawful and True Hoop this morning, I thought maybe I'd get a few extra hits, and maybe someone would enjoy the story. Turns out I did get a few more than my typical 30-70 hits:

I wanted to take a minute to thank everyone for the emails, nice comments, and "tweets". I hope to spend some time this weekend responding to everyone I can, but no promises. Despite my tongue-in-cheek bitching, I figure maybe I'll give this thing a shot. Feel free to follow me and tell me I'm a dork:
http://twitter.com/jessebearden

And please tell Sean he has a big head:
http://twitter.com/cannuk

My email is on the right(As is my twitter now), so feel free to say hi.

Goodnight to the nerd-o-sphere, and congrats to Shaq and the Suns on the win. The Big Diesel's line for the night?

22 points, 9 boards, 36,986 hits.

Finally, A Use for Twitter

2009-02-19T21:29:00.009-07:00

Sean informed me a few days ago that he had been following "The Real Shaq" on twitter.

"You realize that 'The Real Shaq' is probably a 5'4 White, 14 year old emo kid who's getting his jolly's from the attention, right?" I asked him.

"I don't know. I think it's really him"

Today Sean and I were discussing rumored trade situations over IM, and the possibility of Shaq being traded to Cleveland.

"Well, I just got a twitter from The Real Shaq, and he's at 5 & Diner right now," Sean informed me.

"Let's go then" I said, assuming that I'd finally put this "Real Shaq" crap to rest.

Twenty minutes later we were pulling up to the restaurant and looking for the big black truck that he's rumored to drive around town. "Maybe that's it" Sean said, pointing at an older, but nice Van and laughing. As we pulled up I saw the Superman symbol on the grill.

Maybe that is it?

We went in, and to my surprise the MDE(Most Dominant Ever) was sitting in the corner booth by himself. We gave the man a nod and "Hey" as we walked to our table and were soon whispering back and forth like 12 year old girls at the 7th grade dance.

"You go talk to him" I said, while tugging nervously on my dress.
"No, you go talk to him" Sean replied while flipping his hair.

We placed our order, and spent 10 minutes trying to work up the sack to go say something.

"Should I tell him I'm glad he's sticking around?"
"Go tell him you're his twitter buddy"
"Should I ask for a picture?"

Given another 2-3 years, I'm sure we would have worked up the nerve to go talk to him, but before that could happen Sean's iPhone buzzed with a "tweet" from Shaq.

I feel twitterers around me, r there any twitterers in 5 n diner wit me, say somethin

"Hey" Sean said, with a slight bit of confidence.

Returning to our hushed whispers I asked Sean, "Should we go talk to him now?"
"I don't know, should we?"

"Yes, you should" a very deep voice entered our conversation from 2 booths over.

We quickly hopped up and rushed over like like two eight year olds who had just heard the ice cream truck pass by.

"I know it's dorky man, but can I get a pic with you?" I asked, slightly intimidated.

"Of course" he said, "Pull up a seat" The behemoth slid over and patted the booth next to him. As I pulled out my phone to take a picture he snatched it out of my hand and inspected it.

"What's this got? Windows Mobile?"
"Um... yeah"

Doing my best to look tall. Thanks for slouching, Shaq.

He gave it the once over before handing it back and showing off his Google Phone. We talked for a bit, and snapped a photo for both Sean and me before shaking hands and returning to our table. I almost got the feeling he wanted us to hang out, but we didn't really want to push our luck.

"Make sure you put that on your web page" he said as we walked away.

After he'd left, our young waiter came over. We asked if Shaq had actually eaten anything since his table was empty when we'd gone over.

"He ordered like 20 dollars worth of food" the kid stammered out, obviously thrilled to be talking about it, "And he left me a 160 dollar tip. Then he asked for a Sprite and gave me forty bucks for it."

Sean and the big Shaq-tus.

We got back to the office, and saw that Shaq's last twitter was basically calling us a bunch of panzies:

To all twitterers , if u c me n public come say hi, we r not the same we r from twitteronia, we connect

Not to be outdone "The Real Nash" wrote:

Diesel, 5 n diner has great chili and milkshakes but i know you're on a diet so you had a salad!!

Twitter accounts for: Sean and Jesse. Feel free to follow us.

Five Lines or Less

2009-02-11T01:07:00.004-07:00

You're currently reading this post for one of a few reasons. Please read the appropriate section, and only the appropriate section, for a personalized message just for you!

You're a loyal supporter of the blog, and read everything I post-

Mom,

How's your work day going? I'm considering going out of town this weekend, but if I don't, wanna hang out and maybe catch a movie?

Jesse

You received something in the mail with this web address-

Dear Sir/Madam,

I'm sorry. You were probably hoping it was some romantic gesture from that boy/girl you've been crushing on for the past few weeks, and it turns out to be a gift from a short nerd living in Phoenix. I would have fully explained on the card, but they only give you 5 lines to use on those things. How ridiculous is that? Asking me to write something that short is like asking Tim Burton to direct something bright, shiney and fluffy. It's just not possible.

The reason you received something in the mail is most likely because someone entered you in my contest (click here to view the contest). I'm sorry to say that you didn't win the grand prize, but as I'm currently not paying girlfriend tax I thought it appropriate to send out some consolation gifts. I hope you enjoy them.

Jesse

You did a Google search for anyone famous I've written about and the word "feet"-

Dear Sir/Madam,

The number of hits I get each day for "Felicia Day Feet" and "Shirley Manson Feet" is getting out of hand. My blog name has the word "foot" in it and apparently Google is smart enough to translate that to "feet". I respect that everyone has their "thing". I myself like short nerdy girls, but I'm not out constantly Googling around looking for them. Knock it off.

Jesse

Okay okay, kidding aside, the contest is over and the stuff has been sent. I'm surprised by how many people were curious about it, so I created this mini-faq:

Q. Did I win?

A. Short answer: No.

Long answer: Nobody actually won. Somebody will receive the "big prize" though. That person gave me a very solid reason to send him/her flowers, and as such I did. It just wasn't necessarily contest related.

Q. So you ran a contest, got everyone to enter, and then changed the rules?

A. Not exactly. I stuck to the letter of the rules, and one of the entrants will receive flowers. Others may receive a consolation prize. I hope that everyone is happy in the end. That's the point after all.

Q. So who did get the "big prize"?

A. I'm not telling. If he/she wants to discuss it publicly here be my guest.

Q. But I got flowers. That means I'm the winner?

A. Not unless there's an absolutely horrible poem attached to them.

Q. Did you send that poor inmate something?

A. No. While the whole thing was rather amusing, even I have limits as to the amount of potential crazy I'll invite in to my life.

Q. So when does this "consolation" prize arrive?

A. Having something arrive on Saturday was like 15-25 bucks more, so "prizes" should be arriving between now and Friday.

Q. The consolation prize is probably something crappy right?

A. Probably

Happy Valentine's day everyone.

Nerd Her Word(s): Boyfriend Tax

2009-02-10T11:34:00.002-07:00

Note from the editor: My friend Nikki posted this as a response to my entry about Girlfriend Tax. It's pretty solid, so I'm cleaning it up and posting it.

If I'm reading it correctly she's saying the average woman will oftentimes willingly trade sex for money. I believe there's a word for that, but I don't recall at the moment.

Boyfriend Tax
- noun

1. The physical activities that a woman feels obligated to perform as repayment of girlfriend tax.

[ Origin: Nikki, apparently ]

- usage
1. “OMG…you will not believe how tired and sore I am this morning”
“Why? Did you stay up late again last night?”
“Yes, Tommy still thinks that I owe him BF tax to pay him back from the trip to New York last month”
“Really? I thought he did that to be spontaneous and romantic?”
“Please, you should know that he only spent the GF tax just to get some BF tax”

2. “I’ve had to go to the chiropractor 6 times in the last month because of the BF tax I’ve been putting out”

- see also

Girlfriend Tax

Nerd Word(s): Girlfriend Tax

2009-02-08T23:28:00.009-07:00

Girlfriend Tax
- noun

1. The extra amount of money spent just by having a girlfriend.

[ Origin: I have no idea. I'm thinking Marloue though ]

- usage
1. "How come Liang didn't want to come to lunch with us?"
"He's been trying to cut down on costs."
"Oh, that's right. He's got that trip to NY, and then that trip to Miami next month."

"Yeah. Girlfriend tax is hitting him hard."

2. "You know I'd kick in on the keg bro, but February is the worst month for GF tax and I'm tapped"

A Very Bailey Birthday

2009-02-04T16:32:00.004-07:00

Okay, this entry got a little out of hand length wise. I cut a bunch out, but I'm leaving a decent amount in. I can't tell you how thrilled I was to find someone who actually laughed at a joke I made. I probably should have proposed.

The thing about my family is that we all like joking around and being funny. And we're really funny. To each other. On our own, we're all a little bit obnoxious, but when we hang out together we Voltron our obnoxiousness into something else entirely. In private I'm usually the most vocal, but in public I tend to take the back seat and make sure it doesn't get too out of hand. I am, after all, the responsible one.

