Thursday, November 30, 2006
I've known Ruth and Rachel for almost 3 weeks now. Out of those 3 weeks there have been probably 3 days total where I didn't see one or the other. That leaves roughly 18 days, and in those 18 days there have probably been 30 moments or incidents where one or both of the girls made me stop and take notice. There have been 30 moments where I got a little weak in the knees, or felt a slight tug on the heart. There have been 30 moments where I felt like a kid in 8th grade with a crush on the cute girl in class.
On Tuesday Rachel commented that she was out of toothpaste and Ruthie said the same. I went next door and grabbed a tube of travel sized toothpaste that I had from my last trip to loan to them. I was also running low, but had enough to last the week.
The next day I went to Target and as I got there I called the girls to see if they wanted me to pick them up some toothpaste, and to ask what kind they preferred. Rachel answered and told me that she had gone on her lunch break and gotten some for all 3 of us.
Any girl who will go get you toothpaste on her lunch break is a keeper as far as I'm concerned. And... I think I'm in love.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
Let's take a trip in the way back machine all the way back to my last post. I purposely left off some of the details of the events that took place at the "party" as they didn't exactly pertain to a post discussing how I met Ruth and Rachel. Now that we're writing a post describing how we met Kendall it is time to discuss said events(When I say we I mean me.)
As I said before, the only knowledge of Kendall that I had prior to meeting her was that she only dated guys who were 6'3 or taller. Being 5'5" with my shoes on I found this a bit offensive, and was prepared to write her off as a snob. It's not that I need to have a chance with a girl to accept her... it's the principle of the matter. Short guys need love too. Besides, she's only 6'0.
Well, she came to the mini-party, but I was busy with other things and didn't have much time to sit down and get to know people. There was laundry to be finished, burnt twins to be fixed, and other typical Sunday night errands to be taken care of. When I finally did get a chance to be social they were already mid-conversation so, as per usual, I mostly just observed.
It became immediately clear that Kendall wasn't just sarcastic and funny... she was really sarcastic, and really funny. Despite my best efforts I was quickly won over, and just as I was coming around, it happened.
"Anyone like Tetris?" she asked as she reached in to her bag to reveal a shiny new black DS lite.
For those who haven't figured it out by now, I'm a huge Nintendo fan, and a fan of the DS in particular. I quote myself from my very first blog entry here when asking my mom the "Important" questions about a potential set up:
At this point I ran across the hall like a good little nerd, grabbed mine, and before too long we were knee deep in a game of Tetris. Not wanting to be that nerd(As if I had a choice), I decided to start slow, but before too long she started talking trash. By then, I had had enough, and decided to establish my position as Alpha Geek and let it be known.
Is she single? How does she feel about short guys? How tall was she anyhow? Does she like nerds? DS or PSP?
Later we were discussing other games and which one's we liked when I realized, "I'm discussing Nintendo games with a model or ex-model, or whatever she is... this is weird. I'm living every single one of my friend's fantasies right now."
The next evening she was at the Twin's again, and we were discussing Cartoon Network.
"Do you watch Robot Chicken?" She asked.
"It's the greatest show ever"
"No, that would have been Arrested Development"
"If you were 3 feet shorter I'd marry you right now"
Monday, November 20, 2006
Sunday I woke up and started to reflect upon the previous two days events. They had hit me like a whirlwind. Suddenly I had cute twins walking in and out of my apartment like they owned the place. It was like I was in an episode Friends. I was Chandler and Ruthie was Monica, and Rachel was... well... Monica. I hadn't made friends this fast with someone since third grade with James, but that may be attributed to the fact that he had a Nintendo, and my family was too poor to afford one. I felt like my life was a giant snow globe, and I had a girl on each side shaking the crap out of me, and I was thrilled.
"But how did this happen?" I wondered to myself. "How did I get from working up the nerve to knock on their door to feeling like I had two new best friends?"
I went looking for answers, and trained my sights on faith first. I decided to seek out the advice of a local Rabbi for help, and hopefully some insight in to the girl's religion.
