Friday, April 25, 2008

West Side Story

My co-worker Sean is a pimp. If you know him, then that's no surprise to you, but it bears repeating. While my programmer free time is spent writing a half finished video game that would have been "slightly behind the times" had I finished it in 1995 when I started it, his free time is spent writing kick ass websites that will change your life.

When he was younger he wrote SkateboardSpots, and then the now infamous BallersUseTide.

"Man," he commented over IM a few weeks ago. Sean always starts deep and insightful conversations with the word Man. "I should make a flip book of the standings in the West this year where they all switch places as it happened."

I almost feel bad for the guy. I pulled him back in to the exciting and inevitably disappointing world of being a Sun's fan about 2 years ago. Since then he's watched most every game with the enthusiasm of a 5 year old who thinks that Steve Nash is a superhero.

But he was right. If you paid attention to the NBA this year you know the top 8 spots flipped and flopped more than Ginobili and Bowen combined. Every day someone different was in first place, and a loss could easily take you from 3rd to 6th, and a win could take you back again.

"Maybe you should make a website?" I asked. He is a web developer after all.

2 weeks later he was done:
http://ign.oram.us/nba/

I'd like to say I helped, but truth be told, about 99.5% of the work was done by Sean.

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Even the Internet God Hates The Spurs

If you use the Google toolbar you know how it will predict what you're going to type and offer suggestions. I'd assume these are based off of the most searched for items. More importantly, you should know that "Google" is basically God as far as the Internet is concerned. It's amusing then, what it suggests when you search for "Ginobili" or "Tony Parker", two of the Spurs players(And our current rivals).

Parker



Ginobili



"Tony Parker Cheating" and "Ginobili Sucks" - I couldn't have said it better myself Google.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

What You Should Be Watching Right Now

Aside from you, and I really mean this, the greatest thing that ever happened in the world was a little show called Arrested Development.

Now, I'm normally not one for thrusting my opinions on people like a drunk guy with his libido at a bar, but in this case I'm actually right. It's hands down the funniest TV show ever made. If you've already seen it, don't you think it's time you brushed up a little? Did you really catch everything last time you watched it? Everything? Come on, don't fool yourself. And if you haven't seen it then open your mouth baby bird, because mama's got a tasty treat for you.

"I would, but I'm not running out and buying some DVDs just because some nerd on a blog told me to" a great number of you are thinking.

Well, put the kids to bed, grab a soda and throw a bag of popcorn in the microwave because you're pulling an all nighter on the Internet tonight, which for once doesn't involve surfing for naked ladies or googling your crush from High School and dreaming of "what could have been" while your current, less desirable significant other lies passed out in a drunken stupor as reruns of Mash play on TV and you try to hold back the tears. (Oops, maybe I'm projecting again)


There are other TV shows on there, and some movies too, but going there and watching anything other than Arrested D would be getting the golden ticket, going to the Willy Wonka factory and then telling him, "Nah, no chocolate for me. I think I'll just have a hamburger or something."

I'll be expecting a two page, single spaced report on how much you love Arrested D on my desk in two weeks. No excuses.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Nerd Words: Reset the Timer

Reset the Timer
- euphemism

1. Sexual relations, especially after a long period of no sexual relations
2. Humping

[ Origin: While I'm sure that the saying has been around for a while, I was introduced to it by my friend J.R. ]

- see also
Slumpbuster

- usage
1. "How'd your date go on Friday?"
"Somebody reset the timer"

2. "It's been over a year since I reset the timer"

J.R.'s Weekend: The J.R. Version

I'll be cleaning up this story as told to me over IM by the awesome and talented J.R. Seriously ladies, ask him to be your myspace friend. Don't be intimidated by his ballerness.

This is a continuation of the "How to Sesquipedalify Your Life" entry. If you haven't read it yet, I recommend you do so now.

Please note that this is a story from his life, not mine. I'm just posting it here for reference.

I could tell you the whole story, but there's no way I come out looking anything other than the chump.