The other night my siblings, their respective others, Stacy(Without an e) and I went out for my birthday. I chose P.F. Chang's because I love the Mu Shu Chicken. I don't speak Chinese, but I feel quite confident in my assertion that Mu Shu is Chinese for "Burrito". The fun part is that they come out and make the burrito in front of you.

My brother Josh made sure to let our waitress Bailey know that we were going to be that table as soon as she came and introduced herself.

"We're all celebrating" he told her, "We lost our jobs today"
"Well, as long as you can still tip" she joked back.
"Tip?" I asked as if the word was new to me.
"Whoever runs the slowest gets to pay" Miranda's boyfriend Andrew added.

Bailey was freakishly cute, so I immediately hid under the table to avoid any accidental eye contact. The rest of my family kept up with the "funny", but she handled it well.

"Wow, you're a pro at this" my brother complimented as she wrapped my Mu Shu in to a nice little pocket.
"Don't call me that. I don't want to be a professional waitress" she said with a smile.
"Okay fine" I said, rolling my eyes and holding up my hands to make air quotes, "Actress"

Since she had other tables waiting I offered to help, "Want me to take care of those? I can't do the fancy fold, but I can roll them in to tacos"

"If you rolled it in to a taco it'd be a burrito" she shot back without missing a beat.

"Yeah, stupid" my ever-supportive sister chimed in.

By the time dessert came around Bailey had been putting up with our crap for quite some time, so I offered to let her have my complimentary birthday dessert. She declined so I asked her to surprise me with something and got up to use the restroom.

When I returned, the not-professional waitress was standing over my seat and lighting a green candle in a thing of cheesecake. She didn't see me come back so I pulled up a chair from a neighboring table and sat down beside her.

"Oh, it's got green stuff all around the bottom now" she said, referring to the wax that had been melting.
She still wasn't aware of my presence when I responded, "Don't worry, I've got some pills that will fix that up."
"Oh. You're a quick one" Bailey laughed.

After she left I asked my sister, "Do you think I should tell her to hold on to the candle? You know, for her scrapbook. For when she tells the story of how we met to our kids."

She returned a few minutes later and asked, "Do you want that last Mu Shu boxed up to go?"

I don't normally take leftovers because I have a tendency to just let them stink up my fridge for a week before finally relenting and throwing them out. She didn't give me a chance to answer though.

"I worked hard folding those things up. It's going home in a bag with you, or in your belly."

"You know what. I think I will take that home after all. It is a lovely Mu Shu."

I felt pretty bad about the amount of crap we had put the girl through, so after everyone left I slipped another twenty on to the table and headed for the parking lot. By that time the Chang's was empty, and there were just employees left.

One of the cars in the parking lot was empty but had its headlights on, so I walked back in to let someone know. The hostess was long gone, and the front deserted, so I walked back towards our table to find Bailey clearing it off.

"You forgot something" she said before I had a chance to speak. My heart? How did you.. She held up the doggie bag of Mu Shu.

Oh yeah. In my attempt to be decent and leave an extra tip I'd completely spaced on the leftovers."Thanks. Someone left their car lights on by the way. I would assume it's an employee here since the place is empty."

"Oh, I'll let them know. You didn't have to leave the extra tip. Thank you though"

"Well, you didn't have to put up with our shit. Thank you."

"Happy Birthday"

I told my sister the postscript to the story over the phone while driving home.

"You know," she explained, "if you had grown a set and asked her for her number, worst case, you'd be driving home alone right now."

25 things

2009-02-02T00:07:00.006-07:00

In my post Super Bowl depression I decided to do something I've never done before. I filled out an Internet survey/meme. I'm usually very much against these kinds of things, but as many people on Facebook that I know did it, and I found them interesting, I decided to go ahead and participate.

In my general fashion, I wrote more than most do, but I tried to add things that not many people know about me. There's at least one item that I don't think anyone knows, so hopefully someone enjoys this. Maybe some of these will turn in to real blog entries some time, but probably not.

1. I spent ages 3-7 in Germany. While I forgot the language over the years, my mother claims that I spoke German in my sleep for many years after the fact.

2. One summer in my youth, faced with no new Nintendo games, or money to purchase them, my best friend and I started making video game challenges to each other. In one of these challenges, I successfully beat Super Mario using only my big toes.

Yes, I realize how big of a dork I am.

3. I once ran a half mile through downtown Phoenix half naked with big goofy hat on for a bet. I lost the bet, but Matt was decent enough to buy me an Ultimate Cheeseburger at Jack in the Box as a consolation prize.

4. a. I once fit 6 oreos in my mouth at once and successfully ate them without spitting them out on a bet.

b. My entire fist will fit inside my mouth.

5. I'll do almost anything on a bet for laughs.

6. In my college years I decided to write a screenplay. One of the key figures in my movie was to be a character who's parents died in a horrific accident. He wins a huge insurance settlement and promptly heads to Vegas. During a comedic hypnotist show, the hypnotist dies. The character is left changing personalities whenever a bell rings or whistle blows throughout the movie.

Halfway through writing this movie, Office Space by Mike Judge came out. In it, the main character is hypnotized to relax, and the hypnotist dies. I quit writing movies after that.

7. My arms and hands are double jointed. I can place my hand on a table and rotate it a full 360 degrees. My thumbs and wrist bend funny as well. I can clap with one hand(In two different ways). I'm also able to lick my elbow, which some claim is "impossible".

8. In a doubles ping pong tournament at work I was paired up with the owner of my company, "Buzzsaw". I convinced him that we should dress up in tights and bumble bee outfits to "throw our opponent off". We would be the "Buzzsaw Bumble Bees" Eventually he agreed. We ended up pitted against a team that wasn't easily shaken and lost 21-19. We promptly signed the outfits and "retired" them on the wall in his executive office.

He's since left the company, and my bumble bee outfit hangs on my office wall to this day.

9. For 3 years I wrote flight simulator software for fighter jets for the Air Force. While I did get to do some cool things in that time, it was overall a far less exciting job than writing printer software, which I do now.

10. From ages 11-14 I saved 1000 dollars to purchase my first PC, which was really the catalyst for my current profession.

11. As a child I had a terrible temper. My brother drove me absolutely crazy. Since growing up, the exact opposite is true. I've only yelled at someone once in the last 15 years that I remember, and I don't think I've lost my temper in that time. It's so bad that most of my friends are thrilled when they see me even mildly upset.

12. I've never been drunk in my life. I only drink under very very special circumstances.

The most I've ever had to drink was an entire beer on my friend Stacy's birthday. Her friend Megan had passed out in the restroom, and after the fact someone ordered her another round. I decided it wasn't a good idea for her to have another, so when she was distracted and looking the other way I drank the entire thing. She never noticed.

13. There is absolutely no reason for #12, although #12 and #11 are probably related. In my adulthood the idea of losing control is a bit scary, and something I'd rather avoid. I do however like to make up stories as to why I don't drink, since "I don't want to" is unacceptable for most.

14. I'm usually more amusing when consumed in digital fashion. While I'm a fairly smart little dude, my brain is more of the "slow and steady" kind. I usually get to the right answer, but I'm not nearly as quick witted as most. I compensate for this by having most situation/jokes planned out ahead of time.

15. I once found myself face to face with my long time crush Shirley Manson(Lead singer of Garbage) before a concert. In my complete shock, the best I could come up with was to offer her the hamburger I was about to eat. Of course I even failed at saying this as I said it so low under my breath that she didn't even hear me. It was probably for the best.

16. In college, tired of people asking what kind of girl was "my girl", I started replying that all I wanted was a "Little Redheaded Girl". This was a reference to Charlie Brown.

Oddly enough, a few months later I wound up with a crush on a short redheaded girl. Somehow, the joke has stuck.

17. I'm a huge Nintendo fan, but not crazy enough to wait in line for many things. When the Wii came out, I found a target distribution list online, and went to a Target in the north valley that for some reason was getting over 100. I arrived 30 minutes before the store opened, and got one with plenty of room to spare.

18. I wrestled my sophomore year in high school, but was unable to get my weight over 93 lbs. The lowest weight class 103, and I lost every match. At one match, the opposing team didn't have anyone in my weight class, and they offered to let me wrestle a weight class up, against a girl. When I saw her snarling and hitting herself in the head before the match, I declined to wrestle the girl who out weighed me by over 20 lbs.

19. I was a lifeguard/cashier for 3 years during the summers of high school. Despite my small size I was an exceptionally strong swimmer, and enjoyed besting the big strong jocks at most of the life guarding challenges. After those 3 years, I don't really enjoy the pool that much.

20. I delivered pizza for 2 years, and still consider it one of, if not the best jobs I've ever had. Since that time, I don't really enjoy Pizza Hut pizza.

21. As a kid I had numerous tests run on me to figure out why I was so short. This included monthly examination of my little boy parts, and frequent blood drawing. After years and years of this they finally told me, "You're just short"

22. In high school I designed and built a hovercraft that didn't completely function. After I got a real job and had the money I purchased a gas powered blower and made one that worked.