For the following conversation, the part of the Rabbi should be read with Mel Brook's voice in mind. Why you ask? Because: 1) I'm making this up. 2) I just watched Spaceballs and Mel sorta cracks me up.
"I understand you had some questions concerning Judaism." he asked as he motioned for me to sit.
"Well, here's the deal... I'm starting to wonder if I accidentally married my neighbor in some ancient Jewish ceremony that I didn't understand."
He laughed at my ignorance for a moment then reassured me, "It doesn't work like that. Jewish weddings aren't that different. I'm sure you would have known had you taken part in one."
"It's just so weird, because one night I go to the five and diner with them, and the next thing..."
"Woah, wait... five and diner? Did one of them order a hot water?"
"YES! I thought that was weird. Who does that?"
"Well, that's a tradition from the old times, most people have forgotten it. Technically speaking, by letting her order the hot water you've agreed to take her as your wife."
"Wait... I was just making a joke dude... A little ice breaker. We're married?"
"Technically speaking, yes"
"You know... I always thought I'd marry a girl who had a big ass and wasn't fun. This is awesome."
He nodded in approval and proceeded to answer a few more questions. I shook his hand, thanked him and was about to leave when it hit me.
"You wouldn't happen to know which one it was that I married would you?"
After that I visited my mom, and then went to a bar to watch the game with my sister and her people.
"They seem really nice, but I think that Ruth might be a little bossy" Geremy told my sister.
"Oh, then she is perfect for Jesse. You'd better lock that up. You should have brought them today" she said.
"I'm pretty sure they had stuff to do, and I'd assume by now they've had enough Jesse time for the weekend" I informed her.
As if in answer my statement that they were tired of me, a few minutes later my phone buzzed and I picked it up to find a text message from Ruth inviting me to a concert on Tuesday.
I got home later in the night and pulled in at the same time as the twins did. They told me they were having a small get together at their house and that I should come by. I met their friend Mike, who was cool, and seemed to be a slight computer nerd too, and their other friend Kendall. Kendall is a tall, beautiful, ex-model. I had overheard in conversation earlier that you had to be 6'3 or taller to ride that ride so I immediately wrote her off. Short guys need love too. (More on that in a later blog)
I was doing laundry while they were making food. I returned from my white T-Shirt folding to find Ruth laying in an odd spot on the floor. This is nothing out of the ordinary, but the fact that she was in pain was out of the ordinary. Apparently, while I was out, she had had a slight accident with a cookie sheet and burned her stomach. It's my belief, and I'm sure the reader will agree with me here, that the burning of the stomach was just a ploy for my attention. Her gamble paid off, and despite her protests, I took her to the Walgreen's to get some burn ointment. As we walked out she said, "You want to help me put it on?" and lifted up her shirt a little to reveal the burn on her lower stomach. At that point I fainted. She put me in my car and drove us home.
The twins had told me earlier that on "school nights" they had to be in bed by 11, so as soon as the clock struck 11 I pushed everyone out of their condo and went home myself. As I got ready for bed I went to use the restroom, and for the first time in almost a year of living there I closed the bathroom door. You never know when somebody is going to come barging in these days.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Note to the reader: This is part two of a three part story. I'd recommend reading the one below first if you haven't already. Like most 3 part stories, this one is kind of long and boring(Empire Strikes Back excluded). I promise to bring the punny a little more in part 3.
On Saturday I woke up at around 7:50. I had assumed, incorrectly, that Geremy would call me when they were leaving to hike. Geremy had assumed, also incorrectly, that at a few months shy of 30 I was a big enough boy to set my alarm properly. I'm actually normally very punctual, but in this case I had been out until 3 or 4, and then spent the next two hours lying in my bed trying to sleep with a cheesy grin on my face giggling like a school girl(Read: Stressing over every detail of the previous night).
I called Geremy and he told me they were almost to the mountain. At this point I panicked just a small bit. I was the contact for the twins, Allen, and indirectly a guy who lives in my building, and I was more than just a tad tardy. The major issue here was that Harold had to be at work early, so we had to get the hiking on ASAP.