I met this girl... Misty through a mutual friend, Chris. He had known her for months, but never really got anywhere with her, either due to lack of effort or her not being interested.

I met her one night when we all went out. Chris told me he was done trying with her and that by all means I should go for it if I wanted to.

Well, after that she was really flirty with me, Myspace, text messages, etc. Last weekend was the first night we all went out again, and basically she was all over Chris(And he all over her). I think she was just being flirty with me to make him jealous.

So, while they went home together, I went home alone. It just sucked after having my hopes up.

How To's: Sequipedalify Your Life

"Who's the cute girl who suddenly got bumped up to your #1 on Myspace J.R.?" I asked over IM one particularly busy day at work.

J.R. is basically a cooler me with better stories. Better in this case meaning slightly less self-deprecating. For example, in the two or so years that I've known him he's been in a major motion picture, owned an Acura NSX, and learned to fly an airplane. It doesn't take a panel of judges and a network TV reality show to tell you that he soundly beats my resume of being in a home made move(Developer Trap), owning an S2000, and working on flight simulators for a living. Apparently this hasn't translated in to success with the ladies and J.R. often states that he could give me a run for my money in the "who's worse with women" contest.

"Just some girl I met. Nothing there yet, but we're going out on Saturday with a group of friends."

"Awesome dude. Maybe you'll get to reset the timer." I joked.

"We'll see how it goes."

Monday rolled around and since there wasn't a 3 page novel waiting on my IM I assumed the worst. "I'm going to retain my last shred of dignity and just say that it didn't really pan out" he said, letting me know that he didn't really want to discuss it. Unfortunately for J.R. I'd had nothing to write about in months, and I needed a story. Like Lois Lane on speed I continued to ask questions.

"You should blog about it dude! Guest blog for me!"

I have a habit of trying to get people to write for me. They make the funny, I get the credit. As of yet I've only had one taker. My job would be a lot easier if people would help me out, and the stories would probably be more amusing.

"It really wasn't that exciting" he replied.

"I've had 2 exciting moments in my entire life and I've still managed to come up with a hundred and twenty entries. If I can do it, you can." I pleaded, but J.R. wasn't budging.

Part of the point of the blog has always been that I'm the biggest dork on the planet, and aside from a gift from god in the form of two gorgeous twins living beside me I have a fairly boring life. While the stories contained here are 90-100% fact, they do tend to be slightly sensationalized for the public.

With that in mind I thought I'd point out the few easy steps to "Sesquipedalify Your Life"

1. Start with a small story. It works best if it's a story where you do something stupid, but usually any story will do. Bonus points if it involves a member of the opposite sex(Or same sex if that's your persuasion, not that there's anything wrong with that)

2. Pick a tone and stick with it. You either think you're a bad ass, or you're a complete dork. There's not much room to be both.

3. Write the story out to the best of your memory. It doesn't need to be accurate. Nobody is fact checking. People will accept anything that is on the Internet as fact. On the off chance that some jackass calls you out on an error, that's what the edit button is for. Change the story, and then tell him "It never said that! Learn to read dummy!"

4. Have at least one tangential point. If it's not a strong point, feel free to put it in the middle of the story. The average reader just skims that part anyhow.

5. Throw in a few similes. In a pinch, a metaphor will do.

6. Use at least one pop culture reference. Bonus points if it's embarrassing that you're making it(ie a 31 year old man who knows the names of both of Britney's kids)

7. Spell Check. Or don't, I don't care.

8. Remember, the average reader likes a short entry, and enjoys pictures. In general, be long winded, and forgo the pictures. Screw the reader this is your blog!

9. Hit the publish button and watch the hits roll in.

10. Bug your friends, "Hey, did you see that awesome shit I just posted?"

Nerd Words: E-Flirting

This entry and the following are my version of how J.R. should tell his life's story. I'll be writing them as if I were him.

E-Flirting
- verb
1. To flirt via an electronic form of communication, especially via myspace.