23. I was born a month early with a double hernia, which wasn't repaired until I was a year of age. My mother says I have a big chest due to the constant crying.

24. When I was very young we had an Atari, and one night my dad forgot to tuck me in because he was busy playing Pac-Man. I was quite upset and on that day decided that I hated video games and would never play them myself. Boy was I wrong.

25. I tend to write a lot when I sit down to write on the computer. I jokingly say it's because I type really fast, but the real answer is probably that I'm overcompensating for my height.

I'm sorry.

Nerd Games: The Free Flowers (Year 2)

2009-01-27T17:17:00.007-07:00

Given that it's now almost February, the chances of me having a Valentine reside statistically in the "Not Probable" range. I believe I've given or sent flowers for at least 7 or 8 years running now, and it seems a shame to let the streak end.

Given that, and my motto that every girl deserves flowers on Valentine's, I've decided to open up the free flowers competition again. The rules are the same as last year.

1. Nominate someone to get flowers. Write a reason/explanation, or don't. I don't care. A good reason helps your chances though.

2. I'll pick a winner and pay for and send flowers. I'll also write a very crappy poem which you can help with if you'd like.

3. Contest ends on the 9th.

*I reserve the right to half ass it like I did last year if I get a slight case of death again.

Here are some sample entries that I just made up to get you started:

I think you should send flowers to my wife, because her husband is a jerk.

A dozen roses to Ruthie that read:
Dear Ruthie,
Please move back to 11-L so that Jesse has something to write about.
Love, Sesquipedalis Readers

Send flowers to Leyda with a card that reads, "Happy Valentine's - James Franco"

Par for the Course: Part 2

2009-01-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday I found myself in need of a quick lunch. The other nerds let me know that they were going to "Blue Fin", a semi-well known downtown Japanese Restaurant. My problem with Blue Fin is that it has the worst chicken I've eaten in my life. On the up side, there are no stray cats in the area.

Given my dislike of the BF, I grabbed the iPod and headed off to ZPizza. It was, after all, Italian pizza day, and I love the Italian pizza(Without tomatoes).

As I stepped in I noticed the cute girl was behind the counter, which usually causes me to over think the next few moments, and how they will play out. Before I had time to think of something ~~witty~~ stupid to say she jumped a bit, threw her arm behind her head and did a slight ants-in-the-pants kind of dance. Or maybe it was a jig. I'm not sure.

At 31 years of age, there's not a lot that surprises me, but this definitely did. Combined with my complete fear of women I stood for a moment, perplexed.

"Uhm..."

About 30 seconds later I realized my head was now rotating itself slightly to the left, much like a puppy that stares at you and obviously doesn't understand.

"Hmmm..."

"That was the weirdest thing," She finally took the lead, "A bobby pin just fell out of my hair and down the back of my shirt."

Well that makes some sense.

"Oh..." I responded, "I just thought you were excited that I was here"

And nothing. No chuckle. No laugh. Nothing of the courtesy variety. Nothing from the pity family. Just nothing.

The best part was I had yet to place my order.

Nerd Word(s): E-Flirting UPDATE!

2009-01-19T11:22:00.004-07:00

A while back I wrote a Nerd Word(s) entry for "E-Flirting" and used some pretty piss poor examples. I mean really, one of you should have punched me in the gut and let me know that that sort of D- effort wasn't okay. A real friend would have.

Today I have a better example. Click for the full image:

The Double No-No

2009-01-14T21:40:00.000-07:00

Meeting girls is a bit tough for me. I approach women with the eloquence and articulation of (soon-to-be-ex) President Bush giving a speech on nuclear power. Sure, I get the basic idea across, but in the end I just end up looking like an idiot.

One of my (many) issues in the dating scene is that I approach all new relationships as a potential friend. Despite evidence to the contrary in this blog, it takes me a while to actually form a real desire for someone, and I tend to keep it on the level longer than the average guy.

This can be quite off putting for the women of my age who have spent the past decade and a half fighting off drunken party boys like Aragorn to Orcs at the Battle of Helm's deep.

With that in mind I put up a profile on a "Social Networking" website. I'm somewhat wittier when taken in digital form, and it's more or less impossible to take an online relationship at the wrong pace.

About a month ago I exchanged a few emails online with a girl named Maureen. She was a super cute girl who seemed smart, age appropriate, and above all else pleasant. And that was the issue. There was no real spark.

Maureen seemed very much to be looking for a significant other where I was looking for a friend, possibly a hiking buddy, and maybe somewhere down the road something more. While my daily thought process usually doesn't extend past lunch, I have a feeling that she was the girl who had most of her wedding already planned. You know that girl. She already owns the dress and has yet to get the ring. In some rare cases she's already picked out a school for the kids. By the way, you're having two. Their names are Addison and Fuller.

Her insistence on being serious made the conversation difficult - getting off the island in Lost difficult. The emails consisted of her asking "deal breaker" type questions and me responding with jokes and smart ass comments.

Maureen,
I gotta ask up front what you have against divorced guys. Bad experience in the past? Is it a blanket rule? I myself have never been married. I'm just curious why the strict rules. Seems like you might have a hard time finding a guy who's never married, no kids, and doesn't drink a little on a regular basis.

That being said, I'm a 31 year old guy who's never been married, doesn't have kids, and I've actually never even been drunk before in my life. Most people who meet me think I must be Mormon or super religious since I'm a bit on the straight and narrow on those sorts of things (if you catch my meaning). I'm not though. I'm Agnostic.

Soon enough she asked if I'd like to meet, and as she seemed mostly harmless, I agreed to meet her at the Starbuck's at the local out door mall. I arrived promptly at the arranged time to find the the Starbuck's both closed and deserted.

My nerdy side was beaming as I whipped out the phone and Google reported another Starbuck's a solid 150 feet to the East.

Karma is getting you for that Lewis Black article.

I arrived at the second Starbuck's five minutes later to find it... both closed and deserted. I waited another 20 minutes before calling it a loss and heading home. I had given Maureen my phone number, but as she had not reciprocated, I was out of options.

I had been stood up.

The phone chirped with an email from Maureen as I was on my way home. She had forgotten my number at home, but was still in the area. A phone call and 10 minutes later we met at the gelato place down the street. She was slightly looser in real life than the emails had been, but the conversation was still overly formal and therefore quite difficult - Solomon's Key difficult.

We parted ways an hour later, and I left realizing that the evening had not gone well. For good measure, the next day I sent an email offering to take her hiking or some other activity. It was my hope that maybe something a little more active would loosen the tension, but her reply read simply:

Jesse,

You're a really nice guy, but not the one for me.

I had been stood up and shut down by the same girl.

Nerd Word(s): The No-No

2009-01-12T09:32:00.003-07:00

The No-No
- noun

1. A denial or shutdown

[ Origin: While I'm sure the saying is common in sports vernacular, it was brought to my lexicon by Erik]

- usage
1. "Manu Ginobili went up for the shot, but Amare gave him the no-no and knocked it 6 rows in to the crowd."
2. "I finally beat Bowser on world 4-4, but instead of the princess, all I got was the no-no"

- disambiguation

Not to be confused with the no-no naughty-spot.

Postpartum: Part 1

2009-01-01T14:52:00.000-07:00

So, I decided to try something a little different.

"I have one of your old stories from high school" my good friend Laura said to me a few months back.

My what?

"It's something called the Gumshoe Detective. It's funny"

Oh, that.

I had all but forgotten. I had written a few comical type short stories in school and given them to my friends. I couldn't bring myself to read it now. I can't imagine what 15 year old Jesse thought was amusing. In retrospect, it was probably more mature and well written than what 31 year old Jesse writes.

Three years ago I wrote a long and drawn out email to a friend about my mom introducing me to a girl who turned out to be a lesbian. I thought the story was sort of amusing so I posted it where some friends could read, and then to my myspace account.

At the time I was badgering two of my best friends(Rose and Adam) to each start a blog. I find them both extremely amusing, and writing just wasn't my thing. When they wouldn't get on board, I finally decided to do it myself.

Two and a half years later I've got 169 entries in a blog that's changed a lot, but at the same time stayed mostly the same. Over the years I've come a long way in my writing ability, but I'm still a long ways from anything resembling "presentable".

When I think about it, it all goes back to that cheesy story I wrote half a lifetime ago. Mostly real, with a bit of a drama. Too much inner monologue. Too many bad similes. Lots and lots of bad jokes.

After having written out a story about my mom and my umbrella, I decided it needed a little "something more" and decided to go back to my roots. Surprisingly, that relatively short entry became three bloated entries with very little content. In a way it seemed fitting.

Part 2 also had the worst joke I think I've ever written. Bonus points to those who found it.

Thanks to everyone who's stuck with me over the year(s). Hopefully I'll think of something exciting to write about soon.

In the meantime I recommend you check out the following blogs from people who are far more talented than I am -

1. Low Life Bastard - Larry hasn't written in a while, but if you haven't read through the archives, you're really missing out. Stop by and tell him to get his ass back on the blog.