I ran next door to see if the girls were awake, but they seemed to be in even worse shape than I was. I'm assuming they stayed up all night giggling and talking about how cute their neighbor is, which resulted in a fight over me, possibly involving pillows, but if you remember from the above paragraph, my assumptions are quite often wrong. They weren't feeling very decisive or coherent, so eventually I had to take charge and tell them to go back to bed. Allen lives a ways a way so I had to call him and tell him that I had blown it for him too as there wasn't time to wait on him. As always, he was cool. Feeling a bit like a jackass who just back stabbed someone and voted them off the island I headed off for the mountain.
The hike was a great time as usual. This particular trip featured guest appearances by Geremy, Harold, and Josephine. After the hike Geremy and Joe decided to come back to my house to watch G's Carlos Mencia DVD, and grab some lunch.
Ruth had text messaged me while I was on my way home letting me know that she'd be by the pool. As we got to my condo and stepped out on the balcony, which overlooks the pool, we saw Ruth directly below us wearing quite the bathing suit. It's 11 floors away, so the view wasn't that great, but before I could run to grab my binoculars Geremy decided a better idea would be to throw water off the balcony and see if he could hit her. After a few shouts back and forth Ruth left the pool and a minute later walked right in to my condo and sat on the couch.
After the DVD she had to leave to get ready for a party at 2. She had invited us all to go with her. I wasn't sure if it was an invite to be polite, or an invite due to sincere desire for our presence, but she zipped off before too much discussion. My friends left, and I took a shower. I was still unsure if I was going to a party or not, but a bit later I was sitting at my computer and Rachel walked in, told me we were going to be late, and dragged me out the door before I could protest(Not that I would have).
Jay came with us to the "party", which was more of a large lunch at a Mexican restaurant. Jay being there helped me out since he is pretty talkative, and that saves me from making an ass out of myself. There were at least 40 people there, and I spent a good time just observing and paying attention to others.
My post-party plan for the evening was to visit my mom and then go watch the Sun's game with Miranda and Geremy, but as I left my condo I knocked on the neighbor's door to give them a hard time about always being late(There were voices inside the condo, and they were supposed to have left by then). It turned out that only Ruth was home, which I guess makes her the late one. She invited me in, and we ended up talking for probably at least an hour. Somewhere in the middle the topic turned to myspace.
"We should be myspace friends!" she said with this big smile.
"Myspace... yeah... uhm... well... here's the deal... You see, I keep this uhm... blog."
"Well, it's about me sucking with women, but not really... it's uhm... well, it's supposed to be funny"
"Well..." deep breath, "There may be a story about you and your sister that I wrote like a month ago up there."
At this point it probably could have gone a lot of ways, but she seemed excited, and insisted upon reading it. She also insisted upon me sitting there while she read it. It would be a gross understatement to say that I was slightly uneasy while she read a blog entry titled, "I think I'm in love" that I had written about her, a month before really knowing anything about her, all while I sat two feet away.
After a few nervous moments that included a lot of laughing by her, she finished and told me she loved it and couldn't wait to show her mom. My uneasiness gone, I headed out and met up with my family. The Sun's finally won, and I had a good time.
I finally got back to my house around 11 and having gotten less than 3 hours of sleep the night before, along with my very active day, my body had reached a whole new level of exhaustion. My brother called, drunk and at a party, to tell me about some girl who was in to me, but I was too tired to listen. I hung up and laid down. After what I thought was a few moments I heard from the hallway, "Jesse, are you awake?"
I put my pants on, got my bearings and opened my door to find both of my neighbors outside of my door. One was sitting on the floor, and I was really confused. I picked her up and took them to their condo. I'd love to recount for the reader what happened, but to be honest I don't remember. My stomach hurt really bad and I was trying to think of a polite way to leave. In my tiredness, I believe the best I could come up with was interrupting one of them mid-sentence with "I'm tired" and leaving.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
On Thursday evening I ran in to my neighbor Maria and she told me she was having a little get together at her house late Friday night. I was planning on hiking with the people's early Saturday, so I had planned on stopping by, but not hanging out for long. Jesse from 2 years ago would have just been anti-social and not gone since I wouldn't know anyone who would be there, but today's Jesse has a commitment to being socialer.