E-Flirt
- noun
1. Someone who partakes in E-Flirting

[ Origin: I originally used the term to describe a series of myspace messages that I had with someone who was probably too young for me to be seriously consiering anything more than a myspace friendship with(10 years my junior) ]

- usage
1. "So is this something serious?"
"Nah, it's just a little harmless E-Flirting"

2. "Dude, this girl has 342 myspace friends, she's a huge E-Flirt"

J.R.'s Weekend: The Sesquipedalis Version

This entry is my version of how J.R. should tell his life's story. I'll be writing them as if I were him. I've taken a few liberties with his story to "fill in the blanks"

A couple of weeks ago I met this super cute girl Misty through a mutual friend of ours, Chris. We were all hanging out at a bar one night and her and I hit it off pretty well. We had a little back and forth going that night, and she immediately told me that she wanted to be number one on my myspace.

This was a tough one because, as anyone who knows me will attest, I've got about as much ability to say no to a cute girl as Eddie Murphy does for turning down a crappy movie roll. For once I played it pretty cool and did the hard to get bit with her. She's a nice girl, but like Jenna Jameson and Hulk Hogan both learned early on in their careers, if you wanna finish on top, you gotta work for it. The same rules apply to my myspace.

Eventually, after a little prodding, I bumped her up to #1. I pretended that I forgot about it, but between you and me you don't catch a fish by immediately jerking it into the boat. You gotta slowly reel it in. Within a week or two the myspace comments and messages were rolling in. I was looking for an opening since I only sort of knew her, and if anything she was still Chris's friend more than mine.

I bided my time until suddenly things fell in to place. One weekend she asked if I wanted to go hang out with her and bunch of friends. I had a talk with Chris, and he said he's not interested and gave me the bro thumb's up. Alcohol, flirting, and a green light from the closest competition... Even Jesse, my very handsome and awesome friend(seriously ladies, ask him to be your myspace friend) couldn't screw this one up... or so I thought.

The night started off well enough. I met everyone, and everything looked good. I had just started talking to her and was having an inner monologue argument with myself over what kind of eggs I should make her in the morning when Chris arrived. That's when the night took a toilet bowl swirl in the wrong direction. Misty was all over him like Britney Spears on the last doughnut at a Circle K.

That's when reality sunk in. Had I been a decoy? Was I the stool pigeon this entire time? A couple of drinks later it didn't really matter.

I actually ended up having a pretty good night, but it wasn't at all what I had dreamed up. At the end of the day I guess it's better to have E-Flirted and gone home alone than to have never E-flirted at all.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

NerdKendall Words: Man-tourage

Man-tourage
- a group

1. A group of men who follow a girl around even though none of them have a snow ball's chance of hooking up with said girl.

[ Origin: A Kendall original ]

- usage
1. "Party? Yeah, of course I'll be there. I'll bring the Man-tourage"

Apparently I'm a Pervert Now

Last weekend the amazing and wonderful Kendall was in town. As such it was time for a trip to the Roosevelt followed by an evening of Rock Band at my house. She was excited because she got to show off Dino, the boy who she'd been allowing to hang out with her lately.

It was my first time meeting him, so I was looking forward to a chance to check him out before I gave him the thumbs down, but he actually seemed alright.

As I entered the Roosevelt and greeted everyone, the peeps were mid-discussion of Jed, another member of Kendall's Man-tourage. Jed is the lead singer of a band who has an.... interesting voice.

"He sounds British when he sings kind of, right?" I asked.

"It sounds like he's trying to hold it in his throat" Dino responded.

Now normally, 2 minutes in to meeting someone, I'd let an opportunity like this fly by. But in this particular case, the kid really slow pitched one right across the plate for me.

"I used to date a girl who did that." I said rather dryly. "Man, it was awesome." I don't think anyone heard the latter half of the sentence as I had suddenly become aware that all of the conversations in the room had simultaneously ceased and everyone was now looking at me. Most everyone erupted in laughter. I shrugged my shoulders and found a seat in the corner to hide.

Later Kendall would inform me that Dino had called me the "Perverted guy".

Oh well, you win some you lose some.