2. Extensive Vamping - The "day to day" blog from Stefi, the writer of Bores and Whores. She has a dryness and sarcasm that often leaves me questioning which part of the joke is funny, and which part of the joke is actually on me.

3. Chicago Jo - One of my latest blog crushes. Despite evidence to the contrary, I'm convinced that Jo is a 45 year old bald fat man wearing a cheeto stained wife beater surfing the Internet and up to no good.

Jesse B and the Case of the Missing Umbrella(Part 3)

2008-12-04T00:29:00.001-07:00

August 25th - EXT Bearden Household - Noon
As I pulled up to the house I had spent many of my high school years in I noticed Liz outside. She was midway through unloading her car, which was filled with the week's groceries. Her face lit up to see me.

She'd tell you it was because she was happy to see her son, but any chump who wasn't born yesterday would tell you she was happy to have someone to chip in on the chore. It's a little known scientific fact that when the doctor cuts the umbilical cord to a woman's first born, she is immediately endowed with the knowledge of how to lay a guilt trip. They don't teach that in high school biology class, but there's a lot they don't teach you in school.

We exchanged pleasantries, and I was soon unloading enough red wine to drop a circus elephant. As the last item was lifted from the trunk of her car I turned and paused. Out of the corner of my eye I had noticed something shiny and white in the back of the garage. Further investigation revealed that it was the umbrella. The umbrella. The one that this woman claimed to have never seen had been resting 3 feet from where she parked her car every night.

A lesser man may have exploded at this revelation, but that's a rookie mistake. Throughout my career I had learned that situations such as this call for a certain finesse.

"Are. You. Kidding me?" I stammered as I put down the box I was holding and picked up the item in question. "Remember last week when I asked you if you'd seen an umbrella?"

"Oh" she said innocently, with a genuine look of surprise, "That umbrella?"

Um yeah. We live in a city where it rains -2 inches a year. How many umbrellas have you seen?

"Uh. Yeah. That's the one. Have you seen the other?"

"Of course!" she replied, suddenly perky and happy to be helpful. She walked to the car and pulled the umbrella's twin from the back seat. "You know... I thought it was odd that it didn't have a handle"

Rant of the Day: Black Comedians

2008-11-21T16:20:00.003-07:00

I was driving in to work today when it struck me. I just don't like Black comedy.

I'm not so narrow minded to say all Blacks are the same, but of the comedians that I could think of off the top of my head, they all shared some characteristics, most of which just don't appeal to me.

1. Angry - Everyone loves angry comedy, and I'm no exception. The "Rant of the Day" series was founded on that fact. For me this is a parody of angry comedy of sorts. As anyone who knows me will attest, aside from the cancellation of Arrested Development back in 2006, I haven't been angry in a decade.

The problem here is that the Blacks are angry, but not funny. They've got the build up, but no delivery. I'm always left waiting for that home run hit, and quite frankly it rarely, if ever, comes.

2. Cursing - The Blacks love to curse. It's one of the foundations of their comedic style. Again, so do I. But here's the deal. You can't throw sugar on a pile of turds and call it apple pie. The F word adds emphasis. It does not add funny. This is a common Black mistake.

3. The Let Down - I touched upon this in #1, but one of the biggest issues is the let down. For years I honestly thought that I loved Black comedy. One of them would come on the screen and I'd be the first to yell out, "Man, I love this guy. He does a rant about Starbucks that is hysterical." 5 minutes later I'd be thinking, "I remembered that bit being funnier."

4. Ego - The Blacks always think that they're the best. They're either the foremost commentator on everything, or some kind of wonderboy, but the Blacks always think they're the best. This ends up being a key point of their comedy. In most cases it's so far from the truth that it's not even funny.

Let's take a step back now, and look at two of the biggest Black comedians in the world today. I'm of course referring to Lewis and Jack.

Lewis I remember first seeing on Comedy Central's Daily Show and thinking, "Man, this guy is awesome. He's so angry. He's so observant." As years went by I finally realized that he was really just filler in between the Jon Stewart bits. He didn't even one up Kilborn, and that's just depressing in retrospect.

Here's an example of Lewis's comedic genius as he explains how to stimulate the economy(Use of the F word may make it not safe for work):

Jack on the other hand I first heard in a little band named, "Tenacious D". The concept was pretty simple. Take a few guys who'd never make it in rock and have them think that they're rock gods. Their first song "The Greatest Song in the World" was actually pretty solid. Unfortunately for Jack, it was all downhill from there.

In his last movie, "Tropic Thunder" Jack was out-funnied by Ben Stiller. That's like losing a marathon race to Heather Mills.

Jesse B and the Case of the Missing Umbrella(Part 2)

2008-11-18T22:34:00.001-07:00

August 19th - INT Bearden Household - Dusk
"Well, I don't know where they possibly could be" the woman stated without hesitation. If she did know the location of the umbrellas, she wasn't telling me. I had ransacked the entire house and found both the lights and the bulbs, but the umbrellas, the final pieces to the kit, were nowhere to be found.

My only lead was the woman standing in front of me. She was a middle aged dame with a mother's face. It'd seen joy, laughter, good times and bad. Her birth certificate read Elizabeth Ann, but around these parts she was known as Liz, AKA Lizzy, AKA Dizzy, AKA Big L. This broad had more handles than a broom shop, but to me she was known simply as "Mom".

And today "Mom" was fresh out of answers. I had grilled her for a good twenty as to the whereabouts of the umbrellas but she was steadfast in her argument that she hadn't seen them.

She wasn't lying. At least not to her knowledge. I know lying.

Jesse B and the case of the Fortunate Cookie
It was back in aught six when I got an urgent telegram from a Mr. and Mrs. Ying. Their daughter had been missing for a month and they wanted me to find her. Sure, it seemed odd that a well to do Chinese family would offer me a sizable amount to find their daughter, but times were tough and the heat still had to get paid. When you ain't got two pennies to rub together for warmth it's time to get off your ass and make something happen.

I spent two weeks searching Xi'an, the capital of Shaanxi looking for Lai. Turns out the sassy skirt had run away from dad's overbearing discipline and turned up working wangs for a few Yuan at a local gentleman's club. While a decent number of the men in that town had gotten their happy ending, the Yings never did get their's

The trail had run cold. I had given up and gone to price replacements, but with economic times being what they were I wasn't ready to drop 60 clams on a pair of rain shields for a small project about a silly chair.

Dejected, I took the top down on the car and went for a drive. Maybe it was out of habit, or maybe it was 20 years of following my gut, but I ended up back at my parent's house.

Nerd Marloue Words: Metro-Grub

2008-11-12T06:58:00.000-07:00

Metro-Grub
- restaurant/verb

1. A downtown restaurant, particularly one with a trendy or hip style to it.

- distinguishing marks

Most Metro-Grub places will turn in to a bar late at night, and tend to have a wide assortment of food. A sure fire way to know that you'reMetro-Grubbing is the interesting choice of furniture(Such as a couch in the middle of a restaurant) and the abundance of feta. If the waiter asks what kind of bread you want your sandwich on and then lists "Pita" "Wrap" and "Panini" as your choices, then there's a good chance you're at a Metro-Grub restaurant.

[ Origin: My coworker Marloue used the word once to describe Switch, a new downtown eatery. ]

- usage
1. I'm thinking something light today. Wanna Metro-Grub?

- examples
1. Switch
2. Zoë's Kitchen
3. Fez
4. Maizie’s Café & Bistro
5. Delux Burger

Par For the Course

2008-11-12T05:36:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I had lunch at ZPizza. Z is a cool little Metro Grub Pizza joint that defies the MG stereotype by actually being priced somewhere in the affordable range. The mile distance from my office to Z is taken up by the "historic" Willo district of Phoenix, which is one of the few green and peaceful areas in the city. I generally grab the iPod and walk the distance on a day where the temperature is less than scorching.

My head was still back at the office as I ordered two slices of the daily special, but I quickly snapped back to the present after paying. As I turned around I realized there was an exceptionally cute girl behind me. She'd been there for a while, and I had surprisingly been too lost in my thoughts to get nervous and do something stupid.

I stepped outside for a moment to check for table availability on the patio and then back in after spotting the perfect seat. As I walked over to the bar where they set the orders I noticed the cute girl was standing over two slices of the daily special, patting them down with a napkin to remove any excess grease on the top. Since she had ordered after I did, it seemed likely that it was actually my pizza she was patting down like a TSA agent, but I was too busy wondering if we'd serve ZPizza at our wedding to be bothered. It would all be "our" pizza once we were married.

The girl looked up at me for a moment as if to say, "What are you staring at?" to which I just nodded.

"Catherine!" a Z employee announced as she set another plate with two slices of the delicious Italian pizza on the bar.

The cute girl, somewhat surprised, stared at the new plate for a moment. She then looked at me, and then back at the plate her left hand still clutched. I nodded again.

"Um... do you just want to take that one?" she asked, with a little bit of demand in her voice as she motioned to the new plate.

"I don't know. That one looks like it has less grease" I deadpanned and pointed at the other.