On Friday I walked by one of my neighbor twins downstairs. I kept telling myself that if I bumped in to them I should invite them hiking with us since it would be a good way to get to know them, and probably isn't too forward, but as I walked past I kind of choked and let the moment pass. I later found myself alone in my condo, and I'm not sure what got in to me, but I decided I should just get some sack, walk across the hall and invite them. I probably spent a good 5-10 minutes arguing with myself in my head.
"What if they think you're a total spaz. That's going to make those passings in the hallway awkward"
"It's just hiking dude, it's not like you're asking them to marry you, this isn't a big deal"
"Just don't say anything like, 'Hi, you're pretty. I like boobies'"
Finally I pushed all the thoughts aside and went over and knocked. One of the girls answered the door, and I said quite proudly, "Hi, you're pretty. I like boobies"
Okay, I actually just asked if they wanted to go hiking, but it could have very easily gone the other way given my track record. I was expecting a "Hmm, maybe" or something of that nature, but as I finished her face lit up and she said, "I'd love to go hiking." She went to get her sister who also seemed to like the idea. She then told me I'd need to get their numbers so I could wake them in the morning. We exchanged numbers and talked for a bit.
"Are you going to Maria's party?" one of the sisters asked.
"I was considering stopping by"
"Well, we'll stop by and get you before we go."
Maria's door is a good 10 feet away from mine, so I probably could have found it on my own, but when two cute twins offer to swing by and pick you up you nod, smile, and try to say something in response that, in my case, normally comes out something like, "Garsh, that'd be swell." A while later they knocked on my door and I went down with them. At this point I also met their friend Jay who was accompanying them.
Before I knew it I was knee deep in conversation on the balcony trying to figure out which twin I was talking to. Keeping up with them was tough, but I did my best. After a long while of hanging out someone decided they were hungry and they announced they were leaving to go get food. I wasn't quite sure if "They" were leaving or if "We" were leaving, but as they got up Ruth(Who I had figured out was the one I was talking to) looked at me and said something like, "Well, come on," and I was more than happy to follow.
After a meal at the Five and Diner and a trip to walk their brother's dog I found myself on the roof of our building playing the guitar for Ruth as she fell asleep. I think it was 3 or 4 am at that point so I walked them downstairs to their condo and then went across the hall and fell into my bed.
Before everyone(Read: Mom) starts practicing "Hava Nagila" and picking out glasses for me to stomp on, it should be noted that both girls are taken.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
"Wow, you let me go in front of you and held the elevator for me. That's really nice", she said as she got in the elevator.
"Well, I'm in no rush to get to work anyhow" came out of my mouth while "Holy crap you're a robo-babe! I love you" stayed locked safely in my head.
I kept talking to her during the elevator ride, and then as we walked in to the building. I told her where I work, and she told me where she works (7th floor doing taxes for Price Waterhouse Cooper.) We talked for a while, and it was probably the best conversation I've ever had with a complete stranger.
As we got off the first elevator and headed in I noticed my co-worker Sean about 20 feet ahead of us. He turned around and glanced but didn't say hi and just kept walking. He later told me that he had thought, "That sounds like Jesse" but when he turned around he realized, "No, he's talking to a cute girl, can't be Jesse."
As we hit the elevators to go up to our floors we said our "Goodbye"s and "Nice to meet you"s. She works on the 7th floor, and I work on the 15th, and that means we take separate elevators inside the building(Damn the segregation). As I got into the elevator Sean was waiting and told me that I was "Floating".
"Damn, what got in to you baller?"
"I have no idea. That was crazy. You saw it right? I haven't gotten so delusional that I just imagined myself talking to a cute girl have I?"
"Yeah, what was her name?"
"Dammit... I forgot ask"
I was really pumped from the experience, but tried to concentrate on my work that day. That didn't work, so naturally I spent half the day writing her name on my trapper keeper with hearts around it, putting "Mr. and Mrs. 'Cute Tax Girl from Floor 7'" on my notepad, and drawing what I personally feel is an exceptional likeness depicting her riding a dolphin through the ocean under a rainbow while the sun is setting.
All kidding aside... she seemed pretty cool and I came away with a positive feeling about the experience.
It just so happens that yesterday I ran in to her again in the parking lot.
"Oh, hey" I said, curious if she'd remember me.
"Oh, I remember you," she said, "I didn't catch your name last time."
At the same time, not wanting to miss her name, I held out my hand and introduced myself, "I'm Jesse"
We had another lengthy discussion trading questions back and forth, and again I walked away with a really good feeling.
Note to the reader: The above drawing was actually made by Sean in reference to a joke on another blog. More info on that coming soon. Show of hands from the class... how many people thought I actually drew that picture of a girl from my building?
Do you want a funny story, a sad story, a depressing story? It's up to you the reader.
Here's how it works. First you read the story above about my new building crush Linda and then respond to this post with what you think I should do. If you've been paying attention to stories such as this one, you'll know that I'm socially retarded enough to take advice from two drunk girls. If that's the case then I'm more than willing to take advice from random people on the Internet.
"But I don't know how to leave a comment", your sad sad nontechnical brain is thinking right now. Normally I'd tell you to get the hell off of my blog, but it is reader participation week, so open those mouths baby birds because momma is about to feed you some knowledge.
Just click on the bottom of this post where it says, "2 comments". If you haven't figured it out, that 2 will change to however many comments there actually are. I've even enabled anonymous posting for those too lazy to sign up for an account.
It's that easy. Give me good advice, give me bad advice, make me look like an idiot, it's up to you. I'll choose one, or go it on my own, but one thing we can all be sure of... I'll probably end up making an ass out of myself. Don't forget to tell a friend! Prizes will be awarded based on random criteria picked at a later date by me.
Here's a few examples from fictitious readers that I just made up to get you started:
"Leave a note on her car confessing undying love"
"Give up, go out with somebody else"
"Buy a ring and propose"
"I don't know, build her a cake or something"
Void where prohibited by law. Not open to residents in the state of New Jersey. We here at Sesquipedalis do not recommend that you try anything listed here on your own. Jesse is a professional at making an ass out of himself, and as such these stunts should not be attempted by anyone hoping to get to first base or further with any real life girl.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I arrived at G's place and went up stairs to find that he had removed the legs and arms from his costume. It actually looked pretty amusing. At this point, he was trying to figure out how to make his "Bat Bulge" look bigger. I threw my costume on and as I came out he tossed me a weird object to use for my bulge. It's hard to describe, but it was similar to a clear bean bag filled with a thick liquid. I inserted it(Outside the undies, inside the costume), and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit it, but it was pretty comfortable.
"So what is this thing anyhow?"
"Oh, that's Aunt Sharon's boob."
"What the hell does that mean? Is that code for something?"
"No, she had her implants replaced and gave me her old ones"
"I've got a removed breast implant from some lady I don't know in my crotch!?!"
"Eh, okay. You ready to go?"
We hopped in the batmobile, and headed off. With the top down, the capes were flowing out the back, and we were blasting the theme to the original Batman TV show the whole night. We made a few stops to show off the look, and then headed to the party.
The party was everything you'd expect. I saw plenty of sexy costumes, cute girls, people passed out, people throwing up, beer pong, half naked girls, half naked guys, and tasteless costumes.
We made a big splash with our costumes and antics:
Half way through the night, with at least a few drinks in him, Robin decided that he was tired of following in Batman's footsteps and claimed his independence. Batman found him later dressed in only a cape, mask, and a pair of tighty whities explaining to some poor girl, rather loudly, "Robin is my slave name! I no longer answer to that"
Seeing him in his tighty whities was quite the shock so I yelled at him from across the party ,"I told you not outside of the Batcave!" We had a slight back and forth, and he left to play beer pong.