"Well... " she sighed with frustration, "You can have it if you want."

I gave up and went back outside to eat my lunch. As I walked past on my way back to the office I considered asking her how my pizza was, but decided to just drop it.

Jesse B and The Case of the Missing Umbrella(Part 1)

2008-11-04T05:08:00.001-07:00

There comes a time in every P.I.'s life when he ends up his own client. My pal Murray used to say, "Better a gumshoe who's his own client than a heart surgeon". Of course that was before Murray went to jail. A leggy blond with a huge rack hitting on a scrawny kid from Sausalito is about as out of place as Michael Phelps at a public pool wearing a pair of orange floaties, but Murray always did think with his lower brain. Until the cops fished her out, the blond spent the better part of a week at the bottom of the East River with a knife in her back, a gag in her mouth, and Murray's finger prints all over her like Amy Winehouse at a free meth handout. Murray? Well, Murray ended up getting a double life sentence despite the fact that it was an obvious set up.

The point is, when it's your ass on the line, when push comes to shove, that's when the real detectives are separated from the kids with the Fisher Price action detective play set. It's the time when the Holmes of the world show their stuff. The Columbos. The Magnums.

My first self client case wasn't anything quite so serious as a murder rap, but that didn't make it any easier. Any sleuth worth his salt will tell you that even the smallest mystery carries with it a certain urgency. Every folder you place in the U filing cabinet under "Unsolved" is reminder of your own failings. They weigh you down. They keep you up at night.

This particular case revolved around a unique missing item, or I should say set of missing items. Umbrellas in fact, but not just any umbrellas. These were those special white umbrellas they use when you go to a professional photog.

You see, in my younger days my associate Adam O and I had fancied ourselves pioneers in the independent movie market. We were young and full of dreams. It was a time of innocence, before the real world had chewed me up and spit me out a hardened man. Back then, every day was a new adventure and the world was my oyster. I don't see Adam much anymore. Not like the old days anyhow. He was seduced by a frisky frau from Berlin and has since taken up residency across the pond.

In our youth we'd saved and bought some doodads that we were sure would assist us on our way to our directorial destiny. Adam had a fancy Japanese made microphone, and I had purchased a professional lighting kit complete with umbrellas.

I had all but forgotten that lighting kit until an August afternoon many years later I had need of it once again. With the economy in a downturn and most people turning to Google for their answers, work had been slow. I found myself working key grip on the set of a motion picture titled, "How to Build a Chair". It was a small job, but it filled the space in between cases. Everything was ready to shoot except for the lights. The fluorescent bulbs of the set just weren't cutting the havarti, and we need something a little better. Something a little more professional.

When You Were Young

2008-10-27T14:34:00.005-07:00

Yeah yeah, sorry I've been slow to post. I'm still working on it, but in the mean time enjoy these photos.

I recently went through and scanned some old yearbook photos and thought I'd share.

Me in 1980.

Me in 1970. I look a little like Austin Powers here.

1968. I was actually up for the part of Davey Jones in the Monkees

1952. Before I won the big drag race against Kiniki.

1984

You can see the full set here

Go to www.yearbookyourself.com and make your own. Send me the pics!

Good Lines for the First Date

2008-10-02T10:58:00.002-07:00

I recently went on a date with a girl. The date itself didn't go that well. Generally speaking people are a little reserved when getting to know someone, but as the date mostly seemed like a bust my inner jackass came out.

The girl had mentioned that she had tried dating a girl in college, but it wasn't for her.

As we walked back to my car I used the remote to unlock the doors.

"Wow, that has really good range" she commented.
"Oh, well it's RF." I explained to a blank stare. "You know? RF? Radio Frequency"
"Oh."
I wasn't sure if "oh" meant she got it or not so I decided to explain further, "Yeah, the car can send it a message if the alarm goes off. It goes both ways, kind of like you back in college."

Rose Gets Married

2008-09-30T18:14:00.001-07:00

I've been on a bit of a hiatus lately, but today I realized that I had 0 posts in September, and that's just not cricket. So with that in mind I decided to buckle down and deliver a solid D- effort.

Back in late July I flew to Chicago to attend the wedding of Rose and Zach. I've known Rose since I was 20, and while we've had our ups and downs over the years, she's one of my best friends in the world. Zach I've only known for a few years, but if Rose hadn't snatched him up I'd have considered switching teams and making a move. I'm just saying Zach rocks.

The weekend itself was absolutely amazing. It was great to hang out with friends and spend some time relaxing. It was a little weird feeling like the 5th bridesmaid/gay best friend(Especially considering I'm straight), but I got over it quickly.

As there was no major, embarrassing story for the weekend the highlights will be presented in list format, partially because I'm lazy, partially because Rose loves lists.

I ended up sharing a hotel room with Sara which was awesome. Sara's pretty low key and easy to get along with. While the rest of the couples were running around doing couple-y type things I pretended Sara and I were dating. She may have been offended or put off, but much like my normal girlfriends, I didn't care what she thought. This is how she looked when she found out I'd be her roommate:

Wedding Bingo was actually a big hit. Rose ended up winning by bingo-ing first, but I feel like she may have stacked the deck a little. To be fair, Rose is a little like a Wookie in that sense and it's usually best just to let her win. I did however manage to come close to a black out.

I'm sort of amazing in a suit.

I kissed the bride before the groom did(Don't tell Zach)

There were a few spelling snafu's during the pre-wedding which many thought would push Rose over the edge.
During the reception a few of us were outside by the marquee when I commented, "Funny. The Ampersand is backwards"
"The case is open. You could, you know, fix it if it's bothering you so much" someone teased.
"I could... fix it"

Fixed:

We invented another new game called "Wedding Photo Bomb". The objective of this game is to get yourself in to as many pictures as you can that you're not supposed to be in. You'd have known that if you'd done your homework. While I'd like to say that I did well in this game, it's obvious to anyone that Anthony won hands down. You can view the entire set here, but here are a few to give you a good idea of how the game is played:

The lovely Bride and Groom(And Anthony)

A very cute couple dancing(And Anthony)

Rose And I(And Anthony)

And last but not least, Rose. (And Andy, her brother)

By the end of the weekend I had no less than 4 new man crushes, 2 new games, and almost 1000 wedding pictures(Rose had asked us to take as many pictures as possible since she didn't have a professional photographer). Feel free to browse the collection here.

Rant of the Day: Twitter

2008-08-28T15:53:00.021-07:00

In the past few months I've had numerous run ins with the website twitter.com ranging from ~~stalking~~reading people's twitter page to being at a bar with a person who was oblivious to their surroundings because they were too busy "twittering" to people questioning why I wasn't "on it".

For those who don't know, Twitter is the Cousin Oliver to the Facebook Wall and Myspace status. It's the new hotness. It's fresh. All the cool kids are doing it, and to be quite honest, I just don't get it. If I understand it correctly(And I'm quite certain that I don't), the concept behind twitter is that you update it very regularly and write what you're doing. This process is known as "Micro-Blogging".

Each "Tweet" is limited to 140 characters and can be done via text messaging. Now don't get me wrong. I support any form of messaging that doesn't involve me actually having to talk to your dumb ass on the phone, but have we hit the point in our society where we need to know what everyone else is doing at every moment of the day? I promise you that you don't want to know what I'm doing/thinking all the time. My twitter would quickly turn in to an update of my regularity and obscure reference to things that I'm not even sure that I care about.

I guess my question is, "At what point did you become so important that anyone gives a crap what you're doing right now?". I can't convince half the people I know to read the blog that I write once a week, why would they check something I update every hour?

But here's the thing. I've been wrong before. For the sole purpose of this blog entry I invented a phone that lets me call people from the past and here's what I found.

On the subject of myspace, Jesse from early 2005 had this to say:

Myspace? Christ. I'd sign up, but I just checked and it turns out that I'm not 15, and my parents actually do understand me.

I'm just glad someone created a place so that all the emo kids could get together and express their uniqueness and individuality with the exact same crappy 5 themes that everyone else has.

"Wow, you like that band too?!? That's so crazy. I'd go to their concert tonight, but I'm busy setting up a tripod to take profile pictures from the ceiling so it hides my double chin and fat ass."
If I ever sign up for that crap, you have my permission to kick me square in the junk.

On the subject of blogging, Jesse from 2006 had this to say:

Blogging? There are 3 blogs in the entire world.
1) Some hack's crappy photos over and over again.
2) A dork writing about technology that nobody will ever read. Nobody cares about your feelings on USB versus the new 1394 spec, jackass.
3) Stories about someone's family that I've never met.

In the rare case that you find something that's a real written piece, it's generally just someone who finished up that English degree a few years ago and is still clinging to the idea of being a writer while he teaches Sophmore English at a High School. Stop pretending man. There's nothing wrong with being a teacher, but stop being a pretentious ass and selling yourself as a writer. You don't have a couple of things "in the works", and 2 comments(One from your mom) doesn't mean that one of your "pieces" is "in discussion".
If I ever write a blog, it had better be because I lost a bet or something.