One intersting thing about having a fake bulge is that women feel it's acceptable to touch it. One poor girl had been touching Geremy's all night and failed to realize he had removed it once he was down to his skivvies.
Friday, November 03, 2006
I got up, got ready, and then got a call from G telling me that Harold wasn't answering her phone, and that she was Heidi's ride to the mountain, so he wasn't sure what to do. We decided that I'd go pick her up and we'd meet at the mountain which seemed convenient enough. It was a bit of a trek out to her
Let's pause for a moment here, for reasons that will soon become apparent, to describe my "type". Most of my life I've thought that having a "type" was a bit silly. My friend Bryan is fond of saying, "If you're in the desert dying of thirst you don't wait for a clean glass." I think you can find something attractive in most people, but in the past 2 years of my post-Stacey journeys I've realized that I do in fact have a "type". That's not to say that someone has to have certain qualities, but to be sure, these qualities are always a recipe for an insta-crush. Let's try to break down the key points here for the reader at home.
1. Energetic - I think I'm fairly energetic when I want to be, so being around energetic people helps bring that out in me.
2. Cute Smile - I'm a sucker for a girl with a cute smile. This may be because I'm physically incapable of smiling on demand(That's a story for another time, and not in any way a joke)
3. Out Going - By out going I mean more out going than I am. That's not too tough. There are agoraphobes in the world who are more out going than I am.
That mostly sums it up. Now back to our regularly scheduled program....
I wasn't really sure what to expect out of Heidi, but I had my fingers crossed for kind of a big, lazy, unattractive girl for two main reasons.
First, I had to spend the next 30 minutes alone in a car with this girl who I didn't know, and if I found her attractive I was sure to have more blogging material than anyone would care to read.
Second, I had to hike up a mountain with her, and if she was slow, it would make me not look so bad.
It's not often that I get what I wish for, and Saturday was no exception. I knocked on the door, and who should answer but a nice, energetic, outgoing girl with a super cute smile. At this point the nervousness started to kick in, but I think I did quite well. It helped that she's one of the warmest/easiest to talk to people I've met in my life. We even had a brief Star Wars discussion on the way back initiated by her. (Every fellow nerd reading my blog just read the last sentence as, "She's perfect")
Don't expect the wedding invitations any time soon though. She also happens to be 19, and given the universal formula for acceptable dating age ranges, that's waaaay out of line. (For those curious, the UFADAR is: Half your age+7. For example I'm 29. Half of 29 is 14.5. Plus 7 gives us a minimum age of 21 and a half)
Even I'm smarter than to disobey the UFADAR, and I was surprisingly able to keep any crush type feelings to a minimum. You can be sure though that if I was 10 years younger I'd be at home right now with my guitar across one leg, and a pad of paper on the other trying to think of words that rhyme with Heidi.
At any rate... I still had hope on the way there that Desireé would be size large and therefore I could avoid being the weakest link, but again no such luck. Desireé was another cute 19 year old, and just as energetic and fit as Heidi.
We eventually made it to the top despite my frequent stops and general wussings. I'm sure if either of the girls has a blog they have an entry titled, "Good Deeds: Helped an old man to the top of a mountain"
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
The idea fell through, but I always thought it was amusing. As Halloween approached this year I tossed the idea out to Geremy and since he liked it, we decided to do it. We wanted to make sure we had the older looking costumes as the point was to be as cheesy as possible. I searched online and found the perfect costumes. Unfortunately I must have made a mistake when ordering:
More actual stories from the weekend coming as soon as I'm motivated enough to type them out....
Last Friday they arrived in the mail and I put the chest on:
At this point I was fairly excited. I mean deep down inside every guy wants to be Batman, and the costume was looking pretty good. But then I put on the cape and cowl with patented "Fat Ass" technology.