I realized two things from my conversations.
A) Old Jesse is sort of an angry jackass
B) The phone had to be destroyed. It could be an instrument of evil if it fell in to the wrong hands.

Anyhow, feel free to follow my twitter. I don't plan on actually using it, but the same could have been said for my myspace, my flickr, my youtube, and my blog.

http://twitter.com/jessebearden

How to Build a Chair (in twelve easy notes)

2008-08-27T09:20:00.014-07:00

What people are already saying about Jesse's smash new short film:

"Wow. You're a huge dork. You know that right? Just Wow"
"Did you consider editing yourself out and adding a girl? Maybe a cute one?"
"You seriously need a girlfriend"
"Uh... how long did you spend making that?"

First, the movie. Then the long boring explanation.

I can't complain too much about my job. The hours are flexible, I spend a lot of time screwing around, and I've got a pretty neat office all to myself. The rub though, is that I don't have any office furniture. There is furniture to be had, but it never seems to end up in my office. Aside from my desk and a crappy old chair, I've got nothin. Sean got a free couch for god's sake, and all I've got is a big wide open office.

It works like this. There is a set amount of furniture. If you have a piece, it's yours forever. When you quit, everyone swarms on your office like kids at fat camp to a Snickers and picks the room clean. I'm non-confrontational in nature, and small, which has hurt me in the furniture gathering process.

One day, in protest, I decided to build a chair out of some old mailer boxes that we had lying around. Jim, a coworker and I spent a while arranging and rearranging boxes until we had what vaguely resembled a chair. At lunch I was showing off the chair and announced my idea of shooting a small stop motion film of it coming together when another coworker, Jeremy Cheek added, "You should set that to the theme from Tetris", and that's when the idea started to spiral out of control.

I ran the idea and some of my thoughts by Adam one night. He lives in Germany now, but growing up, he was the Martin Lawrence to my Will Smith. Adam is sort of a master of taking projects from "Silly Idea" to "Silly Completed Project", so it was good to have him on my side, and the collaboration from around the world was interesting.

After kicking back and forth a few ideas we decided on a Pied Piper sort of idea where I'd play the guitar in a split screen to control the blocks. Adam had a great idea about a top to bottom split(See his storyboard here), but I wasn't sure that I could get that done solo.

There are a bunch of mistakes, but I don't think they're too noticeable any more. The low quality of youtube actually hides most of them, and I did some fancy editing to try to remove as much as I could.

Hopefully people recognize the song that I'm playing (quite horribly), and the reference of the intro.

Edit: You can now watch the video in HD also.

Robo-babe of the Day: Felicia Day

2008-08-14T09:14:00.004-07:00

My friend Krol used to say, "Redheads are our most precious natural resource." Had I been capable of arguing with him(He's now a lawyer), I would have said, "While redheads are in fact rare, the female nerd is just as rare, if not more so."

In this day and age of Geek Chic, many would side with Krol. Everyone is a nerd these days, or at least that's what they'd have you believe. I could write a novel length dissertation about what it takes to be a real nerd, and why most of the Johnny Come Lately's to the scene are not in fact real nerds, but it's sufficient to say that having made a web page once for a class, or having a WoW account do not make you a real nerd.

The space x represents the Nerdy Redheaded Girl, a rarity normally reserved for four leaf clovers, unicorns, and Honus Wagner Baseball cards.

(The X is not only the center of the diagram, it's also the center of my heart.)

But I digress. No matter who you side with in this imbecilic argument, you can agree that the intersection of this Venn diagram, the Redheaded Nerd Girl, is quite rare indeed. One could easily argue that this intersection would be so rare that it could very well not exist. In this case, "One" would be wrong because "it" does exist, and "it's" name is Felicia Day.

1. Felicia is the creator, producer, and star of the web based series "The Guild", a show about a bunch of nerds who play a video game together. While it's absolutely hilarious if you're familiar with the subject matter, it's probably still amusing if you're not.

2. Felicia starred in the previously mentioned Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog, which, if you haven't watched by now, don't bother. You're already dead to me.

3. On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say she's absolutely adorable.

4. She made her own website, where she also keeps a blog. Read the following snippet and tell me you're not in love(Ignore the fact that she spelled usability wrong. Felicia is a busy girl, far too busy for what you mere mortals call "spell check"):

If PayPal were a man, I would punch him. I would cold-cock him into tomorrow, even if I had to break my hand. I think this is a perfect example of a monopoly gone wrong. The useability of the site is a nightmare: The documentation, laughable. Combine this with a Brother Q500 label printer that is bundled with software that was created on Fortran, and you have the perfect storm for driving a girl over the edge to a day job, abandoning web video forever

5. She started college at 16 and got a mathematics degree from the University of Texas. Nothing says nerdy like math.

6. She's an honest to goodness nerd. And how's this for a coincidence? She even hangs out on the same Internet that I do! I know, right?

So, like Link with 3 hearts and a wooden sword I've begun my quest to win her heart. I regret to inform everyone that this will be the end of the blog. I've sold my laptop to pay for a ring and as you're reading this I'm probably on my way to L.A. to propose. Wish me luck!

Nerd Word(s): 1 to 10

2008-08-12T08:34:00.002-07:00

1 to 10
- rating system

1. A way of judging anything

[ Origin: About 12 years ago I started rating random and odd things on a scale from 1 to 10. ]

- alternatives
A to F

- usage
1. "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd call this dinner about a 7"
2. "How was the movie last night?"
"6 with a bonus point because it had Jennifer Connelly in it"

- addendum
After a certain period of time, the rating practice caught on with many of my friends. At that point it was time to jump ship and change it up. It was time to keep them guessing.

"On a scale from 1 to 10 I'd say Steve Nash is pretty awesome"

What You Should Be Watching Right Now

2008-08-06T08:57:00.001-07:00

My main man Adam recently sent me a link to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog. Despite the fact that Adam has been hiding out in Germany, on the lam for a crime of passion, he still has his finger closer to the pulse of American pop culture than I ever will. I'm not really sure how something as big and amazing as this project got on to the Internet, my Internet, without me discovering it first, but it did.

Dr. Horrible is a little web only, 3 episode show by Joss Whedon. If you don't know who Joss Whedon is, then you probably don't belong on this blog. It also stars Neil Patrick Harris(Doogie!/Barney!) and Captain Maclom Reynolds himsef, Nathan Fillion. Not to mention the absolutely adorable...

You know what, never mind. I'll shut up. Cancel your plans for tonight, take a long lunch, or whatever. The next 45 minutes are about to be 132% more awesome for you than they would have been. You can thank me later.

A Homework Assignment

2008-08-04T10:11:00.000-07:00

Life has been busy as can be lately, but hopefully times they are a slowing down.

I've got a veritable cornucopia of new blog posts in the chamber, but I need some free time to fix them up before I can pull the trigger. Until that happens though I've got a homework assignment for you, and that is to go here:

http://lowlifebastard.blogspot.com/2008/06/larry-vs-photobombing.html

Larry Jenkens is sort of a friend of a friend, and his post on photobombing will be required reading for an upcoming entry. There may be a pop quiz, so make sure you read thoroughly. Feel free to check out the rest of his blog too as it's quite amusing.

Nerd Games: Rose Wedding Bingo

2008-07-20T16:06:00.003-07:00

Rose, one of my best friends in the whole world gets married next Sunday. We had a pact that if neither of us were married by the time she hit 30 we'd just marry each other. Rose turns 29 in January, so I'll let you draw your own conclusions about her upcoming marriage. I'm just saying that fear is a powerful motivator.

With Rose's wedding I've decided to start a new tradition. I've invented a game that I call "Rose Wedding Bingo". The rules are simple.

Rose Wedding Bingo
1. Think of as many humorous things that could happen as possible and write a list.

2. Randomly pick 24 things from the list and lay them out on a 5x5 grid. The middle square is the "Free Square"

3. As the things happen at the wedding, cross them off from your bingo card. The first person to form a line wins.

Sample List(The * indicates ones that I picked for my card):
Jesse hits on a bridesmaid*

Rose calls Zach "Jesse"*

Rose calls Jesse "Zach"*

Jen knocks a flower girl out while the bouquet is being tossed*

Jesse knocks the ring bearer out while trying to catch the garter *

Heidi makes an inappropriate(Albeit hilarious) joke in front of Mr. Halterman*

Rose says Jesse's name during the ceremony

At least two members of Zach's family get drunk and say something inappropriate

Rose throws a fit and leaves for 20 minutes*

Jesse tries to bring her back by telling her her hair looks pretty.*

Rose yells, "FINE" at least twice

Rose yells, "WHATEVER" at least twice

Rose says, "I don't even care anymore"*

Rose tells Jesse to "SHUT UP"*

Zach gets drunk and tells everyone how much he loves them*

Rose gets drunk and tells everyone how much she hates them*

Rose refuses to do the Chicken Dance

Rose cries at the end because she doesn't want everyone to leave.

Rose reminds everyone that it's her day.*

Andy sings a song for the "Love Birds" *

Andy (unintentionally) lands the bridesmaid that Jesse hit on*

Dawn(Rose's mom) says, "RRRROOOOOOOOOOOSSSSEEEE"*

Dawn sings a song for Rose(How do you solve a problem like Rose)*

A member of the bridal party throws up.

Rose gets fed up with her hair before the wedding and does something rash.

Rose wears teal makeup.*

Rose misses the something old, something new or something borrowed, but way over does it on the something blue.*

Sara asks for a new roommate after the first night.*

Jesse wears a tuxedo shirt at some point during the weekend.

Jeff says something so dry it's arid.*

Groomsman shows up drunk or hungover

Someone misplaces the rings

Flower Girl cries

Ring Bearer throws a tantrum.

Jesse quotes wedding crashers

Rose says, "GROSS"

Rose shoves cake in Zach's face as he's saying something nice like, "I could never do something like that to you"

Rose mentions mouth herpes*

Zach accidentally breaks something insignificant and Rose gets very upset.*

Rose considers eloping the night before the wedding.*

Sample Card(Click for full size):

If you'll be attending the wedding feel free to make your own card and/or comment on things to add to my list. I'll update the post if I get any new good ones. If you won't be attending the wedding feel free to make a card up for a wedding that you will be attending in the near future.

A Series of Open Letters

2008-07-18T17:53:00.002-07:00

Christopher Nolan - Writer, Directory, Producer of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight

First of all. Wow. Just wow. You nailed it. Very very awesome movie. From the bottom of my nerd heart, thanks.

Did it really have to be 2 and a half hours long? Peter Jackson called, he wants his shtick back. There are those of us with small bladders in the audience who have issues with a 150 minute long movie, and in the case of yours there was never a "Man this would be a good time to get up" moment. Considering the entire 150 minutes was like 6 hours worth of awesome I can forgive you, but why not kick it old school and throw an intermission in there? I'm just saying.

Thanks again, and I hope the day is treating you well.
Jesse

My Future Self,

Sure, that 32 oz slushy at the gas station on the way to the movie seems like it'll be the perfect pick me up to get you through that midnight showing, but you're a little dude. 32 oz is a bit much. We both know you're going to get a drink at the theater too. Let's not over do it next time. Okay?

You're looking good today by the way. Have you been working out?
Jesse

Erin - The cute girl behind the counter at the AMC 20 concession stand,

Was it really necessary to remind me that I could upgrade to a large soda for only 50 cents more? Of course I knew that going in. I can read and do math in my head. But you were aware of that. You took one look at me and knew that the perky way you asked me with a slight tilt of the head and cute grin would be more than my nerd heart could resist. You'd sold that 44 ouncer before I had even ordered.

I think I might love you despite your manipulation.
Jesse

The Manager of the AMC 20 at Westgate,

I applaud you for opening up extra theaters to accommodate all the people wanting to see The Dark Knight on opening day. Here's the deal though... You've got 20 theaters that are normally staggered with show times. When one movie lets out there's a rush to the bathroom, but it's not so bad because there's only one or two movies letting out at a time. When all 20 theaters start playing the same movie at 12:01, then all 20 theaters let out at the same time. When this happens it's a running of the bulls type situation that is only exacerbated when it's a long movie. It's pandemonium. Come on baby, you're better than that.

All I'm saying is you could stagger them just a little. Have your 12:00, but also throw some 12:15's and 12:30's out there. If people didn't buy their tickets ahead of time, then they should be happy with the 12:30.

Jesse

Honda,

Thank you for making my S2000 capable of 0 to 60 in under 6 seconds and even bigger thanks for making it able to corner well at 40 miles an hour. Much appreciated.

Jesse

The Manager of the Mobile on the Run at 91st and Camelback,

Screw you. Who closes a gas station from 1am to 3am? "On the Run" my ass.

Jesse

Dad,

This morning you may have noticed what appears to be a tire skid mark where someone e-brake slid their car into your driveway. You may also notice that someone "watered" one of the trees in your back yard in a non-traditional way. I can't imagine who would do such a thing, but I personally suspect one of Miranda's friends. Those kids have no respect.

Thanks for always being there and especially for living close to the theater.

Jesse

From the Inbox: How to End a Blog

2008-07-16T10:31:00.003-07:00

On Saturday as the clock struck midnight my phone once again chirped at me. "Ana's 23rd Birthday". Two years ago to the day had been both the peak and end of our "Relationship", but for some reason I never took the time to finish that part of the story.

Last year I bumped in to her one day, and then a few months later a bunch of pictures of her in Guatemala showed up on my flickr friend list. The meeting was very short and awkward. We emailed a few times, but that too was somewhat awkward. She asked me what had happened to us, which was odd since she had decided to cut off all contact. She had started dating someone, and to my surprise that meant we could no longer see each other.

Instead of answering the question and playing the game I decided to instead write her the end of our story the way I had wanted to. She was the original inspiration for this blog, so it only seemed fitting to write an end to the story. The first half of this email is complete fact, but it soon takes a few liberties. I'll leave the separation of fact from fiction as an exercise to the reader.

The other day the guys asked me to go to lunch with them. I've had a bit of a falling out with some of the other nerds as of late, so I hadn't been going to lunch with the gang. For some odd reason though, I decided to go.

"What!?! You guys want to drive all the way to In-N-Out? That'll take forever" I protested when told the destination of choice.
"It's all freeway, it'll be quick. Quit your whining"
"Meh, it's not like I was getting any work done anyhow"

There's just something about going back to the old stomping grounds that I spent my young adult life( Tempe ). It seems like I generally run in to someone, and more often than not it's someone I don't want to run in to. As we entered I did a quick glance around and didn't notice anyone familiar. With a sigh of relief I placed my order and like a herded cow moved my way slowly through the people towards the drink dispenser. As I did, the people parted like a wave and from across the room I saw a familiar set of eyes. A dark pair of eyes that I had missed and tried to forget for some time. Her hair had changed. The way she held herself had changed... it had only been six months right? The one thing that hadn't changed was the smile. It was Ana... It was the Chilean princess of yesteryear... And I was... scared?

It had been almost 3 years since this girl had intimidated me, but the feeling was quickly familiar. It had been a while, and things hadn't exactly ended in the most optimal aways. I suppose it was the only way they could have ended, but it still seemed far from perfect.

She got up from her table and we politely exchanged hello's. I asked about her job, and she introduced me to her co-workers, but their names quickly evaded the grasp of my memory as my focus was on her.

After the typical small talk that everyone has and no one
remembers, I got brave.

"Maybe we should do lunch or something sometime. I'll by you Subway" I asked in reference to how we met.
"I'd like that" she said coyly. "You still have my number?"
"Of course"

3 days later we met and had Turkey Breast sandwiches at a Subway in Mesa . The ice quickly melted and it wasn't long before I remembered all the things that had drawn me to her in the first place.

2 years later I proposed on a beach in Hawaii on vacation. She said yes, and we were wed on a Cliff overlooking the ocean in Chile the following year.

We now keep both my condo in Phoenix, and a small house in Guatemala where we spend the majority of our time. We started a website that helps match nerds with girls who need a good man. It provides feedback and helpful hints. She does the content, I do the administration. Luckily, we're able to work abroad and still afford to live happily and care for our five children.

The End.

Nerd Word(s): THAT (guy)

2008-07-11T14:44:00.000-07:00

THAT (guy)
- proper noun

1. A person who fits well in to a (generally negative) stereotype or cliche.

[ Origin: The first time I remember hearing the phrase was Jeremy Piven in PCU(1994) when he says, "What's this? You're wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy." I'm sure it was seen much earlier than that though. ]

- usage
1. "You were so THAT guy for her. You bought her flowers. You met her mom. You totally played the role just to get in to her pants."
2. "I got totally hammered at the party after my ex showed up and was THAT guy all night"

- examples
1. Anyone over 21 who has asked other people to kick in for gas on a trip that was less than 100 miles.
2. Anyone over 24 who has gotten in an argument over who was "more fucked up".

3. Anyone who gets angry enough during a sporting event to make his or her companions scared.

4. An iPerson who is just salivating for the new iProduct.

5. Any guy who has ever said, "The band is going to make it"

6. A nerd with a blog that mostly focuses on his failures with women.

Max's Birthday

2008-07-11T14:43:00.000-07:00

I have a long standing tradition of recording odd dates in my phone so that I remember them the following year and surprise people. It's a generally good idea to know birthdays and such, but at times I take it to slight extremes just for the humor involved.

"Hey dude, your anniversary is next week. Don't screw it up this year"
"Hey, isn't it your ex-baby sitter's birthday? You should get her something"

In early March the phone let me know that Max's birthday was approaching. Max is my mother's Silky Terrier, constant companion, and fourth child. I'm not saying she loves the dog more than her children, but I am saying she's one dog sized Gucci handbag and owner-dog matching sweater set away from being that lady.

We hadn't had any fun with mom in a while, so I called my sisters Anna and Miranda and got the plan set in motion. Dad was supposed to distract mom while we decorated the house and prepared.

Miranda Baked a cake and bought small "Doggy Bags". Anna decorated with streamers. I bought party favors and made a mixed CD:

1. Who Let the Dogs Out - Baha Men
2. Who Am I? - Snoop Doggy Dogg
3. Hound Dog - Elvis Presley

Dad's distraction didn't last quite long enough, but asking someone to keep mom from home after work day is like asking a midget to tackle Barry Sanders in the open field. Sure, it might happen, but the odds aren't in your favor.

Eventually she got home and we had our little party. As lame as it was, the dogs really seemed to enjoy themselves, and so did mom.

Max ~~slobbering on~~ blowing out the candle.

Tonka rocking the birthday hat. Pepper desperately trying to get in a picture.

Anna and Jack showing off their hats. Pepper still trying to get in a picture.

Max being restrained by mom(It's the only time he's still)

How To Introduce Yourself With Style

2008-07-01T15:49:00.005-07:00

This is my #1 girl Rose, and her fiance Zach:

Zach is basically Jesse 2.0. He's shorter. He's calmer. He's got better hair. He's all together a pleasure to be around. So, it's with little reluctance that I give this union my blessing. Sure, I feel a little like a Hugh Hefner girlfriend who just turned 35. Nobody wants to be replaced by the newer, fancier model, but in this case it's okay.

The wedding is this summer in Chicago. Money has been a little tight, and as I was budgeting for the trip I was coming up a bit short. Rose mentioned that some of her friends were looking to share a room and pointed me to her friend Teresa. Rose sent Teresa an email and at the same time I got one from another mutual friend, Sara. Now I was in a bit of a predicament since I had two possibilities on the table. I decided to go straight to the source and straighten things out with an email to Teresa.

Meeting someone face to face I have a crippling amount of self consciousness, but in a digital medium I overcompensate for that with too much writing. If you haven't figured that out by now, you haven't been paying attention. Any normal human being would sit down and write a short letter explaining the situation.

Teresa,

Rose mentioned you might want a roommate for the weekend of her wedding. I too am interested in sharing a room. Please contact me at: 555-555-5555 if you are interested.

Jesse

This letter probably would have worked out wonderfully. Unfortunately it's not the one that I sent.

This one is:

T Money Money,

I think Rose may have sent you an email about room sharing on my behalf. This latest economic crunch has finally hit me, and I find myself trying to make a dollar out of a dime and a nickle. Being the good Christian that I am, I wouldn't normally consider sharing a room with a member of the opposite sex (pre-marriage), but times are hard and I'm sure the Gee Oh Double Dizzle will forgive me.

On a (somewhat) serious note... I'm looking for a roommate for the weekend and Rose said you don't snore and might be interested in shacking up with a short nerd for the weekend. I know what you're thinking, "I could probably room with any number of people, why choose this guy?". Well, I'm glad you asked Teresa. We asked 100 people that question and the top 7 answers are on the board.

1. I was a lion tamer in the circus for over 8 years. In the event of a lion attack you can rest assured that you're safe.

2. If I'm not drinking, I'm a perfect gentlemen, so need to worry about some creepy guy hitting on you all night while you're trying to catch your zzz's.

3. I have a top secret security clearance in case the FBI gets involved and you need someone to handle the situation.

4. I always leave the toilet seat down.

5. I only drink at weddings.

6. I know some awesome card tricks that are sure to impress, and unlike most magicians, I'll actually tell you the secret.

7. You already live with Rose and tolerate her. Rose is basically just like me except she's funnier and has prettier hair. On the plus side I'm less cranky.

If you'd like to be my roommate for the weekend all I need is a 300 word essay describing why you'd like to spend a weekend in Chicago sharing a hotel with me. The winner of this contest will be selected based on total whim and is not subject to any rules or laws.

Also.... Rose's friend Sara recently emailed me asking about room sharing. Let me know your status as soon as possible so we can work everything out. I personally wouldn't be opposed to splitting a room 3 ways, but I don't know where you guys would sit on that idea. (The French have a word for that, but I don't remember it off the top of my head).

Feel free to email me back, or call(555-555-5555).

Jesse

P.S.
4 of the 7 bullets above are true.. I'm not telling which ones though

Needless to say, Teresa will be staying with Peggy.

Feel free to stop by Rose's blog and say hello, or just give her a congrats on the wedding. It's an okay blog, but I think we can all agree not as good as mine.

Nerd Words: My Main Man

2008-06-25T15:28:00.002-07:00

My Main Man
- nickname

1. A close friend

[ Origin: In the Engineering program at ASU Erik and I had a lot of Indian classmates. One of Erik's classmates always called him, "My Main Man". Erik stole the saying from him, and I stole the saying from Erik. ]

- see also
My homie

- usage
1. "What is up my main man?"
2. "Erik. My main man. Get over here."

Jesse Fails at Friendly

2008-06-25T14:54:00.003-07:00

About a year ago Maya and I had a set date of hanging out once a week which has since turned in to "once a month... if time permits" as both of our schedules have gotten more busy. After our weekly dinner we'd watch Heroes or Firefly or some other nerdy TV show and gossip about boys, twins, and bands.

One particular Monday evening we found ourselves walking in to the Pei Wei near my house for some fine Asian Fusion dining. Like a true gentleman I opened the door for Maya and entered behind her. I was surprised when a blond girl from across the restaurant's hand flew up and waved to me. There was a small wall between us, and I must have been tired because I didn't immediately recognize her. I checked the surrounding area for other, better looking guys who would have a cute girl waiving to them, but it was just me. I returned the motion with some hesitation and went to order.

"Who's that?" Maya asked
"Um. I'm not sure" I started, but as we got up to order my brain decided to start working and the answer finally clicked, "Oh, that's Megan. She lives in my building."

Megan was a very cute resident of the fourth floor who always seemed nice and personable. I'd bumped in to her a lot since she was friends with my main man Allen, and due to the fact that she was often seen walking her dog Brownie. She was one of the people in the building I'd always wanted to get to know better, but never had the confidence to initiate more than a friendly hi with. She had a very warm aura that was attractive on a personal level, but for a shy nerd such as myself also somewhat intimidating.

By the time I'd put together who it was a few minutes had past. More importantly the moment had passed, and I found myself unsure if I should walk over or just go about my business. In times past when I've chosen the former I normally end up saying something absolutely brilliant.

"So... uh... what are you doing here?"
"It's a restaurant. I'm eating"
"Uh.... yeah... see ya round"

So in this case I settled on the latter and left it at an uncomfortable wave. An uncomfortable wave is better than saying something uncomfortable and stupid I surmised.

A few months later my extended family was in Phoenix for my brother's wedding and I was showing them my condo. There was a huge moving truck outside being loaded up and I was surprised to see Megan walking towards it carrying a box.

"You... You're moving out?" I asked. It was that last day of school when you find out someone won't be returning next year after Summer break. His or Her dad took a job in upstate New York, but you'll keep in touch. At least that's what you wrote in each other's year books.

You didn't keep in touch.

"Yeah" she replied, "It's been nice, but I just don't think people are very friendly here."

Where we're going. Where we've been.

2008-06-16T15:53:00.004-07:00

It's been a while since I've posted. I'd like to say that it's because I've been working on some amazing and humorous stories, but that's not necessarily the case.

Sesquipedalis Year 2 is drawing to a close, and I find myself in need of a new direction for the blog. The amusing thing about writing a blog is you start off thinking, "Man I've got some funny stuff to write", but then 3 weeks later you've written those 2 stories that were really "money" and you're left winging it for the remainder of the blog, which for most people is about 4 entries in.

Year 1 was all about me and my inability to function socially, especially when relating to members of the opposite sex. Through the significant efforts of a few people, most notably a couple of fantastic neighbors, I've worked through the majority of those issues.

Year 2 I branched out a little and tried to share more of my people(Nerds) culture, and do some more off-topic type pieces like reviews and such.

For Year 3, I'm at a total loss. I could easily turn this in to a day by day status update. There's nothing wrong with those blogs, but it's just not what I want this to be. Others have done that and do it better than I ever could.

I've had a few ideas, but nothing has jumped out and grabbed me.

I considered taking a fast food joint job once every month and seeing how quickly I could get canned. How fun would it be to work at Pizza Hut again, but not care about anything? The issue here is that I'm quite lazy.

I considered turning the blog in to a piece of fiction. Adam had told me to just start making things up. Base them slightly in reality, but never let the audience know. Unfortunately, I don't think I'm that creative.

My last idea was to "get involved" with something, anything. The big stumbling block here is that I'm the least opinionated person you'll ever meet.

In the end so far I've resorted to not writing anything. Maybe I'll put the nose to the grindstone and finish up some other stories and wait for inspiration. This blog has more loose ends than a gay cowboy rodeo at an abandoned tampon factory, and maybe I should tie them up some day.

Hang in there kids, and stick with me. We're gonna get through this together. Feel free to leave suggestions and tell me what sucks/what doesn't.

Credit goes to the lovely and talented Kendall for the tampon joke.